Reclaiming Katie

by Gardner, M. L.

  "I'm sorry." Katie knew it would be the first of many apologies to her mother, but getting the first one out of the way was a relief. "I guess that's why I came by. To say I'm sorry." She took a shuddering breath and closed her eyes. "For so much."

  "I read about Tom in the papers. I thought maybe that was why…"

  Katie didn't know what to say. It was partly the reason. "I drove around for hours. I didn't know where else to go."

  Her mother nodded, smiling down at the baby.

  "Do they know who did it?"

  She gave an ugly laugh. "I think they suspect me."

  Her mother's head snapped up. Apparently the thought had never crossed her mind. "But you didn't." It wasn't quite a question.

  "Of course I didn't. But since I had filed for divorce and he had just sold the land I planted…and I knew…" She paused and covered her eyes with her hand. "The whole town knew he was cheating on me. I guess they figured I snapped."

  "Well, you're not in jail, so they can't feel too strongly about that."

  Katie shrugged. "I was packing to leave when the police showed up to tell me. I guess that didn't look good."

  "Where were you going to go?"

  "I don't know." She covered her face again and tears she thought had run dry surfaced again. "This is just…it's so much more than I bargained for, you know? It just all spiraled out of control."

  "I won't lie, Katie. It's why I didn't want you to run off with Tom in the first place. I could see a hard road before you. I wanted to save you from that. But you were young and in love and me and your father didn't know squat."

  Katie closed her eyes, knowing she deserved the chastising. "I’m sorry I put you and Daddy through so much."

  Tears sprang up again at the thought of her father and she growled. "How the hell do I have any tears left?" She wiped angrily and sadness swept over her mother's face.

  "That's how I felt after your father died. I cried so hard for days, I thought certain there wasn't another drop of water left in my body. But sure enough, I'd see something of his or come across a picture, and the floodgates would open."

  Katie was swallowed whole by a fresh wave of guilt. "I'm sorry I wasn't here for you when Daddy died."

  Her mother's face shuddered and she concentrated fiercely on the baby. Then she gave Katie a hard look that demanded the truth.

  "Do you grieve?"

  She pulled a long, slow breath through her nostrils. "I guilt," she said honestly. "I guilt because I should be grieving. And I guilt because I feel like I'm a monster. But the smallest part of me is glad to be free." Her lips quivered. "I'm so horrible because I don't even miss him."

  "You're not horrible. You are glad to be free and have a second chance at a happy life. You're not glad a life was lost."

  "It's hard to tease the two apart."

  "It's hard to miss someone when you've grown so far apart they are like a stranger to you." Katie glanced at her mother, grateful for her wise words.

  "Yeah, I think that's fair to say. I think it started falling apart the minute we said I do. And it just got worse from there."

  Jacob began writhing, his face scrunched up in discontent.

  Katie's swollen eyes darted over to him. "I think he's hungry."

  Vicky handed him back while Katie loosened the first few buttons of her shirt.

  "Would you like some tea?"

  "Yes, thank you." She arranged herself and the baby comfortably and Jacob latched on. After just a few minutes, he began crying again. Katie sighed in frustration and switched him to the other side. Her mother returned with a silver teapot on a tray.

  "I'm afraid I might be drying up."

  "Stress can do that. So can bad nutrition." She took hold of Katie’s wrist, wrapping her fingers around it. "You're skin and bones. I hope that's not from want." Worry creased the fine lines on her face.

  "No, I never went hungry. I just haven't much felt like eating."

  She smiled. "Well, that's a mother's cue to make you a big sandwich."

  Jacob reared his head back. Vicky tilted her head toward the kitchen. "Both of you follow me."

  Katie pulled her top closed as Vicky took a basket from atop a shelf. In it were baby bottles, nipples and a new can of formula.

  "Why on earth do you have formula tucked away?"

  A tremor shook her wistful smile. "I always hoped you'd bring him by," she said.

