Dear Aaron

by Mariana Zapata

  I shrugged and let them drop in defeat, in total freaking failure. At this point, half my life seemed like a failure. What was one more?

  I was starting to sound like Jasmine with her “the world is working against me” crap.

  “Oh, Ruby,” Tali half sighed and half choked like she could feel my pain but also thought it was hilarious. “Did you e-mail him after?”

  I waited until after I took another sip of water before telling her the truth. “No, I thought it would make it worse.” What I didn’t tell her was that I’d stayed in bed for two hours going over that sequence of two letters like a broken record, wishing I could go back in time and relive those three seconds again so I could stop myself from possibly ruining a friendship that I’d really started to care about for over the last nine months.

  That was an understatement I was still lying to myself over, and probably would keep lying to myself over for the rest of my life.

  Friendship.

  Like that was all I felt for this man whose face I had never seen. That’s how I knew I had it bad. I didn’t even know what he looked like and I had such a huge attraction to him it didn’t matter.

  He was nice, but not too nice. Funny. Honest. Spiteful enough to be real. And he wasn’t a creep. He understood me and still liked me.

  So it wasn’t a surprise that I liked Aaron Hall. I liked him a lot. A lot, a lot. More than a lot. If I really let myself think about it, I wouldn’t even call what I felt for him being along the lines of “like.”

  Even though I knew there was a thousand and a half things he wasn’t willing to share with me.

  But that thought only lasted until I reminded myself that I was dumb and had no business having feelings for anyone, especially him. I’d already spent more than half my life pining away for someone who didn’t see me as anything more than his best friend’s little sister even after we’d… done something. I’d learned my lesson. At least you’d figure I would have learned my lesson. I wasn’t about to go down that road of unrequited love again. I was fully aware of the castle I’d built and what it was made of, and it was friendship.

  Case closed. The door was locked and deadbolted. I wasn’t going there, not today, not tomorrow, not ever. No, thank you. My castle lived in Denial’s city limits, and it was and would have to be perfectly fine there.

  “What are you going to do if he messages you again?” Tali asked as the server approached our table. Neither one of us said anything as he dropped off three plates of food with a sleek smile aimed at my sister that went unnoticed because he wasn’t a woman with at least a D-cup breast size.

  I dragged my Reuben and fries toward me as I smiled at the server still looking at Tali’s pale skin, dark red hair, and blue eyes, with so much hope. Poor guy had no idea he never could or would stand a chance with my sister. Been there, done that. I knew what that was like. I told her, “Either pretend like nothing happened, or say I’m sorry and that I don’t know why I wrote that and I regret it big time.”

  My sister snickered as she picked up her own Reuben with both hands, oblivious to the server still hanging around, arranging the silverware around the plate he’d set next to mine. “You want to keep being friends with him, don’t you?” she asked.

  It wasn’t like I didn’t talk about Aaron. I did. My whole family knew about him. There wasn’t a whole lot I kept from them, except this whole giant-crush-on-a-practical-stranger thing. All I’d told them was that we were friendly. “Yeah…,” I said, watching the neglected server shoot Tali one last look before finally huffing and walking off.

  “Then just say ‘my bad’ and hopefully he’ll understand you were joking around.” There was a pause and a second later, her lips pinched together. Her chin wobbled.

  I knew what she was going to do before she did it, but I still made a face when she started laughing her butt off all over again, loud, loud, loud.

  “Why would you do that, Squirt?”

  “I don’t know!” I hissed back at her, trying not to laugh and feel mortified at the same time and failing. Like usual. “It just happened. It was like I was talking to you or something.”

  “You’ve never written that to me!”

  I groaned and felt my entire body flame up all over again in shame. “I know! I’ve never sent that to anyone.” Because I hadn’t. Not even at my most desperate with Hunter did I ever write him that.

  “What haven’t you sent to anyone?” came the other female voice a split second before Jasmine slid into the spot on the bench seat beside me, her hands already dragging the Cuban sandwich with sweet potato fries she would never eat on a regular basis closer to her.

