Divided

by Kaesey Stobaugh

  “Has anyone ever tried to steal from us?”

  “Sure, sure. But I’ve never let anything happen to you guys.” I say with a proud smile. He stumbles through the thicket next to me. It’s dark now, really dark. It’s getting hard to make out what’s in front of us. I stick to my instincts, listening carefully and walking slowly.

  “Anyway, as long as you keep the box full and eat what’s oldest so you don’t waste anything, you’re good with meat. Now, in the spring we buy vegetables from a lady four houses down the road. She has a new price every year depending on how much crop she’s grown. That’s your veggies for the rest of the year so use them sparingly. Dairy is another story. Everyone’s been selling or butchering their farm animals so it’s hard to get eggs, milk, and cheese. Hard but not impossible. You just have to figure out where to look.”

  “Why don’t we grow our own garden?”

  I snort bitterly, “If you can get Mom to plant and take care of a garden, I’ll give you my shotgun!”

  “What? You don’t think she would?”

  “Oh please, Gabe. I’ve been trying to talk her into that for years. It would save us so much money. But gardens take a lot of work, time, and care. Some things she has little of.”

  “Yeah, I guess so…” He trails off, staring at the ground, crunching through the wet leaves, tripping over roots.

  “When Gabby’s a little older, you can give her the responsibility of planting and growing a garden in the backyard. Cinda will grow to help her. But until then, just be first to Mrs. Crow’s place in the spring so you get her wage first.”

  I feel a strike of grief and regret at the thought of not being here to watch Gabby and Cinda grow. Suddenly, I want nothing more than to teach Gabby how to plant things and grow her own food. I can already picture the sweet smile on her face after she’s harvested her first crop. I shake the sadness away, refocusing my thoughts of the matter at hand.

  “Clothes next. We don’t have money to buy expensive things like that. So, we live with a little thing people like to call hand-me-downs. My old clothes go to you, your old clothes go to Gabby, and Gabby’s old clothes go to Cinda. Don’t waste money on clothes or any other kind of fabric. It’s overpriced and won’t last long. Just take care of what you have and you’ll be okay.”

  He nods, continuing to stare at the ground. I reach over and give his head a rough rub, flipping his too-long hair over one side of his head. “Hey, look I know this is a lot to take in. And I’m sorry I didn’t start preparing you for this sooner instead of dumping it all on you today. But you don’t have to worry right now. I’m stocking you guys up and I’m gonna try and get you set up with a job in the morning for when I’m…taken.” I hesitate on that last word. The reminder that I’m not preparing to be taken sets in again. I’m leaving. Willingly.

  The guilt starts to get to me as I watch Gabe’s face flood with stress, overwhelm, and fear. I give my head a quick shake, trying to remind myself what Willa had said. She said I wasn’t going to be able to stay anyway and she’s right. They would only take me away and turn me into something else, something that I’m not. I’d rather hide out in the forest with Willa for a few months and come back later when the Taking is over than be taken myself and only return as a mindless robot and beat my family down to death. I’m doing the right thing. Not just for me but for my family too. I’m sparing them a lifetime of suffering. I’m also doing this for Willa, so that maybe we could have a shot at being together. I can’t imagine my life without her now and I can’t remember it before she came in. This is what she wants too. This isn’t just about me or my family anymore. She’s a part of this now. She has become part of the people I will protect with my life and if that is wrong, then I’m alright with breaking the unspoken laws of our two worlds. It’s just one more sin to add to my record. I’m most likely already on my way to hell so what’s the point of being noble now. I will protect Willa in every way I can but I’m not going to force her to stay away from me. I tried that already and it didn’t go so well. If the only option she’s giving me is to be with her then I’m gonna protect her from everything that threatens us. She wants to be a team? I’m going to treat her like so much more than just another team player. I’ll protect her from myself without leaving her in the dark. With that promise I make to myself, Gabe’s voice suddenly breaks my vows, making me jump.

  “Can I ask you something?”

  “Shoot.”

