Damned

by Bec Botefuhr

  “Just admit it Jax, admit she is easier than me.”

  “Maybe she is! Maybe it is easier to want her, all you do is fuck around and constantly question me.”

  I feel like he has slapped me. Hot tears course down my cheeks.

  “Well if that’s how you truly feel.” I whisper.

  “What do you want from me?” He roars. “What the fuck do you want? I cant win no matter what I do.”

  “What I want, what I have always wanted is your honesty Jax, and you couldn’t give it. You cant give it. If you didn’t want this, you should have said so. If you wanted her, you should have said so. All I ever wanted was for you to pull your god damned heart out of its cage and be fucking honest with me.”

  I screamed it so loudly; he took two steps back. I turn and begin running out.

  “You want my honesty? Here, it is. I love you, do you hear me? I am in love with you; you god damned stubborn woman!”

  I freeze; what?

  “I love you Jade. I have never loved anybody in my entire fucking life. I run because I am scared, because you are too damned good for me.”

  Slowly I turn; the whole room has fallen silent. “W-w-what?”

  “I fell in love with you the day you stumbled into my bar Jade, and I have loved you ever since. I have never stopped. I have unresolved issues with my wife, and I wont lie and say there is no emotion involved but my heart, my soul…it belongs to you.”

  My lip quivers and tears roar down my face. “You…you…love me?”

  “So much it fucking hurts.”

  I bound towards him and leap into his arms. My legs wrap around his waist, and he stumbles backwards a few steps. He kisses the tears from my cheeks, and our lips lock in a passionate kiss. Bella yelps from behind us and Jax turns, slowly releasing me.

  “Bella, I am sorry but my heart…”

  “You cant just do this Jax!” She weeps.

  “I don’t love you, you deserve someone who does.”

  “You care Jax, you said so.”

  “I do care about you, and we can talk…”

  I touch Jax’s arm, and he turns to look at me. “Can we talk a little?”

  “About?”

  “I think…she is right. I want to go back to shore for a few months Jax.”

  He tenses and I feel him flinch. “You are leaving me?”

  “No, I am not. I just want you to remain behind and sort out this issue with Bella. I need…” I swallow deeply. “I need recovery time. Please.”

  He looks pained but nods. “Anything you want, I will give.”

  “I cant be on here…on this ship right now. You have issues that really need to be dealt with, and I cant be around to watch them unfold.”

  “I want you Jade, that wont change.”

  “I believe you.” I whisper.

  He strokes my cheek. “You do?”

  “Yeah.”

  He turns back to Bella. “I will go over everything with you Bella, in due time. For now, I am going to spend time with my girl.”

  Tears pour down her cheeks, and I do feel a little bad. “I thought…you loved me Jax.”

  “You betrayed me Bella, you broke my heart, it is too hard to come back from.”

  “But…”

  “Not now.”

  He takes my hand and turns, leading me from the room. I look back to see Bellas distraught face once more, poor girl, I honestly do know how much it hurts. Jax takes me to his room and locks the door.

  “Where do you want to go?”

  I shrug weakly. “I just need time. I…Jax I saw so much on that ship.”

  “You wanna tell me about it?”

  I swallow and look down. “I know you ran with Bill, he showed me photos.”

  “Fuck.”

  “Why Jax? Why did you do it?”

  He sighs and runs his hands through his hair. “I was angry. My mother had left; my father was always busy. I thought it was the life I wanted, until I grew some sense. Running with Bill opened my eyes and I realized my father was so much better. I went back; my father beat the shit out of me for a full week and when he died, he left the ship to me.”

  “Bella said…”

  “What?” He snaps.

  “She said you killed…”

  “Fuck,” He hisses cutting me off. “She wasn’t pregnant Jade, it was a lie. It was part of the reason I left. I did beat her; she pushed me when I was turned and kept fighting me. I beat her so badly. I hate myself for that. She ran, and you know the rest. I know for a fact; there was no baby.”

  “Oh.”

