Undeniably You

by Jewel E. Ann

  “I hope not.”

  “So when’s your wedding?”

  “Soon. But it’s not going to be a redo wedding. I’m thinking justice of the peace.”

  “Dr. Dane okay with it?”

  “I haven’t brought it up, but—”

  “But you’ve had his balls wrapped around your fingers for years, so of course he’ll be okay with it.”

  “Nice, Ave.” I roll my eyes.

  “Gotta go. Give Ocean a big hug for me. I’ll call you after my wild weekend.”

  “Be careful.”

  “Yes, Mom.”

  For my own sanity I need to get things with Ocean and Lautner figured out. This weekend would be a perfect opportunity to discuss what we each expect so we know how to proceed when we meet with our attorneys. However, I’m not sure Dane is going to be too excited about spending another weekend with Lautner and Emma. I sure as hell am not looking forward to it.

  I call Dane.

  “Hey, honey.”

  “Hi, are you with a patient?”

  “Not at the moment. Why?”

  “Just seeing what you’d think about going to L.A. this weekend?”

  “I can’t go. We’re walking rescue dogs in the parade Saturday morning.”

  “Crap, that’s right. I forgot.”

  “But if you don’t mind going without me, then I think you should go. Avery’s probably dying to see Ocean.”

  “Uh … yeah, I’m sure.”

  “Go for it then.”

  I chew on the inside of my cheek, feeling like shit for not being honest with him. I’m not sure how he would feel about me taking Ocean to L.A. just to see Lautner. Dane said I shouldn’t go out of my way, that if Lautner wants to see Ocean, then he can drive his ass up to Palo Alto. Lying to Dane makes me feel like Lautner is my dirty little secret. But maybe after I get things set straight this weekend, I won’t feel so guilty.

  “I think I will go. Thanks, Dane.”

  “Bye, honey.”

  I text Lautner.

  We’ll drive down Friday morning. We need to talk. Send me your address.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  July 4th, 2013

  Just stopped for gas. We’ll be there in 10.

  Ocean wakes up from her car nap and needs to go pee, like … now! So I gas up the car while we’re here. We can’t check into our hotel until after three-thirty, so we’re going to Lautner’s first. I’m carrying a nice load of guilt with me on this trip. Avery’s not in L.A. but doesn’t know that I am. Dane thinks I’m visiting Avery, but I’m not. Lautner thinks I’m staying at Avery’s, but we’re actually staying at a hotel several miles from Lautner’s house. Oh, the web I’m weaving.

  We wind our way into the hills until we reach his house. Wow! It’s a gray two-story home set in a secluded urban oasis with a deck that appears to wrap around the entire house. I pull up into the steep drive, making sure to set my emergency brake.

  “We’re here, sweetie.”

  Lautner comes out the double French entry door with a million dollar smile. Ugh! He’s already making this hard on me. I can’t help staring at him in his cargo shorts and a snug grey T-shirt. He opens the back door.

  “Hey, there’s my girl!” He unfastens her and she clings to him with an eager smile.

  We walk toward the house.

  “Where’s Dane?”

  “He couldn’t come. His clinic volunteered to walk some shelter dogs in the parade.”

  We step inside to an open living room with a fireplace, stone floors, and walls of windows.

  “This is amazing!” I follow the windows around to the back and I’m greeted with the most spectacular panoramic view of Hollywood, including the sign off in the distance. “Must be rough waking up to this view every day.”

  He laughs, setting Ocean down. “It’s not too bad.”

  Ocean runs straight to the windows, smacking her hands on them.

  “Oh, sweetie, don’t put your hands on the clean glass.” I pull her back.

  Lautner squats down behind her and grabbing her hands, puts them back on the windows. “You can put your little hands here…” he moves them to a new spot “…or here…” he moves them again “…or anywhere you want. I’ll see your adorable hand prints and never want to wash them off.” He kisses her on her neck and she squirms with a giggle.

  “Your fiancée may not agree, and besides, you’re teaching her bad habits. By the way, where is Emma?”

