Learning to Breathe

by J. C. McClean

  “Shouldn’t you be avoiding me?” she shot at me.

  I shrugged. “I’m still not happy with what you did but it doesn’t mean we can’t talk to each other.”

  My mother looked wary. “Okay … what’re you looking?”

  “Nothing!” I protested. “I just haven’t seen you much this week.”

  She nodded. “I’ve been working a lot. Any plans for tonight?”

  “Yeah, there’s a party later, Harriet wanted me to go.”

  My mother nodded. “That’s good … I’m glad you’ve made some friends here.”

  I merely nodded at her and dished out the dinner.

  “So,” my mother began after a few mouthfuls. “Have you made any other friends?”

  I shrugged. “A few.”

  My mother paused for a moment before speaking again. “Good for you … Dr Kendrick did say that it was important for you to socialise more …” She trailed off at the sound of my fork hitting the plate.

  “Why are you talking about Dr Kendrick?” I enquired abruptly; an overwhelming sense of fear was beginning to descend upon me – I didn’t like to think back on my time with her.

  My mother glanced at me. “Relax Darcie, I’m not gonna ship you off to see her. I just … I’m just relieved that you finally seem able to start accepting everything that happened.”

  Oh if only you knew how wrong you are!

  Little did my mother know that I felt like I would never be able to accept what had happened – I didn’t even know if it was possible. I certainly didn’t feel like I would ever be the person I had been ten months ago. Nevertheless, I smiled at her and pretended to agree with her.

  She didn’t say anything else during dinner but I could still see her throwing me thoughtful glances every now and then. When I caught her doing this a few times, I smiled at her reassuringly but on the inside, I was freaking out. What if she was thinking about contacting Dr Kendrick again? I really didn’t think I’d be able to cope with having to see her again.

  Sighing heavily, I pushed those thoughts away and finished my dinner before going upstairs to get ready for the party.

  “Ooh,” Harriet teased. “I can’t believe you’re going with Danny tonight!”

  I shook my head at her. “It’s not a big deal – trust me. I don’t know why you’re so obsessed with getting us together anyway.”

  Harriet poked me with the comb she was using to style my hair. “I’m not obsessed … I’m merely curious about why you both refuse to see what’s right in front of you!”

  I struggled not to roll my eyes. “Whatever.”

  Harriet frowned at me but didn’t say anything else. Instead, she focused on curling my hair and then went on to do my make-up.

  Finally, half an hour later and Harriet was finished.

  “Ta da!” she exclaimed as she pushed me in front of the mirror on her wardrobe door.

  I saw a very surprised girl looking back. Harriet had curled my hair into soft waves giving me that beach-head sort of look and I was pleased to see that she had obeyed my rule of minimal make-up. I turned back to Harriet and smiled.

  “You like?” she asked, a smirk playing on her lips.

  I nodded. “Yeah. Thanks for going to all this trouble.”

  Harriet smiled slyly. “It was no problem … I just hope my hard work doesn’t go to waste …” She trailed off cryptically and I knew she was referring to Danny again.

  I chose to ignore her and was saved from any further comments when my phone bleeped.

  It was a message from Danny: ‘B @ urs in 10’

  I replied that that was okay and left Harriet to finish getting ready.

  Danny arrived at my house on time and looked me up and down as I got into the car.

  “Whit woo, look at you!” he quipped with a smirk.

  I rolled my eyes. “You do know that rhymed, right?”

  He grinned. “I’m a poet and I know it!”

  I laughed. “Okay Shakespeare, let’s go before you burst into song.”

  Danny chuckled but didn’t say anything else as he pulled out onto the road.

  We arrived at the party just before 8pm. As we made our way over to Samuel’s house, I subtly looked Danny up and down – he was wearing a charcoal grey shirt with dark jeans and grey Converse – he looked good.

  I quickly averted my eyes when he glanced at me curiously and instead focused on following the faint strains of Two Door Cinema Club’s ‘This Is The Life’ as we made our way up to Samuel’s front door.

