Grave Alchemy

by Amanda Armour

  Basil wrinkled his lip, pulled his face away from Skye’s breasts and countered. “I’m not made of plaster.”

  “Okay, then we’ll get you some mortar and hire a stone mason,” I shot back. “Skye is here for the barbecue, not to coddle you.”

  “I have feelings, you know. It would be nice to get some sympathy for a change,” Basil pouted, and looked up at Skye with puppy dog eyes “You’re a witch, aren’t you?”

  I swear Skye’s chest puffed up at that comment. “Yes I am, and I might be able to fix you up. I’m pretty good at fixing things.”

  Noah announced his arrival by bouncing the front door off the wall. He stumbled into the kitchen with his hands full of bags and bottles.

  “Sorry, I tripped,” Noah apologized as he set his packages down. “Is this Basil? I’ve heard all about you. You don’t look too bad.”

  Basil dropped from Skye’s arms and swaggered over to him, his hand extended.

  “Basil, at your service. You’re a reaper?”

  At your service? Really, who did he think he was, a butler?

  “Zoey rescued him,” Skye said, she didn’t realize that Noah had already heard the story. “Natasha attacked him.”

  “I know, Zoey filled me in earlier. I brought you some fish along with the wine,” Noah snickered, waving a bag at me. “I know you like fish. I even brought you a bowl.”

  “What are they; they don’t look like goldfish,” I grimaced as I peeked inside the bag. I shouldn’t have told him about the fiasco at the Bait and Hook Fishery.

  “No idea,” Noah said as he leaned over and sniffed my hair, “Hmm…not too bad now.”

  “What are you doing?” Skye said slapping his shoulder.

  “Are you two a thing?” Basil asked as his eyes darted between Noah and Skye.

  “Oh gross! He’s my cousin.”

  “So you’re available then?” Basil asked, leering at Skye.

  “Yes, but I stick to the human-looking type. Sorry, Basil.”

  “Seriously Basil, get a grip,” I said.

  Basil shrugged his shoulders and looked up at Noah. “Can’t blame a guy for trying. Wait a minute. If Skye’s your cousin, that means you’re a witch too.”

  “Our moms are sisters and my dad’s a reaper. So I’m half and half,” Noah said proudly. “I don’t have Skye’s talent for spells, but I can still kick ass.”

  “Cool. That means you can curse ’em and reap ’em!” Basil exclaimed. “And Annie can plant them. What about your parents, Z? You’ve never mentioned them.”

  That was a sore subject for me. My parents had gone missing when I was seven and Annie was four. Neither their bodies nor souls had been found, and everyone presumed that they were dead. My parents’ will didn’t specify who would look after us, so the council appointed our uncle, Ignatius P. Graveley, as guardian. Uncle Iggy had been a confirmed bachelor, so it must have been a shock for him to become the sole parent of two young girls. He tried hard to be a good father figure, but his controlling nature turned him into more of an authoritarian. The will stated that Annie and I would inherit equal shares of our parents’ estate when we turned eighteen. I didn’t hesitate when it came time to take over the family business and move out of Uncle Iggy’s house. Annie followed close behind as soon as she came of age.

  “What am I supposed to do with goldfish?” I’d purposely evaded Basil‘s question and changed the subject back to fish.

  “I love fish; I’ll get an aquarium for them,” Basil suggested, grabbing the bag from Noah.

  Skye looked confused. “Why are we talking about fish anyway? Did I miss something?”

  “I had to reap a guy in a fish processing plant. The smell was gross.” My nose wrinkled as I remembered the incident. “He thinks it’s funny.”

  “It wasn’t the smell that was funny. It was when you landed in that pile of fish when he groped you.”

  Basil giggled. “She had bits of fish stuck to her when she came into the reaper head office. A tail got stuck on Nasty’s shoe. She didn’t even notice.”

  “Really? I never noticed that.” I shook my finger at him. “You’re lying, aren’t you? That didn’t happen.”

  Basil snickered. “Well, it could have.”

  Skye tried to keep a straight face, but failed miserably. “Nasty. That’s a good one. Who came up with that?”

