Seven Letters

by Sinéad Moriarty

  ‘I feel like I’m losing my brother,’ Rob said, then roughly rubbed away the tear that slid down his cheek.

  ‘I’m not going to stay away from my sister,’ Mia said, ‘but we’ll leave now. It might help him to calm down if we’re gone. But if you need any time out, our door is always open.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Rob said. ‘I’ll get him a coffee and bring it in.’

  ‘You do that,’ Angela said. ‘I’ll make that phone call and we’ll try to help him get things in perspective. The doctors are due down to check on Sarah in half an hour, so that will be a chance to talk it over as well.’

  Mia, Johnny and Riley said goodbye to Rob and walked slowly through the corridors.

  ‘Thank God Charlie wasn’t here for that,’ Mia said.

  ‘When will the baby die?’ Riley asked. ‘I’m not being a bitch, I just want it to be over. Especially for you, Mum.’

  Mia touched her daughter’s cheek. ‘I’ve absolutely no idea what will happen, Riley,’ she said softly. ‘It’s just day by day.’

  Day by day Sarah was crumbling into death. Day by day Adam was becoming more unhinged. Day by day Mia’s heart was breaking more than she’d ever thought possible. Day by day they kept sinking further and further into this nightmare. Would it ever end?

  37

  Riley tried to concentrate on her arguments in favour of Little Women while Shocko howled along to an off-key guitar riff behind her. He had a large red bump on his eyebrow where his mother’s wish had come true: an infection had developed. He’d had to take out the eyebrow ring and now he looked as if he had a huge zit above his eye.

  ‘Seriously!’ Riley swung around in her desk chair and glared at him.

  ‘What? I’m trying to work on a new song. And it’s not easy to play when you’re sitting on a beanbag.’

  ‘Maybe you should switch to the piano.’

  ‘I don’t own one.’

  ‘Fine. Harmonica, then.’

  ‘Like Bob Dylan?’

  ‘Yes.’

  Shocko grinned. ‘Cool. Maybe I should. And he didn’t have a great voice. I mean, I know he had good lyrics and all, but his voice wasn’t so great. Maybe the harmonica would suit me better. I know my limitations. I can write amazing songs, but I don’t have the best voice.’

  ‘Neither did Leonard Cohen.’

  ‘True. And neither does Kanye, really.’

  ‘Well, there you go.’

  ‘How much do you reckon a harmonica costs? I’ve only twenty quid left from my birthday money.’

  ‘More than twenty quid.’

  ‘How much more?’

  Riley threw down her pen. ‘I don’t know – about fifty, I guess, for a decent starter one.’

  ‘Do you think I should get one that you stick onto your guitar with the long steel bar? I bet they’re more expensive.’

  ‘I wasn’t suggesting you do both. I think you should choose the harmonica instead of the guitar.’

  Shocko leaned back on the beanbag, his floppy brown hair falling over his eyes. ‘Yeah, but if I did both, that would be impressive. Especially if I did both at the same time. Harmonica and guitar – seriously cool.’

  Riley peeled dark blue varnish off her thumbnail. ‘I dunno, Shocko. I really don’t think it would be that cool. A harmonica stuck onto a guitar looks kind of nerdy.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yeah, like your mother made you play ten instruments because she thought you were gifted and you spent all of your childhood inside playing scales.’

  Shocko pushed back his hair. ‘Are you looking at it?’

  ‘Hard to miss.’ Riley smirked.

  ‘That’s why I gelled my hair down. It’s supposed to cover it. Anyway, you’re no one to talk – you’ve got a big zit on your chin.’

  Riley’s hand flew up to it. ‘I thought I’d hidden it with concealer.’

  Shocko laughed. ‘You can see it from space.’

  ‘Shit.’ Riley pulled out a hand mirror from her desk drawer. ‘Oh, God, it’s way worse than it was this morning. It must be all the stress about Sarah.’

  Damn. She had drama the next day with Zach. Riley wondered if she should pop it.

  ‘And what’s happening with your aunt?’

  Riley sighed. ‘There’s no change. She’s being kept alive because the baby shows a heartbeat. But it’s so horrific.’ She covered her face with her hands, as if blocking out the images in her head. ‘I went to say goodbye and I nearly puked when I saw her. I hate to see her like that. No one should end up that way.’

  ‘Will Adam pull the plug?’ Shocko asked.

