Throwaway

by Heather Huffman

  Leaving the note probably cost her some of her lead time; if she hadn’t he might have wasted an hour or so looking for her. But she couldn’t bring herself to be that cruel to him, no matter how maddening he was.

  She dressed in jeans and one of Gabe’s flannel shirts. It was large enough on her she looked formless rather than pregnant. The added layer of a winter coat further disguised her current condition. If she did run across the wrong person, she didn’t want the pregnancy to be used against her or Gabe.

  The drive felt like it would never end—partially because she had to stop every hour to pee, partially because she was making herself crazy with second guesses and what ifs.

  Unsure of where else to start, Jessie began her search at the Washington University campus. If Harmony hadn’t gone home, Jessie didn’t want to startle her parents. Finding Harmony at school seemed her safest bet. While she had little hope of seeing Harmony there in the evening, Jessie wanted to get a feel for the campus layout. That, and the safest place to track Dan down would be at Nick’s after nine o’clock so she had some time to kill.

  After a fruitless tour of the Wash U parking lot, Jessie made a pass through Little Bosnia. It seemed the most likely place to find Vance and she was fairly certain no one there would recognize the Plymouth. She wasn’t sure what she’d do if she found Vance since showing her face on those streets would be too dangerous even by her standards.

  It was a moot point anyway and she found herself eating a late dinner at the Denny’s on Hampton while she waited to go to Nick’s. She’d purchased a Go phone for the sole purpose of having a number to give Dan should he say he had a way of contacting Vance. It was the second cell phone she’d ever owned and she hoped it fared better than her first.

  She tried deep breathing to sooth her jumbled nerves on the short drive from Denny’s to the Irish pub. It didn’t surprise her to see Gabe standing outside the bar, chatting easily to the uniformed officer at the door. Still, her stomach tightened just a bit.

  He recognized his car instantly. She parked in the lot across the street and watched him wrap up his conversation. She didn’t budge as he crossed the road or even after he leaned against the car and folded his arms across his chest. They stayed like that for a moment, regarding each other silently and deciding what to say next.

  Jessie finally took a deep breath and slid out of the car, leaning against the door in a pose similar to his. They still didn’t speak, but it was progress.

  “You really are determined to do this, aren’t you?” There was reluctant resignation on his face.

  “If you won’t let me go talk to Dan, I’ll grab a late dinner in Little Bosnia.”

  “You’re determined to kill me, aren’t you?”

  “Can we go inside now? I’m cold.”

  “Stay close to me, okay?”

  “Anyone we know inside?”

  “No, but this is a pretty popular spot. I don’t want to take any chances. Hey Jessie…”

  “Yeah?”

  He kissed her thoroughly, sparking a new kind of fire in her veins.

  “It’s been way too long since I’ve done that,” his breath still mingled with hers. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

  “I have to.”

  “Then let’s get it over with,” he took her hand in his and they crossed the street together.

  The hockey game was still on, so Dan hadn’t started playing yet. He was standing at the bar chatting with the bartender while he waited. Jessie grabbed them a table while Gabe went to get Dan’s attention. Jessie watched the two men greet each other warmly. Gabe seemed to be telling Dan something as they walked towards her. Jessie assumed from the look on Dan’s face he was being prepped to see a ghost.

  “Jessie-girl, as I live and breathe. You’re a sight for sore eyes, darlin’.”

  “I’ve missed you, Danny,” nostalgia washed over her at the sight of her old friend.

  “Are you doing okay? How’s life treating you these days?”

  “I’m good. How about you?”

  “Same as ever,” he looked from Jessie to Gabe and back again. “So you two ran off together? I didn’t believe it when the rumors started flowing about you and Spence.”

  “There are a couple of different stories out there,” Jessie told him. “Some people think I’m with Spence and others think I’m dead. It’s best that everyone believes whatever story is already in their head, you know?”

  “He got you in a big old mess, didn’t he?”

  “Yeah, well, things are okay now.”

