WITH THIS LIE: A NOVEL

by Savage, Kat

  “I got you something,” he says, looking pleased with himself.

  “You did?” I ask, surprised and excited.

  “Yep, but you’ll have to wait until we get to the car,” he says.

  He holds his hand out to me and we walk out together, still on a happy high from the day. I check my phone for the first time and it’s later than I thought.

  “Wow, we were out all day,” I say.

  “I’m not complaining,” he says.

  “Oh, me neither. I’m just surprised.”

  We get to the car and he opens the door for me. I sit down inside, and he goes around to his side, sliding in next to me.

  “You ready?” he asks.

  “Ready!” I say.

  He holds out the bag and I take it into my lap, opening the top. I remove the paper inside to find a large stuffed pink octopus. It’s soft and adorable I want to laugh and cry at the same time.

  “Do you like it?” he asks.

  “Oh my god, I love it!” I say. “It’s perfect and cute and ridiculous in the best way.” I hug it to my chest and smile.

  “Good, I’m glad,” he says.

  “This may be the best gift,” I say.

  “Well, that’s because I haven’t given you your birthday gift,” he says, smirking.

  “Stop it,” I say.

  Lucas pulls out of the parking lot and we head back. I put on some soft music and we hold hands the entire way back, enjoying the music and a comfortable quiet between us.

  Today Lucas had given me something so many had failed to do, something so many weren’t even interested in doing actually. Today, we were just a normal couple. We went out on a regular date and did regular couple things. Now I had a pink octopus for my bed, a tangible memory to hold onto. Perhaps that wasn’t the best idea, given this would all fall apart at some point. But I didn’t care. I wanted to pretend, just for today.

  Today, we were more. Today, we were something.

  20

  Lucas

  I’ve been seeing Dani for a few weeks now and her birthday is quickly approaching. I’ve been hunting for the perfect birthday gift, but I can’t seem to find it. I have this feeling that when I see it, I will just know, but I haven’t seen it yet. I’m determined to figure it out today. I’ve been walking from shop to shop, touching fabrics, looking at jewelry, smelling perfumes. Nothing’s right.

  Over the past few weeks, it became obvious to me I was falling for her. Hard. We spent a lot of time together, especially considering my brother had managed to cancel on me three more times and we still hadn’t met up. Each time he canceled, I found myself at Dani’s doorstep, wanting more of her, craving more of her. Sometimes I think I could make her happy. Like happy, happy. Sometimes I think I could tell her the truth and she wouldn’t run, she wouldn’t end it with me. Sometimes I think she could even be happy and excited. Sometimes I think she could love me. But then I remember who she is, I remember what she is made of, and I know in my heart she will run.

  This is the entire fucking reason I have the life I do, the entire reason I wear this meaningless ring and go on like I do. To keep myself from this. I’m right back to where I never wanted to be. I’ll probably get hurt soon. I shake the thoughts from my head. I go into the next shop and start the process over again when I get a text.

  Dani: Hey you.

  Me: Hello beautiful.

  Dani: I have a question.

  Me: Shoot.

  Dani: I totally understand if this is too much, but would you want to come with me tomorrow to see my mother? She’s the most important person to me. I just thought it would be nice. Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe it doesn’t make any sense for you to come with me. I get it if it doesn’t. She knows the situation. I tell her everything in my letters to her.

  I’m taken aback for a moment, shocked at the question but not in a bad way. These are the kinds of moments that lead me to believe she could really want me beyond what she says.

  Me: I would be honored to go with you.

  Dani: Really? She says she wants to meet you. To talk about my birthday party. Haha.

  Me: I’ll be ready to talk about it then.

  Dani: Coming over tonight?

  Me: You bet. I can just stay and go with you tomorrow if that’s okay?

  Dani: You’re the one with the schedule. If you’re good, I’m always good.

  Me: I’m good.

  Pretending my wife is a nurse with a demanding schedule makes it easy enough to have as much free time as I want, really. But it doesn’t stop Dani from reminding me of my other commitments occasionally. Perhaps she was reminding herself too. She was never mean about it. They were just gentle reminders of the rest of my life. The rest of my pathetic pretend life. My fake, fraudulent life. God.

  Now I have two things to worry about. Dani’s birthday present and meeting her mother tomorrow. I’m still pretty shaken she asked me. But if I’m being honest with myself, her mysterious mother is someone I’m very interested in meeting. It’s just an intriguing story all the way around. At the very least, I could be a little less curious about her.

  After another four stores I call it quits on the present search and head back to my apartment to collect my things for tonight’s sleepover. I feel my phone go off again.

  Elliott: Sorry I keep bailing. This side project is taking up all my time.

  I roll my eyes. Of course. Maybe though…

  Me: That’s okay, man. This girl I’m seeing, her birthday is coming up next weekend. How about you make an appearance?

  I’m surprised to see him apologizing for his lack of availability. That’s real growth for him to be honest.

  Elliott: Sounds good. Send me the info later.

  Me: Will do.

