Alone

by Abigail Wallace

  I sigh, running my fingers through my hair, “You won’t have to worry about that.” I reply, “If they don’t come back, I’ll do it for you.” I say to his ear as I walk past him to where Kat and Kevin are talking to Ally I hand Kat two fully packed backpacks.

  “You’re gonna need these. They have water, blankets, food, knives, a map, a compass, and two extra bags for anything you find.” I say, “Thank you guys for doing this. Be safe out there.”

  “Here Kev, catch,” Kat says, tossing him one of the backpacks. Kat leans in to give me a hug, “I’ll see you in a couple of weeks.” she says, her voice muffled.

  “See ya.” Kevin waves. I watch as the two of them walk out the door. I look at Alec but quickly look away. I was telling the truth. If I get the two of them killed, after knowing them for a day. Alec won’t have to kill me. I’ll handle it myself. I know that more than anything all of this is just an act of pride, of me wanting to prove myself to Alec, wanting to establish my place in this group of people right away.

  After they leave everyone else gets to work on searching for anything we could use to clean up and fix up the house. Alec walks up next to me.

  He opens his mouth as though he was going to say something, but nothing comes out.

  “Can I help you?” I finally ask.

  “I don’t like you,” he begins, “You seem to think you know what you’re doing, and you don’t. But, those two will be fine, so don’t worry about them. You’re doing okay at organizing everything. There’s a small chance you might be an asset.” I don’t know how to respond. It looked like it was physically painful for him to squeeze those words through his vocal chords.

  I stand next to him awkwardly, which seems to be the only thing I ever do around him. Other than spark arguments. One more awkward moment passes. Finally, I turn and practically run away. I didn’t look to see his reaction, but I’m assuming it looked a lot like somebody trying to suppress a laugh. If Alec laughs, which I doubt.

  “Way to go Scarlet.” I say to myself. I feel stupid for being so afraid around Alec. I feel even worse for being so worried about impressing him.

  After we have a large pile of scraps. I instruct Alec and Evan to begin measuring the boards. Alec grudgingly agrees to his task. Shark, Ally and I began taking out pieces of old, rotting wood that need replacing.

  I’ll admit I did purposely give Shark the job that was closer to me, I really want to get to know him. I don’t know why. The guy is frustrating with his whole silent thing going on, but I’m almost drawn to be around him. Even though he’s probably tired of me hanging around him all of the time.

  This has been a lot harder than I pictured it being in my head. Much more time consuming than I thought it would be. Ally and I work close to each other giving us the opportunity to talk a bit more. Around lunch, she asks if I’ll help her in the kitchen. I agree, grateful for the break from being on my knees.

  “So, how’re you doing with all this?” she asks me once we’re alone.

  “I’m fine.” I reply, preoccupied with slicing up a potato.

  “Really?” she questions, eyeing the large knife in my hand as I aggressively chop the round vegetable, “You seem stressed.”

  “I’ve just been thinking. It feels like all of this is pointless, you know? Like we’re all just kind of waiting to die. Like we’re distracting ourselves from the truth.”

  “That’s not morbid…” she chuckles, “I think what you’re doing is just finding a purpose for being here. I’ll be honest, it’s helped me feel better about surviving. It’s brave. Makes me feel like, unlike that potato,” She nods to the mutilated potato on the cutting board, “we will all make it through this.” she finishes.

  “Well, I may not if I keep pissing off Alec like that.” I point out.

  “Alec’s a hot head, but he’ll come around. He’s one of those tough on the outside, soft on the inside types of people.”

  “Maybe.” I sigh.

  “Trust me. I grew up with him around. I know how he can be. He’ll soften up, just give him time.” she reassures me, “And stop showing off to earn his approval, run your ideas by him. Show him who you are and include him in decisions. That’ll go a long way.” She lights the stove and tosses the potatoes into a skillet.

