More Language of Letting Go: 366 New Daily Meditations

by Melody Beattie

  ''courageous vulnerability,'' as Colette Dowling called it in Cinderella Complex. We may feel scared, but we do it anyway.

  Today, God, help me know how I can take care of myself.

  May 29

  Powerlessness and Unmanageability

  Willpower is not the key to the way of life we are seeking. Surrender is.

  "I have spent much of my life trying to make people be, do, or feel something they aren't, don't want to do, and choose not to feel. I have made them, and myself, crazy in that process," said one recovering woman.

  "I spent my childhood trying to make an alcoholic father who didn't love himself be a normal person who loved me. I then married an alcoholic and spent a decade trying to make him stop drinking.

  "I have spent years trying to make emotionally unavailable people be emotionally present for me.

  "I have spent even more years trying to make family members, who are content feeling miserable, happy. What I'm saying is this: I've spent much of my life desperately and vainly trying to do the impossible and feeling like a failure when I couldn't. It's been like planting corn and trying to make the seeds grow peas. Won't work!

  Page 149

  "By surrendering to powerlessness, I gain the presence of mind to stop wasting my time and energy trying to change and control that which I cannot change and control. It gives me permission to stop trying to do the impossible and focus on what is possible: being who I am, loving myself, feeling what I feel, and doing what I want to do with my life."

  In recovery, we learn to stop fighting lions, simply because we cannot win. We also learn that the more we are focused on controlling and changing others, the more unmanageable our life becomes. The more we focus on living our own life, the more we have a life to live, and the more manageable our life will become.

  Today, I will accept powerlessness where I have no power to change things, and I'll allow my life to become manageable.

  May 30

  Commitment

  As we walk through life, there are many things and people we may lose, or lose out on, if we are unwilling to commit. We need to make a commitment for relationships to grow beyond the dating stage, to have the home or apartment we want, the job we want, or the car we desire.

  We must commit, on deep levels, to careers—to goals to family, friends, recovery. Trying something will not enable us to succeed. Committing ourselves will.

  Yet, we need never commit before we are ready.

  Sometimes, our fear of commitment is telling us something. We may not want to commit to a particular relationship, purchase, or career. Other times, it is a matter of our fears working their way out. Wait, then. Wait until the issue becomes clear.

  Trust yourself. Ask your Higher Power to remove your fear of commitment. Ask God to remove your blocks to commitment. Ask God for guidance.

  Page 150

  Ask yourself if you are willing to lose what you will not commit to. Then listen, quietly. And wait until a decision seems consistently right and comfortable.

  We need to be able to commit, but we need never commit until we are ready.

  Trust that you will commit when you want to.

  God, guide me in making my commitments. Give me the courage to make those that are right for me, the wisdom to not commit to that which does not feel right, and the patience to wait until I know

  May 31

  What If?

  I was talking to a friend one day about something I planned to do. Actually, I was worrying about how one particular person might react to what I intended to do.

  "What if he doesn't handle it very well?" I asked.

  'Then," my friend replied, "you're going to have to handle it well."

  "What if's" can make us crazy. They put control over our life in someone else's hands. "What if's" are a sign that we have reverted to thinking that people have to react in a particular way for us to continue on our course.

  "What if's" are also a clue that we may be wondering whether we can trust ourselves and our Higher Power to do what's best for us. These are shreds of codependent ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, and they signal fear.

  The reactions, feelings, likes or dislikes of others don't have to control our behaviors, feelings, and direction. We don't need to control how others react to our choices. We can trust ourselves, with help from a Higher Power to handle any outcome—even the most uncomfortable. And, my friend, we can trust ourselves to handle it well.

  Page 151

  Today, I will not worry about other people's reactions, or events outside of my control. Instead, I will focus on my reactions. I will handle my life well today and trust that, tomorrow, I can do the same.

  Page 153

  June

  Page 154

  June 1

  Directness

  We feel safe around direct, honest people. They speak their minds, and we know where we stand with them.

  Indirect people, people who are afraid to say who they are, what they want, and what they're feeling, cannot be trusted. They will somehow act out their truth even though they do not speak it. And it may catch everyone by surprise.

  Directness saves time and energy. It removes us as victims. It dispenses with martyrdom and games. It helps us own our power. It creates respectful relationships.

  It feels safe to be around direct, honest people. Be one.

  Today, I will own my power to be direct. I do not have to be passive, nor do I need to be aggressive. I will become comfortable with my own truth, so those around me can become comfortable with me.

  June 2

  Owning Our Power

  We don't have to give others so much power and ourselves so little. We don't have to give others so much credit and ourselves so little. In recovery from codependency, we learn there's a big difference between humility and discounting ourselves.

  When others act irresponsibly and attempt to blame their problems on us, we no longer feel guilty. We let them face their own consequences.

