Dangerous to Know & Love

by Jane Harvey-Berrick

  Feeling self-conscious, she copied the gesture, and the boy smiled.

  “By the way,” she asked, somewhat belatedly, “what did he say?”

  “You sure you want to know?”

  “Yes!”

  “He asked me why you were so dumb – because you couldn’t sign.”

  “Oh!” gasped Lisanne.

  Daniel smirked at her. “I did warn you.”

  She thumped his arm. “You set me up!”

  He leaned down and whispered in her ear. “You’re fucking sexy when you’re mad.”

  Lisanne felt her skin flush as her mouth opened and shut with confusion. She was glad he was in a better mood, although she had no idea how it had happened. Except that here, he was the same as everyone else – she was the odd one out.

  “Will you teach me?”

  “Teach you what?”

  “Sign language.”

  Daniel frowned. “What for? I only ever use it when I go to these fucking places.”

  “Please… how do I say, ‘I hear you’?”

  “Are you fucking kidding me? How many deaf people do you know, Lis, because I’m telling you, that’s the most useless thing ever.”

  Lisanne swallowed and looked down. She felt his gentle fingers on her cheek.

  “I’m sorry, baby doll. These places just… okay, I’ll show you.”

  She gave him a weak smile.

  “You say ‘I’ by pointing at yourself. For ‘hear’ you just tap your ear twice, and ‘you’ – just point at the person you’re talking to.”

  “That’s it?”

  “That’s it.”

  Suddenly the video screen flashed and everyone looked up. A name was displayed and one of the moms stood and corralled her brood, before heading off down the corridor.

  “Teach me something else,” said Lisanne, drawing Daniel’s attention back to herself by nudging his knee.

  “Like what?”

  “How do I say, ‘My boyfriend’s Harley is cooler than yours’?”

  Daniel laughed.

  “Like this,” and he flipped the bird.

  “Stop that!” she hissed, grabbing his hand before one of the remaining children saw it. “Behave!”

  He leaned into her and ran his nose along her cheek. “Can’t do that, baby doll. Not around you.”

  The video screen flashed again and this time Daniel’s name came up.

  His smile disappeared and he sighed heavily.

  “You can stay here if you want,” he offered again, almost hopefully.

  “No. I’m coming with you,” Lisanne said insistently.

  He shrugged as if he didn’t care, and Lisanne tried not to feel hurt. She knew it was just his way – an act.

  They walked down a corridor with regimented doors, until they found number five.

  Daniel didn’t knock but walked straight in, which Lisanne found surprising.

  She followed him into a room that was small and white, with medical posters tacked to the walls: several had cross sections that showed the inner workings of the ear. One picture was of a beautiful sunset. Perhaps it was to make the place seem friendlier.

  The man they’d come to see stood up and smiled at Daniel, then cast a surprised look at Lisanne.

  He made a quick movement with his hands, clearly asking a question, and Daniel signed back.

  Lisanne was shocked. She’d expected a normal consultation. Normal? She cringed, just for thinking the word. She’d expected a spoken consultation. How dumb was that? She kicked herself for embracing yet another stereotype – automatically assuming that the doctor would be hearing.

  Instead, the entire conversation was held in sign language.

  She started paying attention when she saw that Daniel was introducing her.

  “Lis, this is Dr. Pappas – my audiologist.”

  She tried to remember the sign for ‘hello’ and gave a rather cack-handed half salute that made the doctor smile.

  “Hi,” she said shyly, holding out her hand, as he saluted her back.

  “Hel-lo, Lis,” said the doctor, in a slow, robotic monotone. “It is good to meet you.”

  Lisanne struggled to understand what Dr. Pappas was saying and looked anxiously at Daniel.

  “It’s okay,” he said, quietly. “I’ve told him this is all new to you.”

  The doctor tapped Daniel’s arm and signed something else.

  Daniel shook his head quickly, but the doctor seemed to be insisting.

  “For fuck’s sake,” Daniel muttered, earning him a rather shocked look from Lisanne. “He says that if you have any questions, just ask. But not too many, please, baby?”