  There were a lot of people already inside, wandering about with drinks in their hands and laughing and joking about. A quick scan of the room revealed that Harriet had yet to arrive.

  I glanced over at Danny who smiled crookedly and leaned to shout into my ear, “You wanna get something to drink?”

  I nodded and followed Danny through the crowd until we reached the kitchen and found Samuel lining up the counter with various bottles.

  He quickly spotted us and made his way over.

  “Danny! Darcie! Glad you guys could come. Have you seen Harri yet?”

  I shook my head. “She was still getting ready when I left but I’m sure she’ll be here soon.”

  Samuel rolled his eyes. “Typical! I’m gonna phone her and tell her to get a move on … you guys just help yourselves.”

  Danny nodded and grabbed two empty paper cups, he glanced at me. “What’ll it be?”

  I inspected the bottles and decided to take something alcoholic – after the conversation with my mother earlier, I felt like I needed something to take the edge off. I figured that one drink couldn’t hurt – and if it meant that I would stop thinking about my time with Dr Kendrick – well that would be a definite bonus.

  “Um, vodka and Coke.” It wasn’t my preferred drink but since they didn’t have any cider, it would have to do.

  Danny threw me a curious look but didn’t say anything. Instead, he concentrated on pouring me out a small measure and topped it off with Coke and ice.

  “Try that.”

  I took a sip and was glad that it wasn’t too strong. “Perfect, thanks.”

  He then filled up his own cup with just Coke and ice and smiled at me as he leant against the counter. “So, have you fully recovered from our lesson?”

  I glanced up at him. “No, that’s why I needed the booze!” I joked while shaking my cup at him.

  Danny smirked. “I didn’t think I was that bad of a teacher.”

  I shook my head. “Nah, you’re a good teacher – I’m just a little sore though.”

  Danny nodded. “Yeah but it’ll be worth it in the end.”

  I rolled my eyes and took another sip of my drink. “So I keep telling myself!”

  “Well you’re doing really well.” Danny insisted. “I mean it, you’ve achieved a lot for a person with such a deep-seated phobia.”

  I threw him an ambiguous look and decided to change the subject. “So, I wonder if Harriet’s here yet?”

  Chapter Seventeen

  It was now 11pm and the party was in full swing. Harriet had finally turned up two hours ago and everyone seemed to be having a good time. I, on the other hand, was still dwelling on the conversation I had had with my mother earlier. I told myself not to overreact but I was still scared that she would want me to see Dr Kendrick again.

  Then there was Danny who insisted on talking about our swimming lessons no matter how much I changed the subject – I had a feeling that he was doing so in a bid to get me to talk about my past. And then Harriet added to the mix by throwing me meaningful glances and nodding to Danny. I was so overwhelmed by everything that I kept knocking back drinks in a bid to block everything out – it wasn’t helping.

  “Darcie, are you okay?” came Danny’s voice suddenly and I glanced up at him.

  “I’m fine!” I said, dragging out the ‘e’ – a sure sign that I was very tipsy.

  Danny frowned at me. “How much have you had to drink?”

  I shrugged. “A f
ew.”

  “Hmm, I don’t think so.” Danny argued, looking at me in concern. “Maybe I should take you home.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, okay.”

  I wasn’t totally drunk but I knew that if I didn’t leave now, by the end of the night I probably would be. I didn’t want that to happen so going home to bed sounded like a good idea to me.

  I waved goodbye to Samuel and Harriet and headed outside with Danny. The fresh air sobered me up a little and I felt pretty stupid for drinking so much.

  “Sorry.” I mumbled quietly to Danny as soon as we were both sitting in the car.

  Danny turned to face me. “For what? Having a drink? That’s not a crime Darcie.”

  I nodded. “I know but I don’t normally drink more than two drinks.”

  Danny gazed at me intently. “So why break the rules tonight?”

  I shrugged. “A lot on my mind – I was trying to drown it all out.”