  “I’ll do my best.” I reply as I watch her cook, “I’m not trying to take over anything you know.” I say after a minute. I gather my thoughts, hoping that she doesn’t already think that’s what I want. “I just don’t want to sit around like we’re just waiting for the end. Having a purpose, a project. It gives me hope that things won’t be this way forever.”

  “I get it.” She smiles at me, “Hope is the only thing I’m running on at this point.”

  “It’s really all we have left.”

  We stand in a gloomy silence, our eyes looking at the floor.

  “Anyway, why don’t you tell me about your family.” She changes the subject.

  I agree. We talk about our past as we cook. It seems sad, reminiscing like this. But it feels good to remember them. It feels good to know that I remember them.

  After dinner I let everyone have the rest of the night off. Evan and Ally both decide to go to bed and Alec goes back to work replacing floor boards. He told us he doesn’t like to waste time on sleep. That seems pretty intense to me, but Alec’s pretty intense. I sit down on the couch next to Shark. I stare at the wall across from me. He doesn’t talk for a long time.

  “I don’t want to talk.” he finally says.

  “Trust me. I know.” I reply.

  “You’re not too bad at this though.”

  I cock my head slightly in confusion.

  “You’re a natural leader, I can tell. I just think you need to back off Alec a bit. He’s a natural leader too. You guys just need to help each other, work together.” I listen thoughtfully to him.

  “He’s so stubborn though.” I argue, although I know that he’s right. We should work together.

  “And you’re impulsive.” Shark adds. “You got here yesterday and you’re already trying to call the shots. That’s cool and all but I would want him backing me up if I were you. He won’t support you if you keep picking fights with him.” I frown.

  “You’re right.” I admit. “You know a lot about us for someone who’s known us for less than a week.” I point out. I guess he spends all of his time observing. I’ve seen him watching Evan closely since I got here. He watches the others too, silently. He doesn’t reply. I don’t want the conversation to end though. I search my brain for something that could possibly spark another short conversation.

  “Was it irrational of me to send Kat and Kevin out there?” I ask him. He sighs deeply. I know I’m getting on his nerves.

  “Yes.,” he replies, “‘it was irrational. I think you were just trying to show Alec that you could do something with your position.” I want to argue with him about the Alec part, but I can’t. I know the reason I sent them out was so that I could look like I was doing something.

  “I could get them killed.” I say, not expecting him to comfort, or even reply.

  “You could.” He shrugs. “You have no idea what’s out there.”

  “What do you mean?” I ask, now paranoid. I imagine Kat being eaten by a lion, wincing slightly at the thought. He gives me a look that says he’s not going to answer that. I wander off to bed, wondering what he meant.

  “You have no idea what’s out there.” Echoes through my mind.

  I lay awake on my bed, imagining Kevin and Kat dying brutal deaths. I can hear Alec working downstairs so I decide to go downstairs and help. If I can’t sleep, I should be doing something useful, something to get my mind off of Kat and Kevin.

  I climb down the creaky stairs and without a word, pick up some nails and a hammer and begin to work on a different spot on the floor.

  “Can’t sleep?” Alec asks, still focused on his task. I ignore him. Out of the corner of my eye, I see him put his tools down and turn to look at me.


  “What?” I ask defensively.

  “Nothing.”

  “You looked like you wanted to say something.”

  “I keep thinking I should apologize to you or something, for being rude or whatever. But then every time I try, I look at you and I get annoyed.” he tells me.

  “Well, if it makes you feel better you annoy me too.” I reply.

  “I’ll admit I kind of agree with you though, It’s good to keep working and doing what we can. Gives us purpose, something to do. The other’s seem more hopeful since they haven’t been sitting around doing nothing.” I’m amazed that he’s being the slightest bit nice to me. “But anger practically seeps through your pores. I see it in your eyes, a thirst for revenge, for blood and I don’t want you to turn the others into that. You have proven to be extremely persuasive.”

  “Those people, whoever they are, deserve to die.” I argue.