  Dragging my hand across my throat, I shook my head at Tali, trying to tell her not to say anything.

  She either didn’t see me or didn’t care, because the next thing I knew, she blurted out, “Squirt wrote XOXO on an IM to her army friend.”

  Jasmine snorted a second before she bit into her sandwich. With a mouthful of pork, she said something that sounded like, “The one you like?”

  “I don’t like him like that,” I tried to lie.

  The eighteen-year-old who treated me like the younger one, snickered in what I knew was disbelief.

  I rolled my eyes and sighed, training my gaze on the wall behind Tali’s chair, ignoring the way my little sister was brushing this all off and how my older one was pretty much dying of embarrassment for me. “Shut up.”

  “Before you were a dumbass, did he tell you if he was going to keep in touch?” Tali asked as she tried to reach toward Jasmine’s plate to snag a fry. It was either my imagination or our little sister growled loud enough for Tali to snatch her hand back on her own.

  “He said he would, but…” I shrugged and cleared my throat. “We’ll see.” Things would be different once he got back to the States and his life didn’t revolve around the same old people and the same old base. I understood.

  “You haven’t kept in touch with any of the rest of the soldiers you’ve written before, have you?” Jasmine asked between bites, making it really apparent that she was usually so focused on her own life that she didn’t pay that much attention to anyone else’s.

  “No.” Then again, most of my conversations with my other Help a Soldier pairings had consisted of the weather, their kids, and if they liked this-or-that more. I’d never told anyone else things about my family or my lack of relationships or… anything really that personal. I was a moron. A giant moron who knew better. Another sigh that probably gave too much away slipped right out of me. “Who knows, maybe he won’t write me again. He doesn’t have to.”

  Because he didn’t. He didn’t owe me anything.

  I didn’t miss the look my sisters gave each other. Neither one of them thought he’d write me. Or maybe they both saw through my façade. Honestly, I would rather not know.

  If there was one thing I’d learned over the last few years, it was that just because you cared about someone, and just because they made it seem like they cared about you too, didn’t really mean a single thing at the end of the day.

  I’d take what I’d been given and be happy with it.

  Chapter 13

  June

  I was in the middle of cutting fabric when my phone beeped. I’d been tracing the pattern for the reversible style of bandanas I was working on for the last hour, and wanted to start on the other fabric I was planning on using for the other side. I never got used to how excited the little things in life made me, but knowing I’d see a finish product soon… it made me smile, even if it was dog bandanas I was making, because they were my dog bandanas. Not anyone else’s.

  I didn’t even bother rushing to look at my cell phone screen. Anyone texting me knew that after six o’clock, I was usually in work mode. If it was something important, they could call. It wasn’t for another half hour, until I was done cutting out giant triangle-like shapes on the second fabric I was using, that I dragged my cell over the worktable toward me.

  And then I saw it.
>
  AHALL80 SENT YOU A MESSAGE

  My heart leapt.

  And as quickly as it leapt, it seemed to seize up in a way it hadn’t in years.

  It had been two weeks since the Skype app had been opened on my phone, much less on my computer. Two weeks in which I’d tried to stop thinking about this man I’d been forced into a friendship with through a foundation. Fourteen nights where every time I lay in bed—and every time I had a spare moment to think—I thought about those damn Xs and Os. Mostly though, I thought about the man I’d gotten to know, and I wondered if he had gotten home okay and tried not to miss his messages and e-mails.

  I’d put my foot in my mouth plenty of times in my life, but what I’d done in our last conversation was at the top. So far at the top, I didn’t know how something else would ever beat it.

  Knowing my luck, I’d jinxed myself by just thinking about it, but I shoved that possibility to the back of my mind for later.

  I had more important things to think about. Like Aaron messaging me after weeks. Like he’d said he would. After I pretty much told him I was sending him hugs and kisses like a stalker.

