Barefoot

by Ruth Patterson

  Looking after the ponies was getting harder than she had ever imagined. She cycled there every evening, whatever the weather, and Arabella’s words often came back to haunt her.

  ‘You’ll come crawling back before the winter’s out.’

  Toni was determined not to prove her right.

  She sighed and pulled on her hi-vis jacket and let herself out onto the patio, where her bike stood propped against the fence. Three miles there, three miles back. And she still had a couple of hours of homework to do after that. She set off with her head down into the driving rain, pedalling furiously.

  When she arrived, Buster and Grace were both standing with their heads inside the field shelter, sheltering from the rain. It was only designed for one pony, so both their bums stuck out. Buster backed out at once and whinnied a greeting. She ran her fingers under his lightweight waterproof and was amazed at the body heat he was generating with the long winter coat.

  He nuzzled her pocket and she fished out a carrot and he grabbed it. Grace still didn’t bother moving, even when she saw Buster eating, which wasn’t a good sign.

  Buster was a native. Hardy and bred to be out twenty-four-seven. The thoroughbred was a different story. She was used to being in at night, and often all day as well in the worst of the winter weather. She was thoroughly miserable in the rain and mud.

  Toni shooed Buster away and took the lantern out of her backpack and hung it on a hook, then slipped into the tiny field shelter alongside the mare.

  She rubbed her head. ‘Hey, girl. What’s up?’ Grace didn’t respond and hung her head low. Toni circled her arms around her neck and hugged her. She knew exactly what was up. Grace wanted a warm stable. Even under a heavyweight rug, she was struggling to maintain her body heat. Buster snuk up and head-butted Toni from behind, demanding food.

  ‘Hooves first.’ She picked them out and examined each one carefully. The walls seemed to be thickening up nicely and she applied the paste Jen had recommended. She paid special attention to Grace’s legs, too. The last thing she needed was the thoroughbred getting mud fever. Then she mixed them both a bucket of chaff. Buster hoovered his up instantly and dived into Grace’s food as well.

  ‘No you don’t!’ Toni yanked his head out of the bucket and stood guard, while Grace slowly munched her way through her food. She was freezing to death and willing the mare to hurry up. Finally she stacked the buckets, packed up her lantern and set off for home again.

  The next morning Toni got up and dressed as usual, and waved her father off. Then she took her uniform off again and just climbed back into bed. She hadn’t planned to do it at all, but the simple act of pulling the duvet over her head helped block everything out.

  She slept until past lunchtime, then cycled over to the ponies while it was still light. When she got back to the cottage she logged on to see what Cal had posted. It would be around lunchtime over in Canada. He was almost certain to be out working with the horses.

  But to her delight he was online.

  ‘Hey. Howz things?’ she asked.

  ‘Fantastic. Howz u??’

  ‘Good.’

  ‘Is it OK at your dad’s?’

  ‘It’s cool.’

  What else was there to say?

  ‘How r Buster and Grace?’ Cal asked.

  ‘Both good.’

  Toni felt hopelessly insecure. If he was having such a fantastic time, he couldn’t be missing her very much. She logged off quickly, not giving him chance to ask more, and went upstairs to crawl back into bed. She was angry he had left. But she missed him at the same time. There was so much she wanted to say to him, but she didn’t know how.

  He’ll be home in three weeks.

  I can say it all then.

  Her father arrived back at eight-thirty, shattered as usual, and didn’t seem to suspect a thing. So the following day Toni went back to bed again. That evening her father arrived home at six and she could tell immediately he knew.

  ‘Your school contacted your mother, and she phoned me. They said you were absent yesterday and today.’

  Toni couldn’t meet his eye.

  ‘Are you ill?’

  She couldn’t bring herself to lie.

  ‘Did you skip school, Toni?’ he asked her directly.

  She nodded, and waited for him to explode. But he sat down next to her on the small sofa instead, and took her hand.

  ‘Can’t you see that’s just going to give your mother ammunition? She’ll argue I’m not managing to look after you properly.’

  She hadn’t thought of that. ‘I’m sorry. It was stupid.’

  ‘Is it too much, looking after Buster and Grace?’

  She didn’t dare admit it was. She couldn’t bear to lose them too. ‘No, it’s fine.’

  He wasn’t convinced, she could tell. ‘It’s your GCSE year. It’s going to get even tougher.’

  The thought of her exams was too much, and she broke down.

