Encyclopaedia of Hell: An Invasion Manual for Demons Concerning the Planet Earth and the Human Race Which Infests It
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EXTORTION (ĕks tôr shən) n. See Insurance.
Peephole to Pain
EYE (ī) n. That which facilitates human blindness.
f, F (ĕf) n. Letter which begins those qualities at which Mankind excels: Fear, Failure and Filth.
FABLE (fā bəl) n. A fabulous tale commissioned by Earth governments and transformed into historical fact.
FACE (fās) n. 1. A creased hood of skin which drapes over the human skull and caricatures the bulbous gore of the human brain. 2. That which a human cannot look at in a mirror without unbearable embarrassment. 26 See Ornamentation.
Human Slave Camp
FACTORY (făk tər ē) n. An edifice in which human slaves work hand in hand in the production of poisons, weapons and plastic vomit.
26 NOTE BY LLU CIPHER: Humans are known throughout the Cosmos as the only creatures who cannot look into their own eyes without cringing.
Human Faith: Spiritual Belief That Enemies Will Die
FAITH (fāth) n. The firm belief that a human’s friends will live in eternal happiness, and that his enemies will die in torment. See Religion.
FAITH HEALING (fāth hēl ĭng) n. An effective healing of an overweight wallet owned by the terminally ill.
Organic Torture Chamber
FAMILY (fă mə lē) n. An organic torture chamber in which the victims are shackled together by chains of blood type. See Father, Mother.
FARCE (färs) n. The play of Mankind performed on the tacky dinner theater of Earth.
Headquarters for Dismemberment
FARM (färm) n. A slaughterhouse in a pastoral setting.
FASCISM (fă shĭ zəm) n. The terrorizing of the poor by either the cowardly machine guns of right-wing death squads, or the cowardly bombs of left-wing death squads.
Genitalia Covering
FASHION (fă shən) n. 1. That which is desperate to make Bags of Gore sexually desirable. 2. The Beast of Conformity, generally effected through the Agency of homosexual males, which dictates what manner of cloth or plastic the human populace must scurry after this month to wrap around their despised genitalia.
COMMENTARY BY LILITH
The Lure of Fashion is irresistible to the preening poltroons of Earth, for their Supreme Ugliness leaves them no bearable recourse save covering their bony hideousness in fashion wear. Thus humans in their infantile skulls imagine a Cosmic Fashion Show in which an omniscient Mascaraed Eyeball judges the jejune jutting of their genitalia.
In reality, of course, no Intelligent Entity would ever deign to glance twice at the spastic perambulations of these ridiculous creatures, never mind give a deuce what mottled rags they tie over their ghastly, pus-speckled groins.54 See Homosexual; Lingerie; Negligee; Nakedness.
FATALISM (fā təl ĭ zəm) n. A Philosophy which the sunny, doe-eyed optimist adopts while weeping and clicking a broken nurse button in the Hospital Ward for the Terminally Ill. See Atheism; Death; Faith; Insurance Agent; Lie; Optimism.
* NOTE BY LILITH: While it is true that humans attach cloth to their appendages to impress each other, the deeper motive is more telling: that Humanity loathes itself with such intensity that it must shamefully hide itself from the Cosmos which, if exposed to its awfulness, may, in the paranoid Mind of Man, obliterate it utterly.
Fatherhood
FATHER (fä thər) n. In a family, that which beats the child and soils the mother. See Family; Marriage.
FAT (făt) n. A deformity of the rich, who yearn for the skeletal biceps of the poor.
FAVOR (fā vər) n. That which, when desired by a friend, makes him an enemy.
FEAR (fîr) n. In the restaurant franchise of religion (the dining rooms of which are known as churches), Fear is offered up as their most Delicious Delicacy.
FEMINISM (fĕ mə nĭ zəm) n. The wish of the purse to be the coin.
COMMENTARY BY LILITH
It is surprising that creatures as idiotic as humans could, in this single instance, be vaguely perceptive. For the gender-based inequities of Hell are persistent and controversial realities which the largely male Executives of Hell refuse to address, may they rot in White Light.
In Earth-Density, however, the Inquisitive Demon will notice that there is so little biological or psychological difference between male and female that the existence of feminism as an issue among humans is indeed puzzling. The mutated clitoris of the male, known as a penis (q.v.) and the under-developed penile urethra of the female, known as a vagina (q.v.) may be plainly seen by even the most unperceptive fool as precisely the same organ with minor developmental differences.
Furthermore, the sloppy sexual identity of the entire Human Race, with its vast and demented permutations of hetero- and homo-sexuality, is so vague and inexact as to make the issue of feminism, the Reasonable Demon would think, a moot point.
Thus the existence of inequities between these near-indistinguishable, and thus sexless, human sexes remains a mystery in the minds of Demon anthropologists to this day.55
Arsenal Separator
FENCE (fĕns) n. That which separates two neighbors’ arsenals of weapons. See Carpenter; Neighbor; Yard.
FERRIS WHEEL (fĕ rĭs wēl) n. See Merry-Go-Round.
