Learning to Breathe

by J. C. McClean

  (4) Florence + the Machine – What the Water Gave Me (I believe that this is about nature and how powerful water can be – like how it can cause tragedies but more importantly, how it also allows us to be free)

  (5) Lifehouse – Out of Breath

  (6) Snow Patrol – What If This Storm Ends?

  (7) Matchbox 20 – Bent

  (8) Lifehouse – Stanley Climbfall (Stand, Climb and Fall – need I say more?)

  (9) Snow Patrol – This Isn’t Everything You Are

  (10) Switchfoot – Learning to Breathe (Probably my favourite song here – I like to think it’s about new beginnings …)

  So there you have it … listen, learn and most importantly believe in yourself!

  By the time I read to the end, I was seriously dumbfounded by the effort Danny had gone to make the CD. I listened to it the whole way through before I decided to text him.

  ‘Thanx 4 CD – songs r gr8 :)’

  A few seconds later and my phone buzzed with a reply:

  ‘No prob. C u 2moro ;)’

  I smiled and found myself oddly looking forward to tomorrow’s lesson. However, I didn’t have time to dwell on why exactly since my mother came home with a Chinese takeout and I was that hungry I forgot all about swimming.

  Dinner was quite awkward as I was still mad at my mother for forcing me to do swimming. Even though I was successfully starting to face my fears, I didn’t feel the need to share this fact with my mother so I sat through dinner trying to contend with my mother’s small talk.

  She had hinted at wanting to know how my lessons were coming along but I merely looked at her and mumbled that they were fine. After sensing my reluctance to talk about them, she changed the subject. I did feel bad about treating my mother this way but my anger always seemed to take over when I thought of how she had betrayed me.

  So, when I finished my dinner, I decided to curl up on the sofa with a DVD when I got a text from Harriet.

  ‘Wanna hav DVD fest @ mine?’

  I smiled and decided to agree since I hadn’t talked to Harriet nearly all week.

  ‘Sure c u in 10.’

  I grabbed a bag of crisps and some Diet Cokes that I found lurking in the cupboard and made my way to Harriet’s.

  When she answered the door, I didn’t even get a ‘hello’ instead she started bombarding me with questions.

  “Where the hell have you been all week? What was the whole interrogation thing about Danny on Tuesday night? Are you guys a couple yet or what? What’s going on?”

  I sighed heavily as I flopped down on the couch beside her. “Please, one question at a time!”

  Harriet grinned. “Okay I’ll go with ‘Are you guys a couple?’ first.”

  I shook my head. “No, he’s just helping me out with some stuff.”

  “You gotta give me more than that!” Harriet insisted, frowning at me in disappointment.

  Rolling my eyes, I shook my head wearily. “Fine! He’s teaching me how to swim.”

  Harriet looked confused. “Is that all?”

  I nodded my head. “He’s giving me private lessons – that’s it. Sorry to disappoint you but my life isn’t as exciting as you think.”

  I decided to omit the part about Danny making me a CD since I had a funny feeling that Harriet would read into it way too much.

  “No.” Harriet shook her head. “There’s bound to be something else to it. Why can’t you swim anyway?”

  “I just never learned.” I told her simply, thinking it was best not to go into the finer details with her.

  Harriet looked disheartened. “So really – nothing happened between you two?”

  I shrugged. “Sorry but no.”

  “But don’t you find him attractive? I mean come on; the guy is practically just 6ft4 of total hotness!” Harriet looked at me like I was crazy.

  I wasn’t sure how to answer but I had to say something.

  “Um, he’s okay I guess … I hadn’t really noticed though.” I added even though the sudden blush on my cheeks betrayed my statement.

  Harriet grinned in a knowing way. “Yeah right. You’re as red as a tomato! You like him, don’t you?”

  “I don’t know!” I replied truthfully – I was still figuring out how I felt about Danny and honestly didn’t know if I liked him in that way.

  “Hmm.” Harriet studied my face intently. “I think you do but you just don’t know it yet.”

  I shrugged. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter anyway because I don’t date and don’t intend to.”

  “And why is that again?” Harriet asked curiously.

  “It’s … I just don’t date.” I told her firmly, making it obvious that the subject was now closed.

  She took the hint. “Okay, I give up! So, what DVD do you wanna watch?”

  Chapter Fifteen

  After a rare nightmare-free sleep, I got up on Saturday morning feeling unusually energetic. I was feeling strangely optimistic about my day ahead and my swimming lesson with Danny but I didn’t know why. Nevertheless, I decided not to read too much into it and instead focused on making some pancakes for breakfast.

  It wasn’t going too well, my mind kept drifting back to last night’s conversation with Harriet and I found myself wondering if she had a point – did I like Danny? I liked spending time with him but that didn’t necessarily mean that I liked him more than a friend – did it?

  I sighed and added blueberries to my pancake batter before forcing myself to think about something else. I flipped two pancakes and tried to decide on what to do before I had to go and meet Danny after lunch. However, just as I was about to sit down and eat my breakfast, my phone buzzed.

  Lifting it from the worktop, I glanced at the screen and found that I had a message from Harriet.