  ‘Hey. Hey.’ He hugged her. ‘Come on. You’re going to have to help me out here. What is it?’

  ‘Everything’s changed. And I miss Cal.’ She shocked herself by telling him, and he looked startled, too.

  ‘I thought you’d forgotten him.’

  Toni shook her head. ‘I think about him all the time.’

  ‘Are you in touch?’

  She nodded. ‘Online.’ She glanced sideways, trying to see his reaction. ‘I know you don’t want me to be.’

  They both sat in silence for a while. Toni reached for a tissue and blew her nose.

  ‘I don’t suppose talking online can do much harm,’ he said carefully, then sighed. ‘We can’t go on like this.’

  ‘Like what?’

  ‘Me getting home late every night. You spending so much time alone.’

  ‘I don’t mind. Honestly.’

  ‘Well, I do.’ He hesitated. ‘I’ve been thinking about things and I’ve reached a decision.’

  Toni panicked instantly. ‘I don’t want to go back. Please. Don’t send me back, Dad.’

  ‘Shhh,’ he reassured her. ‘You don’t have to go back. I’m going to look for a local job instead.’

  Her eyes swam with tears. ‘You’d do that for me?’

  He smiled. ‘You’re my daughter and I love you. I’d do anything for you.’

  The tears dripped down her nose. She wiped her face with the back of her hand.

  ‘And we need to put some effort into finding a livery a bit closer. We’ll take a drive round this weekend. See what we can see.’

  Toni was filled with relief. All the joy was going out of owning the ponies and she wanted to find it again.

  ‘One condition, though,’ he added.

  ‘What?’

  ‘No more skipping school. If you’re finding things tough, talk to me.’

  She nodded. ‘Deal.’

  ‘And it might take a while for me to find a job locally,’ he warned. ‘So we’re both just going to have to do our best until then.’

  ‘Thanks, Dad.’ She leant against him and could feel his warmth.

  ‘And it’s not all bad, is it? You’ve got your sixteenth to plan. Any ideas what you want to do?’

  Toni didn’t want to even think about it. ‘Why don’t you surprise me?’

  ‘OK. You’re on. And darling…’

  ‘Mm?’

  ‘Cal will be back. If he’s worth waiting for.’

  ***** Eighteen *****

  As her sixteenth got nearer, Toni finally gave in to the pressure and went to Cheltenham with B to shop for clothes.

  ‘I’m not having you turn up in a pair of jeans on your big day,’ her aunt insisted. ‘You’re an attractive girl and you don’t make the best of yourself.’

  Toni didn’t really see the point. The only guy she wanted to look good for was three thousand miles away.

  ‘And I’ve booked you a hair appointment as well,’ B said. ‘No arguments.’

  To keep the peace, Toni allowed herself to be dragged from boutique to bout
ique and tried on a mountain of dresses and accessories. In the end she was secretly pleased with what they bought. A little cream lace dress, accessorised with a large belt. She even let B persuade her into her first pair of heels.

  When she stood back and looked at the final outfit in the mirror, she was pleasantly surprised. The hairdresser had persuaded her to have some layers, and her hair framed her face, instead of hanging down all one length. One thing was certain, she looked older than sixteen. She imagined what it would have been like to dance with Cal, and it made her heart ache.

  B dropped her back at the cottage and Toni was just taking her bags of clothes upstairs when her father rang.

  ‘Successful shopping trip?’

  ‘Very. I won’t embarrass you by turning up for the party in jeans.’ She suddenly wondered why he was calling. It couldn’t be to discuss clothes. ‘What’s up?’

  ‘Bad news, I’m afraid. I’m not going to make it back for the start of the fireworks.’

  It was bonfire night, one of her favourite times of the year. Toni realised how much she had been looking forward to it.

  ‘I can meet you there later,’ he offered.

  ‘They set the fireworks off at six-thirty,’ she pointed out. ‘It won’t be worth it. In fact, I don’t think I’ll bother this year.’

  ‘Don’t be silly. You love it. Call Lauren,’ he insisted.

  In the end she did, only to find Lauren wasn’t planning to go to the village event either.

  ‘Marnie’s are having one this year. There’s a hog roast and music. It should be cool. Everyone’s going.’

  ‘I’m not sure how I would get there.’

  ‘Hang on.’ Toni heard muffled voices, then Lauren was back on the line. ‘Mum says she’ll drop us. And pick us up again.’

