Breathe Again

by Rachel Brookes

  Tanzi’s eyes widened the moment she looked up from the magazine in her hand to find me and the loudest, most high-pitched shriek I’d ever heard escaped from her tiny body. I flinched as pain shot through my ears.

  “Tate! Am I an aunt? A girl or a boy? Is Jellybean adorable?” she rattled off, rushing towards me and pulling on my arm as if she needed to get my attention. Her shriek alone had gained the attention of everyone in the room.

  “Settle down, Tanzi. Jellybean isn’t here yet.” I smiled. Her face dropped instantly. “Sav just wanted to make sure you were all here.” Speaking generically, I let my eyes land on Mr. Davenport’s, who stood silently.

  “Can I have a word, Tate?” he abruptly announced and headed towards the corner of the waiting room. Obliging, I quickly kissed Tanzi on the cheek and moved towards him. Jamming my hands in my pockets and yawning loudly, I looked at him and waited for him to speak.

  “How’s our girl going?” His eyes showed tiredness and concern for the girl who owned both our hearts. His suit was crumpled from the hours sitting in the plastic seats of the waiting room, but his face was bursting with intrigue.

  “She is so perfect. She is doing amazingly well. I think our child is going to be stubborn. Jellybean definitely is comfortable in there.” I sighed, a hint of a smile playing on my lips.

  “With parents like you two, what do you expect?” He laughed. “I hope your kid gives you hell.”

  “I’ll just make sure I have his or her grandfather on speed dial for those hellish times. How will you be able to say no to spending time with your grandchild?”

  “You are an evil genius Tate Connors.” Mr. Davenport laughed deeply and patted my shoulder before walking back to Mom.

  Our relationship had gone full circle. To think that finally he realized I wasn’t going anywhere and that I was here for the long run made me feel pride swell in my chest. Mr. Davenport was the one and only man in my life I was desperate to gain respect from and finally I felt like I was slowly getting there.

  A moment of clarity hit me as I stood by the window looking over the visitor’s courtyard below. I was hours—possibly minutes—away from becoming a father. For the past nine months, I’d wondered when it would finally hit me, when the reality that I was going to be responsible for a little person and that every decision I made would be for them, and right now it was here.

  I was already thinking of the future. I was already planning the house I wanted to buy for my little family. I needed my little one to grow up on the beach. I needed him or her to experience the freedom, the ease, and the lifestyle the ocean offered. I wanted to give the ocean to Sav and her memories. I knew her parents would be with us if we were near the ocean.

  The sound of the coffee machine grabbed my attention. Coffee. An espresso would be great right now. Darting through the other people in the waiting room, I followed the scent of strong coffee and impatiently waited in line. I needed to get to Sav. I felt someone come up beside me, and turning to my left my eyes, I landed on my brother. Shit, that still took a lot to get my head around.

  “Hi,” Blake said timidly.

  “Hey.”

  “I wasn’t sure if I should come. Tanzi called me and demanded that I get my ass down here, and well, as you know, you can’t argue with her. I will leave the moment you tell me. I don’t want to cause any trouble,” he rambled and nervously rubbed the back of his neck. I took a good look at him and felt the edges of my mouth curve.

  “One thing you will learn about our sister. You will never win an argument.”

  “Yeah, I’m learning that fast.”

  We stood in silence as the line moved excruciatingly slowly ahead of us. My mind bounced back to Savannah and how desperate I was to get back to her. My foot tapped anxiously below me, my patience wearing thin. Seriously, people, my fucking girlfriend is about to have a baby.

  “I hate not being able to do anything to stop Sav hurting.” I sighed and stepped out of the line. Screw coffee. Blake followed me and sat beside me as I slumped down on the chair, a wave of exhaustion hitting me.

  “Just being there is all she needs.” Blake wrung his hands in his lap and finally raised his eyes to look at me. “You are going to be an awesome dad, Tate.”