  “That girl that barged in last night, are y-”

  “That girl has a name.” I snap through my teeth. He looks up at me, catching my glare. He sighs but nods.

  “Sorry…Willa.”

  “Yeah. What about her?” I swear it’s like the kid’s reading my mind. I haven’t really thought about Willa all night and once I start making her silent promises in my head, he decides to bring her up. I’m already feeling protective and sensitive towards her and now he’s gonna play with my weakness. What are the odds?

  “Well, what I was gonna ask was, are you…” He stops and turns away from me. I hear him breathe deeply and let the words spill out with his breath. “Are you in love with her?”

  I freeze. My speech disappears. I can’t remember how to speak. Cinda had asked Willa a similar question this morning. Willa just laughed and never answered. Not out load anyway. Are our feelings for each other really that obvious? I mean, I know I confessed it to my mother and father but that was in private.

  I feel Gabe staring at me, waiting for an answer. I find my words but they aren’t the ones I want. I scan my brain for better ones, easier ones. Gabe could never understand what I truly felt for her. I find easy words and decide to turn them around, making them sound like I find humor in his question. Like I’m surprised he’d ask such a ridiculous thing. What could he know about love anyway? Nothing.

  “Why would you ask that? Love is a really strong word, you know.”

  “So, you don’t love her?” He sounds suspicious.

  “Well…I didn’t say that, did I?”

  Just then, we step outside the wood line and start heading back towards town. It’s still dark but being out of the way of the tall trees, the moonlight is now a nice spotlight, guiding us home. We’re quiet for a long time. I hardly hear him breathing.

  “You didn’t really answer my question.”

  “Why do you care? Why do any of you care?”

  “Unlike Mom and Dad, I think it would be great to have an older girl around the house. Help Mom out. Plant a garden.” He laughs at his own joke. I laugh too but not for the same reason he is.

  “Look, even if Willa and I…” I struggle for words again, “Even if we did…even if…” Nothing sounds right. I don’t even know what words I’m looking for. “Willa’s not moving in. There’s no way I’d ever make her live in this forsaken place.” I mutter under my breath. Once the words are out, I pray he hadn’t heard them. He must have because he stops dead in his tracks. He stares at me in horror and then all around us.

  “Gabe, look I didn’t mean-” I start to defend myself but in a second I realize it wasn’t what I said that made his heart skip a beat. He stares past me towards a house not five feet from us.

  I swing around and see the danger. My instincts kick in. Run! Hide! Do something! I choose the same strategy as the last time I came face to face with this situation. Only last time I didn’t have my little brother who I’m responsible for. Fear sets in instantly as I think about the boy standing behind me. I should have never kept him out so late at night. Night is when evil happens. Bad things happen at night, in the dark, where murderers can hide in the shadows. I swing back around and jerk Gabe to the ground. Lying flat on our stomachs, side by side, we watch the trial, the same horror I watched happen weeks ago. It’s the same story only I have more to lose than just my own life. I have my brother next to me.

  He stares in shock and horror as three soldiers invade a small shack in front of us. One rips out a boy that looks my age and throws him to the ground where anoth
er soldier holds him down with threats. He holds his weapon to his head and screams nasty things at him until the boy is perfectly still, hands in the air. The other two soldiers continue to throw more people out of the small home and pin them to the ground.

  An older couple lies flat on their stomachs, not causing any trouble. Two small children are thrown down next to them. The last soldier then pulls out a young girl and throws her next to the boy. One soldier starts to speak to her. His words are hard to make out but his voice grows louder with impatience when the girl doesn’t reply. She stares at the ground in front of her. The soldier holding the boy down next to her suddenly jerks her by the hair, lifting her head up. The girl lets out a sharp cry and swings her arm out, holding herself to the boy next to her. The rest of the family being held down by the third soldier scream in terror when the boy whips around and attacks the soldier who caused the girl pain.

