Seven Letters

by Sinéad Moriarty

  ‘I know, but just for the moment we’re going to let things cool off. It’ll all be fine, but for now I need you to stay away.’

  ‘But I don’t want to. I love them. They’re my family. Riley’s my only cousin. I want Riley to do my hair.’

  ‘Not at the moment, Izzy. I’ll do it. You can show me how, and it’ll be fun.’

  ‘It’s not fair!’ Izzy shouted. ‘You have Uncle Rob and I have no one. I want to see Riley.’

  ‘You have me and Uncle Rob,’ Adam said. ‘We’re here for you, Izzy.’

  ‘I want to see Riley,’ she moaned.

  ‘Maybe we could …’ Rob began, but Adam shot him a warning look.

  ‘It’ll be OK, Izzy, I promise. Me, you and Rob make a great team.’

  ‘I hate you and I hate Mummy for not waking up and I hate everyone and everything and the whole stinky world and … and …’ Izzy began to wail, her whole body shaking.

  Adam held her close and rocked her. He couldn’t look up at Rob. He didn’t want to see the expression on his face. Izzy was distraught. He rocked her and rocked her until she fell asleep in his arms from sheer exhaustion, and he prayed that he was doing the right thing for his family.

  Adam sat in the ICU waiting room, drinking a tepid coffee and trying to work himself up to go and sit with Sarah. Angela had just told him that Sarah’s infection had got worse and he was dreading seeing her. A man of about his age was sitting on the couch opposite, talking quietly into his phone. Adam could hear snippets of his conversation.

  ‘He’s not good … You need to get a flight. He’ll want to see you … Yeah, eighty-two is a good age … Still, he’s our dad … OK … Call me with your flight time.’

  Eighty-two was a good age. Eighty-two was the right age to die. Not thirty-four. Thirty-four was stupidly young – you had decades ahead of you. Sarah would never see Izzy grow up, graduate, get married, have babies. She was going to miss her daughter’s whole life. Adam hunched over, trying to block out everything else and focus on the one positive: his son. Sarah’s parting gift.

  The man opposite got up to leave the room. He and Rob almost collided as Rob pushed open the door to come in.

  ‘I brought fresh coffee,’ Rob said, holding up two cups. ‘Here.’ He handed one to Adam. ‘You’ll probably never drink another coffee as long as you live after all this.’

  They sat in silence for a few minutes. Then Rob said, ‘Adam, I got a text from Mia to say she’d had a letter asking her to stay away. Is that true?’

  ‘I had to do something,’ Adam said. His heart was pounding with all the caffeine and he felt jittery and nauseous.

  ‘You sent them a legal letter?’ Rob said, and it was clear he was shocked. ‘Jesus, no wonder Mia was so upset. Adam, this is your family. It’s Sarah’s family. Do you think that was fair?’

  ‘Look, I have to keep Mia and Charlie away from her. I can’t handle them telling me I’m wrong, telling me to switch off the ventilator, to let her go. It’s like a drill in my head. I can’t focus when they’re around. I’m worried, Rob. I’m scared they’ll talk to the doctors behind my back. This is my wife, my baby, my decision.’

  Rob shook his head. ‘I understand that it’s your decision, and I’m with you on this, but locking them out from their own sister and daughter, that’s kind of something else. I’m not sure you’re thinking straight, man.’

  ‘I didn’t want to send the solicitor’s letter,’ Adam said defensively, ‘but I’m afraid of them. I’m afraid they’ll do something when I’m not here. I need them to go away and let me make my own decisions without their constant opinions in my ear, morning, noon and night. I just cannot take another lecture on why it’s wrong to keep Sarah alive. It’s like they don’t realize how hard this is for me. Yes, it would be easier to say stop, but I have to give my boy every possible chance. Don’t I, Rob? Don’t I?’

  Rob looked at him and bit his lip. ‘Yes, you do. If there’s a chance, I understand you want to take it. If there’s a chance.’

  ‘Don’t you turn on me too,’ Adam growled.

  ‘I’m not,’ Rob said quickly. ‘I’m just saying that it’s important we assess things realistically. Your son is very tiny and very vulnerable. We have to take everything into account.’

  ‘That’s what I’m doing,’ Adam said, jumping up. His body felt restless and trapped. He ached in every joint and muscle from the stiff chairs and the lack of sleep. He was like an alien to himself.

