Divided

by Kaesey Stobaugh

  “It’s okay,” Willa runs a hand of fingers through her hair to break through some of the knots, “It is kind of yellow, isn’t it?”

  “Why are you here?” Cinda asks.

  “Well…I came to see your brother.” She tilts her head towards me before meeting my eyes.

  “Okay…” I begin. “I think it’s time for breakfast. Go on, Cinda.”

  She scrambles to her feet and walks to the door before she stops and turns around with very thoughtful eyes. “Gabe said you love my brother. Is that true?” The question makes my ears ring.

  “Okay! That’s enough!” I scoop her up and fling her over my shoulder to take her to the kitchen. I hear Willa laugh so hard that she runs out of breath in the other room. I set Cinda down in a chair and return to the bedroom. Willa is starting to get up and clean the bed mess.

  “Don’t worry about that. I’ll get it later.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yeah, it’ll give me something to do tonight. So, do you think you’re well enough to head back to your side? Or do you want to stay another night? Because I’m alright with that.”

  “I don’t want to go home, to be honest. I’m going to be in so much trouble.”

  “Then stay here. Don’t go back. I think Cinda would love that.” I chuckle, knowing she won’t agree to stay. She can’t agree. A small part of me doesn’t want her to, but the bigger part just doesn’t want to let her out of my sight again.

  “I don’t know…your parents don’t seem very fond of me.”

  I sigh and roll my eyes, “Really? That’s what you got out of all of that?”

  She doesn’t answer, only watches my facial expressions carefully, “Trust me, Willa, it’s not you. It’s me. They don’t want anything to change. They don’t want me to…” I trail off, trying to keep the rest to myself.

  “They don’t want you to what?”

  “Nothing. They just don’t want to lose their strongest member.”

  She nods once, “You know I can’t stay here any longer.”

  I nod once in response.

  She attempts a smile, “I’d like to though. I hope you know that.”

  I shake my head, kneeling down to be level with her face, “No, you don’t. You really don’t. Trust me. I’d like you to stay, just because I love being with you and not being with you makes me sick and anxious these days, but not here. I would go crazy if you stayed here. That’s not an insult either. I would just literally drive myself mad worrying about anybody figuring out that you’re not a Worker.”

  She smiles at the floor, reaching over to take my hand in both of hers. “It wouldn’t take long for them to figure it out either. It seems I kind of stand out here.”

  I lift her chin up with my index finger, forcing her to look at me, “Wanna know something about my side?”

  She squints, the corners of her mouth twitching. She nods.

  “Girls on my side don’t have yellow hair.”

  Her eyebrows narrow, “Really? It’s not really yellow, you know.”

  I laugh while getting to my feet, kicking all the blankets and mess we made to the wall. I reach for her hand, and as she willingly gives it to me, I help her to her feet and throw her arm over my shoulder.

  I tell her to try standing on her own. She can. I tell her to try walking on her ankle. I catch her just before she hits the ground, a gasp of pain escaping through her lips in the process. I slip my arm around her waist, supporting most of her bad leg’s weight. She leans into me and I’m suddenly aware of how close she is. I take in a breath, clearing my head of its desire to kiss her soft, trembling lips. I hope she can’t tell how hard my hand is shaking against her waist.

  I wobble her into the hallway, just to get a sense of how painful moving will be for her. “How’s that?” I ask, “Does it still hurt when I help you?”

  “Not nearly as much.” I try not to notice how breathless her voice sounds. At first, I think it might be because she’s just as aware of me as I am of her, but I decide, more realistically, that it’s because of her throbbing ankle.

  “I bet it’s mostly numb and painful from being swollen and you not using it. The sprain really didn’t seem that bad last night, and the swelling has really gone down. I’m sure you’ll be able to walk on it after a while of moving around.”

  “Well, for now,” She says, “I’d rather stay like this.”

  Her arm over my shoulders tightens, her body clinging to my hold on her. I have to bite my lip to keep from smiling. “Okay.”