  “Her mom had surgery on her foot so she’s in Hawaii with her for the weekend.”

  This is not good … not good at all.

  “Why didn’t you go with her?” I ask still mesmerized by the view.

  “On call, remember?”

  I nod.

  “Want to check out the back?” He gestures with his head.

  “Sure.”

  I was right. The deck wraps around the entire house with built-in bench seating.

  Stone stairs lead to a large square section of paving brick with a rustic outdoor chair and table set. Another set of stone stairs leads farther down to a gravel path.

  “Wow … I mean just … wow!” I shake my head.

  Lautner smiles. “Glad you like it.”

  “Where does the path lead?”

  “It winds down the hill a ways then works its way back up to the side of the house. Come on, I’ll show you.”

  He scoops up Ocean and carries her down the second set of steps which are fairly steep.

  “There you go.” He sets her down and she squats to pick up a rock. A few steps later she finds a stick.

  “This is her routine. When we take walks she spends the whole time in search of the next best rock and stick.”

  “What else does she like?”

  I know he’s trying to know her better, but I feel a pang of guilt that he’s missed out on the first two years of her life and I have to tell him about his own daughter.

  “She loves fruit, any kind of fruit, and yellow ponies. When I put her to bed at night we read Guess How Much I Love You?, and when she wakes in the morning she wants to cuddle on my lap for a good twenty minutes before breakfast. She hates spiders but is intrigued by snakes. I’ve bought her numerous soccer balls, but she insists on running with them like that other ‘football’ sport.”

  Lautner laughs, tilting his head back and resting his hand on his stomach. “I love it! She’s her daddy’s girl.”

  I shake my head with a goofy grin plastered on my face. Then I playfully shove him. “She’s her mommy’s girl. You should see her swim.”

  He nudges me with his elbow, giving me a sideways glance. “Always so competitive.”

  I roll my eyes. “You do realize how laughable that is coming from you?”

  “Stick.” Ocean turns around and stops, pointing her stick out, but not giving Lautner enough time to stop.

  “Ahh!” He stops with a slight grimace on his face, rubbing his hand over his … area.

  My eyes double in size. “Oh my gosh, are you okay?”

  He nods as a smile pulls at his lips. “She just nicked my sac is all.”

  I giggle. “Told ya she’s a mommy’s girl.”

  “No, she’s a daddy’s girl!” He scoops her up and sets her on his shoulders. “Should we race your mommy?”

  “Ra mommy!” Ocean squeals.

  Lautner takes off with her, and I try and catch up but I’m in flip-flops and he’s in tennis shoes, so it’s hardly a fair race. They’re already seated on the bench, looking all cool and casual by the time I make it to the top of the hill.

  “What took you so long?” He smirks.

  “Mommy!” Ocean cheers.

  “Cheaters,” I mumble, squinting my eyes at him.

  “What? I had an extra twenty pounds on my shoulders.”

  I shake my head and continue inside. “Water, I need water.”

  Lautner gets us water and sets out some cut up strawberries. Ocean’s eyes widen with delight.

  “Traberrries.” She
grabs for one.

  I tap the side of my glass. “You called her d.a.d.d.y’.s girl, and yes you are her d.a.d.d.y, but do you think it’s confusing for her to hear you refer to yourself as that?”

  He sighs and clenches his jaw then relaxes. “Does she call or think of someone else as her d.a.d.d.y?”

  I know who he means by someone and I see the possibility irritates him.

  “Dane and I haven’t been together very long … at least not in that way, so she calls him Dane.”

  “How long?” he’s looking at me, but I stay focused on Ocean and her strawberry-stained mouth.

  “Last November. I saw …” I stop myself.

  “What?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Not nothing, what did you see?” His strained voice has a hint of exasperation to it.

  I meet his eyes. “You,” I whisper.

  “Me?” He pulls his head back.

  I swallow and try to tell him like I’m talking about someone else … like I’m telling someone else’s story. A story that didn’t crush me.

  “I took Ocean to the park. The one where they fly the planes. She was carrying around her pink soccer ball…” I smile “…like a football.”

