When It All Goes Still

by Allison Mullinax

  “What are you saying?”

  She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a cell phone, showing it to me. “Do you have the cell phone Arden gave you?” she asks. I jog to the Jeep and retrieve it. She takes the phone from me and I can see her thumbs working. “I saved my number for you. If you are in this century, and you need me, if you need anything, that is how you reach me. Try it.” I send a text with the word ‘test’ to the number saved under “Mom,” and within seconds I hear her phone buzzing in her hands.

  “Look at me.” I pull my gaze up from the phone screen and stare at her. “I love you, and I have always loved you. Whatever you decide and whatever you need from me, it’s yours.” She holds her phone up for me to see. She reaches up on her tiptoes and places a kiss on my cheek, then turns to Johanna. “I wish there had been someone to warn me about what would happen to the man I loved,” she says solemnly. The tears in Johanna’s eyes are her only response.

  Jaqueline turns her back to the both of us and walks into the woods. We stand there together unable to speak, and unsure of ourselves as we watch her fade into the hills of the forest. A bright blue light casts its shadows down from the trees, and in an instant, it vanishes, taking Jaqueline with it. She truly is a powerful creature to invoke her particles to bend at will. It’s been twenty-seven years since she’s seen a shifting chamber, and she still has the ability to come and go through time as she pleases. It leaves me awestruck, and curious as to what power she has passed down to me.

  “Traveler?” Johanna calls from beside me. I shake my head to clear my thoughts and pull her close to my side. “What are we going to do?”

  “Right now, we are going to grab everything and get out of these woods in case anyone saw her light.” I start toward the blankets and untouched food lying on the ground. It’s already late afternoon, and I have to get Johanna back home and myself to Arden by eleven p.m. I’m comforted knowing Jaqueline can’t communicate with Arden. He will have no knowledge of what happened here.

  We gather everything up and throw it in the back of Johanna’s Jeep. We hastily pull out of the woods and onto the highway,as the sun is dipping below the mountain tops. I reach over to Johanna and take her hand. She’s shaking.

  “It doesn’t matter, baby,” I say for lack of better comfort. I’m not even close to feeling certain about where we go from here, but I do know Johanna is scared. And it’s my job to make her feel safe.

  “How can you say that? Weren’t you listening to her, Traveler?” I can feel her staring at my face, but I can’t bring myself to look at her. “If we keep this up, you could die. If they found out, they would throw you in prison or worse, execute you.” She’s on the verge of hysterics.

  “Then what, Johanna?” I ask, as the pounding of my heart reverberates through my body.

  “I love you too much to be what kills you.”

  “And I love you too much to stay the fuck away. You think I want this? I heard Jaqueline loud and clear. How do you think I feel knowing I’ve put you in this much danger?” I slam my hands on the steering wheel.

  We drive in silence for what feels like hours. I see the sign welcoming us back to the hellhole of a town she lives in. The people here ready to crucify her at one wrong step. We cruise by the hospital, and Johanna looks up at the windows to where her family is. I could never take her away from them. We pass by The Great Outdoors, her store that she loves and is so proud of. The Jeep climbs to the mountain top, and we hike our way to the bluff where I first knew I was falling in love with her. Neither of us have spoken a word, afraid of what the other might say.

  We break the tree line and the wind instantly catches her hair, brushing it back from her face. I grab her hand and lightly kiss her wrist. Her eyes are glazed over with tears, and I brush one away from her cheek with my thumb. “I love you so much it physically hurts,” I admit, holding my chest with my hand. “I’m going to tell Arden to suspend my assignments until we figure this out. It will be okay.”

  “Traveler, I want you to stay away,” she says, and it’s like a hammer slamming down on my chest.

  “No,” comes out of my mouth, and I’m shaking my head. “Johanna, we can find a way.” I start to protest, but she places her hand on my chest to stop me.

  “It’s for the best.” It seems like she has already made up her mind.