  “Good, good. But I’m guessing you didn’t just come to reminisce,” Danny pinned her with his gaze.

  Gabe smiled, but let Jessie do the talking.

  “I need to get word to Vance. Last I heard he was working for the Bosnians. It’s kind of important. I can’t just stroll past Bevo Mill calling his name… I was hoping you would know how to get in touch with him.”

  “I haven’t seen Vance but once or twice since you left and he doesn’t stop to visit with anyone from Cherokee anymore.”

  “Is there anyone who could get a message to him? Do you know where Harmony is?”

  “Harmony moved on, too. I heard she’s still in school. Some people say she’s living at home, others say she’s on campus. Others say she left St. Louis altogether.”

  “If I give you my number, can you get it to Vance if you see him?”

  “Sure,” he promised, accepting the slip of paper she handed him. “Are you guys sticking around for the set?”

  “Wouldn’t miss it,” she smiled, leaning over the table to give him a quick kiss on the cheek.

  As always, Danny’s music wrapped itself around Jessie, completely saturating her senses. Gabe pulled her to him and she gladly curled against his side. With a grin and a twinkle in his eyes, Danny played their song for them and for a moment, all the world felt right.

  When Jessie could hardly keep her eyes open, they waved goodbye to Dan. It took some convincing for Gabe to let her drive the Plymouth; he was certain she’d fall asleep at the wheel. Eventually he caved and she followed him to a Drury Inn outside of the city limits. Jessie wasted no time before crawling under the covers once they were checked in.

  Gabe showered then stretched out on the bed beside her to watch television. It seemed so natural to use his chest as a pillow, one arm and one leg thrown over him as she slept. He was so incredibly solid. Did taking comfort in that make her weak, or simply human?

  Jessie wasn’t sure what woke her, but the moonlight streaming through the window assured her it was still the middle of the night. The television was off and Gabe’s breathing was even. She raised her head to find him awake and watching her.

  “Can’t sleep?” she propped herself up on an elbow.

  “I like watching you sleep.”

  Jessie didn’t know what to say to that. It unnerved her how completely he exposed his feelings to her.

  “What?”

  “You,” she smiled, kissing his stomach before looking back up at him. “You seemed so dark and mysterious when we first met. Turns out you’re just a big softy.”

  “That sounds manly.”

  “Sorry.”

  “Are you ever going to stop running from us?”

  “I’m here now aren’t I?” She rested her cheek on his chest, unwilling to look at him.

  “Only because I caught you,” he reminded her. “You’ll find some reason to slip out of my grasp again tomorrow.”

  “I love you Gabe. I really do,” she promised. “I’m just not ready to belong to anyone right now.”

  “How am I supposed to take that?” the pain was raw in his voice.

  “I belonged to the state; then I belonged to Spence. I’ve never just been Jessie. Hell, I don’t even know who she is. If I marry you, then I don’t get to figure that out before I become your wife and that’s who I am. I don’t want to be a frustrated soccer mom wishing her life away.”

  “And that’s the only future you se
e with me?”

  “That’s what marriage to anybody means to me. I’ve yet to see anything to convince me otherwise.”

  “Good to know,” his chuckle was derisive.

  “Why don’t we talk about this when we get home? Let’s concentrate on finding Harmony or Vance for now.”

  “And here I thought you’d be willing to go home tomorrow,” he teased, intentionally lightening the mood.

  “Fat chance,” she laughed. “We are going back to school in the morning.”

  “You think she knows where to find him?”

  “I’d be really surprised if not. Looking back, those two were always together. I think there was something going on with them and I was so wrapped up in you I just didn’t notice.”

  “I could see that,” he thought about her words for a minute. “Have you thought about the possibility that she’s involved in whatever Vance is? Maybe she’s not as innocent as she appears.”

  “I refuse to believe that,” Jessie shook her head. “She’s too smart for that. I’ll never forgive myself if she threw away a bright future over this mess. Please tell me you won’t arrest her if she did.”