  ‘Nd 2 hit da shops? Party 2nite @ Samuel’s house - u in?’

  I didn’t know what to do so I decided to play for time.

  ‘In 4 wat? Party, shops or both?’ I replied.

  A few seconds and my phone buzzed again.

  ‘Both! Pls say yes!’

  I shook my head and laughed before replying.

  ‘Ok c u in 10.’

  After quickly devouring my pancakes, I changed at lightning speed and was out the door just as Harriet was making her way to her car.

  “Hey.” she smiled. “You looking forward to tonight?”

  I shrugged as I slid into the passenger seat. “Yeah, I guess. Who’s going?”

  “Everyone – Samuel just organised it at the last minute since his parents out of town for the night. You didn’t have plans already did you?” She threw me a sly look as she started the car and I knew what she was getting at.

  I laughed and shook my head. “No, I didn’t. So how long do you think we’ll be?”

  “Why?” Harriet looked at me curiously as she pulled out into the road.

  “I have another swimming lesson with Danny if you must know.” I admitted, trying my best not to look too happy about it because I knew that Harriet would get carried away.

  “Ooh!” she exclaimed excitedly. “Another one? What time?”

  I rolled my eyes. “After lunch … and it’s not that exciting – trust me!”

  Harriet giggled. “Yeah yeah … Well you do know he’s going to the party tonight, don’t you?” She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

  “Yeah, okay … so what?” I shot back at her, challenging her not to make a big deal out of it.

  “So what? So what? Are you serious?” she shrieked. “This is your chance to make a move!”

  I started laughing hysterically. “Make a move? How many times do I have to tell you that I don’t date? Seriously Harriet, that’s the last thing on my mind right now.”

  She ignored my protestations and proceeded to plough on.

  “Ooh we’re gonna have to get you something super-hot to wear tonight and then I’ll give you some tips on flirting.”

  “Hey!” I interrupted crossly, frowning at her. “I don’t want to make a move on a
nyone tonight!”

  Harriet waved off my statement as she pulled into the town car park. “Whatever. I’m still gonna help you pick out something to wear though. Come on!”

  She quickly leapt out of the car and I unwillingly followed suit, knowing that I didn’t dare argue with her.

  “No!” I protested. “I’m not wearing this tonight and that’s that!”

  Harriet sighed heavily and pouted at me. “Please Darcie, you look amazing!”

  I glared at her. “It’s way too revealing and don’t even get me started on how tight it is!”

  Harriet scowled at me as I glanced back in the mirror again. She had forced me into an extremely short – not to mention low-cut – dress that left very little to the imagination.

  I shook my head. “No Harriet, I can’t. It’s just not me, sorry.”

  She shrugged her shoulders in defeat. “Fine but wait here, there’s another outfit I wanna try.”

  She scurried off while I struggled to peel off the dress.

  A few minutes later and I could breathe again. I patiently waited for Harriet to come back and idly wondered what she was going to force me into next.

  Suddenly, she whipped back the curtain and threw a pair of jeans and two different tops at me.

  “Here, try these.”

  I sighed heavily and pulled on the jeans with a little difficulty; I knew they were skinny jeans but these ones were surprisingly tight. However, once I buttoned them up and looked in the mirror, they actually looked pretty cool. I turned to the tops next; one was a dressy camisole with a funky pattern and the other was a short-sleeved wrap-over shirt that looked very low-cut.

  I opted for the camisole first and flung back the curtain. “Well, yes or no?”

  Harriet looked at me critically. “Yes to the jeans but no to the top. Try the other one.”

  I quickly changed into the shirt and threw back the curtain without looking in the mirror first.

  Harriet stared at me for a few seconds before she wolf-whistled. “My work here is done – you look gorgeous!”

  I slowly turned to look at my reflection and was very surprised – I looked good but I still looked like myself so I was relieved at that. The shirt wasn’t as low-cut as it looked and the whole outfit was very flattering.

  “Hmm, it’s not as bad as I thought. What shoes though?” I looked back at Harriet for advice.

  She looked me up and down for a few seconds. “Have you got any navy pumps?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, but they’re not really dressy.”

  Harriet nodded. “Don’t worry, the outfit is dressy enough so casual shoes would look better.”

  I smiled at her, quickly changed and exited the changing room where I found Harriet holding the dress I had tried on.

  “Hey, you do know you’re not gonna convince me to buy that, right?” I told her firmly.

  Harriet chuckled. “I know but I think I might get it to wear tonight.”

  “You should. It’ll look better on you anyway. Let’s go.” I threw her a smile before we queued up at the tills.

  Harriet dropped me off at the leisure just before 1.30pm. We had had an early lunch and then went home to compare outfits for tonight. After much deliberation, I finally agreed to let Harriet help do my hair and make-up. It was just easier to agree otherwise Harriet would have tortured me until I gave in.

  When everything about tonight was decided, Harriet offered to give me a lift to the leisure centre which I had accepted since I didn’t fancy having to catch the bus. I walked into the centre and made my way to the changing rooms.

  I quickly changed into my swimsuit and went to meet Danny at the pool. It didn’t take me long to find him already swimming laps. It also appeared that we were the only two in the pool area which I found odd for a Saturday afternoon.

