Hard To Love

by Tina Rose

  Walking into her house, she threw her keys on the table by the front door, rolled her luggage to her room, and dropped down on her bed. The tears may have stopped falling, but the damage was done. No amount of make-up could cover the dark circles and swollen eyes she had developed.

  Just as Ella’s eyes began to flutter closed from sheer exhaustion, her home phone began to ring. She cringed as she peeked at the caller I.D. and saw Derek’s name flash. On the bright side, it wasn’t Carter on the other end. She wasn’t ready for that faceoff just yet, if ever.

  “Hello,” she answered.

  “Ella? Hey, I’ve been trying to reach you for days.” Derek sounded concerned.

  “I’m sorry. I went to visit Mom and Dad, and forgot my phone at home,” she lied.

  “Is everything okay? Roz and Paul okay?”

  Ella huffed. “Yes, they’re fine. What can I help you with?” Ella hated the intimate way he still spoke of her family.

  “I thought we could get together and discuss my donation to the Second Chance Rescue.”

  “I’m not sure what we need to discuss, Derek. All you need to do is write a check,” she said coyly.

  Derek chuckled, “Always the smart mouth.”

  Ella rolled her eyes. Why was she even having this conversation?

  “Okay, you caught me. I just wanted an excuse to have dinner with you.”

  “Derek, I’m not sure that’s a good idea. It’s taken us a long time just to get to this point. Are you sure you want to disturb what we’ve tried so hard to build?”

  “Ella, I’ve recently came into some money. I’d like to put some of it to good use. I feel I owe you.”

  Ella scoffed. “Stop saying that. It’s water under the bridge now. Let it go.” Seriously, she wanted him to let it go.

  “Let’s put it this way. No dinner, no donation,” he smirked. “Come on, Ella, for old time’s sake. I promise, I’ll make it worth your while.”

  God, the things she had to do for her sister. “Always the asshole I see,” she mocked his earlier comment. Ella waited, hoping he would change his mind and back off. He didn’t.

  She sighed. “Fine, Derek. When?”

  “Why not tonight? I’ve already made a reservation. Pick you up at seven.”

  “A little sure of yourself weren’t you? I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

  “Me either. But I’m glad. Thank you. See you tonight.”

  “Goodbye,” she hung up, exasperated.

  Picking up her cell phone, she turned it on and waited for all the messages to pop up. Just as she had expected, there were messages from Carter staring at her. She hesitated before opening the first one.

  To Ella This is ridiculous. Why won’t you even answer me?

  To Ella Where are you? Please talk to me.

  To Ella I can’t’ do this. I need to talk to you.

  To Ella I just want to hold you. I hope wherever you are, you’re okay.

  To Ella I told you someday I’d push you away. But, didn’t I at least deserve a fucking reason why?

  To Ella You know what, fuck this! Have it your way Ella.

  Oh Carter, if I could only tell you this is for your own good.

  ********

  Standing in front of the mirror, Ella took another long look at her appearance. Not wanting to look too sexy, she wore black slacks and a high neck, silk, cream shirt, with low black heels. Hopefully Derek wouldn’t think this was a date. Not that he already didn’t. Irritating asshole.

  “I can’t believe I’m doing this,” she mumbled to herself, right before she heard a soft knock at the door.

  Derek stood on the other side. Ella had always found him so attractive with his blonde curls, dark skin and blue eyes. He’d always kept himself fit, but he paled in comparison to Carter’s naturally muscular build.

  Derek smiled. “Hello beautiful.” He wore that used car salesman smile of his, the one that said I’m going to try to sell you a pile of shit.

  Ella rolled her eyes. “Let’s get this over with, shall we?”

  “Come on, babe. We’re gonna have fun. Just like old times.”

  Ella’s stomach turned just thinking of their “old times”.

  Opening the passenger side door, Derek helped her in the car, and closed the door. Whistling and tossing his keys in the air, Derek walked to the driver’s side door, and climbed in to his small, compact, sports car.