  “Basil,” I replied and started to laugh, but snorted instead.

  Basil looked at me sideways and giggled. “You just snorted!”

  Noah had us all in stitches when he snorted at Basil. When Skye laughs everything jiggles, which set us off even more.

  Food in hand, we set out to the fire pit down by the beach. The trail through the woods was lit by dancing fireflies. As we neared our destination, the forest opened up to a meadow full of wildflowers. Skye stopped to fill a basket with cornflowers and meadowsweet, before following us down to the beach. Once there, we built a fire from driftwood and dead branches. We settled down on the stumps placed around the fire pit and waited until the flames died down. Basil pushed Noah out of the way and declared himself King of the Pit. I didn’t argue with him, I already knew he was a very good cook.

  “Where is Annie tonight?” Skye asked. “Don’t tell me she has another date?”

  “She’s out with an actor she met in class,” I replied. “Believe it or not, she gave him a perm.”

  “Not the guy with the burned scalp?” Skye almost choked on her food as she tried to stifle a laugh. “I’m surprised he’d want to be anywhere near her, after she fried him.”

  Noah shook his head and winked at me. “He must be a glutton for punishment. I know I’d start running and not look back.”

  Skye was curious about my Oregon trip and wanted more details. I told her everything, including the flight home. But I left out fight between Bella and Basil; I didn’t need him going on and on about how she didn’t get paid.

  Skye’s eyes hardened. “I can’t believe she actually hit him, what a piece of work. Do you want me to curse her?” she asked as she turned to Basil with a smirk.

  Basil bounced on the stump and rubbed his hands in glee. “Ooh! You do that? Can you make her ears fall off or grow a tail? How about warts on her face—the huge ones that look like brains? Or we could burn down her house.”

  “I won’t sink to her level; we need to do something a little more subtle.” Skye glanced at Noah and smiled. “I was thinking along the lines of a rash.”

  “A rash is a good idea, since we can’t burn down her house,” Noah agreed.

  Skye and Noah glanced at each other giggling,—I knew exactly what they were going to say.

  “Poison ivy!” They spoke simultaneously while bumping fists.

  Tapping his upper, lip Basil wondered aloud, “Can you make it leak pus? It could run down her face and get in her eyes.”

  Noah cringed and curled his lips. “That’s disgusting, Basil.”

  “Can you actually cast a spell long distance?” I asked. I wasn’t sure why, but I assumed that for spells to be effective, they had to be cast close to the person in question.

  Basil’s chin jutted forward, and he flicked his fingers at me. “You don’t know much about witchcraft, do you?”

  “That’s probably because I’m not a witch,” I said, crossing my arms and glaring at Basil. “Do you like living here?”

  Basil wrapped his tail around his legs and slumped down. “Um…it’s basic witchcraft, you should know the basics. I can teach you. And yes, I like it here.”

  “If I wanted to learn, I’d ask a witch. Are you a witch?”

  Why did he think that I should know basic witchcraft? I couldn’t see how it would be relevant to my line of work. And as for him teaching me…well that’s not going to happen.

  It was time we changed the topic, enough about curses and Natasha.

  “I’m getting my eyes checked first thing tomorrow. I misread a pickup time today,” I confessed.

  Noah poked the fire, making the embe
rs fly. “That’s strange because I missed a soul today too. I was sure it was for 10:58 but when I checked the scroll again, it was 10:53. My vision is 20/20, so I thought I just read it too fast.”

  “Well, I only had three pick ups today and the last one was for 3:21. I was happy because it meant I could have lunch at Silvers—I love their roasted pumpkin fries. When I got to the house, it was surrounded by police cars, so I had to go in cloaked. I looked everywhere, but the soul was gone. Turns out I had reversed the time. You know what’s really strange though? A reaper in Oregon, Lars, lost four souls and blamed it on the scrolls. Walter didn’t believe him; he was sure Lars made it up. Looks like he was telling the truth after all. Which means, we have a big problem.”

