Barefoot

by Ruth Patterson

  She backed away instinctively. ‘I don’t understand.’

  ‘If it wasn’t for you, Cal would be staying here, where he belongs.’

  Toni shook her head. ‘That’s not fair. I don’t want him to go any more than you do. That’s why I’m here. To tell him.’

  Matt sneered. ‘It’s a shame you’re too late then, isn’t it?’

  The café door banged and Jen came out holding a cup of coffee. She sat down at one of the wooden picnic tables, watching Matt warily.

  ‘What do you mean, too late?’

  ‘He’s gone, that’s what I mean.’

  No. He can’t have.

  ‘But …..he said he was leaving on Saturday. That’s tomorrow,’ Toni stammered.

  ‘Well, it looks like he was stringing you along, doesn’t it?’ Matt laughed and strode off.

  Toni sank down onto one of the chairs next to Jen. ‘He’s gone already.’ As she said it out loud, tears began to stream down her face.

  Jen sipped her coffee and watched the piglets fighting to get to the food trough.

  The café door banged again and Debs came out. She stood there for a few moments, looking uncomfortable as Toni wiped her face with her sleeve.

  ‘I didn’t hear what Matt said. But I’m guessing it wasn’t pleasant.’

  Toni shook her head. She didn’t trust herself to speak.

  ‘Cal decided to go on the same plane as his cousin Lucy in the end.’ Debs held out an envelope. ‘But he left this for you.’

  As Toni reached out to take it, her hand shook.

  ‘I don’t know what’s in it. He just said, if you came over I was to give it to you.’

  Toni looked at the envelope. ‘You could have thrown it away.’

  Debs shook her head. ‘I’m not cruel.’ She glanced into the café. ‘I’m sorry. I have customers who need serving.’

  ‘Thank you.’ Toni smiled at her.

  ‘You’re welcome.’ Debs smiled back, sadly, then disappeared back inside.

  Toni turned the envelope over, puzzled. It wasn’t just a card. She could feel something else inside as well. ‘But why didn’t he just post it? I might never have come over. I might never have got it.’

  Jen laughed. ‘That’s the point, idiot. This way he knows you made the effort to come over here. So you care, too. Are you going to actually open it?’

  Toni hesitated. ‘Would you mind dropping me home? I think I’d like to read it later, when I’m alone.’

  ************

  She waited when she got back to the cottage, staring at the envelope and putting off the inevitable moment. She made her bed and picked all her clothes up off the floor, then she stacked her school books in neat piles.

  Not yet.

  She moved downstairs to the tiny kitchen and washed up both the cereal bowls from breakfast, swept away the toast crumbs, and wiped down the work surfaces. And then she gave in.

  Inside was a card with a beautiful skewbald on the front. Toni took a deep breath and opened it.

  Sorry.

  Really hoped we could have talked.

  Really hope u r around when I get back.

  X Cal.

  Toni shook the envelope and a silver chain fell out, with a tiny horse hanging from it.

  Her eyes filled with tears as she stared at it, cursing herself for being so pig-headed and not trying to talk to him earlier. She fastened the chain around her neck and looked at it in the mirror. Her whole body ached when she thought of what she had missed, and of the twelve long weeks stretching ahead.

  She picked up her phone and scrolled back through all the texts she had ignored, and read through them one-by-one. In each one he begged her to talk. And she had never given him a chance.

  She met up with Lauren in town the next day and showed the card to her.

  ‘He’s never actually said he cares.’

  ‘As good as,’ Lauren pointed out. ‘And you’ve sent him off thinking you don’t.’

  ‘And he gave me this,’ Toni admitted, pulling the necklace out from under her school shirt.

  ‘Wow. That’s so pretty. He’s definitely into you.’ Lauren was positive now. ‘No question.’

  ‘What should I do?’ Toni fingered the necklace.

  ‘Message him and say thanks, for a start,’ Lauren suggested. ‘He’ll post stuff online for sure.’ She was practical as always. ‘Check it out. Keep in touch. But stay cool.’

  *************

  Toni logged on that night to let Cal know she had got the necklace.

  ‘It’s beautiful.’ She couldn’t think what else to say.

  It was nearly three days before she got a response.

  ‘Glad u like it’.

  ‘What’s it like over there?’

  ‘Fabulous. So much space.’

  Toni wondered why it had taken him so long to get back to her.

  He had a long flight. He’s settling in, that’s all.

  She checked his wall every day from then on. At first Cal didn’t post much at all, and it was pretty clear he was not big on communication. But then, gradually, he began to add photos. They were mainly of the horses and scenery, but occasionally there was one of him, relaxed and happy, in amongst a big group of people. She always studied the girls carefully, wondering.

  Is he watching my wall as well?

  Toni posted photos of Grace and Buster, just in case.