  Before he started the car, Ella felt the need to clear things up. “Derek, please don’t call me babe. I told you over the phone, this is not a date. I’m not sure what’s up with you, but I need you to understand that before we leave.”

  “Can’t you at least try to enjoy the evening Ella?”

  Sighing loudly, Ella turned in the seat and stared out the window at the passing light. Thank god the trip to Antonelli’s Ristorante was a short one.

  They pulled up in front of the restaurant. Ella waited for the valet to open her door, but Derek jumped out and stepped in front of the young man, helping Ella from the car.

  The maître d stood smiling brightly, as they entered the front door. She was a sweet looking young blonde woman, wearing a white button up shirt, black tie and a black vest with white pin stripes.

  “Welcome to Antonelli’s. May I ask what name your reservation is under?”

  “Brown,” Derek supplied.

  “Thank you Mr. Brown. Follow me please.”

  Small, round, intimate tables dressed with yellow and tan linens, lined the walls of the small Italian restaurant. Murals of old world Italy ran from ceiling to floor, while large wooden beams stretched across the ceiling. Aged brick and stone trimmed the archway and steps, as they followed her to their seats at the back near a fireplace.

  The low lighting and lit fireplace gave off a very romantic ambience, making Ella feel even more uncomfortable than she already was. Top that off with the bottle of red wine Derek ordered, and Ella felt she had a night set up for disaster.

  “You look so beautiful, Ella,” Derek began, sliding his hand across the table to stroke the top of hers.

  Ella almost choked on her drink of wine. “Derek, don’t,” she warned.

  “Why not? It’s true. Am I not allowed to compliment you?”

  “Okay, what exactly is this about? We’ve barely spoken in six years.” She was getting angrier by the minute, and had enough of Derek’s bizarre behavior.

  “I don’t know. After I ran into you last time, I haven’t been able to get you out of my mind. I see you every time I close my eyes. I miss you. I miss us,” he admitted.

  Ella laughed out loud once. “Too bad you couldn’t get me out of your mind while we were married. Maybe it would’ve helped you keep your dick in your pants,” Ella hissed.

  “You’re right. I screwed up. Not one day goes by that I don’t’ regret that day. I’ve asked myself a million times why.”

  “Did you find an answer?” she asked sardonically.

  “I was scared.”

  “Scared my ass. Of what?” Now, she was beyond pissed.

  “You. Just listen, please,” he pleaded, grabbing her hands when he saw the anger rising in her.

  “You always had it all figured out. Everything was planned. You picked our house, our cars, decided what we ate for dinner, when we had sex,” he laughed callously. “Hell, you even had me on a damn allowance.”

  That actually made Ella laugh too. He was right, and Carter had been too. She was a control freak. Why hadn’t she been able to see it sooner?

  “I needed to remind myself that I was a man, and I could still take charge of a woman. But I should’ve been trying to show you, not myself. I wasn’t man enough to take care of you.”

  Ella let go of a tiny bit of anger and resentment at that moment, and wa
s able to forgive him just a little. All along, she had been of equal blame for the cause of all her pain and suffering. She had pushed Derek to a breaking point, and now, she was pushing Carter away too.

  Derek searched her eyes. “Can you ever forgive me, Ella? Even just a small amount. I’d like to be able to at least smile at you and say hello some time. At one point, we were good friends.”

  Ella squeezed his hands back, staring back into his face and thinking of their life before they dated. They had been friends then, good ones. At one time, they loved to laugh and talk, and just hang out with each other. Derek was the only man she knew that would admit he liked to watch chick flicks.

  “Yes Derek, I forgive you,” she smiled as he kissed her knuckles.

  At that moment Ella felt him. Raising her eyes, she saw Carter towering above her, rage seething in his eyes, chest rising and falling in fast pants, while his hands balled at his sides. Before she had a chance to speak, Laura Harmon stepped up behind him, slipping her arm through his.

  “Our table’s ready darlin’.” Her voice oozed sugary sweetness, as she ushered Carter to their seats.

