Align Ourselves

by Adrianna Schuh

  "Fuck, will you just let me explain?" he asked, following after her.

  "Explain what," she yelled, turning to look at him. She felt like she could hit him. That's how angry she was. "Explain that you- that you've been lying to me the entire time? That you don't give a shit about trust or loyalty as long as you have it? That it doesn't matter how I feel? What I need?"

  "Of course it fucking matters," he yelled back, "But you don't understand. I-I didn't tell you because..."

  "Because, why?"

  "Because at first, I wasn't even sure if it was true."

  "And after that? Why didn't you tell me after that?"

  "Because they aren't like you," he yelled.

  "What the hell does that mean?"

  "Your people. The ones who came here? They aren't...they aren't good people, Aria."

  "Wow," she said, shaking her head at him. "And how would you know? Have you met any of them?"

  "No, and from what I've heard, I don't fucking want to."

  "My mother might be out there," she yelled.

  "I know! I've...I've tried to find her," he said.

  "What? How?" she asked.

  "Aria, when you were on the way here...I found out about the others. That's why the guards went back. I figured- I figured that if I was going to take you guys in, I could take the rest. That's why I wanted to make the alliance. I knew there were a lot more of you. That your people possessed technology and weapons. And numbers. And they needed somewhere to go, I could offer them that. But..." he said, looking away.

  "But what?"

  "Once the guards arrived, two of my men left the group. They went to find your people. I told those men to tell your people that you were here, that you were safe. That they were welcomed. But they never made it back. Eventually, the others couldn't wait anymore, so they came back and told me what happened."

  "But that doesn't mean anything! They could have been killed by anyone or anything."

  "I know," he yelled, angry now. "I fucking know that. But it's very, very unlikely."

  "And why do you say that?"

  "Because of my deal with the Terra. They would have sent your people here, not killed them. Because that’s the deal I made to get you here. They only would have killed them if I had sent you all back at any point. But you stayed, so you’re all under my protection.

  Aria shook her head. She didn’t want it to make sense for him to be able to explain away his deception.

  "But despite that," he said, "I sent another party. Another group went back again, I swear, Aria. I sent them again. And this time, I sent more people. Ten more of my men went to find your people."

  "And?" she asked. She hated herself for feeling a little hopeful.

  "And ten men never came back," he said, his voice cold now.

  "That...that doesn't mean anything," she said. She wasn't sure who she was trying to convince him or herself.

  "That's why I didn't tell you, even at first, because I wanted to protect you. You deserved that, for someone to look out for you for a change. Even before our relationship changed. And now. Now I want to keep you safe even more. And I know it was wrong, but I knew if I told you now, you’d hate me. And I knew you’d want to find them, but they aren't like you. They’re dangerous and " he said, reaching forward to grab her hand.

  She yanked it away.

  "But isn't that what you thought of us, too? Didn't the others fill your head with bad stories about us? And it was nothing like that. You were wrong then. You might be wrong now," she yelled.

  "I'm not wrong," he said. She could tell he was fighting to keep his voice even.

  "You don't know that!"

  "Yes, I fucking do," he yelled, no longer trying to contain his anger. "I fucking know. Based on what I heard about you, I figured that you did what you did to stay alive. But these people aren't like that, Aria. And because they're yours, you won't see that. You won't believe anything you hear because you think they're like you. But they aren't."

  "Well, maybe they're doing the same thing! Just trying to stay alive," she yelled back.

  "Yeah? You think so?" he asked, narrowing his eyes.

  "What?"

  "A group of them, the ones that traveled farther north, slaughtered an entire village a few days after they arrived. Not even a full two weeks later, they did the same thing. Is that something that you and yours did when you arrived?"

  "No-no there...there must be some mistake. They would never-"

  "It's not a fucking mistake. It's the truth. I don’t know why they’re doing this, I really don’t, but they've been causing the Terra many problems. They're considering calling on their armies to kill all of them, Aria. That's how bad it's gotten."

  She sat down on the couch. She felt like her legs had given out.

  In through the nose, out through the mouth. In through the nose, out through the mouth, she silently chanted to herself, willing herself to calm down.

  "I didn't tell you because I knew how it'd make you feel. I’ve been corresponding with the Terra to determine who and where your mother might be based on what they know. I know your mother's name is Katy, so I told my men to find and talk to Katy Diaz and tell her everything. But like I said, they never made it back."

  She put her head in her hands. So not only were her people alive, but they were probably going to get killed by the Terra's armies.

  "You-you have to do something," she said, looking up at him.

  "What else can I do? I'm not...I'm not sending any more of my men to their deaths for people who would do such terrible things."

  "Send one of us! I-I'll go," she said, getting up.

  "What? No fucking way."

  "You can't tell me what to do. If you won't help my people, then I will."

  "Aria, did you hear any of what I just said? Do you really want to help those people?"

  "It's my mother, Lex! She could be out there! And-and even if what you are saying is true- and that's a big if- I know she isn't a part of that!"