  ‘No,’ Riley said. ‘He’s gone psycho. No one can even talk to him about ending it. We visited the other day, so I could say goodbye, and he freaked at us for being there. He thinks Mum’s going to switch off the machines or something. It’s mental. And guess what arrived yesterday evening by courier?’

  ‘What?’ Shocko said, hanging on her every word.

  ‘A solicitor’s letter, telling Mum and Granddad they’re banned from the hospital.’

  ‘Jesus, can he do that?’

  Riley shrugged. ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Banning them … That’s harsh.’

  ‘He’s a prick. You should see my poor granddad. He’s in bits. He looks about a hundred, and his annoying girlfriend keeps kissing him and massaging his shoulders. It’s gross.’

  ‘Do you think they’re having sex? Do old people still do it?’

  Riley made a face. ‘I really don’t know. I doubt it. I hope not.’

  ‘What’s the age you stop having sex? Fifty? Actually, no, it must be older. The one from Sex and the City who has loads of sex is fifty.’

  ‘Yeah, but you do realize she’s acting having sex, not actually having it.’

  Shocko threw a stray sock at her. ‘Duh, I know that, but I reckon she’s up for it in real life too. Maybe it’s sixty.’

  ‘Well, Granddad is sixty-nine, so I guess he could still be at it.’

  ‘Does your dick go all wrinkly like women’s boobs?’

  ‘Jesus, I don’t know!’

  ‘At least women can have boob jobs. Men can’t have dick jobs.’

  ‘Yeah, but men have Viagra. We don’t have that.’

  Shocko heaved himself off the beanbag and stretched his arms over his head. ‘My dad says they need to invent female Viagra ASAP. He says it’ll make marriages last way longer.’

  Riley peeled off the last piece of varnish and flicked it into the wastepaper basket. ‘I wonder if Adam will marry again. I bet he does. He’s such a selfish bastard. I bet he marries some stupid young cow who wants sex all the time.’

  Shocko rolled his shoulders to release the stiffness. ‘I thought you liked your uncle – before all this, I mean.’

  ‘I did like him. Sarah and he were crazy about each other. They had a brilliant relationship. They never seemed to fight … but, then, Sarah never fought with anyone.’

  ‘God, it’s World War Three in my house most days.’

  ‘Yeah, my parents fight too,’ Riley said. ‘But I never saw Adam and Sarah arguing.’

  Riley was worried about her family. The letter from the solicitor had pushed them over the edge. Her mum was really hurt now as well as being upset, and so was Granddad. He was coming over with annoying Olivia to discuss what to do.

  Shocko picked up his guitar and waved a hand at Riley. ‘Later. Call me if you can’t sleep again – I’ll leave my phone on.’

  ‘Thanks, I will, and thanks for last night.’

  ‘Hey, that’s what best mates are for.’

  He was leaving the room when Riley went up and hugged him from behind. ‘You’re the best, Shocko,’ she said.

  The night before she’d woken up, soaked in sweat and shaking, from a nightmare about Sarah’s bloated face and the green gunk coming out of the tube in her head. She’d called Shocko, who had talked to her for an hour until she’d felt calm enough to try to sleep again.

  Shocko clear
ed his throat. ‘Yeah, like, anytime.’

  Riley heard voices downstairs, it was her granddad and Olivia arriving. She followed Shocko down, then ran to Charlie.

  ‘Hi, Granddad.’ She flung her arms around him.

  Charlie clung to her. ‘Hello, pet. It’s good to see you.’

  ‘Hello, Mr Wilson. I’m sorry for your … your, uhm, situation.’ Shocko shook Charlie’s hand.

  ‘Oooh, is this your boyfriend, Riley?’ Olivia looked Shocko up and down. ‘He seems like a nice boy. Lovely manners anyway.’

  Shocko’s face turned a deep shade of red.

  ‘No,’ Riley said. ‘Shocko’s my best mate.’

  Olivia smiled. ‘Well, we all know that friends can turn to lovers. Charlie and I were friends first, weren’t we?’

  ‘I’m going to be sick,’ Mia muttered.

  ‘TMI!’ Riley cried out.

  ‘What’s that?’ Olivia asked.

  ‘Too much information,’ Johnny explained.

  Olivia giggled. ‘Falling in love is the most natural thing in the world. I think you two would make a lovely couple. And don’t they always say men and women can’t be best friends because one of them is always in love with the other?’