  Ella’s heart ripped in two, and bile rose in her throat. All color drained from her face. Tears stung the back of her eyes. Fight or flight kicked in, she needed to run.

  “Ella, are you okay? You don’t look so good,” Derek asked, concerned.

  “No, suddenly I’m not feeling well. I’m sorry, Derek. Can you please take me home?” Ella rose from the table on weak knees.

  Quickly, Derek stepped to her side of the table, to help her stand. “Absolutely. Let me take care of everything. I’ll get the car and you can meet me at the valet.”

  Ella nodded, and walked toward the restroom in a daze. She had been so stupid, thinking Carter felt something for her. Obviously, that was an illusion. And why was he even here? With her? He should be in Nashville right now. Not in a romantic restaurant, with another woman. Okay, she was at a romantic restaurant with another man too, but that was completely different. She had all but been blackmailed.

  A pained, familiar, husky voice spoke behind her. “Ella?”

  She stood, frozen in her tracks, unable to turn and face him.

  “Ella, look at me,” he demanded. His voice was thick and domineering, the one that he used in the bedroom that made her come undone.

  “No,” she choked. Knowing full well if she turned and saw the blues of his eyes, she’d be lost.

  She heard him growl and step closer to her, bracing herself for his touch. “Don’t Carter, please. I can’t do this here.”

  “Are you ready babe?” Derek asked, stepping up and wrapping his arm around her waist. She’d never been so happy to see the irritating man before in her life, as she let him lead her out the door away from the man still standing there holding her heart.

  ********

  Pain crushed Carter’s chest like someone had knocked the wind out of him. He couldn’t breathe. Every instinct he had told him to run after Ella. Throw her over his shoulder, knock that asshole on his smug ass, and take what belonged to him. But he couldn’t. She didn’t want him, wouldn’t even look at him. Why? What happened? He told her from the get go, he was hard to love. Now that she had his heart in a vise, she decided she didn’t want him? He had to get out of there before he hurt something, or someone. All he wanted to do was drown his sorrows.

  The feel of warm feminine hands surrounding his large biceps drew his attention back to the here and now. “Carter, are you okay?” Laura Harmon asked.

  “No ma’am. I’m sorry. Can we do this another time?”

  “Carter, we need to take care of this before my partners get their hands in this. After that, I have no control,” she pleaded.

  “I understand, I just can’t right now.” Carter walked away before she had time to respond. He didn’t care about any damn contract right now.

  Going to his place was out of the question. Too many memories lingered there, along with Ella’s sweet, spiced-vanilla scent still infused into his sheets and pillows. Carter turned his truck toward Old Gussy’s Corner Pub, his old watering hole. He knew Gussy would let him crash in the back room. There were a lot of memories in that room, none of which had Ella’s face attached to them.

  Carter walked into the front door, and headed straight for the bar. He passed several half dressed women bidding for his attention on the way. Women were the last thing on his mind right now. Before Ella, the only thing that could’ve taken away his anger was to tie up and blindfold some hot, strange female, and fuck his emotions away. Now, the thoughts of being inside another woman sickened him.

  “Hide all the whiskey and lock up your daughters, trouble’s done came back to town,” a burly man in a checkered shirt called from behind the bar.

  “Hey Gussy. I need a bottle of Jack,” Carter ordered.

  “Jack, huh?” Gussy grinned.

  “Yeah, and the back room for a few nights.”

  “Anytime, son. One question? What’s got you running scared?”

  “Not scared, Gussy. Gotta get my placed cleaned out.” Not exactly a lie. He did need to clear out all the memories of Ella from there.

  Gussy handed Carter a fifth of amber whiskey with a black label, and a shot glass. “Hey, you gonna sing for your supper, boy?”

  Carter picked up the bottle and left the glass, tilting the bottle up to his mouth and took a large swallow. His Adam’s Apple bobbed several times before he stopped.

  “Sure, call the boys,” Carter tossed back as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and headed to the small room hidden behind the stage.