  When others talk nonsense, we don't question our own thinking.

  When others try to manipulate or exploit us, we know it's okay to feel anger and distrust and to say no to the plan.

  When others tell us that we want something that we really don't want, or someone tells us that we don't want something that we really do want, we trust ourselves.

  When

  Page 155

  others tell us things we don't believe, we know it's okay to trust our instincts.

  We can even change our mind later.

  We don't have to give up our personal power to anyone: strangers, friends, spouses, children, authority figures, or those over whom we're in authority. People may have things to teach us. They may have more information than we have, and may appear more confident or forceful than we feel. But we are equals. Our magic is not in them. Our magic, our light, is in us. And it is as bright a light as theirs.

  We are not secondclass citizens. By owning our power, we don't have to become aggressive or controlling. We don't have to discount others. But we don't discount ourselves either.

  Today, I will own my power with people. I will let myself know what I know, feel what I feel, believe what I believe, and see what I see. I will be open to changing and learning from others and experience, but I will trust and validate myself too. I will stand in my own truth.

  June 3

  Charity

  We need healthy boundaries about receiving money, and we need healthy boundaries about giving money.

  Some of us give money for inappropriate reasons.

  We may be ashamed because we have money and don't believe we deserve it. We may belong to an organization that uses shame as a form of control to coerce us out of our money that the organization wants.

  We can get hooked into giving money to our children, family members, or friends because we have earned or unearned guilt. We allow ourselves to be financially blackmailed, sometimes by the people we love.

  This is not money freely given
, or given in health.

  Page 156

  Some of us give money out of a sense of caretaking. We may have exaggerated feelings of responsibility for others, including financial responsibility.

  We may be giving simply because we have not learned to own our power to say no when the answer is no.

  Some of us give because we hope or believe people will love us if we take care of them financially.

  We do not have to give money to anyone. Giving money is our choice. We do not have to allow ourselves to be victimized, manipulated, or coerced out of our money. We are financially responsible for ourselves. Part of being healthy is allowing those around us be financially responsible for themselves.

  We do not have to be ashamed about having the money that we earn; we deserve to have the money we have been given—whatever the amount, without feeling obligated to give it all away, or guilty because others want what we have.

  Charity is a blessing. Giving is part of healthy living. We can learn to develop healthy boundaries around giving.

  Today, I will strive to begin developing healthy boundaries about giving money. I understand that giving is my choice.

  June 4

  Trusting God

  A married couple, friends of mine, decided to make some changes in their living situation. They had always lived in the city, and now they decided they wanted to live in the country, on a lake.

  They found a small, lake home. It wasn't the house of their dreams, but when they sold their city home, they would have money to remodel it. They had saved some money, so they moved into their lake home before selling their city home.

  One year passed, and the city home didn't sell. My friends went through many changes during this time. They had Page 157

  times of patience and impatience. Some days they trusted God; other days they couldn't figure out why God was making them wait so long, why God wouldn't let them move forward with their plan. The doors just wouldn't swing wide open.

  One day, a neighbor came to visit my friends. His home on the lake was my friends' dream home—everything they wanted, plus more. The first time my friends saw this house, they admired it, wishing they could have a home just like it, but then they forgot about the idea. They didn't believe it could ever be possible.

  The reason the neighbor came to visit my friends was that he and his wife had decided to move. He offered my friends the first option on purchasing his home.

  My friends accepted his offer, and signed a purchase agreement. Within two months, they sold their city home and their small but adequate lake home. A short time later, they moved into the home of their dreams.

  Sometimes, we experience times of frustration in our life. We believe we're on track, trusting God and ourselves, yet things don't work out. We have false starts and stops. The door refuses to swing wide open.

  We may wonder if God has abandoned us, or doesn't care. We may not understand where we're going, or what our direction is.

  Then one day we see: the reason we didn't get what we wanted was because God had something much better planned for us.

  Today, I will practice patience. I will ask, and trust, my Higher Power to send me His best.

  Page 158

  June 5

  Shame can hold us back, hold us down, and keep us staring at our feet.

  —Beyond Codependency

  Watch out for shame.

  Many systems and people reek of shame. They are controlled by shame and may want us to play their game with them. They may be hoping to hook us and control us through shame.

  We don't have to fall into their shame. Instead, we'll take the good feelings—selfacceptance, love, and nurturing.

  Compulsive behaviors, sexually addictive behaviors, overeating, chemical abuse, and addictive gambling are shamebased behaviors. If we participate in them, we will feel ashamed. It's inevitable. We need to watch out for addictive and other compulsive behaviors because those will immerse us in shame.

  Our past, and the brainwashing we may have had that imposed "original shame" upon us, may try to put shame on us. This can happen when we're all alone, walking through the grocery store or just quietly going about living our life. Don't think. . . . Don't feel. . . . Don't grow or change. . . . Don't be alive. . . . Don't live life. . . . Be ashamed!