  “Would you stop asking me to break the law?”

  “Sorry.”

  “My entire adult life has been focused on upholding the law, justice. When love failed me, when humanity failed me, I had justice. Please don’t ask me to walk away from that.”

  “Law and justice aren’t always the same thing,” Jessie pointed out quietly. “But you’re right. It’s not fair of me to ask that of you.”

  “We really are an oddly matched pair aren’t we?”

  “I’d like to think the differences complement each other,” Jessie shrugged lightly.

  “I know they do,” he maneuvered their position so he could kiss her. There was such sorrow in his kiss. She knew her hesitancy to marry was hurting him. She didn’t know how to bridge that gap between them.

  Words could never convey everything he made her feel. Words could not heal the wounds she’d given and they wouldn’t bind him to her. So she let her touch speak what words could not as she loved him the best way she knew how.

  Chapter Twenty

  Jessie pulled herself out of bed long before she was ready. Of course, Gabe had already brought their suitcases up and gone off again in search of food. She was proud to be showered and dressed by the time he returned.

  A large flannel shirt and jeans were the wardrobe for the day again. She felt fat and frumpy in her new garb, but it was ridiculously comfortable. Gabe didn’t seem to mind the new look. He swept her into a long good morning kiss before setting a baseball cap on her head to complete the ensemble.

  After a muffin and a glass of orange juice, they set off for the Wash U campus. This time they parked the red Jeep and strolled around the campus, enjoying the crisp winter day and hoping to luck into stumbling across some clue as to Harmony’s whereabouts.

  “I’m not sure if being here makes me feel smarter or dumber,” Jessie, in fact, felt very old wandering amongst so many fresh-faced youth. “Oh wow…”

  “What?”

  “I know that guy,” Jessie ducked her head against Gabe’s arm.

  “Do I want to know?”

  “Probably not,” she admitted. “Is he gone yet?”

  “Actually, he’s still standing there talking to a student,” Gabe seemed to be warring with amusement and irritation. “Hey, there she is.”

  He took off in the other direction, leaving her exposed. Before she could think to take off after him, her eyes met the professor’s. She could see him reaching back into his memory, trying to place the face. A smile tugged the corners of her mouth—how could she forget the erstwhile Shakespeare? Not many people showed up in 16th century costumes. He’d taken himself very seriously. She’d struggled not to giggle.

  She was once again struggling not to laugh as she darted to catch up to Gabe. She muttered an apology at his look of irritation, quickly turning her attention to catching up with Harmony.

  Jessie was tempted to call out to her, but something in her friend’s demeanor kept her from it. Harmony was walking with purpose and was headed away from the main campus. Gabe seemed inclined to agree with Jessie, and the pair quietly followed Harmony. They pulled back when she stopped at the Metrolink platform, turning towards the kiosk to buy tickets as she nervously scanned the area.

  When the sleek rail train pulled into the station, they boarded two doors down from her. To Jessie, it felt odd to be stalking her old roommate. But she couldn’t escape the warning bells tingling in the back of her brain that Harmony was acting like a person with something to hide.

  And there was also the fact that after Jessie had let them think she was dead, her friends might not welcome the sight of her. She looked up at Gabe, trying to read his expression. He glanced down and gave her a reassuring wink.

  Harmony got off the train at the riverfront; Jessie and Gabe followed as she boarded the Casino Queen. The place was fairly quiet, although the permanent haze of smoke still clung to the air from the night before. The mechanical song of the slot machines could be heard in the distance.

  “There’s our guy,” Gabe murmured to Jessie. “And there he goes. He saw me.”

  Gabe sped up, trying to cut Vance off at the pass. Jessie tried to keep up but was easily outdistanced by Gabe’s long legs and lack of baby bulk. It was obvious Vance hadn’t noticed her—his attention was zeroed in on Gabe.

  Jessie used that to her advantage and made a wide loop to intersect them both. Suddenly Vance was headed straight for her. Harmony followed with Gabe not far behind. She took her baseball cap off and called his name as he neared.

