More Language of Letting Go: 366 New Daily Meditations

by Melody Beattie

  An important part of codependency recovery is staying clean and free of our compulsive or addictive behaviors. Recovery is one big room we've entered called healthy living.

  We can wave the white flag of surrender to all our addictions. We can safely turn to a Power greater than ourselves to relieve us of our compulsive behavior. We know that now. Once we begin actively working a program of recovery, God will relieve us of our addictions. Ask God each morning to help us stay free of our addictions and compulsions. Thank God for helping us the day before.

  Today, God, help me pay attention to all my recovery issues. Help me know that before I can work on the finer points of my recovery, such as my relationships, I must be free of addictive behaviors.

  May 5

  Control

  Many of us have been trying to keep the whole world in orbit with sheer and forceful application of mental energy.

  What happens if we let go, if we stop trying to keep the world orbiting and just let it whirl? It'll keep right on whirling. It'll stay right on track with no help from us. And we'll be free and relaxed enough to enjoy our place on it.

  Control is an illusion, especially the kind of control we've been trying to exert. In fact, controlling gives other people, Page 126

  events, and diseases, such as alcoholism, control over us. Whatever we try to control does have control over us and our life.

  I have given this control to many things and people in my life. I have never gotten the results I wanted from controlling or trying to control people. What I received for my efforts is an unmanageable life, whether that unmanageability was inside me or in external events.

  In recovery, we make a tradeoff. We trade a life that we have tried to control, and we receive in return something better—a life that is manageable.

  Today, I will exchange a controlled life for one that is manageable.

  May 6

  Feeling Good

  Make yourself feel good.

  It's our job to first make ourselves feel better and then make ourselves feel good. Recovery is not only about stopping painful feelings; it is about creating a good life for ourselves.

  We don't have to deny ourselves activities that help us feel good. Going to meetings, basking in the sun, exercising, taking a walk, or spending time with a friend are activities that may help us feel good. We each have our list. If we don't, we're now free to explore, experiment, and develop that list.

  When we find a behavior or activity that produces a good feeling, put it on the list. Then, do it frequently.

  Let's stop denying ourselves good feelings and start doing things that make us feel good.

  Today, I will do one activity or behavior that I know will create a good feeling for me. If I'm uncertain about what I like, I will experiment with one behavior today.

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  May 7

  Letting Go of Fear

  Fear is at the core of codependency. It can motivate us to control situations or neglect ourselves.

  Many of us have been afraid for so long that we don't label our feelings fear. We're used to feeling upset and anxious. It feels normal.

  Peace and serenity may be uncomfortable.

  At one time, fear may have been appropriate and useful. We may have relied on fear to protect ourselves, much the way soldiers in a war rely on fear to help them survive. But now, in recovery, we're living life differently.

  It's time to thank our old fears for helping us survive, then wave goodbye to them. Welcome peace, trust, acceptance, and safety. We don't need that much fear anymore. We can listen to our healthy fears, and let go of the rest.

  We can create a feeling of safety for ourselves, now. We are safe, now. We've made a commitment to take care of ourselves. We can trust and love ourselves.

  God, help me let go of my need to be afraid. Replace it with a need to be at peace. Help me listen to my healthy fears and relinquish the rest.

  May 8

  Giving Ourselves What We Deserve

  I worked at a good job, making a decent salary. I had been recovering for years. Each morning, I got into my car and I thanked God for the car. The heater didn't work. And the chance of the car not starting was almost as great as the chance that it would. I just kept suffering through, and Page 128

  thanking God. One day, it occurred to me that there was absolutely no good reason I couldn't buy myself a new car—that moment—if I wanted one. I had been gratitudeing myself into unnecessary deprivation and martyrdom. I bought the new car—that day.

  —Anonymous

  Often, our instinctive reaction to something we want or need is, ''No! I can't afford it!''

  The question we can learn to ask ourselves is, "But, can I?"

  Many of us have learned to habitually deprive ourselves of anything we might want, and often things we need.

  Sometimes, we can misuse the concept of gratitude to keep ourselves unnecessarily deprived.

  Gratitude for what we have is an important recovery concept. So is believing we deserve the best and making an effort to stop depriving ourselves and start treating ourselves well.

  There is nothing wrong with buying ourselves what we want when we can afford to do that. Learn to trust and listen to yourself about what you want. There's nothing wrong with buying yourself a treat, buying yourself something new.

  There are times when it is good to wait. There are times when we legitimately cannot afford a luxury. But there are many times when we can.

  Today, I will combine the principles of gratitude for what I have with the belief that I deserve the best. If there is no good reason to deprive myself, I won't.

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  May 9

  Learning New Behaviors

  Sometimes we'll take a few steps backward. That's okay too. Sometimes it's necessary. Sometimes it's part of going forward.

  —Codependent No More

  Life is a Gentle Teacher. She wants to help us learn.