  Be done with shame. Attack shame. Go to war with it. Learn to recognize it and avoid it like the plague.

  Today, I will deliberately refuse to get caught up in the shame floating around in the world. If I cannot resist it, I will feel it, accept it, then be done with it as quickly as possible. God, help me know that it's okay to love myself and help me to refuse to submit to shame. If I get off course, help me learn to change shame into guilt, correct the behavior, and move forward with my life in immediate selflove.

  Page 159

  June 6

  The Gift of Readiness

  Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

  —Step Six of AlAnon

  We progress to the Sixth Step by working diligently, to the best of our ability, on the first five Steps. This work readies us for a change of heart, an openness to becoming changed by a Power greater than ourselves—God.

  The path to this willingness can be long and hard. Many of us have to struggle with a behavior or feeling before we become ready to let it go. We need to see, over and over again, that the coping device that once protected us is no longer useful.

  The defects of character referred to in Step Six are old survival behaviors that once helped us cope with people, life, and ourselves. But now they are getting in our way, and it is time to be willing to have them removed.

  Trust in this time. Trust that you are being readied to let go of that which is no longer useful. Trust that a change of heart is being worked out in you.

  God, help me become ready to let go of my defects of character. Help me know, in my mind and soul, that I am ready to let go of my selfdefeating behaviors, the blocks and barriers to my life.

  June 7

  Into Orbit

  It doesn't matter if they're hurting themselves. It doesn't matter that we could help them if they'd only listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER.

  —Codependent No More

  Page 160

  I think I can change him. Nobody's ever really loved him and appreciated him before. I'll be the one to do that, and then he'll change. . . . She's never been with anybody trustworthy before. I'll prove how trustworthy I am, and then she'll be able to love. . . . Nobody's been able to get to her, to conquer her, before. I'll be the one to do that. . . . Nobody's ever really given him a chance. . . . Nobody's ever really believed in him before. . . .

  These are warning signs. Red lights. Red flags. In fact, if we're thinking these thoughts, they need to be stop signs.

  If we have gotten hooked into believing that somehow we will be the one who will make the difference in someone's life, if we are trying to prove how good we can be for someone, we may be in trouble.

  This is a game. A deception. It won't work. It'll make us crazy. We can trust that. We're not seeing things clearly. Something's going on with us.

  It will be selfdefeating.

  We may be ''the one'' all right—the one to wind up victimized.

  The whole thought pattern reeks of codependency, of not being responsible for oneself, and of victimization. Each person needs to do his or her own work.

  Nobody in the past has really understood him. . . . Nobody has seen what I see in her. . . . It's a setup. It sets us up to stop paying attention to ourselves while we focus too much on the other person. It takes us away from our path and often puts us in orbit.

  Nobody has appreciated him enough. . . . Nobody has been good enough to her, or done for her what I can do. . . . It's a rescue. It's a game move, a game we don't have to play. We don't have to prove we're the one. If we're out to show people we're the best thing that ever happened to them, it may
be time to see if they're the best thing that ever happened to us.

  Page 161

  We have not been appointed as guardian angel, godmother, godfather, or "the one who will"

  The help, support, and encouragement that truly benefits others and ourselves emerges naturally. Let it.

  God, help me let go of my need to meet dysfunctional challenges in my relationships.

  June 8

  Fun

  Have some fun—with life, with the day.

  Life is not drudgery; that is an old belief. Let go of it. We are on an adventure, a journey. Events will come to pass that we cannot now fathom.

  Replace heaviness and weariness of spirit with joy. Surround yourself with people and things that bring lightness of spirit.

  Become sensitive to lightness of spirit.

  The journey can be an exciting adventure. Let yourself enjoy it.

  Today, I will have some fun with life, with recovery, with people, and with my day.

  June 9

  Panic

  Few situations—no matter how greatly they appear to demand it—can be bettered by us going beserk.

  —Codependent No More

  Don't panic!

  If a swimmer was crossing a great lake, then suddenly focused too heavily on the distance remaining, he might start to flounder and go under—not because he couldn't swim, but because he became overwhelmed by panic.

  Page 162

  Panic, not the task, is the enemy.

  Many of us have moments when we feel crowded and overwhelmed. We have times when we feel like we cannot possibly accomplish all that needs to be done.

  We may be facing a task at work, an improvement in ourselves, or change in our family life.

  For a moment, it is helpful to look forward and envision the project. It is normal, when we look ahead at what needs to be done, to have moments of panic. Feel the fear, then let it go. Take our eyes off the future and the enormity of the task. If we have envisioned the goal, it will be ours. We do not have to do everything today, or at once.

  Focus on today. Focus on the belief that all is well. All we need to do to reach our goal is to focus on what presents itself naturally, and in an orderly way, to us today.