  ‘Calm down. We’re just talking,’ Rob said, raising his hands. ‘That’s all.’

  Before Adam could answer, the waiting-room door pushed open and he whirled round to make sure it wasn’t Mia or Charlie. It was Dr Mayhew.

  ‘Adam, I was wondering if I could have a word?’

  ‘Sure, go ahead,’ Adam said. ‘You know my brother Rob. You can say anything in front of him.’

  ‘Let’s take a seat,’ the doctor said. He sat across from Adam and threaded his fingers together. ‘Adam, I know you’ve endured a singularly terrible trauma in what has happened to your wife, and while this is awful for you to hear, I feel it’s important that you are made fully aware of the facts of Sarah’s deterioration. Charlie and Mia have spoken to me and they are deeply concerned about Sarah’s condition. I know you’re the next-of-kin and that Sarah is your wife and this is your baby. I know you have issues with Mia and Charlie, but my staff and I can’t enter into those disagreements. I hope you understand our impartiality.’

  ‘Talk to them all you want,’ Adam said, ‘but I don’t want them here and I’ve made that clear. Whatever they say to you doesn’t hold weight with me. I’m just doing my best for Ben. That’s all I care about.’

  ‘It’s good we understand each other. Now, I have to prepare you for today and the coming days, Adam, as the deterioration progresses. There are currently seven different syringe pumps needed to give Sarah the range of antibiotics necessary to combat the infections in her brain and body. These medications will affect the foetus. The wound in Sarah’s head needs constant dressing. She has neurosurgical meningitis. She also has pneumonia, a urinary tract infection, a high temperature, a high white cell count, an increased heart rate, and liver dysfunction. I don’t mean to be brutal or harsh, Adam, I’m sorry to be so blunt, but I need you to understand how dire the situation has become. There is evidence of a fungus growing on Sarah’s brain.’

  Shock jolted Adam and bile rose in his throat. He rushed across the room and threw up in a bin in the corner, his body heaving.

  ‘Jesus, Doctor, go easy on him,’ Rob said angrily. ‘That’s too much.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Dr Mayhew said, his voice full of emotion. ‘I just need you to see the truth. This is the most difficult case I have ever worked on. I know this decision is unbearable, but your wife’s body is literally falling apart and we can’t stop it.’

  Adam wiped his mouth with his hand. His brain was racing so fast he couldn’t catch hold of the thoughts. He was capable of focusing on only one thing at a time. ‘But the baby still has a heartbeat, right?’

  Dr Mayhew sighed. ‘We can detect a foetal heartbeat, yes, but the chances of survival are, at this point, non-existent. That is the considered opinion of every member of the medical team, from every discipline. It’s unanimous.’

  ‘Exactly. It’s your opinion. You’re not sitting here with anything other than an opinion. My opinion says heartbeat equals life. I choose life.’

  ‘Adam,’ Dr Mayhew said, sitting forward, ‘please listen to me. The foetus is –’

  ‘I need air,’ Adam said. He couldn’t take another second of this. The stale air of the waiting room was clawing at his throat. He pulled open the door and walked quickly down the hall, away from Dr Mayhew and his Doomsday scenarios.

  Adam went towards the hospital exit. He heard running footsteps behind him and knew without turning that it would be Rob.

  ‘I can’t breathe,’ he said, as Rob drew up alongside him.

  ‘We’re nearly ther
e. Keep going. Fresh air will do you good,’ Rob said, steering his brother by his elbow towards the door.

  Adam stepped outside and drew in a huge lungful of fresh air. When he opened his eyes, he saw Mia. She was the last person he’d expected to be there.

  ‘What are you doing here?’

  ‘I’ve come to see my sister.’

  ‘You’re banned. I banned you.’

  ‘Look, Adam, I don’t want to argue with you. She’s my sister. I want to see her, to talk to her.’

  Adam felt his nerves jangling. Did Dr Mayhew arrange this? He’d said he’d been talking to her. Was this some sort of conspiracy designed to rob Sarah of her life? ‘You’ve been talking to the doctors behind my back. Dr Mayhew just told me. I don’t trust you. Stay away from her.’

  ‘For God’s sake, Adam, I’m not going to switch the bloody ventilator off. I just want to see her.’

  ‘I don’t want any of you near her. She is my wife and that’s my baby.’