  The lessons she wants to teach us are the ones we need to learn. Some say they are the lessons we chose to learn before we were born. Others say they are the lessons that were chosen for us.

  It's frustrating to be in the midst of learning. It is like sitting in algebra class, listening to a teacher explain a subject beyond our comprehension. We do not understand, but the teacher takes the understanding for granted.

  It may feel like someone is torturing us with messages that we shall never understand. We strain and strain. We become angry. Frustrated. Confused. Finally, in despair, we turn away, deciding that that formula will never be available to our mind.

  Later, while taking a quiet walk, we break through. Quietly, the gift of understanding has reached that deepest place in us. We understand. We have learned. The next day in class, it's hard for us to imagine not knowing. It is hard to remember the frustration and confusion of those who have not yet caught on. It seems so easy. . .

  now.

  Life is a Gentle Teacher. She will keep repeating the lesson until we learn. It is okay to become frustrated. Confused. Angry. Sometimes it is okay to despair. Then, it is okay to walk away and allow the breakthrough to come.

  It shall.

  Help me remember that frustration and confusion usually precede growth. If my situation is challenging me, it is because I'm Page 130

  learning something new, rising to a higher level of understanding. Help me be grateful, even in my frustration, that life is an exciting progression of lessons.

  May 10

  Enjoying the Good Days

  Good feelings can become a habitual part of our life. There is absolutely no virtue in the unnecessary suffering, which many of us have felt for much of our life. We don't have to allow others to make us miserable, and we don't have to make ourselves miserable.

  A good day does not have to be the "calm before the storm." That's an old way of thinking we learned in dysfunctional systems.

  In recovery, a good day or a good feeling doesn't mean we're in denial. We don't have to wre
ck our good times by obsessively searching for or creating a problem.

  Enjoying our good days doesn't mean we're being disloyal to loved ones who are having problems. We don't have to make ourselves feel guilty because other people aren't having a good day. We don't have to make ourselves miserable to be like them. They can have their day and their feelings; we can have ours.

  A good feeling is to be enjoyed. More than we can imagine, good days are ours for the asking.

  Today, I will let myself enjoy what is good. I don't have to wreck my good day or good feeling; I don't have to let others spoil it either.

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  May 11

  Perfection

  Many of us picked on ourselves unmercifully before recovery. We may also have a tendency to pick on ourselves after we begin recovery.

  "If I was really recovering, I wouldn't be doing that again. . . ." "I should be further along than I am." These are statements that we indulge in when we're feeling shame. We don't need to treat ourselves that way. There is no benefit.

  Remember, shame blocks us. But selflove and acceptance enable us to grow and change. If we truly have done something we feel guilty about, we can correct it with an amend and an attitude of selfacceptance and love.

  Even if we slip back to our old, codependent ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, we do not need to be ashamed. We all regress from time to time. That's how we learn and grow. Relapse, or recycling, is an important and necessary part of recovery. And the way out of recycling is not by shaming ourselves. That leads us deeper into codependency.

  Much pain comes from trying to be perfect. Perfection is impossible unless we think of it in a new way: Perfection is being who and where we are today; it's accepting and loving ourselves just as we are. We are each right where we need to be in our recovery.

  Today, I will love and accept myself for who I am and where I am in my recovery process. I am right where I need to be to get to where I'm going tomorrow.

  May 12

  Intimacy

  We can let ourselves be close to people.

  Many of us have deeply ingrained patterns for sabotaging relationships. Some of us may instinctively terminate a Page 132

  relationship once it moves to a certain level of closeness and intimacy.

  When we start to feel close to someone, we may zero in on one of the person's character defects, then make it so big it's all we can see. We may withdraw, or push the person away to create distance. We may start criticizing the other person, a behavior sure to create distance.

  We may start trying to control the person, a behavior that prevents intimacy.

  We may tell ourselves we don't want or need another person, or smother the person with our needs.

  Sometimes, we defeat ourselves by trying to be close to people who aren't available for intimacy—people with active addictions, or people who don't choose to be close to us. Sometimes, we choose people with particular faults so that when it comes time to be close, we have an escape hatch.

  We're afraid, and we fear losing ourselves. We're afraid that closeness means we won't be able to own our power to take care of ourselves.

  In recovery, we're learning that it's okay to let ourselves be close to people. We're choosing to relate to safe, healthy people, so closeness is a possibility. Closeness doesn't mean we have to lose ourselves, or our life. As one man said, we're learning that we can own our power with people, even when we're close, even when the other person has something we need.

  Today, I will be available for closeness and intimacy with people, when that's appropriate. Whenever possible, I will let myself be who I am, let others be who they are, and enjoy the bond and good feelings between us.

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  May 13

  Property Lines

  A helpful tool in our recovery, especially in the behavior we call detachment, is learning to identify who owns what. Then we let each person own and possess his or her rightful property.