  “Oh, okay,” she said, softly, having absolutely no idea what she’d ask or where to start.

  The doctor tapped Daniel’s arm again and they started signing rapidly. Lisanne sat silently, utterly bewildered, at a loss to understand a single thing. Perhaps this was how Daniel felt when he was among a group of people he didn’t know – isolated, unaware, excluded. Or perhaps this was how Daniel felt most of the time. Her heart thumped painfully and she had to stop herself from rubbing her chest to ease the stabbing sensation.

  Dr. Pappas passed Daniel some headphones and they ran through a number of tests. Lisanne watched Dr. Pappas’ computer screen as various charts appeared.

  When they’d finished with the headphones, they carried on their conversation.

  She watched Daniel and Dr. Pappas carefully. At first their body language was relaxed, but as the conversation progressed, she saw that it was becoming increasingly heated. Dr. Pappas kept looking at Lisanne, as if he was asking Daniel something about her.

  She jumped when Daniel suddenly shouted, “No!”

  “What is it?” she said nervously.

  He ignored her, signing furiously at the doctor, who seemed equally determined.

  Suddenly Daniel crossed his arms and scowled.

  “What’s wrong? What’s happened?”

  “Lis,” intoned Dr. Pappas. “Ask Dan-i-el to tell you about coch-le-ar im-plants.”

  “I said no!” Daniel roared. “Come on! We’re getting the fuck out of here.”

  He grabbed Lisanne’s wrist and pulled her out of the chair.

  She threw a hasty look at the doctor, who smiled sadly and gave her a small wave.

  Daniel towed her down the corridor, refusing to speak or explain. When they reached the parking lot she yanked her hand free.

  “Daniel! Talk to me! What just happened in there? What was he telling me to ask you about?”

  “Nothing.”

  “No! It wasn’t nothing.”

  “Just drop it, please, Lis.”

  He grabbed his hair as if he wanted to yank it out, and screwed his eyes shut.

  She reached up and stroked his face, trying to calm him.

  “Daniel, you get so mad at me if I don’t tell you everything – now you’re doing the same to me. Please – I want to understand.”

  His eyes blazed, but then he dropped his head in resignation. When he looked at her a few seconds later, she could see the pain in his eyes.

  “Okay, okay. But not here. I fucking hate hospitals. Let’s just go, okay?”

  She nodded and placed a gentle kiss on his lips.

  “We could get some takeout and go back to your place?”

  He shook his head. “No, not there. Place was jammed when I left. Can we go to your room? Kirsty’s at the beach, right?”

  “Of course. I’ll make you a coffee. We just need to buy some food.”

  They stopped at a convenience store and picked up sandwiches and chips before heading back.

  It was open house hours so at least Daniel didn’t have to sneak in, although several girls stared curiously at him and Lisanne.

  By the time Lisanne turned her key in the lock, she felt exhausted. It had been another morning spent on Daniel’s emotional rollercoaster. The only thing that stopped her from feeling sorry for herself was the look of bitterness on his face as he
’d run from the hospital. Whatever he and Dr. Pappas had argued about, it had really upset him.

  Daniel dropped his jacket on the floor and, without a word, flung himself down on Lisanne’s bed. He threw one arm over his eyes and lay still.

  Lisanne wasn’t sure what to do. She decided to give him a minute, hoping he’d talk to her when he was ready. She puttered around the room, taking off her sneakers and hanging up her jacket as well as Daniel’s. She pulled the food out of the paper bag and placed it next to him on the bedside table. Then she stroked his arm and placed a gentle kiss on his bicep.

  When he lifted his arm to look at her, she kissed his mouth, letting her tongue flick along his top lip.

  His surprised expression turned into a sexy smile.

  “I thought I was being invited for coffee?”

  She pulled a face. “You really want coffee?”

  He laughed. “Yeah, I’m actually kind of thirsty. And hungry.”

  “I’ve got some cookies, too.”

  “Chocolate chip?” he asked, his eyes lighting up like Christmas.