  Noah stroked his chin. “Sam’s working in the scroll department now, I’ll ask him to look into it. I’ll go see him tomorrow and let you know what I find.”

  “And I guess I’d better let Uncle Iggy know what’s been happening.”

  “Hey, how about we tell spooky ghost stories? I know some fantastic ones!” Basil piped up.

  “Really? You’re sitting with witches and reapers, and you want to tell ghost stories?” I asked, sweeping my arm toward Noah and Skye.

  “I’ve always wanted to sit around a campfire and tell stories. It’ll be fun.”

  “Oh, please,” Skye said, “It’ll be like old times.”

  We spent the rest of the evening laughing at the old stories that used to scare the pants off us. After a while, Basil decided that our stories were the lamest he’d ever heard, and retreated to the attic to watch a Friday the 13th marathon.

  Chapter 5

  Bella was in the kitchen singing her heart out while making pancakes and frying bacon.

  “Morning, you look happy today. Basil must be keeping out of your hair,” I mumbled.

  “He’s behaving himself. Surprisingly, he’s quite good company. We watched a marathon on TV last night.” Bella smiled as she the flipped pancakes onto a plate.

  “Glad to hear you’re getting along,” I said as I stuffed my face with the fluffy cakes. “I didn’t hear the TV last night, must have been dead to the world.”

  Bella grinned, “Ha ha. What a card. We were in the attic, so you wouldn’t have heard it.”

  I’d helped haul Basil’s luggage up to the attic the night we arrived home, but I hadn’t been up there since. Annie had done a great job of setting it up, but I didn’t remember seeing a TV.

  “He didn’t move our TV up there, did he? I’m going to go and check. Breakfast was great, thanks.”

  Bella turned to the sink to wash the dishes, she was looking a little more translucent than normal. I headed up to check out Basil’s domain, after checking that the TV was still in the great room. I didn’t bother knocking and pushed open the door. The attic had transformed from a cluttered space filled with our cast-off furniture, into a spectacular man cave complete with a huge flat screen TV, speakers and sectional sofa. Basil was sitting at a teak desk browsing the internet on a huge iMac.

  “Where did you get all this stuff? It must have cost a fortune. And how did you get it in here without me knowing?” It was astonishing. How he had accumulated so much stuff, in such a short time?

  “The internet is really cool, you just find what you want and order it,” Basil stated, matter-of-factly. “I’m surprised you don’t know that.”

  “How did you pay for it? And how did you get it up here?” I asked as my anger grew.

  “Your credit card, but the delivery was extra.”

  “My credit card! First the airplane and my points, now this! Are you trying to bankrupt me?”

  “Chill out, I’ll pay for it as soon as Stanley’s will clears probate. He made me the sole heir to his estate,” Basil replied calmly.

  “You’re going to give me a heart attack. Please let me know before you buy anything else.” I flopped onto the new leather sectional and raised the foot rest. “This is really comfortable. I’ll have to spend more time up here.”

  “Then I guess you should know that I ordered an iPad and the new iPhone,” Basil said as he turned on the TV.

  “That looks like a British channel.”

  “Yeah, the satellite gets every channel in the world.”

  “Oh my god,” I groaned and shook my head. “Are you serious? Stanley better have been really rich.”

  “He was,” Basil replied offhandedly.

  “So I hear you and Bella are getting along now? She said you watched a marathon last night.”

  “Did you know that we can get YouTube on the TV,” Basil replied, more of a statement than a question.

  “You watched Friday the 13th on YouTube?”

  “No, but it was boring, so we switched to Fantasy Island. Did you know they have all the episodes?”

  “Yeah, I watched that last year.”

  “I like Tattoo the best.”

  “He does look a bit like you.”

  “He does not, he’s just short. And no one takes him seriously. That part’s like me.”

  I sighed and got to my feet, “I have to get to work, try not to spend any more of my money today…please. I’ll see you later.”

  “Can I come? I’d like to see you in action,” he responded, hopping off the chair.

  “I work alone. There’s not much to see.”

  “I won’t get in the way. I promise.”