  “Look, Bella and I had a sketchy past. You have to let it go. I have made my choice.”

  “What if…what if when I am gone, you work it out with her?”

  He sits beside me. “No, you are the only one I want. I don’t trust her Jade.”

  I nod weakly. “Bill…made me watch…made…”

  “Hey, take your time.” Jax soothes.

  “He made me watch his crew kill some men in…oh god…”

  “Shhh, come here.”

  Jax pulls me to his chest and strokes my hair. “I know what you must have seen baby girl, I am sorry.”

  “I just need to be away for a while, to gather myself. Is that ok with you?”

  “I don’t want you gone Jade, but I am not going to stop you.”

  “I don’t have anywhere to go.”

  “Yeah, you do. I will send you to my sister.”

  “Your sister?”

  “She is great Jade, she is a gentle woman and will take care of you.”

  I nod weakly. “I will miss you pirate.”

  He grins. “You too darlin. I will come back for you in a few months; I promise.”

  “Please do.”

  “I am going to ring Carol and organize it ok, lay down.”

  I lay down on the couch and listen as he rings his sister.

  “Hey Carol, its Jax.”

  I can hear her sobbing in the background.

  “Yeah, I am sorry. I missed you too.”

  Silence.

  “Listen, I want to know if I can drop someone off to you for a few months. I will pay for it all, but she got taken by Bill and…”

  Silence.

  “Yeah, it was terrible. She just needs time away. She is special to me mate; I love her.”

  Silence.

  “Yeah, she cracked me. Will you take her?”

  Silence.

  “Thanks so much. I will bring her in tomorrow. Bye Carol.”

  He hangs up and turns to me; I smile weakly up at him.

  “Say that some more.” I croak.

  “What?”

  “That you love me.”

  He grins and slides onto the couch next to me. “I love you.”

  I smile and kiss him softly. “Jax, are you going to be ok for a few months without…”

  “Sex?”

  I blush. “Yeah?”

  “I will live.”

  “You can drop by…and…I mean…” I am blushing.

  “Are you blushing Jade?” He teases.

  “You can come by, and I can…make it better.”

  He kisses me for a long, heated moment. “I might just do that.”

  “I have a sensational mouth.” I grin.

  “Do you now?”

  “MMMMMMM. Want a test?”

  He grins. “Give me a sample.”

  And so I do, numerous times before I leave the next day. I am not ready for sex, but I was sure to leave him a highly content man.

  CHAPTER 18

  A long three months pass before I get to see Jax again; we decided it was better to take the time and space to sort through everything. Carol took me in, taking care of me and allowing me to grieve and go through all my horrid emotions with her help. I didn’t know Carol, but we formed a special bond and she liked me from the minute I arrived. Over the months we have grown close, and she is becoming truly special to me. She looks just like Jax, with her long black hair and green eyes. S
he is a stunning woman with a warm heart.

  “Hey Jade, come check this out.” Carol calls from the kitchen.

  I plod out in my baggy pyjama pants and loose top. Sexy I know. She smiles at me, and I grin back.

  “What is it?”

  She points to the newspaper and I see a picture of my mother and father. I smile weakly.

  “Oh.”

  “Sorry love. I didn’t realize…”

  “No its ok, they look great.”

  “Your mother is extremely beautiful.”

  “Yeah, she sure is.”

  “I can only imagine what your real father looks like, to produce a child as pretty as you.”

  I grin and shove her. “Stop that.”

  “Hey do you want to order pizza tonight? Movies?”

  “Oh yeah!” I smile warmly.

  “Consider it done!”

  I think about my father then; I never did ring him after he left. I feel ashamed about that, so, picking up my phone I dial his number. He answers on the second ring.

  “Jade?”

  “Hi dad.”

  “Oh, I have been worried about you. How are you baby girl?”

  I love that he calls me that. I know over time; I will love him just as much.

  “I am ok.” I say quietly.

  “You don’t sound it?”

  I tell him about what happened with Bill. He falls silent for a long moment.

