Nowhere to Hide

by Kim Sigafus

  Melissa gritted her teeth and, with a growl, marched back into the bedroom and slammed the door. Jessie sighed and worked on quieting down the toddler in her arms.

  A few moments later, Jessie could hear sobbing coming from Melissa’s bedroom, and she took a step toward it. She stopped and glanced back at the outside door, which was still swinging in the breeze.

  She turned around and headed for it. Autumn needed her more. She just hoped she could find her.

  CHAPTER

  6

  Nothing Is Solved by Running Away

  Autumn sat hunched over in a big brown wooden fort at the playground down the block from her house. There were several steps leading up to the platform where she was hiding, and she huddled against one of the four enclosed walls with her eyes closed.

  She was never going home. She hated it there and was tired of her mother. Jessie was there now, she reasoned, and she could handle things while her mother fell apart.

  Starting to shiver, she pulled her arms out of her sweatshirt and hugged herself for warmth. She didn’t know what to do now that she had left. She had no food or money and nowhere to go. She started to cry softly, afraid someone would hear her and try to take her back home … or worse, try to hurt her in some way.

  Eventually she fell asleep. She woke up several hours later when she heard someone calling her name. It was her mother.

  “Autumn! Can you hear me?”

  Autumn didn’t know what to do. She was torn between staying where she was and answering the frantic call of her mother. She bit her lip and stayed put.

  Autumn’s mother started to cry as she called out again.

  “Autumn, please. If you can hear me, answer me.”

  Autumn stayed where she was and didn’t answer.

  Autumn’s mother sat down on the platform below Autumn and sighed.

  “She’s gone. I’ll never find her. She could be anywhere. What was I thinking hitting her like that? I’ve never hit anyone in all my life. But I’m so angry. I’m angry Tom left, I have no money even though I’m working two jobs, and I have no time for myself. I just don’t know what to do.”

  She started crying again, and Autumn bit her lip. She wanted to run down the stairs and fling herself into her mother’s arms, but she couldn’t be sure her mother wouldn’t hit her again. Her cheek still stung from the hard slap she had given her. And what if she got mad at her for hiding right next to her and not coming out right away? No, she didn’t trust her. She had to stay hidden.

  All was silent after a few minutes, and Autumn wondered if her mother had left. She reached up and peered out through a little space between the wood and saw her aunt coming toward them. She quickly dropped back down and waited.

  “No sign of her over there,” Jessie said. “Come on. We need to take Sam home and call the police.”

  “The police!” Autumn mouthed quietly. She never considered they would have to do that. She shifted quietly in her place in the fort.

  “The police? Why would we do that?” asked her mother.

  “Melissa, you’re not thinking clearly. It’s getting dark out here. Then she’ll be alone and possibly lost in the dark.”

  “Oh, no. You’re right. I guess I thought we would have found her by now.”

  Autumn heard her mother get up from the platform.

  “They’re never going to find her,” she said, starting to cry. “She could be long gone by now.”

  “I don’t think so.”

  “You don’t?”

  “Nope. I think she’s somewhere nearby.”

  “Really? Why do you think that?”

  “She has no money, and she’s probably getting hungry by now. I bet she heads home real soon. Maybe she’s already there.”

  “Let’s get back then.”

  Autumn heard her mother start to walk away.

  “I’m right behind you,” said Jessie.

  There was a moment of silence, and then Jessie spoke up again.

  “I saw you, Autumn, peeking out from the fort. It’s time to go home. Nothing can be solved by running away.”

  Autumn dropped her face in her hands and didn’t answer.

  “Okay, Autumn. I’m heading home now. If you choose to come back, I’ll make sure your mother doesn’t hit you again.”

  Autumn heard her turn and walk away. She sat for several minutes trying to decide what to do. Then, realizing again she had no food or money, she stood up slowly.

  Her legs felt cramped, and for a moment she just stood there. She could barely see the walls now. It was time to go.