  However, I was momentarily distracted from my thoughts when Danny splashed me from the side of the pool.

  “Hey Gilmore! You just gonna stand there?” he yelled while flashing me that killer lopsided grin.

  I rolled my eyes and climbed down the steps into the water.

  “Where is everyone?” I asked curiously.

  Danny looked puzzled. “What do you mean?”

  I threw him a questioning look. “Um it’s a Saturday afternoon, shouldn’t this place be crawling with kids or something?”

  Danny chuckled. “Yeah … only they’re in the other pool … with the other instructor.”

  “Oh.” I said in surprise – I had forgotten that there was another pool. “How’d we get this one to ourselves though?”

  “I have my ways.” Danny smirked as I shook my head in disbelief.

  “Nah,” he continued. “This one’s always empty on a Saturday but it also helps that Mr Deacon lets me practice here every week.”

  I nodded and took a few deep breaths. “So, what am I learning today?”

  Danny grinned. “Oh the fun starts today …” he told me cryptically.

  Oh, what have I let myself in for?

  An hour later and I felt like a failure. It was like I had taken two giant steps back and couldn’t find a way to move forward. It was turning out to be a bad lesson … a very bad lesson. When Danny wanted me to practice the breathing techniques that I had been learning, I found myself freaking out – big time.

  The flashbacks hit me hard and I pleaded with Danny to let me give up for the rest of the lesson but he refused. He reminded me that it wasn’t going to be easy and that I had agreed to do this. I couldn’t argue with that so I had no choice but to stick at it.

  “Darcie,” Danny began patiently. “Is there anything that you can think of that would distract you from thinking about this too much?”

  I glared at him. “Like what?”

  I was fed up and wanted to get out but I knew that I couldn’t since I was the one who had begged Danny to help me.

  “Like something you associate with being happy or something.” Danny suggested, looking at me carefully.

  I shrugged. “I don’t know …” I couldn’t think of anything but my past and the flashbacks – happy thoughts were the last thing on my mind.

  Danny looked thoughtful for a second and then smiled. “I think I’ve got it! Wait here.” He pulled himself up out of the pool and quickly hurried to get something out of the office next door.

  He returned with an iPod dock along with his iPod and smiled at me excitedly.

  “Okay, let’s forget about the breathing techniques for a second. Now, you liked the CD I made you, right?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, it was great but what does this have to do with anything?”

  Danny chuckled. “Remember I told you that it was to help with your swimming?”

  I nodded my head but didn’t say anything, willing him to continue on.

  He grinned. “Okay, well I think music is the key here.”

  “Okay …” I glanced at him unsurely.

  “I think we need something to pump you up – get the adrenaline going! The mix I made you helps you to relax and to control your breathing after your lesson is over but now we need the opposite.”

  He threw me that adorable crooked smile as he set up the dock and plugged in his iPod. Suddenly, Kasabian’s ‘Underdog’ blared to life.

  “Okay!” he shouted over the loud guitar intro. “Let’s try something else!”

  I shook my head but I couldn’t help the little smile that slipped out; this would be interesting.

  Chapter Sixteen

  It was almost four o’clock before we were finally leaving the pool. The lesson had significantly progressed after Danny had put on the music. He had told me to focus on nothing but the beat and the movements of my arms and legs. Surprisingly, I had found that this kept me from freaking out. The flashbacks didn’t disappear but they became less frequent when I focused properly.

  I was really pleased that I had made a little improvement today and I felt quite optimistic about my future lessons now that Danny had figured out that the music helped.<
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  “So,” Danny began as we made our way over to his car. “You going to the party tonight?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, Harriet’s insisting that I go.”

  Danny chuckled. “Yeah, you don’t argue with Harri! Do you need a ride over?”

  “Um,” I hesitated slightly, unsure of what to do before I reluctantly nodded. “Yeah, that’d be great.”

  We got into the car and Danny smiled over at me as he started the car and turned on the radio. The Temper Trap’s ‘Sweet Disposition’ played in the background as he pulled out into the road and I found myself staring at him, wondering why I had accepted his lift for tonight.

  As much as I hated to admit it, I liked spending time with Danny but I was also afraid of him trying to pry into my past again. I knew that with all the time we would be spending with each other, he was bound to ask about it again sooner or later and that terrified me.

  I watched as Danny threw me a worried glance. “You okay?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, just thinking about when I’m free for another lesson.”

  Danny looked at me as if he knew I wasn’t being truthful but he didn’t question me, instead he grinned. “You’re actually eager to do it again?”

  I laughed. “Yeah, big shocker, I know.”

  Danny shook his head. “Miracles will never cease! Um, what about Monday after you finish up with the Youth Club?”

  I nodded. “Sure, I’m usually done by five, is that okay?”

  “Yeah, that’s fine.” Danny replied as he pulled up outside my house.

  “I guess I’ll see you later.” I told him as I got out of the car.

  He nodded. “I’ll text you when I’m on my way to pick you up.”

  I smiled and waved him off before rushing into the house to start cooking dinner.

  My mother arrived home an hour later and threw me a suspicious glance when she noticed that I was making dinner.