WITH THIS LIE: A NOVEL

by Savage, Kat

  Maybe I can catch her at work. What did she used to say? She would go on break in the alley in the back? I remember her saying it was quiet back there, not many people back there. Maybe I could wait there. Yeah, I could snatch her up on a break. I could do that. It would be so easy. And I wouldn’t have to worry about some dude showing up. It’s not like he fucking follows her to work too.

  That’s what I’ll do. I know when she usually works. It’s probably dark back there too. I turn to keep walking and plot my plan. She’ll never see it coming. I’ll already have her by the time she realizes what is happening.

  Perfect. Fucking perfect.

  18

  Dani

  Lucas woke me up in the middle of the night with his lips. I didn’t mind it. And while I could sit and pretend what happened before we fell back asleep was nothing more than drowsy sex, it was a bit more intimate than that, a bit more tender. My body reacted to his touch in a way I couldn’t explain. Pleasure was one thing. Complete and utter openness and vulnerability was another.

  The thought of letting myself go like that frightens me. But each time I think of Lucas, I smile, and it feels like it could be okay. I lie there beside him in bed in the early morning hours and watch him sleep. I push his hair back and don’t remember a time I was this content with a man in bed. For me, it had always been about the sex. But this is more. I can feel it. I brush my hair back behind my ear and wonder if it feels like more to him too. Not that I had anything to compare this to. But it certainly feels different than say, Mark. That’s something, right?

  Of course, he doesn’t feel something more. He’s fucking married, Dani. Why would you even think that? You know better. Married men never leave their wives. You’re just here for fun. Nothing more. Although sometimes, I think I could be wrong.

  Lucas shifts and stretches his arms out with his eyes still closed but I can tell he’s awake.

  “Good morning, you,” I say.

  “Good morning to you. How did you sleep?” he asks.

  “Not too bad considering someone is on my side of the bed.”

  He laughs. “What time is it?”

  “Just after seven,” I reply.

  He groans and throws his arm over his eyes. “I guess I have to go to work in a little while.”

  “You guess?”

  “Yeah. Meaning I don’t want to. Meaning I guess I will even though I’d much rather stay here and ravage you three more times before lunch,” he says.

  I gulp hard. “I mean I wouldn’t complain.”

  “Don’t tempt me. I will totally call in sick,” he says.

  I consider the notion for a moment and decide not to press it. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Of course,” he says.

  “Well, I have a birthday coming up. It’s in a few weeks. And maybe it’s a little presumptuous, but would you want to come to my party? I have to have a party.”

  “You have to have a party? Like have to?” he asks.

  I shift a little. “Yes. I have to.”

  “You’re not going to tell me why?”

  “Um, I’m not sure you’d want to know. It’s heavy. You’re here for fun, right?” I ask.

  He shifts a bit and clears his throat. Something about his movement strikes me. He doesn’t like my words.

  “I mean, I guess you’re right. But, like, you can talk to me, you know?” he says.

  “I can? About the heavy stuff, you mean?”

  “Yeah. Of course. You have to have somewhere to unload it. I can handle it, you know,” he says.

  I consider his words for several minutes. Is my past safe with him? “My mother is alive.” I say, finally saying it out loud to someone.

  His face jerks to look at mine. “Oh, I’m sorry, just the way you’ve spoken about her made me think otherwise.”

  “No, it’s not your misunderstanding. I give that impression on purpose.”

  “Why?” he asks me.

  “Because it’s easier that way. Easier than this conversation.”

  “What’s going on?”

  “She’s in prison. And she’s never getting out,” I say. Another thing I’ve never said out loud to someone else.

  “Wow,” he says. A look of shock rolls over him and I can tell he doesn’t know what to say or what to ask.

  “She saved my life, though, Lucas. I need you to know that. She’s there because of me. She’s there because she protected me,” I say.

  “What happened, Dani? You can tell me,” he urges, rubbing my shoulder.

  “She was a prostitute, okay? She was a prostitute and a bad man came to our house when she wasn’t home.” I swallow hard. The next part hurts. “He touched me. He took my shirt off and he was touching me, and I was only eleven.” I say. I feel Lucas’s hand grip my shoulder harder. I can see his jaw clenching.

  “I’m sorry, Dani,” he says.

  “My mother came home and saw what he was doing. She made me hide in my closet. She killed him. And she was just a prostitute and he was more important to this world. No one cared it was to protect me. No one cared she was just doing what any mother would. They sent her away,” I say. I’ve never told anyone any of this. I swallow again, waiting for him to speak, expecting cruelty.

  “That’s awful, Dani. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I’m so sorry she can’t be here with you,” he says softly.

  He keeps rubbing my shoulder and I can feel tears well up in my eyes. I stand up from the bed and put my other robe around me. I can’t do this here. I walk over to my closet and open the door. “Can you come here?” I ask him. I feel stupid but I can’t stop myself.

  He gets up from the bed and follows me to my closet. I sit down on the floor and gesture for him to sit beside me. He sits down and pushes himself back into the closet next to me. I don’t say anything just yet. I let the tears fall.