  “Oh sweetheart, are you ok?”

  “I am getting better, Carol has been great.”

  “How is Jax?”

  “I have not heard from him.” I whisper, missing Jax like crazy.

  “Oh, is all ok between you two?”

  “I think so, we are just taking some time.”

  “I hope it works out.”

  “Thanks dad, hey listen I have to go. I will call again soon; I promise.”

  “Thanks for the call, see you baby girl.”

  “Bye dad.”

  I hang up and walk into the lounge room. Carol is preparing the fresh pizza. I moan, mmmm, it smells divine. We put the disc in the DVD player and settle on the couch giggling and laughing at the movie.

  “This is a sight a man likes to see.” Comes a voice from behind us.

  I scream and leap off the couch. I turn and there he is, my man in all his six foot glory. I stumble forward and throw myself into his arms. He falls back into the bench as I wrap my legs around him and hold him tightly.

  “Oh Jax!”

  “How you doin, gorgeous?”

  “Oh I missed you.”

  “Ditto baby, ditto.”

  He pulls back and kisses me deeply. Carol stands and smiles.

  “Hey Jax.”

  “Hey sis.”

  He puts me down and hugs her. I rush to Rusty and Jack, giving them both a very energetic hug. They laugh and hug me tightly.

  “How you doing, sweetheart?” Jack asks.

  “Oh, I am wonderful now!”

  I grin at Jax, and he winks at me.

  “How you doing baby girl?”

  I blush. “Better, much better. Your sister is amazing.”

  “She is.” Jax smiles at Carol and she flushes.

  “I should go get changed.” I whisper, looking down at my baggy clothes.

  Jax’s gaze becomes hungry. “I might just help you with that.”

  I turn, and he follows me into the room, when the door is closed I grip his shirt and drag him in.

  “Hungry, baby?”

  “Starving.” I purr, falling into his arms.

  We tumble back onto the bed, all lips and tongues. He slowly removes my clothes then his own and takes his time kissing every part of me, gently, soothingly. I trust Jax; I know he is not Bill and my body seems to know it too. I have missed him far too much to care anyway. Slowly, I respond to his kisses, and I let out a small moan. He pushes me down on the bed and slides his mouth down my body. I freeze when he comes to my heated flesh. Its ok, its just Jax.

  “Want me to stop?” He asks, looking up at me.

  “N-no.”

  He gently slides his fingers in and strokes slowly. Oh, crap. I tremble, but it is not in a bad way. I feel good, maybe not as hot as I should but good. I lay back and enjoy the feeling of Jax’s fingers sliding over me, when his mouth takes their place I groan. Oh god. I moan and tremble as a release shatters me. Jax slides up over me, taking himself and slowly pressing between my legs. I freeze, and he halts immediately.

  “Hey, look at me.”

  I look up at him; my eyes are glassy with unshed tears. He is not Bill. I have worked through this.

  “I would never hurt you, it’s me baby, it’s me.”

  I nod and close my eyes as he takes my face in his hands and kisses me gently while sliding further into me. I whimper when he begins to move, his lips don’t leave mine, and he handles me with such care. I feel nothing but love radiating from him. I moan into his mouth as he slowly makes love to me; I am overwhelmed with feelings. He never stops the gentle pace; we are both panting and moaning, kissing and touching. I come first, whimpering his name as he slowly releases himself inside me with a ragged cry.

  “God, I have missed that. Missed you.” I whisper.

  He rolls off me and pulls me into his arms. “You have no idea how hard the last few months have been. It took every strength inside me to stay away.”

  “It was hard, not even talking with you.”

  “I know, but it was for the best. I know where I want to be now; I have no doubt in my mind.”

  I smile and kiss his hot lips. “Ditto Mr Watts.”

  “I decided to start looking for the island, so I came back to get you.”

  Oh no. How do I tell him I am not ready to go back yet? I am just getting through the trauma.

  “Jax…I am not ready to go back yet.”