  “Maybe. But, they could be in another country or they could already be dead. There’s no way for us to know who or where they are. We need to focus on us, on rebuilding to where we can start again. We could build all the houses, we can start more gardens, we can move on without hurting anybody.”

  “I know. I’m just angry so and all I can think about, all that’s getting me through at this point, is the thought that one day I am going to get them back.” I tell him.

  He pinches his lips together and takes a deep, frustrated breath.

  “I can’t support you in that.”

  “I don’t need your support.” I growl.

  “Scarlet…you seem smart and if you’re goal wasn’t mass murder, I would back you all the way. You’re a natural leader. But I don’t think killing more people is how we should go about this.”

  “Maybe not,” I think for a moment, “but we have to do something.”

  “I know, and we will. We’ll live.” He smiles a bit. “You should get some sleep.”

  “I’m not tired.”

  “You are,” he argues. “You’ve been hammering that nail for the past five minutes.” He points out.

  I sigh and nod, “I’ll see you in the morning.”

  I climb the steps feeling weird about the conversation about my apparent blood lust. I feel better about Alec, less threatened by him. I feel worse about myself. He’s right…this isn’t the answer, but I don’t think this anger is going away anytime soon.

  I wake up before everybody else. The golden sunlight is just beginning to shine through the hole in the wall. I try not to make too much noise going down the rickety stairs, realizing that maybe we should’ve started working on the stairs instead of the floor.

  It’s probably around five-thirty in the morning, way earlier than my body would like to be functional at. I walk around the living room, seeing how much work Alec did. Which is quite a bit.

  I walk out into the garden. The grass is wet with dew, a light breeze floats through the air. I find a nice sunspot and sit in it, feeling the warmth of the morning sun on my face. I think about how the world itself still seems so peaceful, so content even after everything.

  The sun is still shining, the plants are still growing, the birds are beginning to fly again. I start to picture what life was like before. It gets harder to remember the longer it’s been. I pray that even long into my old age I will still be able to picture my family and my friends, picture the earth before. I sigh and lose myself in thought. In reflection. For hours I sit there, in that sun spot and I allow myself to forget everything and live in the past.

  Ally calling me in for breakfast brings me back to reality. After breakfast we get back to work on the floorboards. We finished the hallway and half of the living room.

  “Guys,” I begin, they all stop and look at me, “can we put this on hold and actually do the stairs?” I ask.

  “Please!” Ally laughs. “They’re so loud! I always feel like I’m gonna fall through.” Everyone laughs a little and nods.

  “I’ll get everything we’ll need.” Alec says. I could be wrong but I’m almost certain that I could see him suppressing some laughter.

  As we work on the stairs, we talk and learn more about each other. I learned that Ally was really into acting. I like connecting with them and learning more about who they were before the bombings. Although, it’s obvious now that none of us will be the person we were before this.

  “So Scarlet, what about you?” Ally asks. “What kind of things did you do in D.C.?”

  “Well, I love to draw. I spent a lot of time sitting on the bench in my backyard, drawing the birds and the trees and other cliche things like that.”

  “Do you think it’s still there?” Ally asks. “The house?”

  I frown, “I hadn’t thought about it.”

  “I feel like if D.C. hadn’t been attacked, there would be people here, helping us.” Ally mentions.

  “So, someone managed to bomb the entire country?” I ask, confused. “Who has the resources for that?”

  “You’re right though.” Shark adds, “There would’ve been disaster relief teams swarming this side of the country by now.”

  We continue our discussion well into the morning. I hadn’t considered any of this until now, did this happen to all of the States?

  “Unless they don’t care.” Evan points out. The thought is scary, but possible. Before the bombings, the government had started to slowly pull away from the states on this side of the country.

  “They have to. It’s their country.” Alec argues.

  “Unless, they’re the ones who did it.” Evan suggests. A small part of me is worried he’s going to tell them about his plans. I doubt he’s that stupid. Alec would throw him out for that…or worse.