  “The best for who? I know you love me. Just take a second. It may not happen right this minute, but we can figure out a way.” I grab her face, holding it in my hands. I lean down and kiss her lips, suddenly terrified and not knowing when or if I’ll ever make my way back to them. She kisses me back, and there is no denying the passion and love we have for one another. I don’t understand what she’s trying to do? I pull back and look into her eyes. “Stop trying to protect me. Let me fix it.” I’m aware it sounds like I’m begging.

  “I mean it, Traveler,” she begins, tears now flowing down her face. “Stay away from me. I’m done.” She’s backing away, and all I can do is stand here like a wide-eyed idiot.

  “You don’t mean that.”

  “If you won’t stay away for yourself. Then stay away for me. Enough people have died and sacrificed for you. Make it worth it by living,” she says, with an emotionless expression. It feels like dying as I watch her turn away from me and disappear into the woods.

  Chapter Twenty

  Johanna

  I’m making my way through the woods to the Jeep, thinking that if I can get there, that if I can start the engine and pull away without having to look at his face, then I can go through with it. The words I forced myself to say to him felt like fire rolling off my tongue, and it feels as though my heart has been cast out of my body. Even with the pain, I know that I can’t let Traveler risk his life for me anymore. I’ll do whatever it takes, even if it means doing the one thing that might kill me in the process.

  “Johanna! Wait!” I hear him yelling for me, and I run faster. I can see the Jeep a few yards ahead, and I push my body hard and fast. I’m faster than he is, and I know he can’t catch me.

  I lurch for the door handle, jerking it open and slamming it shut. I hit the lock button over and over as I see him dart out of the trees full force. He sprints to the front of the Jeep and slams both hands on the hood of the car. His chest is heaving for air, and he’s staring intently at my face.

  “Damn it. I know what you’re doing, Johanna. It won’t work. It’s too late to go back now,” he says, and I know he’s right. I just can’t let him see that I know it. I have to make him believe me.

  “Go away, Traveler!” I scream at the windshield. He doesn’t move a muscle. I can’t back out because the trees are blocking my path. The only way I’m getting out of here is forward.

  “Hell no.” He cocks his head to the side. I can tell the only way I’m moving this vehicle is through him. I grab my purse on the passenger side and pull out my keys. I shove the metal into the ignition and fire the engine to life.

  “You say you love me? Then let me go. Go back home and leave me and my family alone!”

  “I do. I love you, and I’m not going anywhere, and neither are you. This is not the answer. Anything other than you and I together is not the answer. And you know it!” he yells back at me, matching my angry tone. I respond by revving the engine. The Jeep slightly rocks forward, and his eyes widen. “Keep it up, baby,” he warns, giving me a smirk that sends shivers down my spine.

  “Stop smiling at me! I’m serious. I won’t allow you to die in prison because of me. Now move! I’m leaving.”

  “You’re cute when you’re being crazy.” He has the nerve to laugh, and it infuriates me. Before I can think, I stomp my foot on the gas pedal and the Jeep lunges forward several feet. I slam on my brakes realizing what I’ve just done, and I can’t catch my breath. The dust is swirling in the headlights, and I no longer see Traveler.

  “Oh my God,” I whisper to myself. I shut off the engine and reach for the door handle. What the hell did I do?

  “You could
have killed me,” he says. I turn my head, and he’s sitting, perfectly fine, in the passenger seat.

  “How did you? Traveler—I’m s-sorry. I don’t…” My breaths are shallow, and I can’t get enough air into my lungs. I’m hyperventilating, and my vision is getting blurry.

  “Whoa. Whoa. Relax and breathe.” He leans over to me and smooths his hand down my back. I’m trying to take slow breaths, but it’s all too much. I can’t convince him to stay away, probably because I truly don’t want him to. I can’t keep him alive. I’m so lost on what to do, it feels like I’m drowning. “It may have worked before…you taking on the world all alone. But that’s not how it’s going to be from here on out. Understand?” He applies pressure at the base of my neck with his fingers, sending a calming effect flowing through my body. I shake my head from side to side. “You leaving me as some form of protection isn’t happening. Me leaving you isn’t happening. Got it?”