  “I need my boots,” She hops on one foot, dragging me along with her, back to the bedroom, “and my clothes too.”

  I shake my head, reaching down to ring some of the water from her pile of wet clothes on the floor. “They’re still soaking, completely unusable. Just wear mine. I’ll wash your clothes and give them back to you tonight.”

  “We’re meeting tonight?” Her voice is excited and the smile I love reappears.

  “As long as you’re able to walk tonight. Here,” I sit her down on the cot and retrieve my leather jacket from a drawer in the dresser. “You can wear this. It’s cold outside.” She smiles as I wrap my arms around her to help her into the jacket. I guide her arms through the sleeves and slowly zip it up for her. The jacket looks huge on her, reminding me of our size difference. “It’s big but…you look good in leather.”

  I help her into the kitchen, carrying her pair of boots in my free hand, where only the three kids sit. I heave a breath I didn’t know I was holding. My mother’s nowhere to be seen.

  I seat her in a chair by the table, giving her shoes back and reminding her not to pull the laces on her injured foot too tight. I catch a snort from Gabe’s side of the table.

  I move to the door to retrieve and lace up my boots. Gabe looks up from his breakfast and stares at Willa, then me, then Willa again.

  “So…you’re what got Mom so worked up last night?” His matter-of-fact tone sends cold flames up the back of my neck. Willa sits awkwardly by the table, her face turning red at Gabe’s remark.

  “Shut up, Gabe.” I glare at him, “Willa, that’s Gabe.”

  “Hi there.” She says with a forced smile. He shoots an eyebrow up at her and continues to eat.

  “Willa, are you hungry?”

  “No. I’m fine. Thank you.” She doesn’t have to force the smile when she turns to me.

  “Are you leaving?” Cinda looks up at Willa.

  “Yes, I am. But I’m sure I’ll see you all again soon.”

  “Yeah, because this visit went so well.” I grumble sarcastically. The girls laugh, thinking I’m serious. “Okay, let’s go.” I take Willa’s hand and move her to the door.

  “Nate, Mom says you’re not allowed to leave yet.” Gabe says, that matter-of-factly voice he knows I hate returning.

  Willa looks at me, confused, and I whisper in her ear, “Still mourning.” I raise my voice so Gabe can hear, “Well, tell her I’ll be back later.”

  I pull Willa out the door before he has time to say anything.

  We walk slowly, with her arm slung around my shoulders and mine around her waist. I do my best to take the weight off of her ankle. I’m not in any rush to get home so I’m taking my sweet time with Willa. I watch her eyes wander around the town in wonder. I’m guessing she didn’t get a good look at the place last night. The wet cold air reminds me of the first time Willa and I traveled together, when she was rushing me back to my side. She shivers as the cold wind hits our faces, bringing a painful stinging sensation with it.

  “Is it always this cold here?”

  “I hardly notice it. It’s normal. Why is your side so warm all the time? I’ve been meaning to ask you.”

  “I’m not sure. I’m going to try to find out though.” She snuggles into my side for warmth and I hold her more securely.

  My eyes unwillingly and automatically watch the people around us as we pass by. Some standing or sitting on their front decks, some walking down the same road we are. I try
to ignore the two girls we pass, especially when the younger one –looking to be about Cinda’s age– catches sight of Willa and turns to tug on her sister’s hand, pointing.

  “I’ve never seen anyone with such smooth skin.” She beams up at the taller girl, “Did you see that girl’s hair?”

  The older girl shushes the child, jerking her arm until she’s standing on the other side of her, further away from us. I try to ignore it, but when an elderly man with a cane walks by, I can’t ignore the suspicious and accusing glare he directs towards Willa. I feel her shrink next to me.

  I pick up the pace, hurrying her along and gripping her tighter to me. Once we’re out of sight of the man, I reach behind her head to pull up the hood on my jacket. I drape it over her head and she automatically pulls all her hair back to hide it behind the leather.