  Gabe jumps when the boy is hit in the back with the butt of the soldier’s weapon. I grab his arm and send him a sharp hiss when he starts to breathe heavily. The girl jumps to her feet but falls back down on her knees when she sees the pain the boy is in. She screams and cries as she begs the soldier to stop. She throws herself under the weapon before it strikes the boy again. I hear myself gasp and shut my eyes before seeing what’s about to happen. I force them to stay closed until I hear the girl give out another painful cry. I open when I feel Gabe jerk away from my hold and try to jump to his feet. I pull him back down but he fights back.

  “No! They will kill us! They’re gonna kill us both! We have to run!”

  I swing my other arm around, clasping it over his mouth. “Are you insane?”

  “I’m not gonna lay here and get killed!” He pulls away and takes off running around the invaded home. My heartbeat freezes to a stop.

  I jump up after him. I’m a lot faster than he is, he doesn’t stand a chance. I grab him by his jacket and tear him to the ground, throwing myself on top of him, holding him down.

  “You are insane! Stay down and shut up!” I snap in his ear as I watch the soldier’s movements to see if we were caught.

  They look around clueless. They definitely heard us but quickly give up their search to continue their job. I spot the girl lying on her side, holding herself and fighting the tears. The boy looks almost unconscious as he reaches over to take the girl’s hand. I watch as the soldier kick their hands apart to haul the boy to his feet, shoving him into the moving cell.

  They leave then, not looking back once at the family they’ve just destroyed. They start to move near us. I roll over a few times, clinging Gabe to my chest. I stop when we’re another few feet away from them. I wait until they’re out of sight before I jump up and run, dragging Gabe behind me. He doesn’t fight my grip until the house is in sight. We approach the front step when he pulls away and starts panting and gasping, holding his head.

  “Why didn’t you do anything? You just laid there! We could’ve been killed and you just laid there!”

  “Your little running stunt is what almost got us killed, you idiot! I’ve been in those situations more than once! Don’t you think I knew what I was doing?”

  “I didn’t know what you were doing! All I know is those people got hurt and that kid got taken away and you didn’t do anything!”

  “What did you expect me to do, huh? I had you there. I couldn’t do anything without you and me getting hurt or worse! That was a time when you just have to stand back.”

  “Don’t make this about me! I tried to get away and-”

  “Exactly! You ran! And if I had let you run, you would’ve been caught and killed while I laid there—alive, watching! I protected you, Gabe. I wasn’t going to let anyone hurt you. Why can’t you just trust me for once? We weren’t in danger!”

  Before he can answer, the front door swings open and my mother stands with a mixed expression face. Relief, anger, confusion, agony? It’s a very intimidating glare. Her lips curl up over her teeth as she marches back inside, leaving the door open.

  “We are now.” Gabe shivers as he starts for the door. I let my head hang back as I exhale deeply. It’s never ending. It never ends! I drag my feet as I follow Gabe inside.

  My mother leans against the table with her arms crossed. I shut the door behind me quietly and prepare to face my fate. She looks at Gabe, then me, then Gabe again. She moves fast, almost too fast for me to keep up as she dashes across the floor towards me and I feel a sharpness erupt across one side of my face. I open my mouth to rotate my jaw, lifting a hand to massage the skin there as I stare at her. She has tears in her eyes as she goes to slap me again. I catch her wrist midair this time before her she can strike me.

  “Yeah…I guess I had that coming.” I mumble as I rub my jaw tighter to relieve the pain.

  “Mom, stop! It’s not his fault!” Gabe tries to defend me but she ignores him, jerking her wrist free from my hold.

  “What is wrong with you? How could you do that to me? How could you just drag him away without a word? I didn’t know where you went or what you were doing! How could you do that to me?” The tears escape her eyes as she backs away from me.

  I deserved a good slap. I probably deserve another one. Seeing her like this makes me feel terrible. I know I messed up and should have handled this in a better way but I’m running out of time and Gabe had to know the things I taught him today. Trying to explain that to her would be pointless.