  Chapter Twenty One

  When Liv arrived home, Ella was still on the couch, where she had been for three days. Curled up under her favorite quilt her grandmother had made her, streaks still stained her cheeks, and did not go unnoticed by Liv.

  “Are you ever gonna tell me what happened?” Liv asked, dropping to her knees by the couch.

  Ella sniffed. “Nothing. Just had a bad week, that’s all.”

  “Aww, I’m sorry El.” Liv hugged Ella affectionately. “Does Carter know you’re back in town?”

  Ella rolled her eyes and sighed. “He does now.”

  “Is that what’s wrong? What happened? Did you guys talk? What did he say?”

  “Whoa!” Ella grabbed her head. All the questions Liv were throwing at her had her head spinning. “One question at a time.”

  “Okay, I’m sorry. So spill.” Pulling her crossover purse over her head and dropping it on the floor, Liv crawled in under the quilt with Ella, laying on the opposite end of the couch.

  Taking a deep breath, Ella began. “Derek harassed me until I agreed to have dinner with him.”

  Liv mocked gagging herself. “Gag! No wonder you’re upset.”

  “That’s not the end. Carter showed up with that blonde record exec I told you about.”

  “The one that had her hands all over him at dinner?”

  “Yep, the very one. Anyway, once I saw him with her, I lost it.” She shook her head in disgust at herself.

  Liv knit her brows together. “Did he see you there?”

  “Yeah, Carter did. He seemed so pissed I was there. How was I supposed to know he had a date?”

  “And you’re sure he saw you with Derek?” Liv said, worry written all over her face.

  “Yes. Why do you have that look on your face?” Ella knew something wasn’t quite right.

  Liv turned her head to avoid eye contact. “Like what?”

  “Cut the crap little sister. What’s going on?”

  “Well, the day he came by the Second Chance, I told you he was pissed, and that I didn’t tell him where you were.”

  Ella sat up in the couch. “Yeah, you told me that part. What didn’t you tell me?”

&nb
sp; Taking a deep breath, Liz finally confessed. “I tried, El, I swear I did. I told him exactly what you told me to. But, like I said, he was so pissed,” Liv widened her dark chocolate brown eyes. “And you know me, I don’t scare easily. But the angry look in his eyes intimidated the hell outta me.”

  “I get it, he was pissed. I’m getting that way myself. What. Did. You. Tell. Him?”

  Liv winced. “I kinda told him you and Dereck got back together. Don’t kill me.”

  “Fuck me! Liv! You’re kidding, right?”

  “No, I’m sorry. But he wouldn’t back off. He kept demanding some kind of answer, so I said the first thing that came to my mind.”

  Ella held the sides of her head, shaking it from side to side. “Did you even stop to think about Derek? What if Carter went after him and hurt him?”

  Liv harrumphed. “The way I see it, that asshole has it coming.”

  Ella scolded. “Olivia, that asshole just donated five-thousand dollars to your benefit. He apologized for what happened and he’s trying to change.”

  “So.” Liv said flatly.

  “So, you need to cut him some slack.” Ella chastised.

  “I don’t give a damn. I’ll never forgive or forget what that douchebag asshole did to you,” Liv vowed. “So, what are you going to do about Carter?”

  Ella flopped back down on the couch, covering her head with the quilt. “I don’t know. Nothing. He’s in Nashville with the blonde by now.”

  “Whatever. I call bullshit on that. I know for a fact he’s not with her or any other woman.”

  Pulling the quilt back off her head, Ella looked at her sister skeptically. “And how exactly to you know he isn’t. Cause it sure as hell looked like she thought she’d claimed the prize.”

  “Because,” Liv stopped.

  “Liv?” Ella warned.

  “Gahh! Because. He loves you.”

  “What?” Ella asked, dumbfounded.

  “The guy admitted he loved you.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  Liv shrugged. “I don’t know. You were so hell bent on doing what was best for him, and leaving, and blah, blah, blah.” She twirled her hands in the air, rolling her eyes.