Alien

by David Michael Slater

  “Okay, try this one: ‘When in outer space, do as

  the aliens do.’”

  “I just woke up, Maddie!”

  “Crikey, Theo! Everyone’s dressed up like aliens down there! They say, “it takes a thief to catch a thief.” Well, to catch aliens, you probably need some aliens. Time to get our outer space on!”

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  The Call

  Max rushed over to one of the Fifth Wheel’s seats and sat down, wondering what to do and where they were going. He popped open his spy kit to see if any- thing in there might be of use.

  Just then he heard a phone ring. Panicking, he grabbed at his cell, but he quickly saw it wasn’t ringing.

  How could that be?

  Then Max heard Kirk say, “Camera’s rolling. Put the call on speaker.”

  How could that be?

  Finally, Max realized what was happening.

  “Check,” Marcus told Kirk. Then he said, “Hello?”

  Max texted Maddie.

  walkie talkie ON in yuck! u r a genius!

  A reply came right back.

  true story. just keep ur spy ears open.

  “Mr. Mattigan?” said a new voice on Max’s

  walkie-talkie, coming from Marcus’s cell phone in the Yuck. “Is this Mr. Marcus Mattigan, the professional skeptic?”

  “Speaking,” Marcus replied.

  “This is Colonel Mike Blanchard of the United States Department of Homeland Security.”

  “Yes, wonderful! Thank you for returning my call so quickly.”

  “Oh — well, of course. Absolutely.”

  “I am happy to help end all these silly rumors, if

  you think there’s something I can do.”

  “I believe there is, Mr. Mattigan,” said this Colo-

  nel Mike Blanchard. “As you may know, hundreds of UFO fanatics are pouring into the area around Groom Lake. They’re wandering through the desert, looking for this ridiculous J-Rod alien thing. We think the ru- mors are being encouraged by performers in costumes popping up here and there, mostly at night — you know, just to feed the frenzy. These people are putting themselves in harm’s way and endangering our work in the process. We do important work here. Secret, but important.”

  “I understand.”

  “Do you have a GPS and a vehicle that can go off-road?”

  “Yes, both.”

  “Outstanding. I have the email from your press release. I’m going to send you some coordinates. You’ll no doubt note that they do not lead to the site everyone knows as ‘Area 51.’ Do not let that disturb you. It’ll take you about an hour.”

  “I’ll be there directly, Colonel Blanchard.”

  “Outstanding.”

  There was a click, after which Marcus said,

  “Innnteresting. Verrry innnteresting.”

  With his heart pounding, Max tapped his phone

  again:

  going to area 51! the REAL area 51!!!!

  CHAPTER NINE

  Session A-1

  Two aliens holding hands, both with green faces, sporting silver antennae and wrapped in spaceship bed sheets, headed through the Circus Circus lobby.

  “Stop!” a man called.

  They froze.

  “Crikey,” Maddie said under her breath. “They’re on to us already.”

  Brother and sister turned to see a man wearing

  jeans and a sports coat rushing their way.

  “She made me do it!” “Theo!”

  “Adorable!” the man gushed. “You kids are absolutely adorable! Would you consider letting us film

  you for promotions?” Another man holding a video camera suddenly appeared next to him.

  “Will we be famous?” Theo asked.

  “Maybe!” the first man promised, grinning from ear-to-ear. “People all over the country — all over the world even — will see you! Our ads often go viral!”

  “Oklahoma!”

  “Well, there, too, I suppose!”

  “Hmmm,” Maddie said. She didn’t like the way this guy was talking to them, like they were babies. Or stupid. Or stupid babies. And his smile was too much like the Fun Zone lady’s not to make her suspicious. “I assume you need our dad to sign a waiver,” she said. “Unfortunately, he’s out for the morning.”

  “Oh, well,” the man said after a moment’s pause. “That’s actually not a problem. Since your faces won’t be recognizable, it’s totally cool.”