  “I don’t want what happened to your mom to happen to us.”

  He kisses my forehead, down to my nose, ending on my lips. He pulls my face back and stares into my eyes. “Well, how about we figure it out together instead of doing whatever this bullshit is,” he says, making a motion toward the Jeep sitting in its new position.

  “What h-happened?”

  “Oh, you mean when you tried to kill me during your psychotic breakdown? Yeah, I shifted inside the car. But don’t ask me how I did it. Kinda just happened,” he says, looking around surprised by himself.

  “I’m so sorry. I just wanted you to let me leave. I didn’t know any other way to make this stop.” I cringe, realizing it’s a bad apology.

  “Clearly,” he laughs. “I get this isn’t going to be easy, but anytime you want to hop on board and help me find the answers instead of pushing me away…that’d be great.” He smiles at me and runs his thumb over my bottom lip. He leans into me and kisses my neck up to my earlobe. “And from now on, I’m driving.” I hear him pull the keys out of the ignition.

  “Traveler—” I start to apologize, but he places a quick kiss on my lips to keep me quiet.

  “No more leaving me?”

  “I don’t want anything to happen to you. I don’t want anything to happen to either of us.” I wave my hand between us.

  “Then we figure it out together.” He leans his forehead to mine. “I know you’re afraid to lose another person you love.” I feel the tears well in my eyes again.

  “Losing you would be like dying. I can’t go through it again,” I say, realizing that I’ve been trying to protect myself as much as I have him.

  “Hey, look at me. I’m not another person for you to mourn. I’m right here. This is it for me; I’m not going anywhere. Ever.” And I believe him with everything in me.

  “I love you,” I say, and he crushes his lips to mine. I feel his hands reach under my arms and pull me into his lap. I’m straddling him in the passenger seat, and he never breaks our kiss. His hands are on either side of my face, and I’m getting completely lost. I can feel the energy inside the vehicle beginning to intensify.

  He runs his hands down my sides, landing on my thighs. My fingers find the zipper of his jeans, and I’m working to unsnap the button while he pushes my dress up over my hips. I have the strongest urge to be as close to him as possible. I feel his fingertips tracing along the edge of my panty line before he moves them aside and smooths his thumb over the most sensitive part of my body. I lean my head back and he kisses my throat. “I love you so much,” he says, pulling my face back to him. He holds my chin between his finger and thumb. He watches me as he reaches down with the other hand, and places himself just on the edge.

  “Traveler, please,” is all I can say. Begging him to be inside of me.

  “Tell me you’ll never try to leave me again. Not unless you really mean it.” He teases me by only entering me enough to make me suck in a quick breath of air. I try rocking my hips back and forth, just to feel him. He grabs onto my waist, holding me completely still, and I grip his shoulders. “Tell me,” he coaxes seductively, tracing his lips down my shoulder.

  “Never. I’ll never leave you. I love you.” He pushes himself completely inside me, and releases his strong hold allowing me to move and soothe the ache I have for him.

  “You are mine.” He grips my hips and thrusts himself inside me. He leans his head back against the seat as he slides in and out of me.

  “Yes—” I can feel the tension building between my legs. “—always.”

  He sits completely up and wraps both of my legs around his waist, so I can’t move. Our noses are touching, and our lips are pressed together. I can feel him so deep inside me. He grabs underneath me, my cheeks in each hand, and begins rocking me back and forth in his lap. “Forever?” he asks. I squeeze down, evoking a low moan from him.

  “Yes. Forever,” I respond, right before I explode into pleasure, taking him with me. I feel his heat rushing inside me, and I hold onto his shoulders wanting everything from him.

  We sit together, our bodies connected, touching each other and breathing in the same air. His hands work into my hair, and he tilts my head back and kisses me sweetly as he pulls out of me. “Forever,” he says. He places his arms around my back and flips me over to where I’m sitting in the passenger seat where he just was. He tugs my dress back over my thighs before hitching his jeans up around his waist, and then opens the door letting a cool rush of air inside the Jeep.

