A Boy I Used to Love (A St. Skin Novel): a bad boy new adult romance novel

by London Casey

  “I fucking love you, Lacey,” he growled. “I never fucking stopped. And I never fucking will stop.”

  I was breathless. All I could do was nod.

  I stared into his eyes.

  The thunder was still smashing outside the cabin. My heart was still smashing inside my chest.

  I’d never stopped loving him, either.

  But I was afraid to make that known…because losing him again would be the end of me.

  His fingers traced a line down my back, and I shivered.

  We were in silence for what felt like hours. The thunder had begun to quiet as the storm moved away. It was just a gentle rain that was starting to stop, too. The room was warm, comfortable, the lingering smell of our heat and bodies.

  “It feels like before,” River whispered.

  I smiled, tingling and blushing.

  I then popped up on my elbows and looked at him. “All we need to do is share a smoke, right?”

  River rolled to his back and to his right side. A second later, he had a cigarette between his lips. I hated that he made it look sexy.

  He lit it and took a drag. He pushed himself to a seated position up on the bed. A thin sheet covered him just below his rippled stomach, but the bulge of his dick was so obvious. There was no hiding that monster. And that was fine with me. That was one monster I was not afraid of.

  He gave me the smoke and I had to admit…I felt sexy on my elbows, my body exposed, taking a drag of the cigarette. My breasts pressed against the bed, and my nipples were tender. My skin was tight and shivers kept rolling through me. Between my thighs, I could feel everything that had happened. I curled my toes and took another drag.

  River stared at me, eyeing up and down.

  “What?” I finally asked with a playful smile. “You’re creeping me out.”

  “Just look at you,” he said. “I never thought you could get more beautiful, but you proved me wrong.”

  “Stop that.”

  “Lacey, no,” he said as he plucked the cigarette from me.

  I reached for his chest and flicked my pointer finger over his nipple. It made no sense that I felt so comfortable with him. Well, it did make sense, he was the one.

  “You should talk,” I said. “You have all these new muscles, River. And some new moves.”

  “All for you, darlin’,” he said with a grin.

  “Yeah, right. I’m sure you had your fun for years without me.”

  “I wouldn’t call it fun,” he said. “More like numbing the pain.”

  He took a drag and tilted his head back, exhaling the smoke.

  Fuck, he was so hot. He was godlike to me. Everything good and bad, all wrapped up into one tall, strong package.

  River looked at me and passed the smoke again. “I’m sure you had yours, too.”

  I didn’t respond.

  In my mind, I had two flashes of memories. One was of a guy on one knee, sliding a ring onto my finger. The other was a cop at the door, telling me how sorry he was for my loss.

  I took a weak drag. “So, do we talk about the past, River? Everything that happened while we were apart?”

  “I’ll talk about anything you want,” he said. “I don’t want anything hidden between us. I don’t want anything to break us apart. Like your parents did…”

  “You don’t have to worry about them.”

  “No?”

  “When I left, I left everything. Including them. I haven’t seen them in years.”

  “Shit, darlin’, that’s not right.”

  “Tell that to them,” I said. My heart ached a little. “They made their decisions in life, River. So I made mine. I wasn’t going to fake everything like they did. And that’s where I was headed. One step away from walking down the aisle…”

  “Married?” River asked. “You were…”

  Before he could finish his question, there was a pounding at the front door to the cabin.

  “What the hell is that?” River asked.

  He took the cigarette from me and got out of the bed. He put the smoke between his lips and wrestled to get his jeans back on. He left the room, and I rolled myself up in the sheet and stood up. I felt dizzy for a few seconds. From the amazing sex. From the look on his face when he almost found out I had been engaged.

  Clawing through the past wasn’t going to be easy.

  I took a few steps from the room and heard voices.

  “Christ, I thought it was this place,” a voice said.

  “Richie, what are you talking about?” River asked.

  “I have a scanner up at my place. My version of the news. Storm was fucking nasty, River. Heard something come through about here.”

  “Here? What do you mean?”

  “Well, if it’s not this place, it’s that old shit house a little ways over.”

  “What happened?”

  I stepped into view just as Richie answered the question.

  “It’s burning to the ground…”

  River grabbed my hand as we walked from the front of his truck toward the black, billowing smoke. The rain had officially died off, and the winds were calm. The storm was off to cause problems for someone else.

  We hadn’t spoken a word since Richie said the house was on fire.

  Yeah, it was a beat-up piece of shit that should have been burned or torn down a long time ago. I had wanted to go see the place one more time. Maybe even walk through it with River. Capture all those memories that were still there.

  But now it was just a few pieces of jagged wood sticking up like dirty, crooked teeth on a monster. There were two firetrucks still working to kill any of the hot spots.

  Richie was with us, too, not knowing what this actually meant for us.

  He went right up to one of the firefighters who was taking a break, drinking water.

  Turned out a bolt of lightning had hit a branch and dropped it into the roof. That was just the beginning for the poor old house. Another bolt hit the house in the right spot and set it on fire. The inside was so worn out, it was nothing but kindling. And when it went up, it was up fast.