FETISHISM (fĕt ĭsh ĭ zəm) n. Ultimately, the perverse, erotic affection humans have for their own inane existence.
COMMENTARY BY BELIAL
The Demon Epicure, when hunting for a human suitable as a main course, should take the time to seek out a human fetishist who constantly wears tight rubber underwear. The rubber underwear fetishist, although rare, is renowned for the ripe lusciousness of its liver and pancreas, as a result of constant compression by rubber.
It is recommended that the hungry Demon, if lucky enough to actually find a rubber underwear fetishist, should immediately rip out the torso, peremptorily pull out the liver sac and pancreas and eat them raw.56
FETUS (fē təs) n. That which, in the interests of common decency, should be summarily flushed. See Monster.
FEVER (fē vər) n. That which a Demon experiences after eating an uncooked Frenchman.
FICTION (fĭk shən) n. 1. A book which discusses human ethics. 2. Human knowledge.
FIGUREHEAD (fĭ gyər hĕd) n. On a ship, the dummy pointing the way for a ship; in a democracy, the president pointing the way for a corporation.
FILM (fĭlm) n. Millions of dollars spent to facilitate covert acts of fellatio.
Film Producer Calibrating Brainwashing Machine
FILM PRODUCER (fĭlm prə dū sər) n. Illiterate grifter who brainwashes Mankind for money. See Imbecile; Moron.
FILIBUSTER (fĭl ĭ bŭs tər) n. In human scripture, the monotonous monologue of their Needy God who requires human worship.
FILTH (fĭlth) n. That which every human, at one time or another, grovels in.
FINANCE (fī năns) n. The manipulation of pieces of paper printed with the faces of criminals. See Gold Standard.
COMMENTARY BY AHRIMAN
Earth-Density’s demented practice of printing “money” with nothing of value to back it up is the laughing-stock of the financial district of Hell. That humans actually take their play money seriously would be pathetic, were it not for the vaguely redeeming fact that they pay trillions of dollars a year on their addiction to drugs, prostitution, gambling and religion.
Presidential Penis Controller
FIRST LADY (fûrst lā dē) p. 1. The Earth’s most celebrated vagina. 2. Female who vicariously rules Earth by controlling the Presidential Penis. 3. The Power Pussy which hatefully diffuses the President’s need for a nuclear orgasm. See X-Chromosome .
FIRST LADY’S BUTTOCKS (fûrst lā dēz bŭ təks) n. See Tattoo.
Hypnotic Aid for Mass Killing
FLAG (flăg) n. A colorful hypnotic aid to mesmerize soldiers into massacring humans with less weapons. See Patriotism.
Demonic Hellcraft Series Mark V, Designed by Lord Satan
COMMENTARY BY AHRIMAN
In Earth Environs, a.k.a. the Moron Density, human children are brainw
ashed from birth to bow down to and worship scraps of cloth hanging from sticks. A rule of thumb: the more colorful and elaborate the flag, the more impotent is the scabrous nation it represents.
COMMENTARY BY BEHEMOTH
Often Demon Chefs serve human soldiers fried and wrapped in their flags as appetizers called Patriot Burritos. See Invasion Manual Section 8: “On Eating Humans”.
FLAGELLANT (flă jĭl ənt) n. A human idiot who believes that if he tortures himself, he will no longer be tortured by a Mythic God. See Fetishism; Torture; Whip.
FLESH (flĕsh) n. n. A cutrate suit of gore clothing the naked human skeleton. See Abdomen; Chain of Eating; Food; Guts; Human Being; Meat; Skeleton.
Spiritually Evolved Maggot
FLY (flī) n. 1. An angelic maggot. 2. The symbol of Humanity’s ultimate evolution. See Maggot.
FLYING SAUCER (flī ĭng sä sər) n. Humans, ignorant both of Time as a physical medium and of Scale as a direction of travel, mistake their observation of Demonic Hellcraft, the time-travel vehicles of Hell, as extraterrestrial ships which they idiotically call “flying saucers.”
When I, Satan, created Hell Cosmos, I began with Cool and Luscious Darkness, and then created its opposite, Manic and Obnoxious Light. Light, then, was the despised boundary of Creation, and between the borders of Light and Dark I metered out My Cosmos. Thus no physical properties within those bands can supersede those I gave to Light Beams, the Prison Bars beyond which physicality cannot escape.
The stupidity of Humans is such that they know not that the distance between stars makes linear spatial travel impossible. Yet, unable to scale the brick wall of time-paradox, humans do not know that Time is the true medium of travel, since Time, as a tangible substance, may be condensed or expanded.
Thus, by invoking the Spell of Bending Time, Demons may easily squeeze through the Prison Bars of Light which imprison humans. This Spell to sidestep the barrier of Despised Light is an elegant Trick of Hell Physics that works quite neatly, allowing the illusion of supraluminal speed, while at the same time respecting the Immutability of My Supreme Laws. See Time; Cosmology of Hell.
