A Boy I Used to Love (A St. Skin Novel): a bad boy new adult romance novel

by London Casey

  “You should get that done on your shoulder,” I said.

  “Really? You can do that?”

  “Not me,” I said, standing up. “Max does. He’s the best portrait artist you’ll ever meet.”

  “I might just do that. Thank you for this.”

  Tess insisted on hugging me. I accepted it and walked her to my door. I shut it and lowered my head.

  It was the first time in my life that tattooing left me feeling empty. I was unsatisfied. Like a junkie who got his high, but it wasn’t the same anymore. Only I couldn’t up my dosage, so to say. Because I was messing with the wrong drug. The tattoo needle and the creation of story on skin was not the same as holding and loving Lacey.

  After the abandoned house burned down and we had our little spat, she was gone. Not far, but gone. I promised to take her back into town. The ride was in silence and when she got out of my truck, she simply looked at me. Her eyes were glazed over with tears. I couldn’t understand what was making her hold back. I wanted to know it all. Her fear, doubts, anger, pain, everything.

  My room in St. Skin suddenly felt small. I took a breath and felt like there was no air. My chest got really heavy, too. I shut my eyes and felt like I was drunk, swaying. The only other time I felt this was the first few days and nights in prison. Being put up in a building with some really tough and rough guys. But I navigated my way through that world. I made the right friends. I did what I had to do to survive.

  I could do the same right now.

  I opened the door and knew I had the luxury of getting fresh air. That was something I didn’t always have when I was in prison.

  I’d rather be in Lacey’s arms, though. That would give me life. True life. A chance to break ourselves open and just let all that past shit go.

  I wandered to the back of the shop and out the door. When I looked left, I saw Axel standing there. And the giant lunk of muscle and ink had a cigarette between his lips and tears in his eyes.

  “Oh, shit,” I whispered. “Axel. Sorry, brother.”

  I grabbed for the door. He turned and put a fist to his eye and groaned. “No, no, wait.”

  “Fuck,” I said. “What’s wrong?”

  He glanced at me. He looked a little defeated, like his tough guy card was going to be taken away.

  “Axel…”

  He took a deep drag of his smoke and then flicked it through the air.

  “My mother is dying,” he said.

  “Shit. No.”

  “She’s been dying for a while,” he said. He cleared his throat. Axel tapped his forehead. “She’s got all kinds of shit wrong with her head. Can’t remember things. Can’t do things. She’s gotten to the point where she’s hurting herself. Everything is shutting down, brother. It’s all going downhill fast here.”

  “Fuck, man,” I said. “I’m really sorry about that. I wish I could say or do something for you.”

  “There’s nothing you can do,” Axel said. “Just keep this between us. Okay? I don’t need my tragedy spread through St. Skin. This is my church here, okay? It’s where I come to feel human.”

  “I had no clue you were going through this stuff.”

  “It happens,” Axel said. “You know, it’s been a wild road for me, River. Divorce. Now my mother. It’s been hard. But I’ll make it through.”

  “I don’t mean to ask dumb questions… but when is she…”

  “Who knows,” Axel said. “I just had to make the call for hospice care. They’ll come and check on her and spend time with her. Monitor her. They showed me the box of shit I keep in the back of her fridge with all the heavy stuff that will ease her when she goes. It just got really real, you know? I don’t know, man. I’m just standing here, thinking about shit. You know, I drew my first picture when I was in kindergarten. I brought it home and showed it to my mother. She rubbed her fingers into my hair and told me how beautiful it was. Then my old man came home from the bar and ripped it up. Smacked me across the mouth and said that drawing was for guys who had a pussy. I had no clue what that meant at the time. My mother took all the pieces and taped them back together. I found that artwork last week up in her attic.”

  I grabbed Axel’s shoulder and squeezed it. “Hey, it’s okay. That means she loves you. And whatever you go through, she loves you. I know you want this quiet, but if there’s anything I can do to help, you let me know.”