  ‘Seriously?’ Riley glared at Olivia. ‘In this century guys and girls can be mates. Maybe back in the dark ages you couldn’t, but we actually can.’

  Olivia wagged a finger. ‘Mark my words, one of you wants to be more than just a pal.’

  Riley turned to her mother. ‘Help, please.’

  ‘Olivia, Shocko is our neighbour and a friend of the family. Leave them alone now. We’ve more important things to discuss.’

  ‘What’s more important than love?’

  ‘My corpse of a sister and her dying baby,’ Mia snapped.

  ‘Well, I know that, but I was only trying to lighten the mood.’ Olivia rearranged the scarf tied around her neck.

  Riley would have liked to yank it tight to shut her up.

  ‘So, I’m just gonna head out now,’ Shocko said, as he sprinted through the front door.

  Riley wanted to go after him, to apologize for her granddad’s girlfriend being a total moron, but her dad put a hand on her shoulder. ‘Make us a pot of tea, will you, love?’

  While Riley boiled the kettle, the grown-ups sat around the kitchen table and discussed what to do about Adam turning into a total psycho.

  ‘All of the doctors have said the baby will not make it past the next week or two,’ Charlie said. ‘But I can’t stand to see her disintegrate any more. We need to give her some dignity, let poor Sarah go and have a funeral.’

  ‘I know, Dad, but Adam is just clinging to hope.’

  ‘There is no hope.’

  ‘We’ve all accepted it, but I guess it’ll take him a bit longer. Hopefully he’ll come around in the next few days or … or the baby might die. Sarah’s getting worse by the day.’

  ‘It’s wrong, Mia, wrong for us, her family, to let this happen. To allow her to be humiliated and demeaned. You can see the doctors think it’s wrong too. I found Dr Harrington crying in the room with Sarah yesterday. She said it’s the saddest case she’s seen in thirty years. It’s just so wrong.’ Charlie began to cry.

  ‘I know, Dad. I agree with you.’

  ‘As if it’s not bad enough, I get this letter from Adam’s solicitor banning me from seeing my own child. My own little girl! As if he has the right to play God with her.’ Charlie thumped the table. ‘I won’t have it.’

  ‘Hush now, Charlie.’ Olivia massaged his neck. ‘Take a deep breath in.’ Turning to Mia and Johnny she said, ‘My Robert is a barrister, as you know. I rang him last night because Charlie was in such a state. He says you can send a letter back, telling Adam to basically sod off and that he has no right to stop you seeing your own flesh and blood.’

  Mia ran a hand through her hair. ‘Look, I’d like nothing better than to send Adam a letter telling him to go to Hell, but what would that achieve? A huge family feud, in all likelihood. He could keep Izzy from us, remember. We have to think of her. We must tread carefully here, for Sarah’s sake. She’d want us to keep on good terms with Adam and, most of all, Izzy. That little girl needs us now.’

  ‘I tried calling her last night, but her phone was switched off,’ Charlie said.

  ‘That’s weird cos I called her this morning and she didn’t answer either,’ Riley said.

  ‘Maybe Adam’s taken the phone away,’ Johnny said.

  ‘I’ll see her in school on Monday. I’ll talk to her and find out.’ Riley put the tea pot on the table. She reached over and handed Charlie a KitKat. ‘I got this for you, Granddad. I think you need one today.’

  Charlie smiled. ‘I think I do. Thank you, Riley.’

  ‘Well, it’s a disgrace the way Adam’s treating his father-in-law,’ Olivia said. ‘My Robert said you need to push back with bullies. Push back hard, he said. Show him you’re not afraid of him and you will not be told what to do. He needs to know you’re not doormats.’

  ‘Amazingly, I agree with Olivia,’ Mia said.

  Johnny poured them all tea. ‘But Mia’s right, too. We need to tread carefully. If we end up in a legal fight with Adam, it could turn very nasty.’

  ‘He’s the one who’s turned nasty,’ Charlie said.

  ‘I never in my wildest dreams thought I’d say this, but I’m now praying the baby will die soon.’ Mia wiped her eyes with a tissue. ‘I feel so bad for even thinking that.’

  Riley handed her mum a KitKat too. Maybe it would help. Mia unwrapped it, broke off a piece and rolled it between her fingers. Riley could see the chocolate melting.

  ‘I want it all to be over. It’s too much pain and sadness,’ Mia said.

