When Colour Became Grey

by A Lorenzen

  I looked straight ahead without blinking. ‘I don’t know how Jesper could come up with such a theory. I was in a relationship with Ben, but he did not talk to me about what happened to his recruit. I assume something happened involving vampires, but I don’t know who might have been part of it. I couldn’t have ‘dragged him down’ because I don’t know anything. It’s unfortunate Jesper feels this way, but I bear him no ill will. It must be hard for him losing his trainer.’

  I was so far away from the situation it was almost as if I was outside my body, looking down at myself in my hearing. I didn’t care about the outcome. I had no feelings about it or any of the people involved. It was all unimportant.

  ‘We find it hard to believe the trainer named Ben did not share any information about his past with you.’

  ‘He did share some things with me, but Ben was a quiet man who didn’t like to talk about himself. You must know this from the times you spoke with him. If he didn’t feel comfortable sharing things with me, I did not push him to do so.’

  ‘You seem composed for someone who lost their partner in a vampire attack,’ they remarked, leaning towards me.

  I blinked and took my time before answering. ‘I’m not composed,’ I started and took a deep breath, ‘I’m devastated. I feel powerless. He was a great man. And I am… deeply saddened he was taken from me.’

  I had a strange feeling when speaking about him. I knew there was darkness that surrounded my heart. But it felt like my emotions were far away from me, like I was looking at them from the other side of the river and there was no bridge to connect my mind to my emotions. I knew they were there, but I couldn’t feel them.

  ‘Do you believe you did everything in your power to assist in the survival of the trainer named Ben?’

  I looked at them. ‘Yes. I was the one who called Jesper,’ I added. They needed to know he had been involved. It was important to me they knew that. Why it was so important to me? I didn’t know.

  ‘Do you believe the master named Jesper did everything he could to assist in the survival of the trainer named Ben?’ they continued.

  I tilted my head. I knew what I wanted to say, but the words failed me. ‘It is not up to me to pass judgment on Jesper.’

  ‘Answer the question,’ they said louder.

  ‘I will not answer. It is your task to judge the actions of Jesper, not mine.’

  The creatures simultaneously leant back.

  A few minutes of silence passed. My eyes swung from one end of the table to the other. The creatures didn’t move an inch. Like corpses.

  ‘You are free to go,’ they finally conceded.

  Slowly, I turned towards the door and approached it. The hall was void of all sounds except for the clicking of my heels on the stone floor. The door creaked open and a beam of light entered the hall. I walked into the light, the wooden door swinging closed behind me. I continued down the marble hall towards the exit.

  The exit door was wide open, letting in light from the sun. I stepped outside and stopped for a moment; my eyes were blinded by the sudden light. My feet carried me to my Volvo. Once inside I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply. Another day had almost passed. One day closer to seeing my family again. One day closer to leaving everything behind me.

  I turned the key in the ignition and sped off down the usual route towards the one place where I could forget my troubles. With a brisk pace, I crossed the parking lot, through one door, then the next and steered towards the bar. I grabbed a whisky bottle and downed four shots in thirty seconds. Nothing changed. I downed another four and waited.

  Slowly my mind numbed. Clutching the whisky bottle in one hand and the shot glass in the other, I poured myself several more shots. It wasn’t long before I was drunk. The bar was filling up with cheerful and happy people. The noise annoyed me. I left.

  The next best medicine involved demons. I drove to the nearest hideout but didn’t have any luck. The next was also a bust. But the third one, yes, the third one was a success. With my trusted handgun by my side I walked in, shooting any moloch I could see. The dark cave fell silent except for the ringing of the gun shots that echoed in my ears. I used my phone to light up the corners. Nothing but moloch corpses.

  I turned around, ready to head out, when I saw one lying by my feet. I kneeled down to it. A trail of blood trickled from its abdomen. Its head was twisted backwards at an angle that assured me its neck was broken. Its jaw was wide open; hair covered its face.