  How in the hell had we gotten to this moment? This was the guy who’d helped break my heart, shattered it into a million pieces, but he was also the guy who had been there during my bleakest moments, the guy who was now staring at me with what I could only describe as pride. How had I not realized we were brothers? Besides the tattoos adorning his arms and the dimple in his right cheek, we looked the same. The same eyes, the same nose, the same hair.

  I’d swallowed my pride a long time ago. I needed to send every negative thought I’d ever had about him to the trash. I couldn’t move on with my life, a life that could only be happy and healthy, if I held on to the past. My past was exactly that my past. A past that involved fucked-up shit, heartbreak, loss and pure and utter devastation. But what I had in front of me was a future, a future with the love of my life, a baby of my own, a new beginning, a second chance.

  “Can we forget everything that happened with us? We have both said and done shit we aren’t proud of, but at the end of the day, you are family. You’re my brother and you are about to become an uncle. I don’t want my kid being around negative shit.” I held my hand out in earnest. “Brothers?”

  “Brothers,” he replied, grabbing my hand and shaking it hard. “You really need to get back in there. Go and meet my niece or nephew.”

  When I rushed back in the room, Sav’s head snapped towards the door and an exhausted smile moved over her face at the sight of me. “Is everyone here?” she asked breathlessly.

  I sat on the edge of the bed and entwined our fingers together. “Yeah, everyone is here. Mr. Davenport, Tanzi, Jack, Lucas, Ali, Mom, and Blake.”

  Her eyes widened in surprise. “Blake?”

  “He is here to meet his little niece or nephew.”

  “Thank you.” Her eyes glazed over and my heart filled with love.

  The midwife moved around the foot of the bed and I watched her closely. This woman was responsible for the safe birth of our baby. The room we were in had such a calming effect. Soft music was filtering through the air, candlelight danced on the walls, and the familiar scent of green tea and bamboo took over my senses. This was what had calmed Sav down at home, so I’d needed that to be here. It was the perfect place to welcome Jellybean.

  “Are you ready, Sav? Are you ready to meet our baby?” I whispered lovingly into her ear.

  After ten hours of labor, numerous false starts, and doctors saying one thing but Sav’s body doing another, I knew it was time by the nod the midwife had given me. I clutched Sav’s hand and gave her one final kiss on the cheek. Our lives were about to change drastically.

  “Just one more big push, Sav, and your baby will be here.” The midwife’s words were like a symphony to my ears. “Does the father want to see the head?”

  What the fuck did she just ask me? No no no!

  I knew my eyes were bugged out of my head at the thought of looking down there. Yes, I had seen there on more than one occasion. I loved nothing more than being down there. But I was usually making her scream as pleasure gripped her body, not gawking as a baby ripped its way out of her. Oh god, I was going to faint. I gripped the side of the bed as panic roared through me. I was going to be one of those fathers who fainted under the pressure. That’s what I would remember of the birth of my child—lying on the floor after fainting at the sight of Savannah’s pussy. Brilliant.

  “Tate, your face is priceless,” Sav groaned with a slight chuckle. “Go and see our baby’s head. I want you to see it first.”

  Oh, Savannah, why did you have to say that?!

  All I could do was nod. Of course I would do as she asked. My eyes bounced between Savs and the midwife, and I slowly moved down to the end of the bed, my hand gripping the mattress to hold me up. God, could I really do th
is?

  “Another one is coming. I have to push!” Sav choked. I rushed as soon as I heard her words.

  “Okay, let’s do this.” The midwife grabbed Savannahs legs, yanking them open wider. “If you want to see this, then stay down here. If you want to be with Sav, then as soon as she pushes and the head becomes visible I suggest you move back to the bed. It’s your call.”

  There I stood beside the midwife, totally speechless and in complete and utter awe. I had never seen or witnessed anything like this before. The sound of Sav’s painful cry filled the air around me and I cringed. I hated not being able to help her.