  “Thanks, brother. Hey, what’s going on with your past love?”

  “It’s in the past,” I said. “Probably where it belongs.”

  “Fuck. Don’t say that.”

  “There’s ten years between us, Axel. I know that’s a long time but it seems like a lot more when we’re together.”

  “Is she worth it?”

  “Yeah, she is. I’ll tell you something you can’t tell anyone. I would do anything for her. Even if that includes staying away and letting the past fade into the dark.”

  I squeezed Axel’s shoulder again and went back inside the shop.

  I walked to the front and saw Tate standing at the window.

  “Boss, can I ask you something?” I asked.

  Tate looked over at me. “Don’t even call me boss, River.”

  “Tate.”

  “What do you want?”

  “A drink.”

  Tate grinned. “I knew I hired you for a reason.”

  I was four shots and four beers deep and the emotions were swelling inside me like a volcano ready to go. Tate was one of the few who could sit with me and drink in silence. Two men in their own thoughts sharing a little time and booze.

  Her memory couldn’t be chased away with whiskey, beer, or even women. I hadn’t even bothered with trying to pick up a woman, either. Replacing Lacey wasn’t in the cards this time. And right about now was when I’d usually find someone new to start a relationship with. The next person to get sucked into my world and then get hurt in about a year.

  I looked over at Tate and raised my glass.

  He raised his.

  Another shot went down.

  Then he slapped my back and stood up.

  “You’re sitting here, drinking yourself stupid. You’re not saying a word but you’re speaking lots. I’m not an idiot, River. Figure your shit out. Whatever it is.”

  “Where are you going?”

  “I’ve had my fill. Part two of the night is to either fuck or fight. There’s plenty here to do either with. Have a good night, River.”

  Tate took out a hundred-dollar bill and threw down on the bar.

  It was way more than what we had to drink.

  Which meant he wanted me to keep going.

  So, I ordered another shot and another beer.

  I thought about the abandoned house on fire. The smoke, ashes, and the charred wood. The house where Lacey realized she could be a woman. The house where I kept my sanity and kept myself out of trouble.

  I missed her.

  Just being with her for one part of a day was enough to remind me that I was capable of feeling love again. That deep, penetrating, change-your-life kind of love.

  She found the ring in my pocket. She saw the rings I had buried. And she knew I had someone check on her… and that I knew she had been engaged. It hurt that she gave that promise to another man. But she didn’t keep it, right? She wasn’t married. At least I hoped not.

  I lowered my head and stared down into the shot glass.

  Someone was going to have to give my ass a ride home.

  I grabbed the glass and threw it back.

  Then I spotted someone across the bar looking at me.

  She smiled.

  I winked.

  I dare you… because I’m going to break your heart if you try. Because my heart’s broken. And only one person in the world can fix it. One fucking person. One beautiful woman. My…

  Lacey

  PRESENT DAY

  “Lacey.”

  Andrea gave a wave as I shut my car door. “That’s me.”

  “Pleasure to finally meet
you,” she said.

  We shook hands and she led the way into the house.

  Sitting around was not in my cards anymore, so I took a new job. A part-time job. I needed the distraction. I needed to get away from anything that resembled reality. Maybe even fantasy, too.

  “You’re going to meet Bethany,” Andrea said.

  “I read her file,” I said. “I have plenty of experience.”

  “Sure, right. Sorry. I’ve been helping her for the last little bit. But we’re going to be rotating shifts. I’m getting married next week and will be away on a honeymoon.”

  “Well, congrats,” I said. “Wow. That’s great.”

  I smiled but on the inside I was crying. I felt like the petty, jealous friend now. I had been engaged once but that wasn’t right. I could’ve been engaged again…

  My mind flashed the image of all those rings. The rain pounding against the ground. The thunder booming around. River pointing to the ground and showing me all those rings. A ring for each time he showed up and waited for me. And each time he was burying one of those rings I was on a vacation somewhere, trying to bury my guilt for not meeting up with him.