  He jogs around to the driver’s side and gets back in. “Everything is going to be okay. Do you trust me?” I lean over and hug my arms around his waist. His strong back muscles move underneath my hands.

  “I trust you,” I say, though my words are deceiving. I trust Traveler, it’s the people who want to cause him harm that I don’t trust.

  “I can’t deal with losing you, Johanna. I don’t care how quick this all feels. I don’t care about the warnings everyone is giving me. All I know is I will do anything and everything to make being with you possible. As long as you want me, I will fight for you. And don’t try that shit again. If you ever stop loving me for real, I’ll know. No use in faking it,” he says with a crooked grin. I tilt my head up and kiss his beautiful mouth.

  “I’m not sorry for trying. Traveler, you shifted without your chamber?” I say, more as a question than a statement.

  He scratches the back of his head. “I felt the engine of the Jeep building, and I knew I couldn’t let you leave. I needed to stop you and to be next to you, and then it happened. So fast.” He shakes his head, confused and holding his hands out. “I need to talk to Arden. See what he knows about my mother’s ability to do the same thing.” He looks at my face. “I don’t want to leave you.”

  “I don’t want you to go either. But Arden is expecting you. You have a lot to report to him.”

  “I’m coming back for you. I’ll only be gone for a day. I’m coming back, and I’m staying,” he repeats, making sure I understand.

  “Don’t do anything risky. Please, Traveler.”

  “Okay. When it’s safe, I’m coming back. First opportunity I get.” He pulls me into his chest and holds me close. I breathe in his scent. How did I manage to fall so head over heels in love so fast? And with a time-traveler of all people.

  We both get out of the Jeep. I lean my head back and look at the glittering stars painted against the black backdrop. “Looking up at the sky, I always knew there was more. But I never expected it to be you. This I could have never dreamt up. I love you.”

  “I know, baby. I love you, too.” He kisses my lips softly, before stepping back and away from me. “I’ll watch you drive off, and then I’ll go back through the woods. I’m coming back, okay?” he asks, and I nod my head yes.

  I get in the driver’s side of the Jeep and give him a small wave before pulling away from the woods. There is an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach driving away from him. But I’m choosing to trust him, and trust that he will be careful. I’m at the bottom of the mountain when I see a fa
int, blue-tinted glow spark across the sky, and I smile to myself.

  I send out a text to MB:

  —Back in town, Mama.—

  —How are you guys doing?—

  MB: —We got home a few hours ago.—

  —Already? I’m on my way! Need anything?—

  MB: —Well, since you asked…I seriously underestimated how fast Trey would go through diapers.—

  —LOL no problem. I’ll swing by and grab a pack. Be there in 15.—

  MB: —Auntie Jo to the rescue!—

  I ease my foot down on the gas pedal and turn right toward the local superstore. I’m anxious to get home and see my family, and to hold Trey.

  The store is unusually crowded for a Sunday night. I make my way to the baby supplies aisle and quickly locate the New Born-size diapers, throwing them into the cart. I go to the grocery side and snag a carton of my favorite chocolate mint ice cream and a bottle of Pinot Grigio for good measure. A hot bubble bath and a glass of wine sounds amazing right now.

  I’m standing in line, when I feel eyes boring holes into the back of my scull. I slowly turn my head, and Katie is glaring at me with a murderous stare. “Boozing it up?” she asks, looking in my cart, then squinting her eyes at me.

  “Seriously Katie, find yourself a new hobby other than inquiring about my life.” I’m not in the mood for her, and I don’t care about fake pleasantries.

  “Your life? Funny you speak of your life, when you’re so desperately jealous of mine. I know that you tried to seduce Max in your room the night of the party. And I know that you slapped him when he rejected you. You’re pathetic.” I can tell that she only half-believes what Max said to her.

  “Oh, Katie. I think you and I both know better than that.” I tilt my head at her and give her a look full of pity. I can see the rage changing her skin tone.