  But then everything faded around me as I was witness to most beautiful sight in the world. As if I watching a movie in slow motion, my baby’s head appeared before me. He or she was really there and barely inches away from me. Time felt like it was standing still, like everything had stopped around me. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t breathe. My gaze was locked on the miracle that was happening before me. My baby. I saw the tuft of dark brown matted hair and couldn’t help but smile. Our baby had a head full of hair. Sav had wanted Jellybean to be born with hair for some weird reason, and she was about to get her wish.

  “Tate, I need you.”

  All I could focus on was the look of exhaustion on Sav’s face as I hurried to the top of the bed and grabbed her hand. “I’m here.”

  Sharing this experience with her, seeing her at her weakest yet strongest, set something on fire within me. I needed this woman for life. She was the strongest, most resilient person I had ever met and she was mine. She clutched my hand with all the strength she could muster. Her teeth clenched together as the tears of every piece of emotion bubbling through her body came to the surface.

  “Tate!” she groaned and her head fell to the side as she looked at me.

  “Come on, baby. You can do this. One more push and we will have our Jellybean.” I leaned down and softly kissed her sweaty forehead.

  Her face crumbled as a ripple effect of pain shot through her body. It was excruciating but exhilarating to watch, and then suddenly her face softened with relief.

  The world I knew was shattered and my heart exploded with love as the most amazing sound glided through the air. The chaos around us echoed in my ears, but the only sound I heard was the soft, innocent, perfect cries of our baby, and the only thing I saw were the tears flooding Savannah’s cheeks.

  “Is the baby okay?” she choked out as exhaustion dripped from her words. “Tate, is the baby okay?”

  I let my eyes leave hers and hesitantly turned towards the midwife. My heart stilled. This was the moment. The exact moment when the life I knew ceased and the life I’d craved began. This was it. The moment when I forgot everything and was able to start with a clean plate, the moment I let go of every fucked-up experience that had been dealt to me. The moment happened the second I first looked into the inquisitive eyes of my first born. I couldn’t even fathom what emotion was taking over every inch of my body. Every hair on my body stood to attention, my blood ran hot, and my breathing was jagged. Everything prior to this second held absolutely no relevance.

  “Sav, Jellybean is perfect.”

  “Your baby is perfect.” The midwife looked between Sav and me. “Congratulations, you have a son.”

  Sav’s head swung to me as the first tears streamed over my cheeks. We had a son. Sav and I had created a beautiful, healthy son. The midwife brought our bundle of love over and placed him on Sav’s bare chest. His soft newborn cries soothed as he rested on his mother’s chest.

  My eyes were fixated. I couldn’t look away from the sight in front of me. I’d never imagined that I would be a father. I’d never imagined that I would be here. But now I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else. Every insecurity I’d had, every ounce of doubt that had played heavily on my mind vanished the moment my eyes locked with my son. My son. This little person was my life now. My heart beat for him and my decisions were based entirely on his safety and well-being.

  “We will give you both a minute,” the midwife said softly. I couldn’t even acknowledge her. My eyes were latched to the perfection in Sav’s arms. A head full of dark brown hair, big blue eyes, and a perfect set of lips greeted me. His eyes darted around, trying desperately to focus, completely oblivious to the extent of his arrival.

  “We did it. Look at him. We have a son.” Sav’s voice attracted our baby’s attention, and as their eyes connected, I felt a love swarm through me that I’d never thought existed.

  We hadn’t discussed names. We’d wanted to name Jellybean when we first met him or her. “Max Davenport Connors,” Sav whispered as she ran a finger along his cheek.

  “Hey, Max. I’m your daddy, and this beautiful lady is your mommy. I am so happy you are here, little man.”

  Savannah

  IT REALLY was true. The moment you hold your child in your arms and your eyes connect with them for the very first time, you forget every pain, stretch, rip, and pull of childbirth. Sure, my body was aching in all the wrong places. Sure, my hair looked like a bird had taken residence in it. Sure, my face was blotchy and puffy from all the crying I’d done. But the swelling of my heart with the love I felt overcame everything in this moment. For the past nine months, my anxiety about this moment had been sky high, but now I couldn’t imagine anything besides watching my little Jellybean have the best life I could offer and being the best damn mum the world had ever seen.