  “But if no one signs anything,” Maddie pressed, “then I guess we won’t get paid for being so adorable that we help advertise your business.”

  “Well, no. But remember you might go —” “Viral. Right. Been there. Done that. We’ll pass.” Humpf!” Theo protested.

  “Those,” the man said, drifting away with his

  partner, “are not normal children.”

  “Those,” someone else said, walking up to them, “are brilliant children.” It was another person hold- ing a video camera, a lovely Asian woman wearing a jacket with a million pockets on it. “Hi, Mattigans,” she said. “I’m Nyota. I guessed it was you, though the costumes threw me off. I seriously advise you not to get filmed in them after your Bigfoot video — for your father’s sake.”

  “Hi!” Maddie said. “It’s nice to meet you. And you’re right!” she realized, clutching her stomach again. “I didn’t even think of that! It’s just that, we were hoping to, well, sneak into one of the sessions — the one in Ballroom A — to learn about all this alien stuff. To help Dad.”

  “No worries. It’s cool,” Nyota said. “In fact, come

  with me.” She tapped the special conference media

  badge hanging around her neck. “I’ll get you in.”

  “Thanks!” Maddie said. She took her brother’s hand, and together they followed Nyota over to Ball- room A. No one looked twice at them when she led them inside.

  When they took seats, Nyota whispered, “I’ll slip out now. This place is a goldmine for your father’s show. Wall-to-wall wackos! You guys have fun, and we’ll meet up again after the session.”

  “You rule,” Theo said.

  She winked at him before heading off.

  When Nyota was gone, Maddie looked to the front of the room. There was a screen that said, “Session A-1: The Aliens Among Us.” The red-robed alien they’d seen greeting everyone at the cocktail party last night was standing at a podium next to it.

  “Welcome! Welcome!” he said, as his fellow aliens settled into the seats. “My name is Wally. I am the President of Alien Nation, the organization that

  sponsors ET-Con. I wanted to run session A-1 because it’s for newbies. I’m guessing you don’t know much about extraterrestrials. Am I right?” Everyone in the room nodded their extraterrestrial heads. “After all, why else come to a basic introduction to the types of aliens on Earth? So, let’s get started!”

  He began showing slides depicting dozens of alien races. There were Andromedans, who looked like people but were larger and made of pure energy, and Little Green Men, which Maddie and Theo were surprised to learn was their actual species’ name. They were, well, little and green, though both male and fe- male. There were also Nordic aliens, who appeared to be super-tall alien supermodels; Reptilians, who looked like human/reptile crossbreeds; and Sirians, who were aquatic-looking humanoids. And many more.

  When Wally was done, he asked if there were any questions.

  Theo jumped to his feet with his hand raised and

  made that annoying, “ooh, ooh, ooh” noise that annoying kids made in class. Maddie turned and Eye- balled him a dire warning not to embarrass her. She looked around to make sure no one was filming him.

  “Yes? In the back?”

  “What kind of alien is J-Peg?” Everyone in the room laughed. “You mean J-Rod,” Wally said. “You know what I meant!”

  “Theo!” Maddie scolded, which made everyone laugh even more.

 
“J-Rod,” Wally said, “is a Grey, big-eyed, no- nosed, slit-mouthed alien — exactly like me!”

  “Maybe you’re him then!”

  “Theo!”

  Again, the room burst into laughter, but this time it lasted only a few seconds, because the door to the session room suddenly flew open, silencing everyone.

  A Little Green Man alien, who was actually a rather tall woman, rushed inside. “J-Rod!” she cried.

  “The real J-Rod that escaped from Area 51! It’s true! It really did escape! It’s hiding! But not in the desert! It’s in disguise! Here! At ET-Con!”