  Katie couldn't speak or risk more tears and her eyes burned so badly she didn't think she could stand it.

  "How come you never came over?"

  Vicky thought for a long moment. "Two reasons. First, I doubted I could keep my opinion to myself with Tom and if I said one word, I'd say fifty and none of them would be good."

  "And the second?"

  "I thought if I came around you might think I was checking up on you and you might put on a false face. Thought it might make you stay with him for the same reason you married him. Defiance. I didn't want to contribute to that."

  Katie wanted to argue that she wouldn't have, but it being the deep soul searching day that it was, she couldn't deny it.

  She settled with a sincere, "I would have welcomed you."

  Vicky handed her a warm bottle. It took a few tries for Jacob to get the hang of the new nipple, but once he did he greedily drained the bottle dry. His little rosebud mouth fell open as he drifted off into a deep, full bellied sleep.

  "He is beautiful, Katie." She sighed and sat across the table from Katie.

  "Thank you." She stole a quick glance at her mother. "Thank you for not hating me."

  "Something I learned after your father died is that life is too short to hate. I regret every minute I ever spent being angry at him." She cleared her throat and shifted in her seat. "I'm sorry, too, Katie. I let my stubbornness get in the way of being a part of your life for the last few years. I shouldn't have. Much as I hated the bed you made…it was just hard to watch you make that mistake."

  Remembering back to her mother's begging, pleading, and anger that Katie couldn't see the hand in front of her face, enamored as she was, she understood now how frustrating that must have been.

  "I had a Tom of my own, you know. Before your father. Of course we never married and his name wasn't Tom, it was Eric. But he was a good lookin' smooth talker. Had me so worked up I didn't know what day of the week it was. My parents knew he was a playboy and forbid me to see him. I snuck out anyway. We made plans to run off and get married and we would have too, if I hadn't caught him in the hayloft with my best friend. I came to my senses and when I was done crying over Eric, there was your father. Like he'd been waiting for me, the whole time."

  "I never knew about that."

  “I never told anyone about that.” She smiled. "I thought about telling you before you ran off with Tom, but I figured you'd just say—”

  "Tom is different," they both said at the same time with a light laugh.

  "I probably would have." She leaned her head back and closed her eyes. "Oh, what a mess."

  "I understand it's different in every way, but when your father died, my friend Millie would call me up all the time and ask me, 'What's your next move?' And at first, it was literally my next move. I'd tell her it was to go get a drink of water, or take a bath. After a while, I started to make those moves automatically and I was able to think further out than the next minute. Eventually, I started living again. So, Katie, what's your next move?"

  She sighed and looked around the room.

  "It's okay if it takes you awhile to come up with it."

  "I made some assumptions recently and I think someone is uncomfortable because of it. I need to go set that straight."

  Her mother's eyebrows rose up in curiosity. Katie groaned.

  "You don't have to tell me," Vicky said, waving her hand.

  "No, I don't mind. I feel like a fool is all."

  Vicky waited patiently.

  "Tom's father hired a guy…Will…to come fix the water heater when it went out
."

  "Oh, no. Not the handyman," her mother said, teasing.

  "No, no, it's not what you think. It's just that I felt this…immediate attraction and I could have sworn it was there for him, too. I really started looking forward to seeing him and even started finding excuses to talk to him, like hiring him to work on the land."

  She wrinkled her nose as her face grew red with embarrassment. "He never said or did anything, you know? He was a perfect gentleman. I just felt this… it was so strong, I thought for sure that he…"

  "He knew you were married?"

  "Yes. I ran into him at the store last week and I went to explain…well, see at Tom's father's birthday party, Tom had announced that we were getting divorced and it was this big ugly embarrassing thing and Will was there—"

  Vicky stopped her by putting a hand on Katie's. "Why don't you start from the very beginning, dear? I'm completely lost."

  Katie smiled. "Okay."