  I put my phone away and grab my stuff and throw it in a bag. I stop at the living room couch for a moment and see the vinyl in my living room. A light bulb goes off for me and I know what I have to do. I know the only thing I can do. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before but it’s perfect in a way nothing else could ever be. I grab my keys and make my way out the door.

  Life has a funny way of showing you exactly what you need to see but not a moment before you need to see it. My theory was always that you saw it, but you didn’t receive it as you needed to until you were meant to. This is how we learn lessons, or pass on lessons, or even accept something about ourselves we wouldn’t before. I use this knowledge to try to be more receptive to my surroundings and events.

  I pull up to Dani’s apartment and step out onto the sidewalk, feeling a little uneasy. I don’t know why exactly. Maybe I’m nervous. But I feel uncomfortable about something. I look around, up and down the streets and across the road but nothing feels out of place really. Not in an obvious way. I shake it off, certain it’s just my mind playing tricks on me.

  I get to Dani’s door and knock but there’s no answer. I knock again and wait. When she doesn’t answer the second time, I call her phone and she picks up after a few rings.

  Dani: Lucas?

  Me: Dani? Where are you? I’m at your door.

  Dani: Oh thank god, I’ll be there in a second.

  Her voice sounds shaky and I’m worried. She opens the door and we both put our phones away. She throws her arms around me and her entire body is shaking.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask, concerned something terrible has happened.

  “Someone was trying to get into my apartment,” she says.

  “When?” I ask, panic in my voice.

  “Just a few minutes ago.”

  “I didn’t see anyone when I came up, they must’ve have gone quickly,” I say.

  “I don’t know, I panicked and ran to my closet. They were saying my name through the door but they were disguising it on purpose. It really freaked me out,” she says, clearly worried.

  “Did you call the cops?” I ask.

  “No,” she says, putting her head down.

  “Why not?” I ask, surprised.

  “They
took me away that night. All I remember are the blue lights. Cops frighten me and the blue lights trigger me. It’s not their fault,” she says.

  I rub her back and pull her closer to me. I try to be understanding. “They’re just doing their job. They’re just here to help,” I say, reassuring.

  “I know.”

  “Promise me you will call them if something else happens,” I say.

  She hesitates and doesn’t say anything.

  “Promise me, Dani,” I say to her.

  “I promise,” she finally says.

  I hug her for a long time and try my best to calm her. “I’ll run you a bath if you want,” I say.

  “No, I’m okay, really. Let’s just go to bed,” she says. She gets up from the couch and goes to the bedroom.

  I pull my shoes off and strip down to my briefs. I watch her pull her shirt off and then her pants. Her hair falls just below her shoulders and brushes over her back. The tattoo on her thigh begs to be traced. I don’t know why but, in this moment, I see her complete vulnerability, her delicate state of being. I watch her tuck her hair behind her ear. In this moment, I know I love her and I know we are destined to hurt each other. I regret everything, and nothing. I crawl into bed next to her and she looks up at me with a sweet smile. I kiss her lips and wrap my arms around her. I hold her tight, as tight as I can. One day I will have to let go, but today is not that day.

  21

  Mark

  I’ve been watching her for weeks now. This guy in her life is always fucking around. I went into the alley at her work and hid behind some dumpsters but the few times I managed to see her back there, there was someone with her or someone too close to move in. This stalking thing takes a lot of fucking patience.

  Tonight she was alone at her apartment so I tried to get to her. I tried knocking on the door and hiding out of sight of the peep hole. I disguised my voice but she didn’t grow curious enough to open the door. I thought about trying to force the door open, but she has too many neighbors for that.

  After a few minutes, I left. I figured if she wasn’t answering she might have called the police or that guy she’s seeing so it was best to get out of there fast.

  No matter what, I will make sure it happens this week. I have to. I have to make sure of it. I can’t keep doing this shit. I need to put her behind me and I can’t do that until I get what I need, until I get her back for what she did to me.

  No one says no to Marcus Elliott Stone and she needs to know that. I have to make her see. She has to pay.

  22

  Dani

  I wake up the next morning still wrapped up in Lucas’s arms, so comfortable I would probably fall back asleep if I lie here too long.

  “Good morning you,” he whispers into my ear.

  I feel his hands start to move over my body. We like taking each other in the morning. It’s the best way to start the day. “Good morning to you, lover,” I reply. I pull him on top of me and feel him begin to move against me. He kisses my neck because we both understand there’s nothing sexy about morning breath. My hands rub his back. I’ve come to enjoy this morning ritual. We’ve carved out these few moments of lazy, slow morning sex each time he’s spent the night and each time my day has always been better.

  I can feel him inside me now and I begin to moan against his collarbone. I kiss and bite him. The pace quickens and I spiral out of control. After he finishes, he gets up to shower and leaves me on the bed.

  “Are you coming to shower?” he asks.

  “I’ll be there in just a second. Still basking,” I say.