  ‘Yes, we get it. You’ve only said it a million times,’ Mia snapped, ‘but she is also my sister and Dad’s daughter. Can you imagine Izzy’s husband blocking you from seeing her? Can you imagine what that feels like? You are hurting Dad terribly.’

  Adam felt a fury rage through him. ‘Don’t you dare bring Izzy into this. This is typical of you, trying to control me and my decisions. Well, back the fuck away, Mia. I’m warning you.’

  ‘Calm down, Adam,’ Rob said, putting his hand on Adam’s arm.

  ‘Don’t threaten me,’ Mia shouted. ‘I’ve had enough of you trying to bully Dad and me. We’ll visit Sarah if we want to. I’m not going to follow suit and send you legal letters, but I did get advice and the legal situation is that you can’t ban us.’

  Adam curled his hands into fists. He wanted to smash something. Bloody Mia and her bloody self-righteousness.

  ‘Sarah wouldn’t want this, Adam. You’re hurting her and the baby. What’s happening to them is obscene.’

  ‘You will not order me around,’ Adam shouted. ‘Get the hell out of my business.’

  ‘Someone’s going to call security,’ Rob said, putting his face right up against Adam’s. ‘You have got to calm down. We can talk about this without the shouting.’

  ‘She’s my sister. You can’t treat us like this, Adam. Do you honestly think Sarah would be happy with the way you’re treating her family?’

  People were staring at them, but Adam couldn’t have cared less. ‘Do you think she’d want me to give up on her baby?’

  ‘Giving up and letting go are two totally different things,’ Mia said.

  A security guard walked over to them. ‘Is everything all right here?’ he asked.

  ‘Just emotions running high,’ Rob said. ‘There’s no problem.’

  ‘This lady was leaving.’ Adam glared at Mia.

  Mia pulled her bag up on her shoulder, wiped her eyes and turned to walk away.

  Instead of feeling triumphant, Adam felt sick. Sick, tired, worn out and drained. He no longer recognized his life. He was disoriented all the time.

  ‘Let’s go back inside,’ Rob said wearily. ‘We can work through what the doctor said.’

  Adam let himself be led away, but he knew his own mind already. Sarah had always believed in miracles. She wished on rainbows, saluted magpies, bought unicorns for Izzy and adored stories of triumph against all the odds.

  Sarah would send him a miracle. She would send him Ben.

  39

  Mia pulled up outside her childhood home. The grass needed cutting. She’d ask Johnny to do it. Olivia’s car was in the driveway. Mia really didn’t want to deal with her right now. She wanted a chat with her dad, alone.

  She’d take him out for coffee if she had to: she was damned if Olivia was going to stick her nose in. Mia didn’t think it was too much to ask for one private conversation with her father after all of the upheaval in their lives. She’d wanted to tell him about her run-in with Adam but had decided not to. Charlie was upset enough about Adam – she didn’t need to make things worse.

  She rang the doorbell. It felt strange not just putting her key in the lock and walking in, like she used to, but she had to respect Olivia’s privacy, however grudgingly.

  Olivia answered the door, dressed to the nines and fully made up with her red lipstick.

  ‘Hi,’ Mia said curtly and moved to walk past her. But her father’s fiancée blocked the door. ‘Hold on a minute there. I want a word with you. I’m on my way out to see my grandson performing in the school orchestra. He’s a trombone player, such a talent. Of course, music was always in our family – I play the piano myself.’

  ‘Is that it?’ Mia asked. ‘Is that what you wanted to tell me? That your grandson is a trombone prodigy?’

  ‘No, that’s not it. I want to make sure you’re not going to upset your father. I’m very concerned about him. He has barely eaten or slept in over a week.’

  Neither have I, Mia wanted to shout.

  ‘He needs to be kept calm and not upset.’

  Mia sighed. ‘Right. Well, Olivia, to be fair, there isn’t much I can do to make the situation of his daughter being brain dead any better.’

  Olivia pursed her lips. ‘No need to be snippy, Mia. I’m only looking after your father’s welfare. As my Robert said to me, “That man is lucky to have you in his life to take good care of him.”’

  Mia was too tired, emotionally drained and sleep-deprived for Olivia’s nonsense. ‘What do you want, Olivia? A medal for being nice to Dad? Do you want me to get down on my knees and thank you for making him drink green tea?’

  Olivia bristled. ‘A simple acknowledgement of my support and care would be nice.’