  Chapter 15

  Making good on what she told her mother was her next move; she drove to Will's cabin. Jacob was still sleeping off the filling effects of the formula and she was grateful for the quiet. She turned off the radio, needing to work out exactly what she was going to say.

  Before she could lose her nerve, she knocked on the door. Taking a step back and crossing her arms, she waited.

  Will answered the door with a look of surprise. He was shirtless and his jeans hung low on his hips. The carefully planned script flew right out of her mind. She stammered a little and looked down. Did he really have to do that? Stand there so tall and perfectly toned? He ducked back in and slipped on a wrinkled flannel, but left it open. It didn't help matters much.

  "I heard what happened, Katie." He stepped out on the porch, closing the door behind him. "I'm sorry."

  "I didn't come here to talk about that."

  "What did you come here for?"

  She looked off to the right and saw a small red car parked next to the garage. "I won't take much of your time; I can see you still have company."

  He started to say something and she cut him off. "Please, let me finish. I just want you to know that I wasn't going to leave Tom for you. That wasn't any plan of mine. It's clear that you thought you were a playing factor in my decision, but you weren't. I mean, that's preposterous! We barely know each other. We've seen each other a half dozen times and even if there was some sort of attraction there, and I'm not saying there was…" He stared at her intently. His eyes were patient and kind as she stumbled over her words. She wished they weren't so beautiful.

  "Then why were you going to leave him?"

  "I wasn't happy. Neither of us were. It would have happened sooner or later, regardless of meeting you." She grit her teeth. "I didn't mean that meeting you sped it up, it's just…" Dammit, she had it all set in her mind and it sounded good when she rehearsed it in the car. "I don't want you holding any guilt that you had anything to do with…anything." She closed her eyes. I sound so retarded. "I have to go. I just wanted to get that straight. So you can sleep at night."

  "I appreciate you thinking of me."

  She blinked hard. "It's not that I was thinking about you, it's just that I remembered what you said in the store and I wanted to get it straight."

  He nodded. "Are you doing okay?"

  "Don't worry about me," she said stiffly.

  "What if I do?"

  This was not going at all how she had planned. "You shouldn't. I'm nobody to you. You have…" she glanced over his shoulder at the cabin door, "your own life and I have mine. I just need to figure out what I'm going to do with it, is all."

  He looked as if were debating something. "I wish I could explain some things to you, but it's just not the right time."

  "Right." She pulled the keys out of her purse. "You have company and I have to get going."

  "Right." His lips twisted into a playful smile. "But if you need to talk, Katie, I'm here."

  "I'm alright. I'll be alright."

  "That's good to hear. Oh, before I forget, here." He reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out a wad of bills. "It's what's left from the money you gave me to work on the land. Most of it."

  "Thank you."

  "It's too bad. I was really looking forward to harvest time."

  "Me, too."

  "How much land did he sell?"

  "Twenty acres."

  "Probably all the good ones."

  "Probably."

  "You had fifty, right?"

  "Yes."

  "If you want, I could come out and take a look at what's left. If it's good enough there's enough time to get seeds in the ground if we work hard."

  She bit her lip. "I don't think that's a good idea."

  "Are you sure? We've got good weather and I have that old tractor for the next week. There's still time."

  She shook the keys in her hand, restless. Her resolve was beginning to weaken. She knew she had to put an end to this, or she'd be forever daydreaming about a someone who was nothing but a sweet, hardworking, good looking, she interrupted herself, man who had another interest most likely waiting for him inside.

  "Will, I can't. Look, I lied. Not about you being the reason I wanted to leave Tom, but about there not being an attraction. There is and it's strong and it's the last thing I need right now." Her voice shook and it made her feel even weaker.

  He blinked at her honesty. "It's been nice knowing you, Will." She turned before he could say anything and jumped into her car. She began to cry, feeling as if her heart had been broken.