  He leaves the room and I hear him start the water. I close my eyes and steady my breath for a few minutes, relaxing in the aftermath of my orgasm. A smile spreads across my lips and against my better judgment, I know these days we make love more than we fuck. We both know it and we’ve both ignored saying anything about it. But I don’t feel like this after meaningless sex. I’ve never felt like this with a guy. A married man. I can’t pretend anymore. Not that I could do anything about it. I knew the deal. Married men never leave their wives, I remind myself. I knew that. I could pretend though, couldn’t I? I could imagine the possibilities. I could close my eyes every once in a while, and dream of a different life.

  Is this what love is? It’s not like I had ever let myself feel it for a man. Is this aching for another what people call love? Perhaps going to meet my mother is a bad idea. Perhaps this whole thing is a bad idea. I have to start thinking about ending it soon. For my sake. I brush the thoughts away and head for the bathroom.

  “There you are,” he says.

  “Here I am,” I say, smiling. I climb into the hot shower and my shoulders slump.

  “Want me to help wash you?” he asks, grinning.

  “I wouldn’t have it any other way,” I say.

  He takes the loofa and lathers it in his hands. He starts rubbing it over my back and neck first, taking his time. “Turn please,” he says.

  I oblige. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Of course,” he says.

  “What happened between you and your brother? I know you said you had a falling out but you never said what it was about. You did say it was a later date thing, and I think it’s safe to say we are past that.”

  Lucas falls silent for several minutes.

  “Sorry, you don’t have to answer,” I say. “I didn’t mean to drudge up something you didn’t want to talk about.”

  “No, no, it’s okay. Look, I don’t want to go into the details right now, but I’ll say this. He betrayed me. In a really big way. A way I never would have thought a brother would. I haven’t spoken to him since then until recently, while trying to mend things. After my mom died, I realized he’s the only family I have,” he says.

  I brush his wet hair clinging to his face away. “I’m sorry you had to deal with that.”

  “It’s okay,” he says.

  “Can I ask you something else?” I ask.

  “Sure.”

  “What does it feel like to fall in love?” I ask.

  His eyes shoot up to meet mine. He keeps washing my breasts and shoulders, but there’s surprise in his face. “You’ve never been in love?”

  “Well, no not really. I designed my life so that I wouldn’t.” I say.

  He lets my words sink in for a moment. “Well, um, it’s difficult to explain. When it happens the first time, it’s like everything else sort of falls away, seems less important, and you want to spend all your time with them and it doesn’t feel like too much. It always feels like not enough. And you put them before yourself. Their happiness, everything. And nothing really makes sense, there’s no why. Why doesn’t exist. You just do. You’d do anything for them. You’d die for them. There’s a warmth that radiates throughout your body even when you’re just thinking about them and you know they’re responsible for it. And you want to be a better person for them. You want to do better for them.” His words trail off. “I’m not explaining it right.”

  “What do you mean?” I ask.

  “Falling in love feels like exactly that. You’re falling. And it’s out of your control and there’s nothing you can do to stop it and you’re scared and you’re at peace and you want to laugh and cry and you want to reach for a lifeline but you’re pretty sure falling is the lifeline. You know nothing will ever be the same. And you’re just praying the other person feels the same way. You’re praying they’re going to take your heart and tuck it safely into their chest. Because that’s where it belongs now.” He rinses the soap from me and lets me rinse my hair.

  I think about his words for a little while. “How many times have you been in love?” I ask him.

  He presses his lips together. “Just twice,” he says.

  “So you’re pretty protective of yourself then,” I say.

  “Pretty much,” he says.

  Just twice. His wife and I wonder who else? I wonder who else captured his heart. I imagine for a moment it could be me even though I know bet
ter. Life is not that kind to me.

  We towel off in silence and get dressed. We grab some breakfast before we head out. He insists we take his car instead of the bus since he has one and so we get in and prepare ourselves for the ride.

  “So how come you don’t have a car for things like this at least?” he asks.

  “I just don’t see a point in it. Everything I need is so close, aside from my mother. I can just take the bus to her. No real reason to have one,” I say.

  “Fair enough,” he says.

  I’m surprised by his willingness to accept my answer rather than hound me with a ton of follow-up questions like most people. This is one of the things I like about Lucas. He doesn’t push. He just accepts information for what it is. “I like that you’re driving and I can just stare at you as much as I want,” I say playfully.

  He laughs at me. “Well, I am pretty good looking,” he boasts.

  “You’re okay. Almost as good looking as I am.”

  This is us in a nutshell. We like to play and tease. It’s easy. It’s fun. I’ve never experienced this before. As much as I’ve sought it out, this is the first time I’ve actually found it. Lucas makes it easy. He doesn’t know it but he makes it too easy. Because I think I’m falling and I don’t think there’s anything I can do about it now.

  23

  Lucas

  We head out of the city, northbound toward her mother, and I’m nervous. The last time I met a mother, it was when I got engaged. Not that I could tell her any of that. For all she knew, I’d met plenty of mothers, including my wife’s. Today probably isn’t the day to tell her the truth either. I didn’t know exactly why her mother wanted to talk to me anyway. Wanting to talk to me about Dani’s birthday seemed strange. I guess I’d find out.

  “So, is she going to threaten to kill me if I hurt you or something?” I ask.