  Lisanne laughed. “As it happens, yes!”

  She reached into her cabinet and threw an unopened packet to him. Then she realized she was out of coffee. Completely.

  “Uh, Daniel, I don’t have any coffee!”

  His expression was amused. “So you brought me here under false pretenses?”

  She crossed her arms, a little embarrassed, then inspiration hit. “But I’ve got that beer you left behind the other day. It’s not cold, but…”

  “Better not, baby doll. If I get stopped by the cops again on the way home and they smell alcohol on me, I’ll be in a shitload of trouble.”

  Lisanne took a deep breath. “You can stay here – for the night. Kirsty won’t be coming back. I mean, if you want to.”

  Daniel stared at her.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Y-yes.”

  “C’mere.”

  Nervously she walked toward him. He sat up and swung his legs off the bed, then pulled her down so she was sitting on his lap.

  “Lis, I promise I’ll make it good for you, baby doll, but only when you’re ready. Yeah, I’d really like to stay but we don’t have to do anything, okay?”

  “Okay,” she said, her voice a little shaky.

  “Good. Now where’s that damn beer?” he said, planting a noisy kiss just below her throat.

  She pushed him away playfully and dug the beer out from under her bed, where she’d hidden it.

  She looked up and watched in fascination as Daniel kicked off his boots. Then he peeled off his socks and launched himself backward onto her bed again, patting the space beside him.

  She crawled up next to him and he pulled her into his chest, kissing her hair. She felt his muscles contract and ripple as he reached over to grab a beer. He popped the tab and offered it to Lisanne first.

  “Okay, just a sip,” she said.

  She realized this was going to be awkward. Snuggling into him was wonderful, but they couldn’t carry on a conversation like that. Wondering what she wanted more – to talk, or to cuddle – she had a couple of sips of beer, then passed it back to him.

  He took a long drink, tipping his head back. She watched his Adam’s apple move as he drank, and wondered what it would feel like under her tongue.

  Before Daniel had even placed his beer back on the bedside table, Lisanne slid her fingers under his t-shirt.

  He looked down at her.

  “Will you take it off?” she said, shocked by her own forwardness.

  Giving her a small smile, he pulled the t-shirt over his head from the back of the neck.

  Lisanne could have sworn she heard a few seams rip, but she didn’t say anything. He tossed it onto her chair and sat back on the bed.

  “Am I allowed to eat something now or do you want to keep undressing me?”

  Lisanne laughed, hoping it sounded – or at least looked – vaguely natural.

  Trying to act casual, she threw a packet of sandwiches at him, watching with amusement as he devoured them in a couple of bites.

  “What?” he mumbled with crumbs on his lips. “I’m hungry.”

  Shaking her head, Lisanne ate her own sandwich more slowly and let Daniel have the lion’s share of the chips. But when it came to chocolate chip cookies, she insisted on an equal division of the spoils.

  “Don’t come between me and my cookies,” she said with a challenging look, daring him to have more than his fair share.

  He laughed and pretended to look scared.

  Lisanne didn’t want to spoil the banter, but there was a big elephant in the room that they weren’t discussing. She wasn’t sure how to bring up Dr. Pappas’ words to her. But she needed to know… to understand.

  “Daniel…” she began. “About what Dr. Pappas said…”

  He frowned and looked down, his mood changing rapidly.

  “Lis…”

  “Please, I just want to understand. What did he mean?”

  For a moment she thought he was going to refuse to explain, but instead he took a deep breath.

  “He was talking about a cochlear implant.”

  “Cochlear?” Lisanne tested the unfamiliar word.

  He nodded. “It’s part of the inner ear. I can give you all the technical shit but basically it processes sound. There’s an implant that’s been developed that can give back some hearing. It doesn’t work for all deaf people – it depends on what caused the hearing loss.”

  “Would it work for you?”

  “Maybe. Dr. Pappas thinks so.”

  Lisanne was confused. If the doctor thought it could help Daniel to hear again, she couldn’t imagine what he was waiting for.