  She waits for an explanation. I scan my brain for words but none come to the surface. It’s like my brain is snickering at me, saying, “Sorry, man, but you’re on your own with this one.”

  Finally, I shake my head and drop her stare. Gabe stands motionless by the table, quiet as a mouse. It’s his only defense, I guess. I hold my breath as I force myself to look back up. I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out. My mother turns away from me and rubs her face.

  Without looking back, she mumbles under her breath, “Gabe, go to bed, please.”

  He nods and sends me an apologetic look before turning and retreating to his bed. My mother sits at the table, signaling me to sit down across from her. I wonder how long this is going to take. I imagine it’s around eleven now and I’m meeting Willa at midnight.

  My legs are stiff as I stumble over and pull out the chair closest to me. We sit in silence for a long time. She stares down at a mug of hot water she’d been sipping on before we got home. Finally, she breaks the silence.

  “Nathan, I don’t know what’s gotten into you. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know if it’s something I did or your father or what. Please, just tell me what’s wrong with you.” Her voice is soft but it makes me uneasy. Could she actually be worried about me? Or is it just what I’m capable of? She’s never shown any interest in my health or safety. I’ve pretty much taken care of myself since I was twelve or thirteen. So, why is she so concerned about me now? What’s changed?

  “Is it…something I did?” She searches for an answer.

  “No.”

  “Your father?”

  “No.”

  “Leila?” She mumbles in pain.

  I sigh, “No.”

  “Is it the fear of being taken?”

  “No. No! No!” Maybe I’m lying, I’m not sure. Nothing is wrong with me. Not the way she thinks anyway. And the sudden therapy is insulting. I glare at her, letting her know she isn’t on the right track, she isn’t even asking the right questions. Her worried eyes suddenly turn to fire.

  “This doesn’t have anything to do with that girl that dragged herself over here yesterday, does it?”

  Now I’m angry. My lips press together forming a straight line as I fight the fury inside me. “She has a name!”

  “It is about her!”

  I’m stuck now. There’s no way of getting out of this without spitting a lie because she finally asked the right question. This is about Willa. It has everything to do with Willa. Part of me believes it always did.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  W
illamina

  It’s still cloudy and dark when I open my eyes a few hours later. I turn to see my mother sitting in an armchair next to my bed. I quickly drop my gaze and try to appear inattentive.

  “Willa, can you hear me?”

  I don’t know what I’d been expecting from her, but it wasn’t this. Maybe I wanted to hear some worry in her tone, I don’t know. She sounds like I’m inconveniencing her. But I suppose I am. She’s the role model of all the women on our side, if she were to have a daughter who suddenly decided to be depressed it could ruin her reputation. Still, I’m not just a social tool, I’m her daughter. It takes all the willpower I have not to show her how hurt I am.

  She waits a few more seconds then sighs loudly. I hear her angry footfalls as she leaves my room. I have never wanted to leave this town more than right now. I want to start over and choose my own path. I want to leave this material society. I want to be able to love whom I choose. I have the sudden urge to run all the way to the Wall and just keep running. But with my leg, I wouldn’t get very far and I’d never leave without Nate. Just three more nights, I can survive for three more nights.

  Three more nights and I’ll never see this room again. Three more nights and I’ll have to say goodbye to Georgie. Three more nights and I won’t have any of the comforts I’m so used to. Suddenly, a scary thought hits me. What do you do when you’re on your period in the wilderness? I run to my bathroom and pull out ten packages of pads. It won’t last forever but I can’t take up any more room in the duffle bag. I also throw in my favorite brush, two new toothbrushes and four tubes of toothpaste. I pack a few of my shirts, but only for when the warmer months come around. I’ll have to ask Nate to also get me some thick shirts to wear.

  I’m going to miss Mia as much as I’ll miss Georgie. I know she’d come with me in a heartbeat if I asked her, but I’m not going to. I’m only putting Nate in danger like this because there’s no other way. I won’t risk Mia’s life while she’s still safe. But I do want her to have a good relationship with Nate.