  How did we let things get so fucked up? When he blurted out that he had someone check on me, it crushed my heart. He should have just come himself to save me.

  “You okay?”

  I shook my head. “Sorry. Yeah. Just preparing. The last time I did this… well…”

  “I know,” Andrea said. “It’s the worst part of it. We spend time with them. We comfort them. We know they’re going to go, but when they actually do…”

  I nodded.

  We went into the little house.

  I went to the back bedroom and met a beautiful elderly woman. She was sitting up in her bed. She had white hair that was done up very nicely. The age and wisdom that radiated off of her was instantly addicting to me. I pulled a chair right up to the bed and sat down.

  “Mary,” she said to me. She reached for me.

  I looked at Andrea and gave a nod.

  I took Bethany’s hand. “I’m Lacey. But I’m sure I look just like Mary, don’t I?”

  Bethany grinned. “Oh, heavens. Look at me. I’m sorry. You do look like Mary, though.”

  “Who is Mary?”

  “Oh, she was my best friend. We were such good friends together.”

  “That’s wonderful, Bethany. I’m here to check on you. Is that okay?”

  “Oh, sure. Sure. The house is fine. Andrew came and took care of the toilet. It was running.”

  I smiled. “Good. I’m glad that’s fixed. I’m going to just check on a few things in here, okay?”

  “Are you here to fix the toilet?” Bethany asked.

  I could feel the sting in my heart. You could see her eyes glaze over a little as her mind eased away from reality.

  “No, the toilet is fixed,” I said.

  “Well, I hope Andrew did it. I can’t afford a plumber.”

  “I’m sure he did,” I said.

  I adjusted the bed and slowly got Bethany into a more relaxed position.

  She started to look around the room like she had no idea where she was.

  “Hey, Bethany,” I said. “Want me to call Andrew and ask him?”

  Bethany smiled and reached for my hand. “Mary. I’ve been waiting for you to get back to me.”

  I nodded. “Okay. I’ll be right back.”

  I patted Bethany’s hand and left the room.

  Andrea waited in the hall. She had a somber look on her face.

  “It’s rough,” she whispered. “Hospital doesn’t even want to deal with her anymore. Not to sound mean. But slowly it’s all just shutting down. You did good, though. You definitely have experience. It’s a hard thing to shut your heart off a little, you know?”

  “Oh, I know,” I said.

  I wasn’t referring to Bethany, either.

  In the kitchen, we chatted for a few minutes before I told Andrea she was safe to leave. I had everything under control. I was going to take the morning until Bethany’s son came. Then another hospice nurse would come by. Bethany’s daughter - Ava - was on her way from Virginia to spend whatever time was left.

  The house was finally quiet and as I sat alone, I burst into tears.

  I always got emotional when meeting someone for the first time. Just knowing their fate and knowing I could do nothing to save them was a horrible feeling. But this time it went beyond that. Eventually… well… time was going to put all of us in that position. Some may pass too soon and some may live for a long time. Some may need care. But we were all going to say goodbye to the world someday.

  It made me think of River. We’d already lost ten years. How much more…

  I heard a weak yell from the bedroom. I sprang to my feet and rushed through the house to the bedroom.

  I found Bethany on her side, trying to wrestle the covers off her body.

  “Let me help you,” I said.

  “This is too tight, Mary. I told you I’m fine. Just a little cold.”

  “But you need the rest,” I said. I played along as I eased the blanket off her body. I saw how thin and weak she was and it broke my heart. “Come on, I’ll put something on TV. It’s not even that nice out. You’re missing nothing.”

  “The laundry is piled up. If Harry comes home and the laundry isn’t done… oh, boy, that’s not good.”

  I saw fear spread across her face.

  I crouched down. “Tell you what, Bethany. I’ll do the laundry. Okay?”

  “You’re a good friend.”