  He pulls back and looks down at me. “You’re not?”

  “No please, can I have a little more time…after Bill…I am getting better slowly, but I am not quite ready.”

  “I understand darlin, I do. How long do you need?”

  “I don’t know, a month or two?”

  “I hate…hate to leave you but if you need time…”

  “Go,” I croak. “I have gone three months without you.”

  “Are you hurting?” He asks, his eyes piercing through mine.

  “I don’t want to be without you again, but I can’t go Jax, not right now.”

  “It’s ok, I will come backwards and forwards. I won’t leave you for three months straight again; I just wanted you to have some time. I fucking missed you Jade, god damn I missed you.”

  “Did you…fuck her Jax?”

  “No.” He says quickly. I hope he is not lying.

  I nod into his chest and breathe in his scent. “Ok.”

  “Are you sure you don’t want to come with me?”

  “I need this Jax, I just need time. Promise you won’t just leave me?”

  “Never.”

  “You will come back?”

  “I swear to god I will come back, and I will ring you every day unless I am unable to.”

  “Jax, are we…”

  “You’re my girl. I wont leave.”

  “I will miss you.”

  “Ditto gorgeous.”

  “I love you Jax, I…wish you didn’t have to go.”

  “If you really don’t want me to, I will stay.”

  “No, you need to find that island. You deserve to. I will be ok…”

  He kisses me again, softly. “You are a strong girl, darlin.”

  “I don’t know about that.”

  “I do, that slap you gave me before you left…”

  I giggle, and he grins at me. “I missed that sound.”

  “I missed you.”

  “MMMMMMM, let me make love to you again.”

  “Again?”

  “Again.” He whispers into my mouth as it closes over mine for another kiss.

  Jax makes love to me four more times
during the night until we fall into an exhausted sleep. I wake in the morning to his arm draped over my body. I shift, and he kisses the back of my neck.

  “Morning.” He murmurs into my hair.

  “MMMMM, morning.”

  “Did you sleep well?”

  “With your hot hot body all over me, of course.” I giggle.

  He rolls me over and kisses me deeply. “I have to go this morning baby.”

  I feel my lip tremble. “I know.”

  “I will come back every few weeks.”

  “What if…something happens to you.”

  “Baby girl, nothing will happen to me. I have survived this long.”

  I close my eyes to control my emotions. “I know.”

  “I will be fine.”

  “Before you go…want a shower?”

  He grins. “Do I what?”

  We shower and make love twice more before he announces that he has to go. I cling to him, not wanting to let him go. I inhale his scent, remember the feel of his hot skin, his delicious lips. He kisses me long and hard, pulling away and sucking in a deep, pained breath.

  “God Dammit, it is not meant to be so hard.” He whispers, kissing me again.

  “Just go, before I tie you up and make you stay.”

  He fists my hair and leans his forehead against mine. “You and me kid, forever.”

  “Forever.” I whisper.

  I watch him go, and Carol holds me tightly. I sob into her arms for another hour or so until finally I have no tears left. I know it is better now; we have worked things out and he will come back. I just cant help but feel the intense loss as he walks away. He is everything to me; he has become my world and without him, I have nothing. I love him; I have come to realize that so strongly being apart from him. I send a silent prayer up to the heavens, that he stays safe.

  My prayers are not answered. One friday night about four weeks later, I have come home from my appointment with my psych to find Jack sitting on Carols porch. Joy fills me until I see his expression, his reddened eyes, his pale skin. Something is wrong, terribly wrong. I walk up slowly; it is then I notice Carol is sobbing quietly. No…please. Jack stands, walking towards me. When we reach one another, he puts his hand on my shoulder.

  “Sweetheart, sit down.”

  “No.” I whisper.

  “Something…happened two days ago.”

  “Jack please…no.”

  “We were out looking for the island and…Bill caught up with us. A battle erupted but…but…Jax did not see him coming; he just shot him…his body fell overboard. We searched for days and days but…he is gone darling. Jax is dead.”