  Reluctantly I dragged my eyes away from my gorgeous son, who I was cradling protectively in my arms, and glanced at the door as it slowly crept open, instantly allowing the light from the corridor to flood through the room. The moment my eyes latched on to Mr. Davenport’s, my emotions exploded over and tears flooded my already damp cheeks. Tanzi, Jack, Lucas, Blake, and Ali followed Mr. Davenport and Tate’s mom into the room, all wearing tired eyes and sincere smiles. Jack, Blake, and Lucas made their way towards Tate and shook his hand in congratulations while Tate beamed proudly at them, wearing his own mask of exhaustion.

  Tanzi’s knuckles turned white as she gripped Mr. Davenport’s hand while they walked slowly towards my bed. I watched my best friend and saw a look I had never witnessed on Tanzi Connors’s face ever before. She was showing signs of nerves and anxiety. My confident best friend had disappeared. My curious eyes watched her closely as her eyes left mine and dropped to the gorgeous boy curled up protectively in my arms. Her eyes widened and the smile that swept over her gorgeous face made my tears rush again. Tanzi stood motionless; her grip didn’t lessen as her eyes roamed her nephew’s face. My son was absolute perfection with his scruff of chocolate brown hair and big blue eyes. He was wide awake and taking everything in.

  The bed beside me dipped under Mr. Davenport’s weight as he sat next to me and grabbed my hand after finally being free from the clutches of Tanzi. The hushed voices in the room disappeared as I watched as he took in his grandson. My throat tightened. This was a moment neither of us could have ever imagined experiencing together.

  “You, my girl, are my absolute inspiration.” Mr. Davenport spoke a thousand words as his fingertips swept the loose strands of hair from my cheek. His eyes glistened with love and pride at the sight of his grandson in my arms. “I have a grandson,” he choked, his voice cracking with emotion.

  “This little guy is Max Davenport Connors,” I whispered. His eyes rose from Max in shock, as if he were trying to comprehend what I had just said. “Max Davenport Connors,” I repeated with a wide smile, proud of the name my son would bear.

  “Sav, you didn’t need to do that.” Mr. Davenport said, stumbling on his words, his voice faltering.

  “He is named after the three most special men in my life. You, Tate, and Dad. He needs to have your name. He needs to know where he came from.” I smiled at him lovingly as Max squirmed in my arms. “Would you like to hold your grandson?”

  He hesitated for a brief moment as he focused intently on Max before slowly nodding his head. This was my proud
est moment of my life thus far, placing my baby into the arms of the man who’d made me who I was today. I sighed in contentment and burrowed deeper into the mattress below me, letting the scene unfold in front of me. The way that Max snuggled into Mr. Davenports arm’s and looked up at him with his big blue exploring eyes made my heart tremble.

  The twists and turns of the life I had been given had made me fly by the seat of my pants my entire life, but right at this second, with my family surrounding me, every bump and hurdle life had thrown at me had been completely worth it. I would live my past a million times over if it always led to this single moment.

  I rolled my head to the side and my eyes landed on Tate sitting in the far corner of the room. He sat back with his legs crossed at the ankles, softly speaking with Jack, Lucas, and Blake. His smile lit up the room but the exhaustion taking over his body was apparent. His brown hair disheveled and sticking up in crazy directions, his clothes crumpled and his blue eyes shadowed by sleeplessness, but still he was the most beautiful sight to me.

  He had been with me every step of the way. He was the one who’d gotten me the ice cubes when I was thirsty. He was the one I had gripped on to as contractions ripped through my body. He was the one who’d allowed me to call him an arsehole during the birth. He was the one who’d gotten the gift of first seeing Max. And he was the one who had whispered that he loved me time and time again.

  My body was riddled with exhaustion and aching in a way I’d never known possible, but my heart was exploding with a love that was indescribable. I felt exhilarated, like I could do absolutely anything, like I could face any challenge head-on, like I was the queen of the universe. I, Savannah Rae, was a mum.