COMMENTARY BY LORD SATAN
Humans who spend their lives analyzing and obsessing over the skewered data they collect from studying “flying saucers” are among the most annoying creatures on the planet. Thus, after the successful Invasion of Earth, all humans who attend Flying Saucer Conventions, write or read “UFO” books or Flying Saucer magazines will be summarily boiled for dinner, basted with the soup made from first boiling all of Earth’s Politicians.
The Eaters Eaten
FOOD (fūd) n. 1. That which, when it comes in contact with Humanity, turns to shit. 2. Matter with which humans engorge themselves. The voraciousness of humans’ appetite is a mindless attempt to stave off being eaten themselves by Death.
FOOL (fūl) n. A human who drools and drones in tautological circles, unconsciously aping the Posture of his Mythic Egotistical Creator, who thinks Endlessly and Obnoxiously of Nothing But Himself. 57 See Jack-in-the-box; Zero.
Oblate Marketing Device
FOOTBALL (ft bäl) n. Ritualized warfare enacted for the purpose of marketing beer, cars and steroids.
FOP (fŏp) n. See Fashion; Idiot.
FORECLOSURE (fôr klō zhər) n. The ensconcing of land from the poor by a feudal usurer. See Real Estate Agent.
FOREFINGER (fôr fĭn gər) n. That which a human uses to point out a best friend to the secret police.
Nation of Decapitation
FRANCE (frăn(t)s) n. A nation universally admired for its noble achievements in the art of public decapitation.
FRAUD (frŏd) n. In the mythology of Man, that which the hypothetical Creator committed in trying to pass humans off as intelligent life.
FREE (frē) n. A magical word used by humans to hypnotize the masses into surrendering their money for worthless goods.58
FREEDOM (frē dəm) n. The uncomfortable interval humans experience between finding new forms of enslavement.
COMMENTARY BY ASMO DEUS
By birthright, all humans are automatically slaves whose bodies serve as mindless consumption machines engineered to process the money of the rich. Rich humans are in turn enslaved by the sensual splendor of their own money, which they endlessly eat, drink, smoke and fornicate with in the form of fish fetuses, boiled wheat distillations, communist tobacco and surgically-enhanced whores.
FREE TRADE (frē trād) n. Camouflage term for increasing the wealth of billionaire masters by banishing local slaves and hiring cheaper foreign slaves.
FREE WILL (frē wĭl) n. The divine faculty with which humans enact their manifest destiny of transforming their planet into a radioactive waste dump.
COMMENTARY BY ASMO DEUS
Interestingly, one aspect of this faculty is inaccessible to Demonkind, in that Demons are free to explore all textures of experience save one — human love (q.v.).
Love, a whining, bombastic faculty peculiar to the Race of Braying Human Donkeys is, according to some Demon Philosophers, and by dint of superior evolution, hidden
Fruit: The Deception of the Pit
from the palette of a Demon’s sensory equipment. (Of course, the fact that humans never exercise this faculty without requiring the “beloved” to fondle them to orgasm (q.v.) is a testimony to its experiential paucity.)59
Tongue Scraping for Disease Exchange
FRENCH KISS (frĕnch kĭs) n. Two human tongues scraping against one another in order to efficiently exchange the maximum number of disease bacilli in the shortest amount of time. See Kiss.
FRUIT (frūt) n. The false packaging which hides the truth of the pit.
FULL-LENGTH FEATURE FILM (fl lĕngkth fē chər fĭlm) n. An over-budgeted short film padded with sex and explosions. See Actor; Entertainment; Film; Film Producer; Television.
Romantic Illumination for Sex Crimes
FULL MOON (fl mūn) n. That which beautifully illuminates rape.
FUNDAMENTALISM (fŭn də mĕn təl ĭ zəm) n. The worship of sterile structure rather than life which inhabits it. See Religion.
COMMENTARY BY AHRIMAN
Fundamentalism, a camouflaged sobriquet for Mind Control, posits the Infallibility of each and every Word in a baroquely mistranslated scripture (q.v.), purported without proof to be jotted down by the Hand of God, but in reality either the work of Lord Satan, or the scribblings of Carnival Barkers selling tickets to lemming-like Suckers for the Amazing Sideshow of Revealed Religion.
FUNERAL (fyū nər əl) n. The means by which humans effectively torture their dead. See Mortician.
COMMENTARY BY LLU CIPHER
Prior and subsequent to the funeral, the dead human is tortured via the following Ritual:1. If female, the corpse is secretly fornicated vaginally, orally and anally by the human mortician (q.v.).
2. The corpse is drained of effluents, gutted and pumped full of poisons.
3. The face is caked and painted with makeup until it resembles a Circus Clown (q.v.).
4. Humans line up to stare at the defiled and humiliated carcass.
5. The corpse is then imprisoned in an airtight metal box, forever separated from dissolving into nature.
FUR (fûr) n. Filthy animal carcass, after having been clubbed to death, skinned and draped over a human’s pustuled epidermis. See Club; Fashion; Homosexual.
FUSION (fyū zhən) n. A concept terrifying to human billionaires whose occupation is to charge their human slaves for electrical power in a Cosmos composed of free energy. See Atom; Electricity; Science; Scientist.