  I meet her eyes for a second and smile, trying to sooth the anxiety in her eyes. “It’s okay.” I tell her, “We’re almost to the woods.”

  She nods, returning my smile, clutching the collar of leather closer to her face.

  As we enter the dividing edge of woods from the towns, I think she’s savoring her time with me, the same way I’m savoring mine with her. She knows it will soon come to an end. After the horrible three days I forced her to live through, I’ll carry her back to her side if that’s what will make her happy. At this point in time, I’ll do anything to assure her that I’m here to stay and I’m never going to put her through that again. I won’t ever hurt her. As these thoughts set in, I hold her a little tighter and press my lips to her hair, kissing the top of her head. She laughs softly under her breath and looks away from me, blood rushing to her cheeks.

  Things are going to be different now. Things are changing. Despite what my parents want and what’s best for both of us, things are changing and it’s out of my control. But as long as Willa is by my side, I’m ready to face any changes head on.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Willamina

  The lightning illuminates the gloomy sky as we walk through the Worker’s woods. Again, I’m amazed at how dead and ugly it is. But not even the dreary weather or the brown forest can put me in a bad mood now. Nate’s going to come away with me. We can live together happily away from this mess of a world we live in.

  “When can we leave?” I ask him. He stays silent. I know this is a hard decision for him to make. He feels like he’s running away and deserting his family. “Nate, do you really not want to go?”

  “It’s not that I don’t want to go, it’s that I want to go too much. I start to feel guilty. How can I escape all my troubles and leave my family here to deal with this?”

  “Think about it for a second. Whether you stay here or come with me, your family will have to survive without you. If you stay, they’ll still take you away from them but they’ll also turn you into someone else. If you come with me, at least you’ll still be you. And…maybe it’s silly, but I think we can be happy out there together.”

  “I know we can. I’d be happy anywhere as long as you were there.” I smile at him. “But how can I be happy knowing that my family may be suffering?”

  “Nate, you know I would never want another boy to grow up the way you had to, but Gabe is thirteen now. I think he’ll step up when the time comes. And also, we may be happy out there together, but that doesn’t mean it will be easy. I’m sure there will be some struggles that we’ll have to deal with too.”

  He nods. “You’re right, I know you are. I think I’ve known since you first suggested this. I guess I’ve been hoping that the perfect situation will appear. But it won’t. This is as good as it’s gonna get and we have to act before it gets worse.”

  I know he said he’d come with me last night, but this is the first time he’s been okay with it. Relief dances through my heart. “Thank you, Nate.” I whisper, leaning my head against his shoulder. “So, when can we leave?”

  “It’ll have to be soon, but I also need some time to get the family ready to live without me. I’ll try to stock up on food for them and finish some projects around the house. How about three nights from now? That’ll give me the rest of today and then two more days to get ready.”

  “That’s fine. We should stock up on supplies for us too. It might be a good idea to have some supplies to get us started.” I have the strangest sense of excitement, almost pleasure. I wonder if this is how normal girls feel when they’re looking for a home with their new husband, or shopping for the perfect decorations. I may be running away but it feels like a brand new life is about to start.

  “Good thinking. I don’t know if I can get things for us as well as my family though…” He sounds apologetic. I know he never wants to let me down.

  “I’ll pack some food and other things from home, okay? I’ll just take a little food from the kitchen each night, no one will notice. I’ll fill my sleepover bag, but I have a feeling I might need more room and that’s all the bags I have.”

  “We have a couple large backpacks and I still have the bag that you brought the…medicine in…” I watch as a wave of sorrow crashes over him. There’s nothing I can do to take the pain away and an apology sounds shallow.

  I pull him to a stop so I can wrap my arms around his neck. He holds me tightly, leaning his head into my shoulder. A single tear falls against my skin from his eye. What must it be like to know pain like this? To lose a human being who’s more precious to you than words can explain? I desperately hope I never find out the answer to that question.