  “Wanna talk about it?” Danny asked softly.

  “No.” I insisted determinedly.

  Danny sighed heavily. “Are you sure?”

  He paused for a second when I nodded my head and then added, “It’s just that it might be more helpful than alcohol.”

  I glanced up at him to see him flash me a cheeky smile.

  I rolled my eyes at him. “Ever the smart ass, aren’t you?”

  Danny chuckled. “I do try. Seriously though, if you need to talk, I’m here to listen.”

  “Thanks but I’m not in the mood to get all touchy-feely.” I told him earnestly.

  He didn’t say anything but I could tell that he was annoyed as he sighed and looked away before starting the car. The radio came on and Danny turned it down low so that Snow Patrol’s ‘Somewhere a clock is ticking’ played softly in the background as he drove me home.

  When we pulled up outside my house, Danny switched off the engine and turned to look at me.

  “Can I ask you something Darcie?” He had the strangest expression on his face and I was unsure of how to answer.

  “You can but it doesn’t mean I’ll answer.” I told him firmly.

  He nodded. “Fair enough. You know that day in the pool that you started shouting ‘help us’ during one of your flashbacks…” He trailed off, waiting for me to acknowledge what he was talking about. I threw him a warning look but nodded nonetheless.

  He smiled tentatively. “Well, am I allowed to ask who you were talking about?”

  I hesitated a little before speaking. “Danny, I really don’t wanna talk about this tonight.”

  Danny sighed heavily. “That’s the thing Darcie – you never want to talk.”

  “What do you want me to say Danny?” I fired back at him angrily.

  “Do you want me to tell you that I need a shoulder to cry on – is that it? Or do you have a hero complex and feel the need to save everyone? My past is something I don’t like to talk about, why is that such a big deal to you?” I was ranting at him now but I didn’t care – he had no right to keep pestering me about my past.

  “What if I just want to help you Darcie?” Danny asked quietly before he continued.

  “Have you ever considered that you’re not the only one who has a past?” He looked at me expectantly but still ploughed on.

  “Or what about the possibility that maybe someone can relate to your situation? Have you ever thought about any of that? Well, have you?” Danny challenged, anger flaring in his eyes.

  I didn’t know what to say to Danny as I was still quite shocked at his outburst – in the short time that I had gotten to know him, I’d never seen him lose it like that. It was clear that I had hit a nerve with him.

  “Are you okay?” I asked after a few minutes of awkward silence.

  Danny glanced away. “I’m fine. Sorry for getting so mad. I’ll see you Monday, okay?”

  I nodded and quickly got out of the car before watching Danny drive off.

  My lungs felt like they were on fire. I could taste the salty water but there was nothing I could do to stop it from rushing into my lungs. I was choking while I screamed out for help and I could feel myself slipping in and out of consciousness. Suddenly, I could feel strong arms around me and hear someone comforting me.

  “Darcie, you’re going to be okay. I won’t let anything happen to you. I promise …”

  The dream changed and Danny appeared beside me.

  “Why do you fight so hard to push away everybody who wants to help you?” he asked in frustration.

  “It’s just easier that way.” I told him.

  He frowned. “What is?”

  “Life” I replied.

  “Why?” he asked curiously.

  I sighed. “Because nobody can disappoint you.”

  “Not everybody will let you down Darcie.” Danny stated.

  “You’re probably right.” I admitted. “But, sooner or later, the ones that do care will inevitably destroy you in the end.”

  Danny frowned. “How do you work that one out?”

  “With everyone, you learn to expect disappointment but with the ones you love the most … you’re never prepared for what they’re capable of.”

  “And what’s that?”

  “Something that everyone else doesn’t have the power to do …something that’s even worse than disappointment.”

  “What’s worse than that?” Danny asked in surprise.

  “The people you love can hurt you … and it’s in ways you never thought possible.” I told him sadly.

  “So you’re pushing me away because you’re afraid that I’ll disappoint you?” Danny enquired unsurely.