  CHAPTER TEN

  The Real Area 51

  The Yuck drove along smooth roads for about an hour, then bounced on secondary roads for about twenty minutes. Max, after eating a nutrition bar, spent his time looking at everything in the camper under his spy-nifying glass. And he couldn’t help but peek out through the curtains on the Fifth Wheel’s side windows every few minutes. Each time, he saw figures scampering through the sun-baked sagebrush. Some were dressed as aliens. Others, on the hunt, had those gigantic butterfly nets. One time he saw the second type chasing the first.

  “People,” Max sighed.

  Finally, the Yuck left the secondary roads for really bad paths, and it bounced crazily for a few minutes

  before coming to a stop. Max dared to peek through the curtains again when the engine shut off. Outside was brown and barren. They seemed to be parked directly in front of a mountain.

  In the middle of nowhere.

  Max waited for a secret stone door to slide open.

  He’d never been so excited in his life.

  But it didn’t happen.

  Instead, he saw a short man in a military uniform appear from behind a craggy outcrop in the mountain- side. There were pins above his pockets and on his lapels and patches on his shoulders. He walked swiftly toward the Yuck and climbed inside.

  “A Colonel!” Max whispered, amazed. He had a book about military ranks. He knew exactly which pile on his floor it was in, too. And how far down.

  “Mr. Mattigan?” asked a voice over the walkie-talkie.

  “Yes, sir. This is Kirk, my cameraman. I hope you

  don’t mind him recording our conversation. It’s for

  my show.”

  “That’ll be fine. I am Colonel Mike Blanchard. If you don’t mind, I’d like to talk here. It’s best that you don’t enter the facility, or even see how I left it, especially if you intend to film. I hope you understand that it’s for your own protection. In fact, why don’t we take a drive?”

  “Of course,” said Marcus. “Where shall we go?”

  “Let’s just head toward the city.”

  The Yuck started up. It turned around, and

  just like that, they were bouncing along again.

  dad’s meeting a kernel in the yuck!

  kernel blancherd! IF that’s his REAL name!

  he came out of a secret mountain but we don’t get to go in!

  “So, Mr. Mattigan,” said Colonel Blanchard. “I imagine you have some thoughts. I’d love to hear them because — I assure you — there are no aliens in the custody of the United States government.”

  “Well, sir,” Marcus replied, “I find that in these

  sorts of cases, someone is always profiting. Further, I notice that these particular rumors are very well organized. Even though the viral videos of J-Rod hiding in the desert look amateur to my eye, they appear professionally amateur, if you take my meaning. And they hit the Web in all the right ways, at precisely the right times.”

  “You suspect some kind of publicity stunt.”

  “I do. I booked myself at the Circus Circus, where there’s a convention going on. ‘ET-Con,’ it’s called. Hundreds of goofballs running around dressed up like extraterrestrials. I wonder if an outfit like Alien Nation is capable of — ”

  Just then, Max heard ringing, so he grabbed his phone. But once again, it wasn’t his phone. It was his dad’s.

  “Maddie?” Marcus said.

  “Dad!” Maddie screamed. The phone was still on speaker.

  “Maddie? What’s wrong?”

  “Dad!” Maddie screamed again, even louder this time. And she had to scream to be heard over the sounds of screaming in the background of wherever she was. “They say J-Rod is here! At the ET-Con! Everyone is running around trying to rip each other’s costumes off to find it! It’s total chaos! They cancelled the conference! You’ve got to get back here RIGHT NOW!”

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Total Chaos

  “Crikey,” said Maddie, putting her phone away.

  “This is really not good.”

  “True story,” said Theo, chewing a PB & B. “It’s awesome.”

  “It’s gold,” said Nyota, scanning left and right with her camera. “Pure video gold.”

  They were standing in the lobby of Circus Circus, watching a riot unfold around them. The kids’ costumes had been ripped right off of them. Fortunately, they were wearing their jeans and T-shirts underneath. And since they looked like humans now, no one was interested in attacking them anymore.

  But the still-aliens continued to attack each other, big time. Every sort described by Wally was there. They were all running around in circles, away from one another, but also at one another. At the same time, everyone was snapping pictures with their phones, trying to be the one to find J-Rod, or at least to capture his capture on camera.