  "That may be so, Aria. And I'd like to believe that it isn't true, but what else can I do?"

  "You don't have to do anything. I'll go. My people will go," she said, turning to leave the room. She had to tell the others.

  "Are you serious? Did you forget about the fact that you guys barely made it here the first time? Or the fact that if any of the other Terra see you, they'll kill you?" he asked, moving to stand in her way.

  "Get the hell out of my way Lex," she said, "And no, I didn't fucking forget! But I won't just sit here and let them all die!"

  He sighed. "That's not a good idea," he said, shaking his head.

  "Well, it's the only one I have, so."

  "Fine. I'll send another group," he said, sighing again.

  "You-you will?" she asked, surprised.

  "Well, you aren't giving me much choice. But one of your people should go with them. Maybe hearing things from one of you will be convincing enough. But not you," he said.

  "I'm their leader," she shot back. The last thing she wanted to do was go back there, but she didn't really feel like she had a choice.

  "I know. But I-I don't...I don't trust these people, Aria. And I don't think you should either. But I know you well enough by now to know that nothing I say will make any difference. So I'll give it another try. I'll send another group. But you, you need to stay."

  She didn't feel like giving in. After everything he'd done, the last thing she wanted to do was to give him what he wanted. But again, the more selfish part of her was glad he'd said it. She didn't want to go, not really. And it wasn't about him. It was mostly because she couldn't bear the thought of making that journey again. She was pretty sure that she couldn't handle it. A person could only take so much.

  "Fine. Send someone else," Aria finally said.

  "I will. But Aria...if those things are true, if your people really are that terrible-"

  "Oh my god, we thought the same thing about you, Lex! How the hell can you even say that?"
<
br />   "You know what? Fine," he said, "I'll take your fucking word for it. I hope that I'm wrong. I hope they all are. I hope the others are just like those of you that came here."

  "They are," she yelled. There was no way that the Terra were right. Her people would never do such monstrous things.

  "Okay," he said, finally getting out of her way.

  "But Lex?" she said, looking over at him.

  "Yeah?"

  "I'm only staying for my friends because they’re happy here. I will never forgive you for this," she said, walking out of their bedroom.

  He didn't respond.

  She heard him getting ready for bed as she settled down on the couch.

  Even though he was willing to try again, that he would send another group to look for the others, she was still so, so fucking angry at him. And there was no way that she could ever trust him again.

  But her people needed this place. The others would, too, once they found them. They needed somewhere safe to live. So she would stay. She'd stay married to the king because she needed to. But she would never, ever let herself be fooled by Lex Mills again.

  Chapter 33

  She told her people the next morning. Well, the ones who were still around.

  They were confused, naturally, about why Lex had kept it from them. But Aria didn't tell them about why he had decided to keep the information to himself. She did tell Mara, Martinez, Brent. And Peter, though. They were just as skeptical as she was. There was no way the things Lex had claimed could be true.

  After lunch, he told her that he would be sending another group the next day. A boy from her group, Riley, would be going with them.

  She only nodded in response.

  Yeah, she was staying. Yeah, she was still married to him. But that didn't mean she had to be his friend or anything close to that.

  Days passed. Weeks.

  "I'm sorry," he said one night. She had just crawled into their bed after another long day tutoring kids. She went to her side and turned her back on him, not wanting to hear another apology.

  "Aria, please just talk to me. I really am sorry. I wanted to tell you but-"

  "But nothing," she said. "And don't act like you're sorry. The only thing you're sorry about is finally getting caught."

  It was what he had said to her at the house. She hoped it hurt him just as much as it hurt her all those months ago.

  After that, he tried to apologize a few more times. But once he realized that he wouldn't get anything more than a few nasty words and a scowl in response, he stopped trying.

  Part of her had already begun to miss him and what they had. She wanted to give in. To accept his apology and put it all behind them. He was trying to find the others, after all.

  But the other part found it hard to even look at him.

  She wasn't sure when exactly she'd fallen in love with Lex Mills. But it wasn't like that was important now.

  Love wasn't part of their arrangement. It wasn't a condition.

  It had crept up on her slowly like winter did the fall.

  But now everything was cold.

  "How long do you think it'll take them?" she asked him one night over dinner. She didn't really want to talk to him; they'd been ignoring each other for weeks. "I mean, how long does it usually take?"

  "I don't really know," he said, shrugging. "It was different with you. They brought you across the land; all my people had to do was wait. I don't know for sure how long it will take them to get back, considering your people might be in more than one place."

  "Oh," she said.

  "But if I had to guess, I would say that my people should have reached them by now. The ones closer, anyway. And if they decided to come...they should be here in less than a month."

  She nodded in response.

  The next night, Ben came to visit the palace.

  She told him about what had happened. He seemed a little smug. It kind of made her want to punch him. She asked him again about how he found out, but he never gave her a direct answer.

  The next few weeks pass by agonizingly slowly. Each day, she got up and went to the school. She'd help the teacher with lessons, grade papers, play games with the kids.