  If another person has an addiction, a problem, a feeling, or a selfdefeating behavior, that is their property, not ours. If someone is a martyr, immersed in negativity, controlling, or manipulative, that is their issue, not ours.

  If someone has acted and experienced a particular consequence, both the behavior and the consequence belong to that person.

  If someone is in denial or cannot think clearly on a particular issue, that confusion belongs to him or her.

  If someone has a limited or impaired ability to love or care, that is his or her property, not ours. If someone has no approval or nurturing to give away, that is that person's property.

  People's lies, deceptions, tricks, manipulations, abusive behaviors, inappropriate behaviors, cheating behaviors, and tacky behaviors belong to them too. Not us.

  People's hopes and dreams are their property. Their guilt belongs to them too. Their happiness or misery is also theirs. So are their beliefs and messages.

  If some people don't like themselves, that is their choice. Other people's choices are their property, not ours.

  What people choose to say and do is their business.

  What is our property? Our property includes our behaviors, problems, feelings, happiness, misery, choices, and messages; our ability to love, care, and nurture; our thoughts, our denial, our hopes and dreams for ourselves. Whether we allow ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, deceived, or mistreated is our business.

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  In recovery, we learn an appropriate sense of ownership. If something isn't ours, we don't take it. If we take it, we learn to give it back. Let other people have their property, and learn to own and take good care of what's ours.

  Today, I will work at developing a clear sense of what belongs to me, and what doesn't. If it's not mine, I won't keep it. I will deal with myself, my issues, and my responsibilities. I will take my hands off what is not mine.

  May 14

  Honesty

  Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

  —Step Five of AlAnon

  Talking opening and honestly to another person about ourselves, in an attitude that reflects selfresponsibility, is critical to recovery.

  It's important to admit what we have done wrong to others and to ourselves. Verbalize our beliefs and our behaviors. Get our resentments and fears out in the open.

  That's how we release our pain. That's how we release old beliefs and feelings. That's how we are set free. The more dear and specific we can be with our Higher Power, ourselves, and another person, the more quickly we will experience that freedom.

  Step Five is an important part of the recovery process. For those of us who have learned to keep secrets from ourselves and others, it is not just a step—it is a leap toward becoming healthy.

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  Today I will remember that it's okay to talk about the issues that bother me. It is by sharing my issues that I will grow beyond them. I will also remember that it's okay to be selective about those in whom I confide. I can trust my instincts and choose someone who will not use my disclosures against me, and who will give me healthy feedback.

  May 15

  Take Risks

  Take a risk. Take a chance.

  We do not have to indulge in obviously foolhardy or selfdefeating risks, but we can allow ourselves to take positive risks in recovery. We cannot afford to keep ourselves paralyzed.

  We do not have to keep ourselves stymied and trapped out of fear of making a mistake or failing. Naturally, we will make mistakes and fail from time to time. That's part of being fully alive. There are no guarantees. If we are waiting for guaranteed courses of action, we may spend much of our life waiting.

  We do not have to shame ourselves or accept shame from anyone else, even those in recovery, for making mistakes. The goal of recovery is not to live life perfectly.

  The goal of recovery is to live, learn our lessons, and make overall progress.

  Take a risk. Do not always wait for a
guarantee. We don't have to listen to "I told you so." Dust yourself off after a mistake, and then move on to the success.

  God, help me begin to take healthy risks. Help me let go of my fear of failure, and help me let go of my fear of success. Help me let go of my fear of fully living my life, and help me start experiencing all parts of this journey.

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  May 16

  SelfLove

  "I woke up this morning and I had a hard time for a while," said one recovering man. "Then I realized it was because I wasn't liking myself very much." Recovering people often say: "I just don't like myself. When will I start liking myself?"

  The answer is: start now. We can learn to be gentle, loving, and nurturing with ourselves. Of all the recovery behaviors we're striving to attain, loving ourselves may be the most difficult, and the most important. If we are habitually harsh and critical toward ourselves, learning to be gentle with ourselves may require dedicated effort.

  But what a valuable venture!

  By not liking ourselves, we may be perpetuating the discounting, neglect, or abuse we received in childhood from the important people in our life. We didn't like what happened then, but find ourselves copying those who mistreated us by treating ourselves poorly.

  We can stop the pattern. We can begin giving ourselves the loving, respectful treatment we deserve.

  Instead of criticizing ourselves, we can tell ourselves we performed well enough.

  We can wake up in the morning and tell ourselves we deserve a good day.

  We can make a commitment to take good care of ourselves throughout the day.

  We can recognize that we're deserving of love.

  We can do loving things for ourselves.

  We can love other people and let them love us.

  People who truly love themselves do not become destructively selfcentered. They do not abuse others. They do not stop growing and changing. People who love themselves well, learn to love others well too. They continually grow into healthier people, learning that their love was appropriately placed.

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