  Since talking to my sisters about it, I’d wondered if I was overthinking it. Maybe he hadn’t even read it? Or if he had read it, he didn’t take it to mean I was ready to have his babies or was secretly in love with him and playing it cool. I told myself not to linger over not hearing from him for weeks; I’d heard about the layovers the soldiers faced when they were flying back from overseas deployments. It wasn’t like they had nonstop flights. When I wasn’t telling myself not to overthink our last IM session and worry I’d never hear from him again, I told myself that if I never heard from him again, I would be fine.

  But every time I thought of never hearing from him, it made my heart ache a little. More than a little. It made me feel like I had indigestion, and I’ve never had indigestion.

  But I’d understand if he never contacted me again.

  I would.

  My sister Jasmine was a different person when she was in the middle of training for a competition coming up. Every aspect of her life changed during those periods. If he didn’t have time to be my friend once his life was back to normal on base in the States, I couldn’t hold it against him. Time was something you couldn’t just give out freely. It was precious.

  So when AHALL80 flashed across my cell phone screen again with (2) next to his name, my heart practically did a shimmy I hadn’t felt since…

  I wasn’t going to think about it.

  I’d been worried about him. He’d been flying across an ocean. There was nothing off about being happy your friend was okay.

  And that was what I was going to keep telling myself.

  Forever.

  Because that was all I was ever going to have, and I just needed to live with it like I’d been doing.

  Setting aside my scissors and the pile of banana print I’d just finished with, I unlocked the screen and tapped on the notification icon, ignoring the spike of excitement and relief at his name on my screen.

  I had this. I had this. He wouldn’t be writing me if I’d done irreparable damage to our friendship.

  And that was another thing I was going to keep telling myself.

  June 10, 2009

  7:49 p.m.

  AHall80: Hey

  AHall80: I’m alive

  RubyMars: Is it really you?

  AHall80: Heh. Yeah.

  AHall80: Hey

  RubyMars: You hey.

  AHall80: I made it back.

  RubyMars: I’d hoped so. :) How was the flight and everything?

  AHall80: Shit, but the thirteen hours I was stuck in Baghdad was worth it. I’m here, I don’t care.

  RubyMars: That’s the spirit.

  RubyMars: Did you have your beer and pizza already?

  AHall80: Yeah, a few of us went out to eat right after the ceremony.

  RubyMars: There’s a ceremony? I don’t remember that.

  RubyMars: How many beers did you have?

  RubyMars: Judgment-free zone, remember?

  AHall80: After the plane landed. I only had two beers… didn’t want to go too crazy after so long.

  RubyMars: Did you have a pepperoni pizza?

  AHall80: Megaroni

  AHall80: Deep dish

  RubyMars: Party animal

  AHall80: Baller

  RubyMars: Lol.

  RubyMars: Please tell me you had a hot shower already.

  AHall80: ….

  AHall80: Ruby

  AHall80: Yes.

  AHall80: Finished reintegration today and my friend took me to get a new phone since my truck isn’t here.

  RubyMars: What did you do to the phone you had before you left?

  AHall80: Canceled the service since I was leaving. No point in keeping it. Sold my phone too.

  AHall80: I don’t care about having a new number. Nobody’s calling me anyway.

  RubyMars: Are you messaging me on it right now?

  AHall80: Nah, just got a cheapo phone. Don’t need anything fancy. I bought a new laptop. That’s what I’m on.

  RubyMars: You sold your laptop too?

  AHall80: Mine broke before I even deployed. Didn’t bother getting another one because the sand gets into everything. That’s why I’d message you from a computer on base.

  AHall80: Got some clothes and other shit while we were out. I’m leaving for Shreveport tomorrow.

  RubyMars: Are you excited?

  AHall80: Yeah

  RubyMars: I’m so happy for you. I’m glad you’re back.

  AHall80: Me too

  AHall80: How you been?

  AHall80: I wanted to msg you sooner, but couldn’t because of the phone and laptop situation.

  RubyMars: Good. Fine. Everything is good.

  AHall80: Got more work?