  He sighs and lifts his head up. “Thank you for making this bearable.” He’s truly grateful, I know, but what I’m doing is nothing. I wish I could take away his pain. I would take it upon myself and hurt for him if I could. Instead, I have to watch him suffer. We continue walking.

  “Use the bag you have today. I’ll bring the rest with me tonight. Every time you fill a bag, bring it with you to The Wall and I’ll take it back to my side and hide it. We don’t need anyone on your side getting suspicious.” He says kindly.

  “Alright. You know, the only clothes I have are dresses. Fall’s already almost over and it’ll be winter soon. It might be too cold for a dress.”

  “You’re right. I can get you girls’ pants that are strong and warm.”

  “What kind of currency do they use on your side?”

  “Government approved cash. It’s like gold to us. Mostly, we just barter and trade.”

  “That’s what we use too. I’ve been saving up my allowances for years, maybe I’ll-”

  “No.” He cuts me off sharply, “I won’t take your money. Even if you bring it tonight, I won’t take it. I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you want to help me out, but I’ve got my own ways of getting what I need without stealing. Don’t even worry about it.”

  “Nate,” I say, “I love you and if we were on opposite sides, you would be doing the same for me. Please let me help and take at least some of the money.”

  He shakes his head stubbornly, “I love you too, and I want to make sure you know that I understand how much you’re willing to give up for me, but I can’t take your money. Even if I did, I probably wouldn’t get much with it. People wouldn’t be willing to interact with me because they’d be afraid I was trying to get rid of stolen loot. I’ve got plenty of game to trade and I’ve got a job that pays. I don’t want your money.” He looks down at me to be sure he hasn’t hurt my feelings.

  I sigh, “If you’re sure. And for the record, I am doing this for you, but I’m also doing this because I want to. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I’d hardly call what I’m doing a sacrifice.”

  He laughs, “I’m so glad I ran into you. Literally.”

  “I’ve never been so happy to be knocked to the ground in my life!”

  We reach The Wall. I can see the top of the ladder peeking out, like an invitation home. But I have to climb that awful tree first.

  “I’ll help you get over this time.” He says with a sly grin and I punch his arm.

&nb
sp; I start climbing tentatively on all fours. Nate gracefully walks behind me with arms ready to catch me if I fall. When I reach the top, Nate gives me his hand to steady myself and I step over the wire and onto the ladder. Once I’m on the other side safely, I climb down as fast as I can. The familiar warmth surrounds me and I breathe it in. Nate lands with a thud next to me.

  “Did that go better than last time?” He asks, smiling

  “Well, let’s see,” I look down and pretend to examine myself. “No injuries, so I’m going to say yeah, a little bit!”

  He laughs again. I’m glad I can take his mind off of his troubles, if only for a while. “I’ll help you walk to the edge of the woods.”

  The contrast between his forest and mine is extreme. Everything on this side is healthy and green. Whoever’s in charge must have control over the climates. It’s not fair to only give one side nice weather and healthy plants. They could have at least given them a forest that they could find food in.

  I can see the forest end growing closer and closer. Only a few more days now and then I’ll never have to let him out of my sight again. But for now, we have to do whatever it takes to escape unnoticed.

  We stop in front of the end of the trees and a thought occurs to me. “How am I going to explain my ankle?”

  “Oh,” he says in realization, biting on his bottom lip until an idea comes to play, “You said you haven’t been getting out of bed lately, right?” I nod. “Pretend you’re still depressed and don’t let them see it.”

  “Okay, I think I can do that.”

  “You’re wearing my clothes too.” He notes, “You’ll have to change before anyone sees you in them. Get rid of them.”

  I gape, looking down at myself in his too-big clothing, “I’m not just going to throw your clothes away. I’ll stuff them in my bag and bring them back to you. You’ll need them for the wilderness.”

  We hold each other’s gazes for a long time, the unbelievable truth that we’re actually going to do this sinking in. Also, the gut wrenching fact of having to part ways for now. I shudder, wishing briefly that he still had his arm around me and I could hide inside his arms.