  He grins too.

  “Then I saw you. You were a ways away and your back was to me, but I knew it was you. It was the first time I used the word daddy in front of Ocean. I asked her if she wanted to meet her daddy. Something about the moment, the timing, felt like fate. Which says a lot, since I’m not a big believer in fate. We started to walk toward you then—”

  “You saw Emma,” he says.

  I nod. “I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. We even left her ball behind and she cried all the way home.”

  I did too, but he doesn’t need to know that.

  “I don’t know. It’s weird. I never wanted us to be together just because I got pregnant, but for the longest time there was this part of me that was … holding out for you.”

  I shrug, focusing my gaze on the Hollywood sign in the distance. “Anyway, it was that night I moved on. After two and a half years, I stopped holding out and moved on … with Dane”

  Lautner’s body is rigid, completely still. He’s looking at something on the floor beside him, or maybe he’s looking at nothing. I can’t tell if he’s confused, upset, or just thinking.

  “I think it’s someone’s nap time.”

  Ocean yawns.

  Lautner still doesn’t move.

  “So … mind if I take her upstairs and lay her down for a nap?”

  He nods … at least I think he does. It’s too slight to tell. I’m not sure what I said that has him in such a daze, but I decide to let him be.

  *

  There are two bedrooms upstairs. I choose the smaller one, assuming the larger with the king-sized bed is his or theirs. I have her go potty then we lie down and cuddle. Lautner’s odd reaction to my story frustrates me. What did I say that was so shocking?

  It’s been ten or so minutes and Ocean is out. I could go downstairs but I think Lautner needs time or space or something. Just as I decide to close my eyes, I feel the bed shift. Lautner is lying on the other side of Ocean, facing me. We stare at each other for a while. I wish I knew what he’s thinking.

  The pain in his eyes mixed with the silence that’s screaming something is too much. I ease off the bed and go downstairs to sit on the deck. There’s a light breeze and I close my eyes and focus on the air in my lungs and the sound of the leaves rustling on the trees. I hear the door open then shut with a soft click, but I don’t open my eyes.

  “I proposed to Emma that night.”

  Now I’m the one who cannot move or speak.

  “That’s how I know what you saw. We had a picnic in the park that afternoon, then I proposed to her that night after I took her to the symphony.”

  “Why are you telling me this?” I open my eyes, biting together my quivering lips.

  “Don’t you wonder what if—”

  “No!” I stand and rest my hands on the railing. “I don’t. There’s been a lot of what ifs that have eaten at me over the past three years, but that day is not one of them. If I would have introduced you to Ocean before Emma ran into your arms, you still would have proposed to her. You’re a good man, Lautner. You would never buy an engagement ring for someone you didn’t love. We were over and looking back the ‘fate’ part of the day was me finally realizing it.” I laugh, shaking my head. “It must be a photographer thing … ‘a picture’s worth a thousand words.’ It wasn’t like seeing some girl in a towel at your door. That day at the park was different. I saw you … in love.”

  He stands next to me and slides his hand over on mine. “I’m sorry.”

  Drawing in a shaky breath, I pull my hand away and wipe a few stray tears. “Don’t be sorry for finding someone and falling in love. I left you. I returned at the wrong time. I assumed you were with Claire. Hell, I was the one who got pregnant in the first place … probably missed a fucking pill or something.” I wipe a few more tears. “But I don’t regret Ocean, not for one moment. The crazy part is … of all the stupid choices I’ve made, she’s the one thing I did right.”

  “Sydney …”

  I sniffle and wipe my eyes. “I know … you’re sick of my tears. I’m so pathetic.”

  I head in the house and hurry up the stairs to check on Ocean. She’s still sleeping. Remembering I forgot to call Dane when we arrived, I start back down the stairs to get my phone from my purse.

  “Hey.” My breath catches rounding the landing, avoiding a near collision with Lautner coming up the stairs.

  His jaw is set, lips in a firm line, and eyes fixed on mine. “Don’t speak.”