  Buster - looking like a teddy bear. She messaged with one photo. His clip had nearly grown out and she couldn’t believe how long his coat was.

  ‘He looks epic.’ Cal startled her by messaging back one day.

  ‘How are his hooves?’

  ‘Doing well.’

  ‘Good for you.’

  Toni breathed a sigh of relief. He was watching. Even though he didn’t say much.

  Stay cool. That’s what Lauren had said.

  But she missed him so much. It was a feeling that never left, but settled instead into a dull ache she carried around with her all the time. He was out there having a wonderful adventure, and everything in her life seemed mundane and difficult.

  As summer became autumn, the days began to merge into each other, then the weeks. It was tough cycling to the ponies every day, and she found it lonely living with her father, who rarely got home before nine in the evening, and sometimes had to work on Saturday as well. And she didn’t even want to think about her GCSE’s.

  She hated her mother. But at the same time found herself sometimes missing her life at the yard. It was all so confusing. Arabella hadn’t been in touch at all, which was weird, and most of the time Toni managed to avoid thinking about her at all.

  But, as the nights grew colder, Grace grew more and more miserable. She was still only wearing her lightweight rug and Toni knew she was going to have to go back to the yard to pick up the heavyweight instead.

  At first she planned to cycle over after school one day, but decided balancing the heavy rug on the bike would be a nightmare. And the truth was that she wanted her father there with her. Just in case her mother was in a fighting mood.

  They drove over in silence one evening and she realised he probably was feeling just as nervous as she was. It was past nine-thirty when they arrived. The yard was shrouded in darkness, but the security lights sprang on as soon as they drove in. Her father killed the engine and they both sat there for a moment or two, delaying the inevitable moment.

  ‘I should probably let her know we’re here,’ he said at last.

  Toni nodded. ‘I guess.’

  ‘Do you need to get anything from inside the house?’

  Some more clothes would have been useful, but she wasn’t going to risk going in. ‘No. It’s just the horse rug.’ The yard lights dimmed again when neither of them moved. She looked sideways, trying to read his face in the dark. ‘Couldn’t we just grab it and go?’

  He shifted in his seat uncomfortably. ‘OK. Go for it. If your mother turns up, I’ll try to keep her talking.’

  Toni le
apt out of the car and fled to the rug-store, then fumbled with the cold padlock. Inside she found Grace’s rugs hung up on the rack, just as she had left them.

  Almost as if she’s expecting us back.

  Toni shook off the thought. Pulling down the rug from the rack, she locked the door again and bolted. But as she turned the corner into the parking area, her heart sank. Arabella was standing there already, face to face with her father.

  Toni clutched the rug tightly to her chest and forced herself to walk slowly towards them.

  Her mother turned round as she approached. ‘And here she is.’ She stood there, eyes narrowed and arms folded.

  Toni tried to edge closer to the car, but Arabella put up a hand and stopped her. ‘Where do you think you’re going with that rug?’

  ‘Grace needs her heavyweight turnout,’ Toni mumbled. Her father was silent, and she wondered what her mother had been saying.

  ‘So, you have them out at night?’

  Toni had walked straight into her trap. ‘They have a field shelter,’ she said quickly.

  Arabella laughed. ‘You won’t hack it. By yourself out in a field all winter. With two ponies. You’ve no idea how easy you had it here.’

  Her father stood up for her. ‘She’s managing just fine.’

  Arabella ignored him completely. All her attention was fixed on Toni. ‘I’m willing to overlook what’s happened, Antonia.’

  ‘If what?’ her father asked.

  Arabella still didn’t look at him. ‘If you come back. Have lessons and start competing again.’

  Toni looked around the yard, at the floodlit arena and the horse-walker, and thought about the cold winter nights stretching ahead of her. It would be so easy just to give in. ‘Would I get to keep Buster?’ She saw her father’s look of shock that she was even considering it. But she couldn’t help asking.

  Her mother appeared to think about this seriously. ‘He can come back, yes.’

  Toni could feel herself weakening.

  ‘Ebony’s thrown a shoe, so Clive’s here next week.’ she added. ‘He can put Buster’s shoes back on and we’ll go from there.’

  Toni snapped out of her trance. ‘No.’ She moved closer to her father. ‘As Dad says. We’re managing just fine.’

  Arabella stared at them both in disgust. ‘Go then. But I give it until Christmas. You’ll come crawling back before the winter’s out. Trust me.’

  ***** Seventeen *****

  ‘We should go out.’ Lauren bent to look out of the low bedroom window. It was a cold and frosty Saturday and she had come over to hang out, only to find Toni still lying stretched out on her bed. ‘You can show me round the village.’

  ‘There’s not much to see. And I’m too tired.’

  ‘That’s all I hear nowadays,’ Lauren complained.

  Toni sat up, surprised.