  Was this woman for real? Did she honestly think Mia owed her something? What did she want? A box of chocolates for being nice to Charlie, whom she was trying to railroad into marrying her? This was ridiculous. ‘I’m sorry I haven’t been praising you and showering you with gifts of thanks, but I’ve been kind of busy trying to deal with my sister and her baby.’

  ‘I know it’s been hard on you, but Charlie is considerably older and less able to cope with this trauma. He’s desperately upset, and he even snapped at me this morning, which is most unlike him.’

  ‘Why did he snap at you?’

  ‘I was trying to get him to eat some quinoa porridge. I’d even added raspberries to it because I know he likes those. Quinoa is supposed to give you lots of energy and fill you up without bloating you and … Well, that’s what the nice young man in the health shop told me. But Charlie pushed the dish aside and said it was something you’d feed pigs in a trough.’

  Mia grinned.

  ‘All very well for you to laugh. You’re still young – you can survive on coffee and chocolate, but your father can’t.’

  Mia held up her hand to try to stop Olivia droning on. ‘I know you’re trying to help, but what Dad needs now is to drink ten cups of bloody coffee a day if he wants to, and if he wants to survive on doughnuts or chocolate, then let him. Stop trying to force him to eat healthily. Do that later. For now, just let him eat and drink whatever he wants to get through the day.’

  Olivia picked up her handbag from the hall table. ‘I most certainly will not let him survive on sugar and caffeine. If I did, I’d be neglecting my duties as a fiancée.’ She pulled on her trench coat, then wagged a finger in Mia’s face. ‘I’ll be back in an hour or so and I do not want to find Charlie high on caffeine and sugar. It’s bad for his heart.’

  ‘Off you go. You don’t want to miss a beat of that wonderful trombone playing.’

  Olivia glanced at her watch. ‘Yes, I’d best be off.’

  Mia resisted the urge to push her out of the door and opted to slam it instead.

  ‘Mia? Is that you?’ Charlie called from the kitchen.

  ‘Yes, just coming Dad.’

  Mia went in and found her father standing in front of the door that led into the back garden.

  ‘Is she gone?’

&nbs
p; ‘Yes.’

  ‘Thank God. Did you bring them?’

  Mia smiled. ‘Yes, I did.’ She pulled a packet of cigarettes from her bag and handed them to her father. ‘I’m only letting you smoke one or two.’

  ‘That’ll do.’

  ‘And Riley sent you two KitKats.’

  ‘The little dote.’

  ‘And I brought brandy. I’ll make us some brandy coffees.’

  ‘Thank you, pet. You’re a good girl.’

  Mia clung to the little compliment and allowed it to warm her heart.

  They sat outside, Charlie insisting they were at the very end of the garden, so no smoke smell could waft into the house. ‘If Olivia even thinks I was smoking, she’ll never leave me alone again.’

  Mia handed her father his coffee laced with brandy and lit his cigarette. ‘Two things. First of all, this is your house and you can do whatever you want in or outside it. Second of all, you are sixty-nine years old and it’s ridiculous that you’re letting her boss you about.’

  Charlie inhaled deeply on his cigarette and moaned with pleasure. ‘Twenty-five years since I had my last, and it tastes wonderful.’

  Mia only smoked the odd cigarette at very late-night parties, which she hardly ever went to now, but she joined her father in his illicit activity.

  They puffed and drank in companionable silence.

  ‘I’m used to bossy women,’ Charlie admitted. ‘Your mother was bossy, too.’

  ‘Hang on a minute,’ Mia said, annoyed. ‘Mum was nothing like Olivia. Olivia is a whole other world of controlling. Don’t let her take over your life, Dad.’

  Charlie stubbed his cigarette out, then picked up the butt and threw it deep into the bushes. ‘I barely know what day it is at the moment. Olivia is doing her best to keep me sane.’

  ‘I’m here for you too, Dad. Don’t forget that. I can’t sleep, so you can call me anytime, day or night.’

  ‘I wouldn’t do that. Sure I’d wake up Johnny.’

  ‘Honestly, Dad, I spend most nights pacing the house. Call me anytime.’

  Charlie put his mug on the ground and lit his second cigarette. ‘How did we end up here, Mia? I must have done something terrible in a past life. No man should see his beloved daughter in that state.’ He rubbed his eyes. ‘I can’t get that image of her bloated face and bulging eyes out of my mind. It haunts me.’