  Autumn crawled down from the fort and started walking home. She was several blocks away and needed to hurry, as the light was starting to fade. She hesitated outside her house, then opened the door and stepped inside her living room.

  Jessie had told Melissa that she saw Autumn at the playground and had talked to her. Melissa wanted to run back to the playground, but Jessie had told her to wait. It had to be Autumn’s decision to return, and as hard as that was to hear, Melissa knew she was right. If she went barging down there, she could scare her daughter, and Autumn might run away where she’d never find her. They decided to give Autumn an hour before they called the police. It was the longest hour of Melissa’s life, and a great lesson in trust.

  Autumn stood just inside the door, unsure of what reception she would get from her mother. Melissa stayed on the couch, and Jessie stood by the picture window watching. She would protect Autumn at all costs, but she was pretty sure she wouldn’t need to.

  Mother and daughter stood staring at each other, and for a moment no one spoke. Then Autumn closed the door behind her and walked into the room. She glanced at her mother and then at her aunt before walking across the room and disappearing into her bedroom, shutting the door. Melissa went to stand up, but Jessie motioned her to stay still.

  “But …”

  Jessie shook her head, and Melissa went still again.

  A little while later, Melissa put Sam to bed. She paused just outside Autumn’s bedroom door.

  Jessie saw the worried look on Melissa’s face and got up and went to her in the hall. She nodded, and together they entered Autumn’s bedroom.

  She was curled up facing the wall, with her back to the two women. Melissa sighed and sat down on Jessie’s bed. Jessie remained standing but quietly shut the door behind them.

  Melissa glanced at Jessie, who nodded, and she turned back to speak to Autumn.

  “I’m so sorry, Autumn. You are the most precious thing to me, and I hurt you.”

  There was no response, and Melissa frowned, glancing up at Jessie again. Jessie gestured that she should continue, and Melissa turned back to her daughter reluctantly. She didn’t know what to say.

  Jessie patted the place over her heart and nodded, and Melissa spoke again.

  “I’m in a lot of pain because your dad left us,” she said, shifting on the bed. “I guess I took it out on you. I made you do everything around here while I felt sorry for myself. That was wrong, and I’m sorry for that.”

  She hesitated and then went on.

  “I just don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t seem to move on. Your dad has been gone for a while now, and I’m stuck in this black hole. I wish …”

  Her voice trailed off and then she went silent. Autumn turned over to stare at her mother.

  “What do you wish?” she asked softly, and tears filled her mother’s eyes.

  “I wish so many things,” she whispered. “I wish I was a better mother. I wish I could handle all this better. I wish I hadn’t hit you.” Tears fell from her eyes, and she looked down at the floor, ashamed now.

  “I’m so sorry,” she said, and Autumn got up and wrapped her arms around her.

  “Me too,” she said. “I shouldn’t have said all those things to you.”

  “No, you were right. Everything you said was true,” replied her mother, wiping her tears away. “I just didn’t want to hear them.”

  Autumn closed
her eyes and pulled her mother closer. Her mother buried her face in Autumn’s hair.

  “You look so much like your father,” she said. “Every time I look at you I see him.”

  Autumn opened her eyes to see Jessie watching her. She nodded at Autumn, and put a hand to her heart. Then she turned and quietly left the room.

  CHAPTER

  7

  The Jingle Dress

  The following week, things were going better at home and at school. Jessie was in the living room playing with Sam when Autumn came home on Friday. She patted the place beside her on the floor.

  “Come talk with me,” said Jessie. “I feel like it’s been forever since we had some girl talk.”

  Autumn set her book bag down and plopped herself on the floor next to Sam. He smiled and reached out a chubby hand to give her a toy dinosaur.

  “I am so glad it’s Friday,” said Autumn, reaching out and taking the toy. “I have no homework, and I plan to sleep in tomorrow.”

  “So that’s your plan for the whole weekend?” teased Jessie. “You’re going to sleep your life away?”