  “So are you.”

  She looked out the window. She was very quiet for a few seconds. Then she said, “I hope Andrew fixes that toilet.”

  “I’m sure he will,” I said.

  Outside the bedroom, I heard the sound of a door slamming.

  “There’s your son now,” I said.

  “Andrew. Good. Very good.”

  I left the room and had no idea what to expect.

  When I saw the six-six monster of a man standing in the kitchen, I froze. His arms were covered in tattoos and he looked something out of a motorcycle gang.

  I sucked in a breath and hated myself for judging the guy.

  He looked at me and raised an eyebrow.

  “Sorry,” I said. “I’m the new hospice care nurse here. For your mother. You must Andrew.”

  “And you’re Lacey,” he said.

  “Excuse me?”

  “I’ve seen your picture before,” he said.

  “I’m sorry I don’t…”

  The giant of a man started to laugh. He offered his hand for me to shake and I took it.

  “How do you know…”

  “My mother named me Andrew,” he said. “But everyone calls me Axel. And one of my closest friends is River.”

  It took everything out of me not to fall over.

  River?

  Axel?

  My jaw was dropped.

  “I work at St. Skin,” Axel said. “And wow, you’re the real Lacey.”

  I started to shake my head.

  “How is she today?” he asked me.

  I couldn’t speak.

  “Right,” he said. “I’ll go check on her. You catch your breath.”

  Axel walked out of the kitchen. I grabbed for the counter and turned to face it. I started to breathe heavily. What was happening? How was this happening? How small of a world did I live in? I should have gone east. South. North. I was too close.

  Unless… fate…

  “No,” I whispered.

  I had a job to do here.

  I collected myself and moved from the kitchen.

  Axel was lumbering from the hallway through the living room.

  He stopped dead in his tracks.

  “She seems as good as could be,” I said. “I’m very sorry for what you’re both going through.”

  Axel swallowed hard. “You know, you’re the first person to say that. That it’s both of us.”

  “I understand
the situation,” I said. “I’ve been through this many times. I can promise you I’ll do everything to make her happy and comfortable.”

  “Lacey,” Axel said again. “Interesting.”

  I ignored him. “She kept asking about fixing the toilet.”

  Axel laughed again. “That toilet hasn’t been broken in at least ten years. I fixed it after my father died. He always took care of that shit. I guess that’s her first memory of me after the old man kicked it. Hey, I need a smoke. Why don’t we go out and have a little chat, you and I.”

  “I should stay in here,” I said.

  “No. Lacey, I have some questions. And I have some things to say.”

  I checked on Bethany and she was napping. I really could leave anytime I wanted since Axel was there. I marked down all the paperwork that needed to be done for Bethany and I stepped out to the front porch.

  I caught Axel at the tail end of his cigarette. He tossed it into the front yard and turned to face me. He was as big as River. He looked older than River, though. He was going through some really rough stuff and that went beyond his mother preparing to pass on.

  “So, you’re the one,” he said to me.

  “The one what?”

  “Don’t play games. River keeps to himself for the most part. I’ve tried to cut that guy open for a long time. But I know one thing about him… he loves you. Nothing matters as much as you do. Not a chance in the world with that one.”

  “I’m supposed to be here talking to you about your mother.”

  “There’s nothing you can do,” Axel said. “She’s going. Half the time she thinks I’m her brother. The other half she spends terrified my old man is going to come home and smack her.”

  I gasped. “Wow.”

  “He was a prick. Not worried about him, though. He’s gone. You’re not. River isn’t. Don’t live that life, Lacey. Don’t let regret take away anything good.”

  “A man of wisdom, huh?” I asked.

  “I’ve been through a lot. I’ve seen River and what he does to himself. Forcing himself into some relationship and then, right on cue, he breaks up with her. And then he always leaves for one day. The same damn day.”

  To go to our spot to meet up.

  “Why are you telling me this?” I asked.