  The firefighters’ job was to put out the fire and contain it to just that spot to keep it from spreading anywhere else in the woods and surrounding areas.

  Richie thanked the firefighter and turned to face us.

  “Well we got lucky there,” Richie said. “Shit. That’s too close for comfort. That storm was a bitch. Those trees up at my place were sideways. I swore the entire cabin was going to lift off the ground and spin away like something out of a tornado movie.”

  River nodded, but he was staring at the smoke.

  I felt his hand slowly open from mine, and I quickly grabbed it with both of mine.

  “Sorry to interrupt your day there,” Richie said. “I’m heading back up.”

  “See you later,” River said in a cold, monotone voice.

  I looked at the house then, too.

  The two pillars from the porch were still standing, but the roof of the porch had fallen to one side.

  I remembered standing at the pillar, waiting for River to come back from one his fights. Just me and the crickets. The summer heat. Being so alone and scared, but finding comfort when River would come back to me. Sweating from fighting. Sometimes bloody. But he always won. And he was always smiling. He was always so beautiful.

  It made me hate the situation even more.

  “It’s gone,” River whispered. “Fuck, darling, our house.”

  I put my head to his arm. “No, River, it wasn’t our house. And it’s not gone from our memory.”

  “Is this all a sign?” he asked.

  “What?”

  “The second we try to get together, this happens.”

  “What do you mean?”

  River broke away from me and ran his hands through his hair.

  The rumble of the firetrucks echoed, along with the splashing water. The smell clung to the insides of my nose and my lungs. That heavy, burnt smell.

  River walked
to his truck and slammed his fists against the hood.

  I felt like I was in some kind of deja vu moment with him.

  “River,” I said as I approached.

  He looked back at me. I’d never seen him cry before.

  But he blinked fast, tears in his eyes.

  “I’ll never forgive myself for not saving you,” he said.

  “Saving me…”

  “Lacey, I knew you were engaged before.”

  “What?”

  “I had someone find you. Just to check on you. And you were… happy.”

  “You had someone check on me?” I asked. “Why didn’t you…”

  “I couldn’t,” he said. “I was figuring out my next move and then I found out you were getting engaged.”

  “Getting? You knew about it before me?”

  “You said yes,” River said. “To another man.”

  “I left,” I said. “I left because it would have been a lie. It was a lie. Everything was a lie. Except you, River. Until now.”

  I turned and wanted to run.

  I couldn’t even take a step, though.

  All I could see was the charred remains of the house where River first taught me how to feel like a woman. Where he first touched me, showed the ways of his body and what it felt like to appreciate my own needs. Where I discovered my wants.

  Where I fell in love and vowed the rest of my life to him.

  And ten years later… history was repeating itself again… because I felt empty, alone, and lost.

  River

  FIVE YEARS AGO

  I sat up from the weight bench and a guy named Pin sat on another bench, dressed in a nice suit, a fancy hat in his hands. Everyone called him Pin because he had a really fat head. I’m talking weirdly huge for his body. So, the running joke was that if you poked him with a pin, his head would pop.

  He worked with a legit boxing company and wanted me to sign up. He was promoting a few fights and wanted me on the card. The pay was shit and the winnings were shit. The exposure was the allure of it all.

  “It’s been a week,” he said, and checked his gold watch. “What’s the answer?”

  “I haven’t heard back from my end yet,” I said.

  I went back on the bench and grabbed the bar. I couldn’t stop lifting. I couldn’t get out of the gym. When I got tired, I would go into the ring and work on my moves. The old man that owned the shitty building that was once a prominent boxing school was Pin’s great uncle Tommy. He wore so many damn gold bracelets he couldn’t lift his arms past his hips because they were weighted down. He gave me a key a month ago and told me I could stay there as long as I kept the place clean.

  Fuck, it was a palace to me.

  A free gym. Heavy bags. A working fridge. A shower that sometimes spit out hot water.

  I felt like a king, even when I was mopping up the old floor at night.

  I had gotten myself into a fucking mess after my last fight. The pay was big, but the guy running my opponent had connections that went all the way to New York. After the fight, he pulled me aside and offered me a chance to work for him. I refused. But then an idea got into my head.

  I asked him to find Lacey.

  She hadn’t spent a second outside of my mind since she left. And that was five years ago. Five fucking years of just dodging life and throwing dirty punches and scrambling to make things work. The garage got shut down by the cops, and I spent my days training and sleeping and my nights fighting and fucking women whose names I didn’t even care to learn.

  I wanted her to come back to me. I wanted her to prove everyone wrong and come back. There wasn’t a day that went by when I didn’t think about going to get her. Just showing up and changing everything in both of our lives.

  A hand wrapped around the middle of the weight bar, breaking up my thoughts.

  Pin pushed and showed his teeth to me.

  “Son, I need a motherfucking answer,” Pin said. He stood up and put his hat on with his free hand. “This is a springboard.”