  He stopped short, focusing on her face as his brain tried to comprehend what he was seeing. His normally stoic expression now seemed just short of crying.

  “Oh wow,” Harmony skidded to a halt behind Vance.

  “Is there somewhere private we could go to talk?” Jessie put the baseball cap back on and tugged the bill down low.

  “My car’s out front,” Vance nodded slowly as if still unsure of the reality of the moment.

  The little group moved as one out to the parking lot. Gabe and Vance flanked Jessie, both recognizing the need to keep her from plain sight.

  Gabe gave Vance directions to their hotel. Otherwise, the ride was silent. It seemed best to wait until they could finish the conversation before starting it and no one had a clue where to start anyway.

  “So, ah, I’m not dead,” Jessie finally spoke as she sat on the edge of the bed in her hotel room. Vance’s eyebrows shot up. He stood facing her, arms crossed and leaning against the wall. Gabe stood close to Jessie, as if he wasn’t entirely ready to trust Vance. Harmony sat in a nearby chair, still staring openly at Jessie.

  “Why now?” Harmony asked. “Why didn’t you get in touch with us sooner?”

  “Because I was trying to stay out of sight and alive,” Jessie hoped her friend could understand that.

  “I got word that someone was eliminating anyone involved in Jessie’s death. She got worried about him,” Gabe nodded towards Vance. “I told her to stay put, but she’s a very stubborn woman. She insisted on making sure no one was doing anything stupid in her name.”

  “You shouldn’t have come back,” Vance shook his head. “If Aleksander finds out you’re alive, you’ll wish he hadn’t missed the first time.”

  “I don’t want to know if it’s you,” Jessie rose and went to him, placing her hands on his arms and meeting his eye. “Because if I know, then Gabe knows.”

  “And Gabe doesn’t want to arrest you,” Gabe interjected.

  “So why are you here?”

  “Because I wanted you to know I survived. I swam to shore and hitched a ride to the car Gabe had stashed for me. I have a new life. I’m happy and well cared for. Things turned out okay for me. I wanted you to know,” she repeated feebly, feeling stupid now that she was looking up at him.

  He closed his eyes for a sec
ond, trying to collect his emotions. When they opened again, they glistened with the sheen of tears. He kissed the top of her forehead and pulled her into a hug. The uncharacteristic display of affection threw Jessie for a loop, but she quickly recovered and wrapped her arms around his thick waist.

  “I’m so glad you are okay. But you were right all along. When I saw you disappear in that river I knew—if someone could do that to one person, they could do it to any person. The world is better off without monsters like that in it. And I was one of them for too long.”

  “Leave,” she commanded him, raising her head up to look in his eyes once more. “Leave the country. Go to some island with no extradition laws and live a long and happy life. I have money. I’ll pay for you to get there.”

  “I hope you’re keeping your money somewhere besides a mattress these days,” Vance teased. “And I appreciate the thought, but Harmony and I can’t just pick up and run. She’s brilliant, Jess. A mind like that shouldn’t be hiding on a remote island somewhere.”

  “I was hoping she was smart enough not to be mixed up in this,” Jessie frowned, stepping back so she could scowl at Harmony.

  “Don’t you look at me like that,” she threw her hands up defensively. “He’s right. Those men are monsters. Someone had to stop them.”

  “I’m not hearing this,” Gabe looked like he’d rather be anywhere but there. “Haven’t you people ever heard of the police? What ever happened to the idea of letting them do their job?”

  “Aleksander has at least one member of the STLPD on his payroll. I never caught a name, but I can promise you there’s at least one dirty cop in that precinct. That’s why Jessie wasn’t extracted before the raid. She was supposed to die in the melee. They planned to take out a lot of trash with that fiasco.”

  Jessie’s heart broke for Gabe in that instant. He looked like a man whose last sliver of faith had been destroyed as he sank to the bed Jessie had been sitting on. She instinctively met him there, curling up almost protectively against his back.