  I could feel the temptation. I remembered the high I had felt when I first drank moloch blood. It was so close. Hesitantly I reached with my right index finger into the thick red liquid. I brought the finger up to my nose; there was a hint of copper. Just one taste. Who cared anyway?

  I leant my head backwards and lifted the finger above my mouth and stuck out my tongue. A drop of blood fell from my finger down onto my tongue.

  Like honey to a bear I couldn’t resist. I plunged my finger inside my mouth and licked the red liquid off it. I dipped my index and middle finger back in the gaping hole in the monster’s torso and repeated the process.

  Memories of my hearing from earlier flashed back into my conscience, more and more numerously, more intensely. However, this time I was no longer detached from my feelings. The bridge had formed between my mind and my feelings.

  ‘Come back to me,’ I whispered. No answer.

  Tears left my eyes and dripped onto the dead moloch by my feet. This was worse than hell. There was no escaping this! My eyes opened.

  Yes, there was.

  I dipped my hand into the blood and licked my fingers eagerly. The euphoria mixed with my tears and pain. The sorrow overpowered the ecstasy quickly. All I cared about was numbing the anguish I was in, but the moloch didn’t have enough blood in him. And I didn’t want to dig too deep into the body. Though the red velvet was my absolution, I was not about to rip open a moloch and lick off all the insides. I could get another one.

  I jumped up and ran outside. Where were they? Where had they gone?

  My head was spinning from the sudden movement. The alcohol still coursed through my system. I tumbled along the tall brick wall. Come on, you little fucks!

  I turned a corner but nothing, only an empty street filled with parked cars. The yellow streetlight created pockets of light in the dark. A breeze picked up and a gust of wind periodically pulled at my clothes, messing up my hair.

  My search continued. I had to find them. I was not done. Come on, show yourself! I wobbled further along a bend, but the streets were deserted. The houses were all dark, the humans sleeping peacefully inside. Or so I assumed. The humans were all safely on the other side of the curtain while I was here patrolling and keeping them safe.

  Too quickly my thoughts became as sombre as the night. My heartbreak slowed me down. I began to sob. What would I do without him? Life was pointless without him. Where was he? Why? Why did he have to be taken away from me? Why did he go after that shitty vampire? Why did he have to…- Why?!

  I broke down crying. I had not tasted enough of the red drug and grief was taking over. I sank down along the wall onto the cold ground. There was a hole in my heart, a big empty hole that would never be filled again.

  I pulled my legs towards me and crossed my arms over my knees, burying my face into my cocoon. Someone please come and kill me. Someone please come and release me from my pain.

  No one came. No one would help me.

  I pulled my head up and stared down the alley. The tall buildings encircled me. What was I still doing here? What was the point of it all? Why? Why did I have to endure this any longer?

  It had to end.

  I couldn’t bear it anymore.

  I raised myself up and looked at the gun in my hand. It would be the easiest way out. Blake had said I couldn’t kill myself but maybe it was a lie. It was too unbearable to stay in this misery, alone. Without him.

  Seeing no other way out, I put the gun to my temple. I closed my eyes, sobbing uncontrollably.
Please lord, let me go. Let me join him in heaven.

  I was doing it. Yes, I was doing it. This was it. I inhaled deeply and steadied myself.

  ‘No!’

  Someone interrupted my beautiful moment! I opened my eyes and saw a figure running towards me. The shadow took shape and I recognized Blake.

  Oh for fuck’s sake!

  ‘What are you doing here?!’ I screamed at him, the gun still on my temple.

  ‘Don’t do it, Meerah, don’t pull the trigger!’ he pleaded, approaching me carefully. Blake stopped a few steps in front of me.

  ‘Why? I can’t kill myself anyway! Or was that a lie??’ I barked at him, tears smearing across my face.

  ‘You can’t kill yourself, but there is a difference between pointing the gun at yourself and actually pulling the trigger! Please, Meerah, it must be so hard for you, but this isn’t the solution! If you pull the trigger and realize it didn’t solve your problems, it will be so much worse! Please, I’m begging you, put the gun down!’