  “Are you dumb?” Ally chuckles uncomfortably. “Why would the US government bomb their own country?”

  “Just a theory…” Evan begins, “A couple years ago, there was this debate about whether or not they should limit the amount of children people were allowed to have…obviously that didn’t fly, but they did start pushing birth control more. You guys remember that?”

  “Go on,” Alec says, obviously annoyed, but also curious.

  “Say the US population was getting out of control. Food prices went up because the food supply was running low. Gas prices, housing, cars. So, instead of limiting children, they decide to wipe out the population, rebuild.” Evan explains. I look at him confused. It makes sense, but it doesn’t at the same time.

  “If they wipe out the population, how are they planning on ‘rebuilding’?” Alec asks, no longer intrigued.

  “I don’t know man. I bet that’s what the bunkers are for. I mean there’s no way there’s only one.” Evan replies. I’m now convinced that Evan’s crazy, his conspiracies make it obvious, but I won’t lie, it is almost believable. It sounds like something he’s been thinking about for years.

  “Bunkers?” Ally raises an eyebrow.

  “It is too early in the morning for this kind of crap.” Shark grumbles. We’re all shocked that he spoke at all. I see Alec nod to himself, agreeing with Shark. Evan shoots Shark a glare. The two of them hold each other’s gaze. The room is filled with awkward silence until Ally can come up with a way to fill the silence with something comedic.

  Evan stands up abruptly and storms out of the room. Shark’s eyes follow him as he leaves. I watch Shark for a moment longer. What is up with that guy? Why so mysterious? Why so interested in Evan?

  After a small lunch of salad and bread, we work non-stop until dinner; except Ally who is our designated chef. We finish the stairs and return to putting the floor down. We all agree on gardening tomorrow. We work mostly in silence. All of us spend the afternoon in our heads, only muttering a couple words when we need a tool from another person.

  Our hands are torn up, some bleeding from random mishaps. Our muscles ache and we’re tired, we work as if we don’t have all the time in the world to do this, as if we have something else to look forward to. We work so we don’t feel helpless, so we at least have something to keep
our hands busy.

  Every now and then I notice Shark and Evan shooting each other glares. I know Evan’s pride is hurt from earlier. He doesn’t seem like the type that handles being called out very well. I wonder if he’s always been like this, or if it’s just the aftermath of the attacks. I move myself closer to where Evan works. Close enough that he can hear me, but hopefully the others can’t.

  “You come up with that theory yourself?” I ask. Genuinely wondering how he knows what he thinks he knows.

  “Something like that.” he replies vaguely. I frown thoughtfully, considering all of the things he mentioned at breakfast.

  “I know they mentioned that we were close to overpopulation, but I thought they said it was solved.” I say.

  “They never said how it was solved though.” He points out, “Everyone assumed it had something to do with the growing death rate, just from old people getting…old. But nobody actually confirmed it was growing.” He looks behind me for a second, stops talking and focuses on the project in front of him. Instinctively I turn around to see Shark staring at the two of us talking.

  I shrug, “keep going.” I whisper. Maybe it’s because I just want somebody to blame, but I’m starting to believe this. It’s beginning to make sense to me. He shakes his head.

  “We can meet at the house later.” he whispers, “He can’t be around when we talk.”

  I nod, even though I’m pretty sure he can’t see me and get up quietly. I return to my former spot and continue what I was working on before my curiosity distracted me. I feel Shark’s eyes on me now, I don’t have to look up to know that he’s watching me work.

  “So,” Alec begins as we’re all sitting around the dinner table eating some soup that Ally came up with using whatever she could find. “I think we need to go farther out then this neighborhood and find more supplies.”

  “Look who’s being a team player.” Evan mumbles.. Alec shifts his attention to him. The air in the room goes cold for a minute. The rest of us prepare ourselves to witness a murder.