  RubyMars: Some. I’m doing okay on money, but I need more work. I’m not freaking out yet. You’d be proud of how well I’m handling it.

  AHall80: You’ll be all right, Rube

  RubyMars: :)

  AHall80: Gone on another date?

  RubyMars: Yeah

  AHall80: So?

  RubyMars: It was okay.

  AHall80: With?

  RubyMars: Someone else. This other guy I went on a date with like a year ago.

  RubyMars: Before we became friends.

  AHall80: How’d that work?

  RubyMars: He’s another friend of a friend. I was at that friend’s house for her birthday and he was there and asked. I guess he’d been dating someone for about a year, but they broke up. I said yes. Went on it.

  AHall80: What happened?

  RubyMars: What do you mean?

  AHall80: Did something happen on the date?

  RubyMars: …

  RubyMars: Am I that obvious?

  AHall80: You’ve been messaging me for months. Yeah.

  AHall80: What happened?

  RubyMars: Nothing bad.

  RubyMars: He kissed me and tried to take it further than I’d intended.

  RubyMars: Did you know some guys think after one date it’s time to get down?

  AHall80: Get down?

  AHall80: Ruby

  AHall80: Did he try to force you?

  RubyMars: Force me, no. He just… expected it. Like taking me to the movies and a cute Italian restaurant meant I owed him something. It pissed me off is all. More at me than him.

  AHall80: You didn’t do anything wrong

  RubyMars: I know I didn’t. I just felt like a little kid. I didn’t even have the girls coming out of my top trying to entice him or anything.

  RubyMars: I don’t know why I used the word entice.

  RubyMars: Sorry for the “girls” comment. I forget you’re a guy sometimes.

  AHall80: ….

  RubyMars: You know what I mean.

  AHall80: Yeah, yeah I know.

  RubyMars: Am I the only one who didn’t know one date is the new thing? I thought it was a three-date thing before t
he sex was expected?

  AHall80: “the sex”

  AHall80: Damn it, Ruby

  RubyMars: Lol, you know what I mean!

  AHall80: Yeah

  AHall80: And yeah, that’s the new norm. You’re the only one who didn’t know.

  RubyMars: Great. Thanks.

  AHall80: You sure he didn’t do anything to you?

  RubyMars: You’re sweet. And no, I promise. He’s still alive. He kissed me when I wasn’t expecting it and started trying to touch my little boobies (spoiler alert). I told him to stop and he did.

  RubyMars: I could tell he was frustrated, but it was fine. I’m sure he’s never calling again. Not that I even want him to. He was kind of a pig.

  AHall80: Good.

  AHall80: You’re not missing out on anything. Fuck that guy.

  RubyMars: Yeah, fuck him.

  AHall80: Did you finish your profile?

  RubyMars: No. I think I’m done for a while. I don’t think I’m missing out on anything awesome.

  AHall80: Have you gone out again with the other guy? Your brother’s friend?

  RubyMars: Him. Once. Last week.

  RubyMars: Another failure.

  RubyMars: I went over to his place for dinner and a movie and guess what I found?

  AHall80: You went over to his place for dinner and a movie? Do you know what that means?

  RubyMars: Dinner and a movie…?

  AHall80:…

  AHall80: No.

  AHall80: The same as the three-date thing or the new one-date thing.

  RubyMars: I was wondering why my mom was eyeing #4 so much when I told them where I was going.

  RubyMars: That makes me feel worse that they knew what that meant. I remember my mom going to Ben’s house for dinner almost every night before they got married.

  RubyMars: I could have gone without that mental picture.

  AHall80: Ruby

  RubyMars: I digress. I’ll brain bleach later. Guess what I found at his house?

  AHall80: If you say condoms…

  RubyMars: Not condoms. WTF.

  RubyMars: I found women’s underwear shoved into the cushions of his couch. I was looking for the remote and ta-da! Lacey black underwear. It was straight out of a bad date movie. I couldn’t wash my hands fast enough afterward.