  It was a good distraction. A distraction she needed because she grew more and more nervous with each passing day. Had her people been found? Were they on the way? Was there some sort of explanation about where Lex's people had disappeared to?

  She hoped so.

  "Can you blame the guy?" Adrian asked one morning after training.

  "What?" Aria asked. He'd found out, too; they had let him into their inner circle. But unlike the others, he didn't seem as upset.

  "I mean...we all know what they're like, down there. These are people who sent a bunch of kids up here entirely unprepared. None of us were important to them. Would you want those kinds of people here if you were the king?"

  "Not all of them are like that, Adrian. Some of us have friends. Family," Martinez said, "And besides, down there, they didn't have a choice. Our life was restrictive, so we could survive. We only had limited food and supplies. We knew we’d eventually run out, and someone would have to be sent up here."

  “You’re wrong, Shawn. There's always a choice."

  "And when the fuck did you become so enlightened, Adrian?" Martinez asked, clearly moved to anger.

  "Everything I learned," Adrian began, "I learned up here.”

  When she wasn't thinking about her people, she went back and forth with herself regarding her feelings for Lex. She missed him. She hated to admit it, but she missed him.

  She missed his laugh and his smile. She still saw those things, but she was never the source. She was never the person he was smiling at or laughing with. She missed being held at night. They'd gone back to sleeping on opposite sides of the bed.

  She missed reading with him. She missed teasing him. Hell, she even missed fighting with him.

  But whenever she accidentally made eye contact with him or looked up to find him looking at her, she'd be reminded of what he'd done. How he kept something so....so vital from her. And now, she couldn't stop herself from questioning every single thing that had happened between them.

  Someone once told her that love didn't exist without trust, not just romantic love, but family love and friendship. No kind of love was real without trust.

  And she couldn't trust him.

  Some days it was easy. She barely saw him, and by the time he came to their quarters, she was fast asleep.

  On other days, it felt like pure torture. She'd look up and see him watching her from the other side of the room. Or she'd find him reading a book in their room, his eyebrows knitted in frustration as he tried to figure something out. Her heart would skip a beat, and she'd find herself longing for what could have been. What should have been.

  One morning, she woke up, and an unnatural light was coming through the windows. A light she'd never seen before.

  She made her way to the window and looked outside, gasping a little.

  Everything was coated in white. Little specks of white dust were falling from the sky.

  Snow.

  She'd read about snow. Seen the pictures. But none of that did the actual concept of it any justice. It was the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen.

  And it was everywhere. On the ground, on the trees.

  "What are you looking at?" Lex asked from behind her.

  She jumped a little; she hadn't heard him get up. "It's snowing," she said like maybe she was wrong.

  "Oh, wow. Yeah. It's snowing," he said, joining her at the window. "Do you want to go outside?"

  She was a little surprised. It'd been a long time since Lex asked her to do anything other than to pass the wine at dinner.

  A part of her really wanted to say no, hoping to hurt him a little. But she didn't think it would, so she agreed.

  They bundled up in their coats and boots and long-sleeved shirts. At the last minute, he draped a thick red scarf around her neck, and they
made their way outside.

  There was a group of kids playing in the big field behind the palace. Aria had seen them around; they were in the throne room for every single meal. She'd even tutored a few of them, but she wasn't really sure who they were or why they lived at the palace.

  She took a few steps and watched in wonder as her boots sunk into the snow, leaving footprints as she walked. She bent down to touch it.

  Soft.

  She looked up and watched the snowflakes falling from the sky. On an impulse, she opened her mouth and felt a snowflake land and melt on her tongue. She closed her eyes and let a few more land on her face and hair before turning around to look at Lex.

  He'd been watching her, but when she met his gaze, he turned away and looked around, taking the scene in.

  After a while, he went over and talked to the kids for a bit. There were four boys and two girls, and they all seemed pretty young. Probably between the ages of six to ten.

  Eventually, he made his way back to Aria.

  "Who are those kids?" she asked, "How come they live here?"

  "They're...they're orphans."

  "Oh," she said, "I thought you said there was an orphanage in the village where you grew up? That's where the kids were sent?"

  "It was," he said, looking over at the kids again. "After I became king, I moved them here."

  "Oh," she said again. She couldn't think of a better response.

  She looked over at him. His usually tan cheeks were red from the cold. So was the tip of his nose. Snowflakes landed in his dark, curly hair, and for a second, she wanted to run her hands through it.

  She pushed the urge down as she went over to help the kids make something they called a 'snowman,' which really didn't resemble a man at all. It was just three different sized balls of snow with sticks for arms and rocks for eyes.

  As she watched one of the girls place rocks on the snowman's face, giving him a smile, she felt something hit her back.

  It was definitely snow.

  She looked around and noticed that Lex and a few of the other boys were across from Aria and the other kids, making their own snowman. It had to be one of them.

  She turned back to her own snowman, determined that her groups had to look better than Lex's.