  Blake lifted his arms, palms stretched out towards the gun.

  ‘No!’ I screamed and backed away until I hit the wall behind me. There was no escape. ‘Please,’ I begged the gods. No answer. I let out a desperate scream. The gun trembled in my hand. I closed my eyes, trying to convince myself to do it.

  Maybe he was lying.

  ‘He wouldn’t have wanted you to do it,’ Blake whispered.

  ‘Don’t speak of him!’ I shouted. No one could ever mention him again. It was too painful.

  ‘You know I’m right,’ he continued.

  Damn.

  I couldn’t.

  No, I didn’t want to be here.

  Let me go!

  ‘Please, Meerah.’ Blake inched his way closer.

  The gun trembled in my hand.

  Blake approached, his hands so close to the gun.

  ‘Give me the gun, please,’ he whispered. His hands closed around the gun. The sobs shook through me.

  I wanted to.

  I wanted it all to end.

  But he was right. Ben wouldn’t have wanted me to pull the trigger.

  Images of his empty eyes staring at me invaded my mind.

  I let go of the gun. Blake secured it and stashed it away before I had time to change my mind. I broke down in pain and slid back down the wall and onto the cold concrete. No escape from this hellhole. No salvation, no mercy.

  Blake kneeled across from me and placed his arms around me.

  I woke up with the sunrise. The house was silent, dead silent. All I could hear was my own breathing and the ticking of a clock somewhere. Sadness washed over me, but no tears reached my eyes. What would I do with myself now? Could I just pick up where I had left off? Go back to training and killing monsters as if nothing had happened?

  A strange sense overcame me. A sensation that was familiar, but I couldn’t remember where or when I had experience it. I was sad about the loss I had suffered, but I was unable to feel my pain. I knew I felt sorrow and I was broken. But I was unable to connect to my emotions. Like a robot I understood the concept of loss and I knew I was suffering, but I couldn’t… feel it.

  I got out of the bed. The sunrays accompanied me into the kitchen, where I turned on the dusty coffee machine. Moments later the boiling water dripped into the pot with the black essence in it. The growling and ticking of the machine gave me a sense of normalcy. I always had a cup of coffee in the morning. Maybe if I had one every day, at some point it would start tasting of something again.

  Caleb was still sleeping. I walked back to my room. It stank of sweat and stuffiness. The sheets were still moist from tortured dreams and tears. I had spent too much time in here. My five minutes mourning were over. I had to get back to it. There was no grievance leave for ghosts. There was no tolerance for human emotion in this world. But then again, we weren’t humans anymore…

  I picked up my phone and saw a myriad of missed calls and messages. I didn’t want to read them. I deleted them all. They would all be messages of sympathy and about how they felt my pain, as if anyone knew what I was feeling!

  What was I feeling? It was strange. Like wearing tight clothes after having just been in the sea and I could feel the sand and the salt rubbing between my skin and my clothes. I couldn’t assimilate with my pain; there was a layer of salt and sand between my pain and my mind.

  The only person I wanted to see was Kim. Even if she would try to make me feel better, she was the only one who would be able to talk about anything else, and I certainly didn’t want to talk about it. There was nothing to talk about! He was gone! Nothing could be done, reversed, changed. The thought of people trying to empathize angered me. How dare someone say they knew what I felt?!

  I texted Kim I wanted to see her tonight.

  Someone came through the front door. I walked out of my room and looked out. Blake made his way into the living room of Caleb’s house.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ I asked him, aware of what had happened last night. A peak of shame washed over me but anger quickly replaced it. I crossed my arms over my chest and leant on the doorframe.

  ‘I wanted to check on you,’ he answered quietly.

  Of course you did.

  Blake sat down on the sofa and I made myself walk over and sit on the armchair across from him.

  My brain was thinking surprisingly clearly. ‘What were you doing last night?’ I asked him point-blank. Blake didn’t answer.

  ‘Were you following me?’ I pushed. He looked at me but still didn’t answer.

  Of course he was. I shook my head in disbelief. ‘Why?’