  I pushed with all my might, overpowering his grip, forcing the bar up. I was benching more than I needed to and now I had Pin pushing on the bar, trying to break me.

  After a few seconds, he stopped and let go.

  I slammed the bar back and sat up. I spun off the bench and stood up, towering over him.

  “What the fuck is your problem?” I yelled.

  “You need to listen to me, son. I’m trying to pull your ass out of this hole you’re in.”

  “I’ll give you an answer when I’m ready,” I said. “I told you that.”

  “I don’t have time.”

  “Neither do I,” I said.

  We stared each other down. Pin shook his head. “Stupid. That’s what you are, River. The true fighters are the ones who take everything they can get.”

  “Then I’m not the fighter you want,” I said.

  “But you are. You’re going to be huge. I know it. You won’t listen to me.”

  “I’ll call you with my answer,” I said.

  Pin said something in Italian and walked away.

  I sat on the end of the bench for a good hour and just thought about life.

  I was waiting for a call.

  The call that would forever change my path in life.

  Dear Lacey,

  Hey, darling. It’s me. It’s been five years. I can’t believe it’s been five years. I can still picture you. Sitting in your car. Me grabbing the open window, throwing promises at you. Telling you I was going to make things right. But I didn’t make things right. I got lost. It all went dark when you left. The light went out. Everything went out.

  I dropped the pencil to the floor. I ripped the paper out of the notebook and balled it up. I threw it into the trashcan where it joined the others. I was a fucking fool for trying to write her. Trying to put five years of feelings into one letter.

  But I had her address.

  I knew where she was.

  I knew what she was doing.

  She was in school but not medical school. Her parents were retired and living on Long Island in some expensive fucking beach house. Her father ended up making a killing with whatever company he began to work for when they took Lacey away from me. He got in on the ground floor and got a piece of the IPO and made seven figures.

  All that shit ripped me up inside, but if Lacey was happy, then it was worth it.

  That’s all I wanted for her.

  What was I supposed to do? Just show up and take all that away? Her dreams. Her stability. Her future.

  There were images in my mind of us running away together and finding a way to make it work. But I had been in the dirt long enough to know that life wasn’t some fucking movie where things just always worked out. Sometimes things didn’t work out. And that was just life.

  I grabbed the pencil again.

  Dear Lacey,

  You left. I was drunk and babbling about meeting up in a few years. But you left. Not me. I could have kept you from leaving but you would have regretted me.

  I ripped the page out and tossed it.

  I had gone up to our meeting spot two times now. Two years in a row I spent the entire day up there. Scrounging up cash to buy a diamond ring in case she showed up, then burying the rings. That was just a waste of money. But here’s the deal with that… I never believed in signs or superstition until I met a guy named Finn. He was a fire-haired Irishman straight out of Belfast. Came to the states to work in construction and fell on hard times, got mixed up with gangs and drugs. He bounced in and out of prison until he found the west coast and realized all that muscle and anger he held could be used for fighting. He had a routine before every fight and he never lost. He carried a rosary and looked in the mirror, mumbling prayers in his thick accent. When I asked about all that shit, he said a good man needs a routine and a belief.

  Then, in a bar fight, someone ripped the rosary in half. That same night Finn did a few hours in jail to sleep off the booze and bruises. When he left,
he didn’t have his rosary. The police lost it.

  His next fight? Not only did he lose, he got his jaw broken and his left eye hit so hard he went blind. Last time I heard about Finn, he was back in Belfast, shoveling shit for almost no pay.

  For some reason that just stuck with me. So, when I went to wait for Lacey, I took a new ring because I didn’t want the bad karma from the previous one to fuck me. Even though I was only fucking myself out of money and into another broken heart.

  I growled and grabbed the pencil and slammed it to a fresh piece of paper.

  Dear Lacey,

  I showed up. More than once. When I blurted out about meeting up, I wasn’t fucking lying. It was my last chance at getting you back. I showed up there, though. Took a walk around. Went down to the abandoned house. Before you, that house was a party place for me and the boys. We’d get back from a fight and go sit there, laughing and howling all night. Like fucking fools, drinking whiskey to numb the pain.

  I want to buy that house, Lacey. I’m going to buy that house. For you. I’m going to wait for you and then let you decide how you want it. Anything you want. Everything you ever dreamed of. I’ll give you the reality that resides as a dream.

  I swear on my life

  I ripped the paper out and ripped it up.

  That was all bullshit.

  The only way I’d be able to give that her was to fight so much and win that my brain would be like mashed potatoes. I could just skip town and find another mechanic job. Or… well… call me fucking crazy, but Finn told me I should do tattoos. I’d always had a knack for drawing and enjoyed it. I kept that hidden, though, because the guys I dealt with were all about muscle.

  “Fuck this,” I whispered.

  I gave up on the letter and pulled myself to my feet.

  The gym was open, dark, quiet.

  My cell phone rested on a weight bench.

  I just needed the damn thing to ring.

  I needed an answer from someone so I could give Pin his answer.