  Autumn laughed and shook her head. “No, I’ll just sleep in a few hours on Saturday.”

  “And then what?”

  “I haven’t figured that out yet.”

  “I have a suggestion.”

  “What?”

  “How would you like to help me sew some beadwork on something?”

  Autumn shook her head. “I don’t sew very well.”

  “You don’t sew very well yet,” corrected Jessie. “You just need practice.”

  “Oh, I don’t know …”

  “Come on,” replied Jessie, picking up a yawning Sam. “It will be fun.”

  She stood up and smiled down at Autumn.

  “I’ll put your brother to bed for his nap, and you and I will go in and take a look at what has to be done.”

  “Okay. I guess so.”

  Autumn stood up and headed to her bedroom. Jessie joined her a moment later after shutting Sam’s door.

  Jessie went to her dresser drawer and pulled out a piece of beadwork she had finished. It was a red flower with green leaves. Autumn thought it was beautiful and told her aunt so.

  Jessie smiled. “Thanks. Now hang on while I get the garment I’m working on.”

  She headed for the closet, humming a little, and Autumn smiled in spite of herself. When Jessie turned around, Autumn saw a simple red dress with long sleeves. It was made out of cotton. It didn’t look like much, but she wasn’t about to say that and hurt her aunt’s feelings.

  Jessie saw her skeptical look and chuckled.

  “It doesn’t look like much right now, but when I get it all done, it will be beautiful.”

  “It looks a little short for you,” replied Autumn.

  Jessie nodded. “It is.” She gave Autumn a little smile. “I’m making it for you.”

  “Me?”

  “Yes. It’s a Jingle Dress.”

  Autumn’s breath caught in her throat. “A Jingle Dress? Like the one in the play at school? You know, the one I was going to try out for but changed my mind?”

  “Yes.”

  “But why are you making it for me?”

  “I thought maybe you would like to learn the dance.”

  “Me? Oh, I don’t dance very well.”

  Jessie shrugged. “Every Native girl should have a dress to dance in. I will teach you the steps. They’re easy.”

  “But why would I want to learn?” asked Autumn. “It’s not like I can go to the school dance with these moves.”

  Jessie laughed. “Probably not. But they will come in handy when you do the school play.”

  Autumn sat down in her bed cross-legged and put her chin in her hands.

  “I’m not trying out for the play.”

  “Why not?”

  “Well, I can’t say my s’s and people laugh at me. And learning the script would take forever with my dyslexia.”

  “So?”

  “So?”

  “So what?”

  “Well, it would be too hard for me …”

  “Life is hard, Autumn. You can’t be afraid to get out of your comfort zone once in awhile.”

  Autumn shook her head.

  “Oh, come on. I will help you. So will your mother.”

  “She doesn’t have the time.”

  “Yes, she does, and she would be so excited to see you in the play.” Jessie stopped a moment to think and then added, “Maybe I could call your dad and see if he would like to come too.”

  “Really? Do you think he would?” Autumn sat up and slid off the bed, going over to her aunt. “I haven’t seen him in ages.” She glanced away a moment. “I … I thought maybe he didn’t like me anymore.”

  “Oh, Autumn.” Jessie sighed, putting the dress down on her bed. “This has nothing to do with you, honey. Your mom and dad are having some issues right now. Your father loves you very much.”

  “How do you know?”

  “He told me when I called him last night.”

  “You talked to him last night? What did he say? Did he ask about me?”

  “He did. I told him things were going better for you at school.”

  “He knew about that?” Autumn sat back down on the bed. “I bet he thinks I’m a real loser.”

  “Why on earth would he think that?”

  “People only bully the weirdos.”

  “I was bullied, and I’m not weird.” Seeing Autumn’s frown, she added, “Well, not that weird.”

  Autumn grinned. “You were bullied?”

  “Yes, and that’s why I have no time for people like Sydney. She hasn’t been bothering you, has she?”