  “What are we doing in here, Dani?” he asks, stroking my hair.

  And so, I explain it to him. I tell him about my castle as a kid. I tell him about how my mother put me in there, how it was to protect me. I tell him how despite being a hooker, she was the best mom. I tell him I haven’t cried outside of a closet since I was a kid and that I still sit on the floor of one when I need to feel safe. He looks at me and presses his lips together. I don’t feel judgment like I expect.

  “That’s okay, you know. I’m sure she was a really great mom. And it sounds like she’d do it all over again to protect you again. It’s okay, Dani. Really. Thank you for telling me,” he says.

  I lay my head on his shoulder and sniffle a few more times. He sits there with me and lets me get it out. “I’ve never told anyone that before,” I admit.

  “None of it?” he asks.

  I shake my head.

  “Well, thank you for trusting me with it. I’ll keep your secret safe,” he says.

  “That’s why I have to have a party. She asked me to. She wants to see pictures. She’s tired of me not celebrating it.”

  “You haven’t celebrated your birthday? Ever?” he asks, shock in his voice.

  “No,” I say.

  He shifts a little and leans up. “Okay, then you need an awesome party. Like a big one,” he says, smiling at me.

  Maybe it won’t be so bad. Maybe with him there, I could enjoy it. “Okay,” I say. “I’ll have a party.”

  “Yes!” he shouts.

  I laugh and wipe the tears from my eyes. “Do you need me to help you plan it?”

  “That would be good, actually,” he says.

  I mentally settle into the fact that in a few short weeks I will be having a full-blown birthday bash with people and drinking and music and maybe even some gifts.

  “Oh my god, wait,” he says, the shock returning. “Does that mean you’ve never gotten a birthday present?”

  “Not since I was eleven,” I say. I didn’t really think it was a big deal but the look on his face says otherwise.

  “Okay, challenge accepted. I’m now in pursuit of the best, m
ost perfect birthday gift,” he says.

  “You don’t have to do that,” I say.

  “Oh yes, I do, Dani. I do,” he says, pulling my chin up to look me in the eyes. He kisses me softly.

  “I guess you should start thinking about going to work,” I say, biting my bottom lip where the feel of his kiss is still lingering.

  “Actually, I think I’d rather call in and take you on a day date. If you want?” he asks.

  “Really?”

  “Definitely,” he says.

  “Okay,” I say, smiling.

  “All right, I’m going to run home and change my clothes. You get ready, okay? I’ll only be like half an hour,” he says, getting up from the closet and getting dressed.

  “Perfect,” I say.

  He kisses me at the door and walks out. I turn back to my bedroom to find something to wear. Without knowing where we are going, picking clothes might be a challenge but day dates are generally casual. I pull out some skinny jeans and a t-shirt. I’ll wear my boots as always. I start getting ready and think about how kind Lucas had been to me this morning.

  If I’m being honest, Lucas is starting to scare me. Not him, but his presence. The way he makes me feel. In our short time together so far, I always find myself looking forward to more. I think forward to my party. It will be nice to have him there. The friends I do have, they’ve never seen me with anyone. Quinn would be really surprised, considering I would never let her set me up.

  After dressing and putting on some make-up, I turn my attention to cleaning the apartment. I need to distract myself from my distraction, if that makes sense. I need to think of anything other than Lucas. I need to think about something other than the fact that I wish he wasn’t married. This isn’t like me. The entire stream of thoughts I’m having are dangerous and strange. My mother’s words echo in my head.

  Be careful. You like him.

  They’re always going to hurt you.

  They’re never going to want you like you want them.

  It’s what they do. It’s who they are. You can’t change a cheater’s nature.

  Great. He’ll be back any minute and my mind is heavy with wishing for the impossible.

  I hear a knock at the door. Time for that day date.

  19

  Dani

  “Are you going to tell me where we are going?” I ask.

  “Nope,” Lucas says.

  I laugh. Of course, he wanted to surprise me. He likes his surprises. We are in his car heading east out of the city.

  “Fine,” I say. I cross my arms across my chest and pretend to pout.

  He laughs at me. “Okay, okay, I’ll give you a clue. There is water there.”

  “Well, we don’t live near a beach, and you didn’t tell me to pack a swimsuit, so that’s limiting,” I say, thinking hard about his clue.

  “I think you’ll like it,” he says.

  “I’m sure I will,” I say. I plug my phone into his car and start scrolling through some songs until I find “Tiny Dancer” by Elton John and press play with possibly a little too much excitement. When the music starts, I begin to bounce in my seat a little and I notice Lucas eyeing me with a wide smile. “What?” I ask.

  “Oh, nothing at all,” he says.

  “Are you laughing at me?” I ask, crossing my arms.

  “Not even a little. You’re adorable,” he says.

  “Well thank you,” I say. I bop my head back and forth to the song and we go onward down the road.

  We pull into the parking lot of the Newport Aquarium and my face lights up. “Oh my god, are we going to the aquarium?”

  “Have you ever been?” he asks.

  “Never!” I say.

  “How is that possible?” he asks.