  “Wha—”

  He palms the back of my head and smashes our lips together. His demanding tongue thrusts into my mouth. I moan into him while his other hand feathers down my neck and over my breast.

  “Lautner—” I protest, turning my head to the side.

  “Don’t. Speak!” He devours my neck with his desperate lips.

  I close my eyes and try to form a coherent thought as my nipples awaken under his touch. My knees go weak. He reaches out a hand behind me and lowers us to the stairs. I can’t resist him … he’s my drug. As his lips reclaim mine, my hands find his hair—clenching and tugging. His hands slide up my bare legs taking my sundress with them. I relax my legs, allowing his body to cradle into mine. We should stop and I know it, but his hands feel like they were made to touch me, his lips to kiss me. How can something so beautiful and perfect be wrong?

  “Mommy,” Ocean calls from the bedroom.

  Her voice, although the sweetest sound in the world, is a bucket of cold water poured over us. Lautner sits back on his knees. I hurry to pull my dress down and adjust the straps. We’re both breathless, lips swollen, speechless, and … fucking stupid.

  “Coming,” I yell and run up the stairs. “Hi, sweetie. Did you have a good nap?”

  She nods, rubbing her eyes. Sitting on the bed, I lift her on my lap, hugging her to me. “Mmm … who loves you?”

  “You wuv me.” She clings to my neck.

  Lautner may be my addiction, but Ocean is my cure for everything. When she’s in my arms everything magically makes sense again.

  “Daee.”

  I hold her back to see her face. “What did you say?”

  She smiles. “Daee.”

  “Daee what?” I wrinkle my brow, not understanding where this is coming from.

  “Daee.” She points to the door.

  Turning, I see Lautner leaning against the door frame with an I-just-won-the-lottery grin. I’m sure in his mind he just did.

  It’s official and bittersweet, she’s no longer solely mine.

  “Yes, sweetie. That’s your daddy.” I exhale and let the reality of the moment sink in.

  Lautner saunters in like he’s all that and opens the California blinds. “Took her less than two weeks to say my name. How long did it take her to say yours?”<
br />
  I roll my eyes and set her down. He picks her up and throws her in the air eliciting a high pitch shriek followed by a run of giggles. “You just stole my heart.” He hugs her and kisses her cheek.

  They both stole mine a long time ago.

  “I’ll be downstairs. I have to make a quick call.”

  He tosses her on the bed and tickles her. “We’ll be bonding.”

  The moment is bittersweet.

  *

  Dane doesn’t answer, so I leave a message.

  “Hey, sorry I didn’t call earlier. We made it here safely and I’ll try you later.”

  A dazzling flood of blue irises comes down the stairs as I drop my phone back in my purse.

  “Look!” Ocean holds up a football that’s about the size of her entire torso.

  “Sweetie, that’s not going to roll very well when you kick it.”

  “Ha ha! Your mom thinks she’s funny.” Lautner sets her down and she runs to the couch and flops on it while still hugging the ball.

  “Toudown!” She giggles.

  I raise my eyes at Lautner. “Someone’s expanding her vocabulary with a bunch of useless words.”

  “She’s going to need to know that when I take her to her first Stanford game this fall.” He flips on the TV and turns it to Dora.

  “Dora!” Ocean cheers, scooting back on the couch.

  “What should we do for dinner before fireworks?” He calls from the kitchen.

  I join him and sit at the table. “We need to check into our hote—I mean …”

  “What?” He shuts the refrigerator door. “Hotel? I thought you were staying with Avery.”

  I fiddle with my hair. “She’s in Vegas.”

  “You came to L.A. just for me?”

  “No … I mean, sort of. I thought we should talk.”

  “Well, you’re not staying at a hotel. No way. You’ll stay here.”

  He turns and opens the refrigerator again. I walk up behind him with my hands on my hips. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Pulling out a glass dish, he sets it on the counter and faces me. “Why not?”

  “Well for starters, because of what happened earlier.”

  A devious smirk pulls at his lips while he grabs a pot from the wood and wrought iron hanging pot and pan rack. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He dumps what looks like soup from the glass container into the pot.