  Her friend shrugged. ‘Sorry, but I’m gonna tell it like it is. You’re no fun to be around anymore.’

  ‘That’s not true… ’ Toni began to defend herself, but Lauren was on a roll.

  ‘It is true. Ever since Cal left you’ve been moping around.’ Her frustration seemed to fill the tiny bedroom. ‘Get on with your life and show him you’re worth coming back for.’

  There was a painful silence.

  ‘How do you do it?’ Toni asked her.

  ‘Do what?’

  ‘Always stay so positive. Especially given … you know.’

  ‘You mean given I’m adopted?’

  ‘Yes.’

  Lauren sighed and sat on the bed. ‘I told you. I think I’m one of the lucky ones. And I guess it’s taught me always to concentrate on the good stuff.’

  ‘So what’s good about my life right now?’

  ‘Heaps. Your dad’s come through for you, for a start. You’ve kept the ponies.’ Lauren grinned. ‘You have an epic friend.’

  Toni couldn’t help smiling.

  ‘Why don’t you come out with us tonight?’ Lauren urged.

  ‘Where?’ Toni felt wary instantly. ‘And who’s us?’

  ‘It’s Tia’s birthday. There’s a gang going for a pizza.’

  She hesitated.

  ‘It’s only a pizza. No tricks.’

  ‘I haven’t got her a present.’

  ‘I have. It can be from us both.’ When Toni still didn’t respond, Lauren sprang to her feet and held her hands up. ‘OK, I officially give up.’

  ‘No. No!’ Toni couldn’t lose her friendship. ‘I’ll be there.’

  ‘Great!’ Lauren was triumphant now. ‘Seven-thirty. Don’t be late.’

  Toni waved her off and pulled herself together. She called her father and told him she planned to go out, and he promised faithfully to give her a lift into town. She cycled over to do Buster and Grace, then back to the cottage for a hot shower and a change, before picking through her small wardrobe and deciding what to wear.

  She chose her nicest jeans and made an extra special effort, putting her hair up and even wearing some make-up. But then her father was delayed, and there was nothing she could do, but sit and wait.

  It was quarter past eight by the time she finally made it into town. When she pushed open the restaurant door and scanned the tables, she couldn’t see Lauren anywhere.

  ‘I’ll be two minutes.’ A waiter swept by, leaving her standing there feeling self-conscious. Out of the corner of her eye she saw a guy heading in her direction.

  ‘You look lost.’

  Toni ignored him.

  ‘Hey. It’s Toni, isn’t it?’

  She turned round and realised it was Cal’s brother Sam. Toni breathed out in relief. ‘Sorry, I thought you were some random guy hitting on me.’

  ‘I’m certainly not random,’ he grinned.

  Toni was confused for a moment.

  Does that mean he is hitting on me?

  ‘How are you coping with my little brother so far away?’

  ‘He’s often online,’ she said, deliberately vague. She didn’t know why she found him so unsettling.

  ‘It’s not the same though, is it? As having someone actually in the room. Close.’

  His gaze held hers and Toni stopped breathing for a moment.

  ‘So here you are! At last.’ Lauren was standing looking at them curiously.

  ‘I have to go.’ Toni turned gratefully.

  ‘No sweat.’ Sam grinned. ‘I’m sure we’re gonna see more of each other.’ He waved and headed off back to his own table of friends.

  Toni pushed Lauren ahead of her in the opposite direction. ‘I couldn’t see you guys.’

  ‘We’re in the back room. They keep it for special events,’ she explained. ‘So… ’

  ‘So… what?’ Toni delayed the inevitable. She knew exactly what Lauren meant.

  ‘Who was he?’

  ‘Cal’s brother, Sam.’

  Lauren shrieked. ‘He’s so fit!’

  ‘Really?’ Toni tried to sound casual. ‘I haven’t noticed.’

  ‘That I don’t believe. I saw the chemistry between you two.’

  ‘No. You didn’t.’ Toni felt disturbed. ‘So forget it, OK?’ She sounded angrier than she meant to.

  ‘Hey. Cool it. I was just teasing.’ Lauren linked her arm through Toni’s. ‘As you were so late I’ve ordered for you. Pepperoni.’

  Toni let herself be led into the party, wondering why Lauren’s comment had upset her so much.

  There wasn’t any truth in it after all.

  ************

  On Monday after school, she looked out of the tiny cottage window with dismay. Rain bucketed down, and the October sky was dark and heavy. But Toni had no choice. She had to check on the ponies. She slipped out of her school skirt and tugged on her waterproof trousers, began to pull off her school jumper, then shivered and decided to leave it on as an extra layer under her fleece.

  She looked longingly at the computer in the corner of the room. She would love to log on and see if there was any news from Cal. As the weeks passed she found herse
lf scrolling through the photos more and more often, just to remember his face. And to check his status, of course.