  “I don’t know, I’ve had a boring life I guess,” I say.

  “Well I’m fixing this one thing now at least,” he says.

  We get out of his car and start toward the entrance. We get in line at the ticket booth and I see couples and families all standing together in line. Sometimes when I see normal couples, I’m almost envious, but today I get to pretend I am in one.

  Lucas puts his hand in mine and leads me through the line. He kisses the top of my head and whispers in my ear. I laugh and notice a few people looking at us. I can’t help but wonder if they know, or if perhaps they saw us the way I look at other couples. Lucas pays for our tickets and we walk inside. I am so excited, I feel a bounce in my step, like a child half-skipping to her own party.

  “What’s your favorite sea creature?” he asks.

  “Definitely the octopus,” I say.

  “How come?”

  “When an octopus experiences turmoil, it will rip out all three of its hearts,” I say.

  “Wait, what?” he asks.

  “It’s a line I read once by a poet named Nikki Carroll. It sort of stuck with me. I can relate. It’s sort of what I did with my life, you know? To protect myself,” I say.

  “Yeah, I get that,” he says, and it sounds like he genuinely does.

  “So, we definitely have to see them!” I say.

  “Definitely,” he says.

  We wander through tube corridors and watch colorful fish swimming all around us until we get to the shark area and stop for a little while longer.

  “This is by far one of the better tanks,” I say, my eyes wide.

  “I agree,” he says.

  I watch him as he watches a large shark swim over his head. The wonder of this place isn’t just for children. We walk into the next area and it grows darker. Large tanks of bright jellyfish are all around. The lighting highlights all their tiny little features and for a second, I almost think about switching my earlier answer.

  “Dani, this way,” he says, holding his hand out to me.

  We enter another dark room and there it is. A giant octopus is in a large tank in the center of the floor, stretching its tentacles outward toward the glass. I pause for a moment in shock before running up to the glass. I stand in awe, watching the majestic creature slink and glide through the water. I feel Lucas wrap his arm around my waist and pull me into him.

  “Lucas, this is amazing,” I say.

  He kisses me on my temple, and I brush my hand across the hair on his jawline.

  “I’m glad you like it,” he says.

  “I really do,” I say.

  We stand there watching the octopus for several more minutes before moving on to the next exhibits.

  “Are you hungry?” Lucas asks, gesturing toward the café that’s mid-way through the exhibits.

  “Yeah, I could eat,” I say.

  We go through line and grab some turkey and swiss wraps, chips, and drinks. We find an unoccupied table near the corner and take a seat.

  “So, I take it this will go down in your book as a good date?” Lucas asks.

  “Well, I don’t have a lot to compare it to, to be honest. I don’t go on a lot of dates. But, of the few I’ve been on, this is by far the best one,” I answer.

  Lucas sits back, studying my face. “I just can’t believe you haven’t been on that many dates. Who wouldn’t want to take you out?”

  “Well, it’s a combination of things really. One being that I don’t accept many dates.”

  “Now I feel special,” he says, putting his hand across his heart.

  “You should,” I say, laughing. I take another bite of my wrap and I hear him open his chips. The smile on his lips never leaves though.

  We spend a few minutes eating in silence and clean up our trash.

  “Ready to see the rest?” he asks.

  “Definitely,” I say.

  We walk over to the section of the exhibits where you can stick your hand down into the water and pet different crustaceans.

  “No way am I sticking my hand in there,” Lucas says. He crosses his arms in front of him while I am elbow deep in the first tank.

  “Oh, come on, they feel so cool!” I say, trying my best to convince him.

  “Nop
e. No thank you,” he says.

  “Not even for a crisp hundred-dollar bill?” I push my bottom lip out and start pouting. “How about for a kiss?”

  “Don’t do that,” he says.

  “Do what?” I ask, pushing my lip out again.

  “The puppy dog face thing,” he says.

  “But I’m not,” I say. I push out my lip and make the biggest puppy dog eyes I can.

  “Fine. You know what? Fine, I’ll do it. But I want two kisses.”

  “Deal,” I say, perking up. I love the smell of victory.

  Lucas unfolds his arms slowly and approaches the tank I have my arm in. He peers down into the water and grimaces. He dips his fingers in and I see his shoulders tense up. “It’s so cold,” he says.

  “Don’t be such a wuss,” I say.

  He shoots a look in my direction and plunges his arm deeper into the water until his hand touches the same starfish mine is touching.

  I smile the biggest smile I can manage.

  “Don’t do that,” he says.

  “What?” I ask.

  “Grin at me, so pleased with yourself,” he says.

  “But I am.”

  “Oh, I know you are,” he says.

  We take turns touching more things in the tanks. I can’t tell you what half of them are, but I am having a blast and Lucas is glad I’m having a blast. He isn’t much for touching the things himself, though he is a good sport about it.

  We reach the end of the aquarium and there is a gift shop. I shoot Lucas a “pretty please” look and he nods his head. I take him by the hand and drag him inside.

  I’m looking at refrigerator magnets and keychains when Lucas walks up to me with a gift bag already in hand.