  Autumn shook her head.

  “Good. Sometimes talking to bullies about their behavior makes it worse.”

  “I think you made an impression on her.”

  Jessie grinned. “I hope so.” She walked over to pick up the dress again. “So … wanna help me get this finished?”

  “I guess so,” Autumn replied reluctantly. “But I’m not sure about the play.”

  “When are tryouts?”

  “Next Tuesday.”

  Jessie nodded. “Well, in any case, let’s get going on the dress. It all has to be hand sewn, you know. There are three hundred and sixty-five jingles to be sewn on there as well.”

  “Wow! I didn’t know that. I don’t know how I can help.”

  “I said I would teach you all that.”

  “What if I don’t try out for the play?”

  “Then I will take you to a pow wow.”

  “I do remember going to one of those when I was younger. I loved watching the pretty ladies in their regalia. They were so beautiful.”

  “And you will be, too, in your regalia.”

  Just then Sam started to cry, and with a sigh, Jessie put away her sewing.

  Autumn smiled as she followed the older woman out of the room. For the first time in a long while, she had something to look forward to.

  CHAPTER

  8

  Learning the Dance

  Monday came along and Autumn nervously approached her teacher after school to ask her about auditioning for the play. Miss Jergens was directing the show this year.

  “I think that’s great that you want to audition,” her teacher said. “I think you would do a wonderful job.”

  Autumn looked down at her feet. “What about my speech problems? I can’t say an s right. And with my dyslexia, I will have problems reading the script and memorizing.” She sighed. “Maybe I should just forget about it.”

  “Now, Autumn, you can do anything you set your mind to. I believe in you.”

  “You do?”

  “Of course. I can spot talent, too. I bet there’s a part for you in the play. Now, I want to see you at auditions tomorrow, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  Autumn went home and told Aunt Jessie about her conversation with the teacher.

  Aunt Jessie nodded. “See? You�
�re the only one who doesn’t think you can do it.”

  “I guess.”

  “Look how well you can sew, and you didn’t know it. I bet you can act too. There’s no limit to what you can do if you set your mind to it.”

  Autumn look down at the neat little stitches she was doing. Her aunt was working on sewing the jingles on the dress, and Autumn had sewn the beadwork on. The dress no longer looked plain. It was starting to look like the beautiful regalia that she had seen dancers wear. She was excited she, too, had something she could dance in when Jessie took her to a pow wow.

  “I still don’t know the dance,” she reminded her aunt, and Jessie smiled.

  “I will teach you tonight.”

  “Do you really think I can get the steps down?”

  “Yes. It is a fairly simple dance, as long as you can feel the beat of the drums.”

  “Feel the beat?”

  Jessie stopped sewing a moment and closed her eyes. “The drums are like a heartbeat—thump, thump, thump. If you close your eyes, you can almost feel it keeping time with your heart.”

  Autumn closed her eyes as Jessie talked. She could almost feel the rhythm of the drums echoing in her chest.

  She opened her eyes and smiled. “Did Dad know how to do this dance?”

  Jessie shook her head. “This is a dance for girls only. Do you know the story of the Jingle Dress?”

  “No.”

  “The traditional way to do the dance is the dancers never cross their feet and they never dance backward. They also never complete a circle.”

  “I see.”

  “The footwork is light and bouncy too.”

  “So they jump around?”

  Jessie laughed. “Not quite.”

  “So they move forward the whole time?”

  “More or less. So let me tell you the story. Around the time of the First World War, a young Ojibwa girl became very sick. It was thought she might have had Spanish influenza. Her father was afraid she was going to die, so he looked for a vision that would save her. He had a dream in which he saw the dress and the instructions for how to sew it. In the dream he was told that the steps would need to be spring-like, keeping one foot on the ground at all times. He sewed the dress and then asked his daughter to dance in it. She kept dancing until she started to feel better and was no longer sick.”