  Hotel security was trying to get control of the sit- uation, but only sort of. Mostly, they were in on the madness, too, unless it was normal procedure to grab people by their faces. It was the most absurd scene Maddie and Theo had ever witnessed.

  “Aliens,” they sighed. “Look at that!” Theo cried. “I know.”

  Incredibly, the zombies had not taken the slightest notice of the riot. They just kept pushing their buttons, rolling their dice, and moving their chips, exactly as if nothing insane was happening all around them.

  “Zombies,” Maddie sighed.

  “Huh?” said Theo.

  Maddie’s phone buzzed, so she took it back out.

  She and Theo looked at the display screen.

  publicity stunt! no real j-rod. Onway back! driving fast!

  dad’s gonna bust those liars so bad!

  Maddie didn’t know how to react to this. She just stood there. This news was terribly disappointing. There was no way around it. She was sad.

  “What’s a publicity stunt?” Theo asked. “Some kind of show?”

  “It means it’s all a fake, just to get attention.” “Can it be a publicity stunt and aliens?” Maddie Eyeballed her little brother.

  “Don’t Teachable Moment me!” Theo snarled. “I have peanut butter AND banana in my sandwiches!” He held up what was left as proof.

  Maddie didn’t Teachable Moment her little broth- er. Instead, she said, “Theo Mattigan, you are a genius!”

  “True story!” Theo cried. “I am?”

  “Think about it. Let’s say you’re an alien who’s been held by the government — for decades.”

  “Okay. I’m an alien who’s been held by the government for decades.”

  “You’re going to plan your escape very carefully.”

  “I’m going to plan my escape very carefully.” “Stop that. Look out!”

  Theo ducked, just as a big little green alien threw

  a little little green alien right over his head and into a water feature. There was a huge splash, which Theo also ducked. But real police were finally arriving on the scene, which was a relief.

  “I read about this J-Rod guy,” Maddie said when it seemed safe to continue. “He wasn’t, like, locked up in a cell and experimented on or anything like that. He was in charge of helping the government try to rebuild all the technology from his home planet.”

  “Okay,” Theo replied.

  “So, think about it. If you were planning to be an

 
; alien on the loose in Las Vegas, wouldn’t it be helpful if everyone was totally distracted, looking all over the place for you, even thinking everyone and their moth- er was you?”

  “I guess so.”

  “And if you were really, super smart, where would be the very last place people would look for you?”

  “At an alien convention?” “Dressed up as —?”

  “Yourself!” Theo shrieked. “I WAS RIGHT! Told you I was right! Then you would cause a riot, so that in all the chaos, you could quietly slip —Look at that!”

  “THEO, WILL YOU PLEASE STOP DOING THAT! Oh, I see!”

  Theo was pointing out past the casino’s front entrance. There, climbing into a limo, as Wally, still wearing his J-Rod mask and robes. But the limo couldn’t get out of the driveway because an unwieldy vehicle had just pulled up and accidentally blocked it in.

  The Yuck!

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Unmasked

  “Dad!” Maddie shouted into her phone. “Don’t let that limo out! It’s — it’s — !” She didn’t know what to tell him.

  Maddie and Theo sprinted outside just as her fa- ther — along with both a man with a video camera and a military officer — climbed out of the Yuck. Police were now swarming into the casino. A group of them stopped at the military officer’s request and surrounded the limo with guns drawn.

  Guns!

  The cops gestured for the passenger to get out, and moments later, Wally emerged, still in his J-Rod costume. “Whoa! Whoa!” he called, putting his hands up. “There’s no need for violence!”

  Nyota and Kirk were getting every bit of it on

  film.

  In all the confusion, Max slipped out of the

  Fifth Wheel and rushed over to his brother and sister. “There’s something you don’t see every day,” he said to them, taking in the wild scene.