  Blake sighed. ‘Because I was worried about you.’

  ‘And you wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to do anything stupid?’ He just couldn’t help himself, could he?

  ‘Lucky I did.’ The words slipped out of his mouth. It pissed me off to hear them and I could tell it annoyed him to have said them.

  ‘I couldn’t harm myself.’

  Now Blake shook his head. ‘You still intended to pull the trigger!’

  He shifted closer to the edge of the sofa, closer to me. ‘I can’t imagine the pain-’

  ‘Don’t!’ I shouted. Silence followed.

  ‘I just want to make sure you are ok,’ Blake tried again.

  ‘I’m not. And I won’t ever be.’ I got up from the armchair. ‘Stop following me.’

  ‘Ameerah’ He got up as well and came up behind me. I turned to him and waited for him to speak.

  ‘I want to us to get along. I want you to trust me again.’ Blake’s usually fiery blue eyes were a soft ocean blue. His voice was calm and pleading.

  I looked into his eyes. He seemed genuine. The cold-hearted trainer was gone. A strand of his blond hair had fallen down onto his forehead, softening his hard features. He meant well, but I needed him to give me space.

  ‘Let me grieve’, I whispered. I turned away again and walked into the bathroom. I locked the door and could feel the familiar sensation of tears welling up.

  Would I have to limit my conversations to ten minutes before the sorrow was too much and the tears would make me break down again? How could I wish my sorrow away when it was the only thing I had left of him?

  I closed my eyes, but there he was again, smiling at me. The beautiful memory was destroyed, replaced with his dead face staring at me. I tried to shake the image out of my head; it was burnt into my brain.

  After a day of tidying up my room, I had managed to push all my memories of him into a dark corner. Caleb’s magic alleviated some of the torture. I did my best to live with the rest.

  Later on, I met up with Kim at Santa’s pub. It was midday so the pub was almost empty. Those who were present sat quietly in their corners, either speaking in low voices or not speaking at all. I preferred this atmosphere to a cheerful crowd.

  Kim took me into her arms and wouldn’t let go. She must have gotten stronger. Her embrace was bone-crushing. Only a few moments sufficed and I could feel the tears ri
sing, so I pushed her away. ‘I don’t want to cry again,’ I whimpered before the moisture in my eyes dissipated.

  ‘I’m so sorry, about what happened. I wish I had been there…’

  ‘There is nothing you could have done,’ I responded absently. The image of Ben dying in my arms reappeared. I blinked quickly and changed the subject. ‘Please tell me about you, distract me,’ I pleaded.

  Kim told me about how Dominic had been making her train hard and giving her assignments on end. It had however paid off; since she and Dominic had killed an exceptionally high number of molochs over the past few months, they had shortened both their sentences by one year.

  I could see the fatigue in her eyes. Her usually voluptuous black hair was dull and straw-like, her skin had taken on a slight yellow tone, but her movements were faster. Though her eyes flicked around the bar to capture all possible threats, the bags under them revealed her tiredness. She was not watchful; she was restless.

  ‘And what about June?’ I asked.

  Kim smiled and her cheeks reddened. ‘Yeah, she is… yeah, just really nice and so sweet and kind…’

  You could clearly see on her face she was in love. Seeing her happy reminded me too much of him. ‘So when are we having another girl’s night with face masks?’

  ‘Oh great idea! How about tomorrow? I can come to you,’ she suggested.

  ‘I live at Caleb’s place at the moment. I don’t know how he will feel about it. I would prefer your place to be honest. Blake keeps following me and wanting to ‘check up on me’, so if I can avoid him as well that will be great. All this tip-toeing around me is starting to get on my nerves.’

  ‘No problem. I can get rid of Dom easily. He’ll love the opportunity to go out drinking and chasing women. Actually, no; I will tell him to go kill some molochs! Maybe they’ll take another year off our sentences!’

  ‘They might have shortened your sentence but the way you’re looking you might not last until the end if you keep this going.’ I realized this hellhole would probably break us on many levels, not only physically.