  “Basil, you can’t come. No one will take me seriously if I have a talking dog with me.”

  “I can be any animal you like: cat, bunny, ferret. Well, maybe not a ferret, too much like a rodent. I like being a bunny, everyone cuddles you.”

  “No. You can’t keep your mouth shut, so that won’t work.”

  “I know, I’ll be a parrot, a Macaw specifically. Macaws can talk—I’ll be your lookout.”

  “Great, and a parrot isn’t subtle at all. Anyway, I thought you might want to check out the barn and the woods today.”

  “You have a barn? Why do you think I’d like a barn? I’m not a farmer. I want to go. You can’t make me stay.”

  “Basil, you’re acting like a child. Stay home and explore or watch TV.”

  “But I want to go with you,” Basil whined.

  “Don’t care. Do as you’re told or I’ll send you back to Oregon,” I threw the threat over my shoulder as I headed to the door. He was kind of cute and it was an empty threat, but he didn’t need to know that.

  I grabbed my jacket on the way out and put my wallet in the pocket. When it didn’t go in all the way, I realized that I had forgotten about the brooch I’d found in the forest. It was still caked in soil; I’d have to clean it when I get back.

  I’d just turned out of the driveway when a voice behind me said, “So, where to first?”

  I screamed, slamming on the brakes so hard that Basil almost flipped into the front seat. “Jeez. What are you doing?”

  “Are you sure you’re in the right line of work? You’re kinda nervy,” Basil smirked at me. He’d squeezed himself into the compartment behind the seats. “I could stay home and spend more money.”

  “Now you’re blackmailing me? What did I ever do to deserve you?”

  Oddly enough, my first four pick ups didn’t even blink when I arrived with a parrot on my shoulder. In fact, they were actually intrigued by him and happily went on their way.

  “What do they pay you the big bucks for? This job is a no brainer.”

  “I never said it was hard. It’s messy sometimes though; not everyone dies in their bed.”

  “You haven’t had a messy one. You just flick that scepter and they’re on their way.”

  “You haven’t seen them when they don’t want to go. They don’t believe a thing I say.”

  “You can’t force them, so you try to convince them?”

  “We only force the ones going to hell.”

  “Oh, so it’s just the good ones that argue?”

  “Sometimes; mostly they ramble on about their family. It’s hard not to listen, an
d occasionally, their stories are really interesting.”

  My last call was for Howard Dixon. We arrived at his warehouse right on time and entered through the office door. No one was around and all the lights were off. It was the middle of a work day, so it was rather odd.

  “Howard. Where are you?” I called out. We heard thumping coming from behind a door at the back of the office, so we headed that way.

  “This could be dangerous,” Basil whispered. “You better let me go first.”

  “Don’t be silly, it’s just a warehouse full of kitchen and bathroom fixtures. Besides, Howard’s dead, and it was an accident, not murder.”

  I opened the door and walked in to a dusty warehouse lined floor to ceiling with pallet racks. I was searching for the body when we ran smack into a very much alive Howard.

  “Can I help you?” he asked

  “Umm…”

  “That’s a cute parrot, but we’re closed for the day…How did you get in?”

  “Through the door—it wasn’t locked.” This had to be a mistake, I couldn’t tell him that he was supposed to be dead, crushed by a falling pallet. “Sorry, I thought I heard someone call for help and came to look.”

  “Really. I didn’t hear a thing, but I’ve been busy doing inventory.”

  “Well, we’ll just go then. Bye,” I said as I turned to leave.

  “What was it you wanted? We mostly sell to wholesalers, but I have some older stock that you can look at.”

  “I don’t…”

  “Follow me,” Howard said as he walked toward a row of toilets.

  “We have them in blue, black, beige and boring white.” Howard stated before pointing at a sink on an upper shelf. “And these sinks are last year’s models. Everyone loves the farmhouse sinks. How about this one?”

  I’d had passing thoughts about remodeling the kitchen—it was functional but not very pretty.

  “I do kinda like that one,” I said, running my hand over the sink. “How much is it?”

  “I can let you have it for a sixty percent discount.”