  ‘It is, pet, it really is.’ Charlie reached over and took Mia’s chocolaty hand in his.

  ‘Do you think Rob can talk him round?’ Johnny said. ‘I’ve a feeling he’s really torn about this.’

  ‘Rob is just hanging in there, being the one ally Adam has,’ Mia said. ‘I suppose, as his brother, that’s all he can do, regardless of what he thinks.’

  ‘So what should we do, then?’ Johnny said. ‘Are we going to use Olivia’s son and get legal?’

  Mia and Charlie exchanged a look. ‘I’d really rather not,’ Mia said. ‘It would be a dangerous move.’

  ‘I’m sorely tempted,’ Charlie said, ‘but Adam is so much in shock, he’s not capable of rational thought. A letter isn’t going to change that.’

  ‘Are you all going to stay away from the hospital?’ Olivia asked.

  ‘I don’t really want to see Sarah again,’ Charlie said quietly, ‘but I’d still like to be able to go there, talk to the doctors and be near her.’

  ‘Me too,’ Mia said. ‘The only time I’m at peace is when I’m next to her. I need that.’

  Riley felt a stab of pain through her heart. She had lost her aunt, but she had no idea what it was like to lose a sister. She couldn’t imagine what her mother was going through.

  ‘Then we continue to visit and try not to antagonize Adam?’ Johnny said.

  ‘I suppose,’ Mia said. ‘Although he’ll get riled up no matter how nice we are to him.’ She sighed. ‘There’s no good option. It’s one rotten choice after another.’

  ‘Adam will come round,’ Johnny said. ‘I know it feels unending, but there’s no way he can ignore what’s happening to Sarah. He’s resisting the truth, but it’s there and he can’t change it. It’s hard to like him at the moment, but we have to treat him with kindness.’

  ‘That’s a tall order, Johnny,’ Charlie said, shaking his head.

  ‘We’ll try,’ Mia said, putting her other hand over Charlie’s.

  Riley wondered if she should get them some kitchen roll to wipe the chocolate off their hands, but she was afraid to move. Everyone was silent and still. Her heart ached, for her mum, for her granddad, for Sarah, but most of all for Izzy.

  38

  ‘Mummy always washes my hair,’ Izzy screamed.
‘Not you! Mummy! You don’t know how. She dries it all fluffy and wavy and makes me look beautiful.’

  ‘I’m sure I can do that, if you show me how,’ Adam pleaded. ‘Uncle Rob will help and we’ll do it, I promise, Izzy.’

  ‘Sure,’ Rob said. He was leaning against the frame of the bathroom door, watching his brother be mentally defeated by a seven-year-old. ‘I’m pretty good at doing hair, Izzy. You know that.’

  Izzy crossed her arms. ‘No hair washing. I told you, I want to go and see Mummy. If she knows my hair is dirty and knotty, she’ll wake up. She hates dirty hair and knots. She always brushed my hair before I went to bed, like a real princess.’

  ‘Izzy, I explained that you can’t see Mummy right now.’

  ‘Why?’ she demanded, her bottom lip quivering.

  Adam struggled to explain. ‘Because she’s very sick and only the doctors can see her at the moment.’

  ‘Why can’t they give her medicine to wake her up?’ Izzy asked, tears welling in her eyes.

  Adam reached out and held her hand. ‘They’re trying, Sweet-pea, but she can’t wake up.’

  ‘But why, Daddy?’

  ‘Because she had this lump in her head and it made her very sick and now she’s asleep and, to be honest, Izzy, she …’ Adam tried to choose his words carefully. ‘Mummy might not wake up.’

  Izzy shook her head. ‘Maybe not for the moment, but I know for sure she’ll wake up for my Communion. I know it for one hundred per cent sure. Mummy will not be asleep for my special day. No way.’

  Adam didn’t have the courage to tell her otherwise. How do you speak the words that will break a child’s heart? He looked at Rob, who shrugged helplessly.

  Izzy took off her glasses and began to clean them with the edge of her skirt. ‘So, if Mummy can’t do my hair, then Mia or Riley can. I can go over after school tomorrow and wash it there.’

  ‘No, Izzy. I’ve told you I want you to stay away from Mia and Riley for the moment.’

  ‘But I don’t understand. You said you had a fight, so just say sorry and make up.’

  ‘It’s a bit more complicated than that.’

  ‘But I want to see Riley and Mia and Johnny.’