  I shook my head, “No, I’m afraid that you’ll hurt me …”

  Chapter Eighteen

  On Sunday morning, I woke up severely sleep-deprived with a monster headache. I groaned and glanced at the clock 6.07am. It was too early to get up but I couldn’t go back to sleep – not when the echoes of my dream were still imprinted in my brain.

  I sat up and tried to focus on something else. Sadly, the only other thought that sprang to my mind was last night’s conversation with Danny. I had made a mess of things here – I had thought that it would be different from Langley Falls but it wasn’t.

  Sighing, I decided to text Danny – I needed to clear the air between us if we were going to continue our lessons. I scrolled my phonebook until I found his name and typed:

  ‘R u up? Can we talk?’

  A few seconds later and my phone buzzed with a reply:

  ‘B @ urs in 15.’

  I sighed in relief and quickly got washed and changed before I crept downstairs.

  I peeked out the front door and found Danny already waiting. Climbing into the passenger seat, I wondered if Danny was still mad but one look at his face and I saw that he was perfectly calm.

  “You wanted to talk?” he ventured without looking at me.

  “Yeah, sorry about last night – I know you were only trying to help.”

  Danny glanced at me. “Yeah, I’m sorry too – the only point I was trying to make was that it’s healthy to talk about your past.”

  I nodded. “I know but I’m just not ready yet.”

  “Well, when you are, I’ll be here.” Danny smiled at me.

  “Thanks.” I told him quietly. “I appreciate that.”

  Danny grinned. “So, what are you up to today?”

  I shrugged. “My head is splitting and I feel like crap so not much!”

  Danny chuckled and glanced at his watch. “Hey, do you fancy going somewhere with me?”

  I frowned at him. “Now?”

  He nodded. “Yeah, there something I want you to see and we gotta go now before we’re too late.”

  “Okay, lead the way.” I told him with a small smile.

  “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Danny glanced at me and grinned at my expression.

  I was in total awe – I had never seen anything like it in my life. He had taken me to a little spot just outside of town that was the perfect place to watch
the sunrise. I had thrown Danny a searching look when he had stopped in the middle of nowhere on a road lined with trees on either side but now I understood. Once you got past all the trees, you had a clear view of the sunrise and it was breath-taking.

  “This is amazing!” I told him, revelling in the sights and sounds surrounding me.

  “I know … it’s so calm and peaceful, isn’t it? I come here to think sometimes.” Danny admitted.

  I smiled at him. “I can see why.”

  “So,” Danny began after a few seconds of silence. “There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you.”

  “Hmm, sounds ominous.” I joked and he smirked at me.

  “Nah, it’s just that at the end of every school year there’s this competition …” He trailed off as if searching for the right words to say next.

  I nodded to him, encouraging him to continue.

  He took a deep breath. “Well it’s a swimming competition that I’ve entered the last two years and I was wondering if you’d like to enter it with me this year?”

  I stared him for a few seconds. “Swimming competition?” I repeated.

  Danny nodded. “Yeah, it’s called ‘A Thousand Leagues’ and it’s the second week in June and I’d really love it if you’d agree to enter.”

  “Danny, I can barely stay afloat as it is – what makes you think I’ll be cut out for some sort of competition?” I gawped at him in horror.

  He shrugged. “Well it’s September now so that gives us at least eight months to get you ready for it.”

  “I don’t know Danny, what does it involve?”

  “Schools from towns all over compete just to be in with a chance to win the prize money – £1000 to each winner; one boy and one girl. The school gets some money too. It’s actually one of the biggest events in this town every year.” Danny told me excitedly.

  “Who won last year?” I asked curiously.

  “A guy called Lance Strafford – he beat me by a half point.” Danny replied grudgingly.

  “And the girl?” I asked pointedly.

  Danny’s face darkened. “Kimmy Grayson … also known as my ex.”

  I raised my eyebrows in surprise. “You’ve never mentioned her before … I’m sensing it didn’t end well.”