  Nothing, absolutely nothing had gone as she'd expected. From her marriage to Tom to the last meeting with Will. She slumped down on the couch. The house was quiet. Looking from one wall to another, she remembered her mother's words and wondered what her next move would be. She had no idea. She didn't feel like cleaning, she wasn't hungry; her stomach ached from her mother's near force feeding. Maybe she'd go to her sister, or invite her sister over. Work in the garden or start painting the bedroom. She should go into town and pick up a few groceries…She wanted to do everything and nothing all at the same time.

  With all of her options she was frozen with indecision. The only thing she knew for sure, is that she must forget Will Anderson. And that was the one thing she didn't want to do.

  The suitcase still sat under the window. She entertained the idea of continuing with her plan and leaving. Her sisters’…her mothers’…a whole new town where no one knew her. With so many choices she froze and had no idea what to do. She curled up on the couch; laying her head on the arm quickly fell asleep.

  Light knocking on the door woke her up and she rubbed her eyes and groaned. She didn't feel like having visitors, though that was what she needed most. She peeked through the window and was relieved to see that it was Sarah.

  "I brought dinner. I hope that's okay." She stepped inside balancing two bags and a large salad.

  "That's great, thank you." She watched like a stranger in her own home as Sarah laid the food out on the counters and set the table.

  "How are you?" If anyone else had asked, she'd feel like clawing their eyes out.

  "I'm okay."

  "Mama called. Said you stopped by today." Sarah was trying to suppress a big grin.

  "I did. I didn't realize I was doing it until I was on her doorstep. She looks good."

  "Did you guys get everything worked out?"

  "I guess as much as they can be."

  "Well, you know Mama. Things will be just the way they used to be now. She is stubborn as a mule, but now that you made the first move, she's all about forgiving and forgetting. Did she tell you anything special while you were there?"

  "No."

  "Oh. Okay. I'll let her tell you then."

  "No, what big news could she have? She isn't selling her house, is she?" Selfishly, Katie didn't want to have to mark one of her options off her list.

  "Doubt it." Sarah started slicing the bread. "How do you turn this oven on broil?"

  "You don'
t. It's broken." She covered a hearty yawn with her hand. "One of the things on the to-do list that Tom never got to."

  "How was the memorial service?"

  "Horrible. I'm just glad I never have to see his parents again."

  "What about Jacob? Won't they want to see him?"

  "No. They never had an interest before. I don't see why they'd start now."

  Sarah shrugged and set the pan on the table. She pulled off the foil and the smell of lasagna filled the kitchen. Katie’s' stomach growled, though she didn't see how she could possibly be hungry yet.

  "I brought your favorite."

  "Thanks, Sarah."

  "So—" Sarah opened her napkin and put it in her lap. "What do you think about coming to stay with me and Ian?" she asked bluntly, taking a bite of lasagna.

  Katie hesitated. "I don't know. I really appreciate it, I do. But—"

  "What are you going to do then?"

  "I'm not sure yet. I haven't had time to think about it."

  "Well, seems to me you have several options. Fix the house and live in it, fix it and rent it out while coming to live with me and Ian…or Mama…but maybe she better tell you first."

  "Spill it, Sarah."

  "I can't," she giggled. "It's her place to tell you."

  "But you never keep secrets from me. C'mon, I won't say a word."

  "No. And nice trying to change the subject though. Or, you could sell it."

  Katie stopped, fork in midair. Why that thought had never occurred to her, she didn't know. "I could sell it."

  "What's stopping you?"

  Katie looked all around the kitchen. "Repairs. There's so much to do that I'd never get a decent price unless I fixed it up."

  "Fix it up then. You could hire Will to help you." Her voice was insinuating.

  "No, I can't do that."

  "Sure you can. And you have all summer. You could sell in the fall."

  "I've decided to stop finding excuses to see Will."

  "Why? I thought there was something…you know…there."

  Katie looked away, irritated. "Well, there's not. I stopped by his place earlier and told him."

  "Told him what?"

  "That I was mistaken and I was stupid and that…" She put her fork down and studied the folded hands in her lap. "It's crazy for me to even think about Will at a time like this."