  “You don’t want to?”

  “No, I fucking don’t!”

  Lisanne was shocked by the vehemence of his reply. She pushed her finger into a worn patch on the knee of her jeans.

  “I don’t understand. Why wouldn’t you?”

  “Because!” he shouted, then lowered his voice. “Because it means having a fucking chunk of metal drilled into your skull, and a magnet shoved under your skin so you can clip on a receiver that’s attached to another fucking hearing aid. And after all that, there’s no guarantee it would work. I told you – I’m sick of hospitals.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “I’m sick of being different.”

  “But you could hear again?”

  “Could. Could hear. Nothing’s definite.”

  Lisanne wasn’t sure how far she should push him, but she still didn’t understand why he was so against trying.

  “Wouldn’t some hearing be worth it? Isn’t it worth trying?”

  He looked at her angrily.

  “You think I’m broken, don’t you? You think I should be fixed. You want me to be normal. I’ll never be your version of normal, Lis. I’ll never be like you – like them.”

  He waved his arm around, to emphasize his point.

  She felt tears start in her eyes.

  “I’m not trying to fix you, Daniel. I just want you to be happy. I love you just the way you are.”

  He blinked at her, looking shocked. Lisanne held her breath when she realized what she’d said. She hadn’t meant to say it. She didn’t even realize it was true until that moment.

  “You… you love me?” His voice was faint, disbelieving.

  Lisanne nodded slowly, afraid to take her eyes away from his beautiful face.

  “But… why?”

  He looked lost, confused, so unsure of himself: Lisanne felt her heart tremble.

  “Because you’re kind, and good, and sweet, and funny. Because I feel happy when I’m with you. You make me feel protected, safe.” She shrugged. “You’re everything.”

  His voice was bewildered. “But why?”

  Lisanne shook her head, unable to speak any further.

  She crawled up the bed and he automatically wrapped his arms around her shoulders and pulled her toward him. She lay with her head on his chest
, listening to the frantic pounding of his heart.

  His skin was warm and silky, inviting Lisanne to place gentle kisses over his torso.

  He shivered under her touch and pulled her in tighter, making it hard for her to move. Needing to keep touching him, she traced the tattoo on his left shoulder with one finger. It was a bird, bursting from flames – a phoenix in red and gold: the symbol of rebirth. The tail feathers curled around to the top half of his chest, resting just above the small silver ring that pierced his nipple. Further down his arm, there were dark blue swirls that looked like waves and in between them, tiny musical notes in black.

  She knew that on his other shoulder, he carried a dragon in a Celtic design of sea-greens and blues. She pushed away from him so she could see it again.

  A sinuous lizard coiled itself from his elbow to the top of his arm, silvery gray smoke curling from its nostrils.

  “It’s beautiful,” she breathed. “You’re beautiful.” She let her finger drift over his bicep. “Why a dragon? Does it mean anything?”

  He nodded slowly, one had stroking her back in long, languid, featherlight touches.

  “The dragon means wisdom, and the ability to go through different worlds.”

  Different worlds.

  Lisanne thought she was beginning to understand, but Daniel didn’t make it easy.

  She followed the dragon’s tail thoughtfully, Daniel’s eyes watching her.

  “You’ve got another tattoo… on your hip. I saw it… last time.”

  He nodded, his eyes so dark and sensuous, the hazel eclipsed.

  “Do you want to see it again?”

  Lisanne wasn’t sure if they were still talking tattoos, but managed to murmur, “Yes.”

  Daniel unbuttoned his jeans and pulled the zipper down. Then he pushed a corner of the denim away to reveal his hipbone and two Kanji in black ink.

  “What do they mean?”

  “It’s Japanese. It says ‘nozomu’. It means hope or wish.”

  Lisanne traced the outline with her index finger and his body quivered under her touch.

  Suddenly, he pulled her hand away.

  “What?”

  “Lis, you’re making it hard for me to stop from fucking you here and now,” he said, breathing heavily.

  She froze, then looked up at him.