  That sorted that. But Toni still hadn’t decided what to do with the ponies. She would feel happier if they were safely inside, but the field shelter wasn’t big enough for them both. In the end she reached a compromise. She cycled over there before it got dark, encouraged Grace in and put the chain across so she couldn’t get out. The thoroughbred was the most likely to spook if she heard fireworks. Buster would cope.

  She cycled back and arrived at the cottage, just as Lauren turned up with her mother to pick her up. No time to change after all. She always seemed to be racing against the clock nowadays.

  The traffic was backed up and Lauren’s mother was forced to drop them right down at the bottom of the lane. They picked their way down the rutted drive in the dark and stood in a queue for tickets, then in another one for hot dogs. Lauren was right. Everyone had turned up.

  Groups of teenagers stood around with bottles of beer, and Toni felt awkward and out of place. It was a very different atmosphere from the village display.

  ‘Come on. Let’s get closer to the fire,’ Lauren urged. She melted into the crowd immediately and Toni soon lost sight of her and felt herself begin to panic. There was a series of bangs and a flash of light, as the first fireworks lit the sky, and the crowd pushed forwards to get a better view.

  All the people pressed around her and Toni began to find it hard to breathe. She turned and headed back against the tide, like a salmon swimming upstream. What she needed more than anything else was to get out.

  ‘Hey, it’s Toni.’

  She tried to focus on who was talking to her and for a moment couldn’t recognise the face under the beanie. Then she saw the flint-grey eyes. Sam.

  He looked concerned. ‘Are you OK?’

  She shook her head.

  ‘I’ll catch you later,’ he nodded to the two guys he was with and they walked off, smirking. ‘What’s up?’

  ‘I feel like I’m suffocating. There are too many people.’

  ‘OK, let’s get out of here, shall we?’ He took her arm and she let him lead her. People seemed to magically move out of his way, until they were on the edge of the crowd again and he directed her over to some bales of hay stacked alongside the drive. ‘Here. Sit down.’

  ‘I’m fine. Honestly.’ Toni felt embarrassed now. ‘Sorry, I don’t know what happened. I lost my friend and just got a bit freaked out.’

  ‘Easily done in a crowd.’ He didn’t make a big deal out of it and she was grateful. ‘Hey, you’re shivering. I’ll go and get us some coffee, shall I? Warm you up?’

  She nodded, and Sam headed over to one of the food caravans, leaving her sitting there. The temperature was beginning to drop. She hadn’t had time to change out of her riding boots and could feel her feet starting to go numb.

  A few minutes later he returned holding two steaming cups. ‘Here.’

  She took one of the cups and wrapped her fingers round it gratefully.

  Sam pulled a bottle out of his pocket. ‘Have a slug of this in it as well. Brandy. It’ll warm you up.’

  It seemed rude to say no. ‘OK. Just a little, thanks.’

  He poured a generous slug into her cup and she sipped it cautiously, surprised how good it tasted.

  ‘Like the hair, by the way,’ he said.

  Toni was amazed he had noticed. ‘Thanks.’

  They sat in silence for a while watching the firework display and sipping the coffee. Gradually she felt herself begin to relax. ‘Did you drop out of college to work for your dad in the end?’

  Sam shook his head. ‘I’ve got to do a work placement for a term, so I’m doing it on the farm. I’d have preferred somewhere else obviously, but …. you know how things are.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’ Toni felt partly responsible.

  ‘Not your fault. I always planned on coming back to help eventually. That’s why I chose a business degree.’

  ‘So… ’ She didn’t know how to put it. ‘Is everything going to be OK?’

  ‘Do you mean will the farm go under?’

  She blushed, and was relieved he couldn’t see in the dark.

  ‘Not if I can help it, no. I’ve drawn up a new marketing strategy, and come up with some pretty major changes. Sent a feasibility study to the bank.’

  She nodded as if she understood, and sipped her coffee again.

  ‘It’s a lot for Dad to take on-board though, so we’ll just have to wait and see.’

  There was a silence.

  ‘What news from my little brother?’ Sam asked.

  ‘He still seems to be having a great time,’ she tried to sound enthusiastic. ‘The ranch seems amazing. And the horses.’

  ‘It certainly looks fantastic,’ Sam said. ‘You never know. He might end up wanting to stay over there.’

  He had voiced her deepest fear, and Toni felt her throat tighten. She took a gulp of her coffee quickly. ‘Do you really think he might not come back?’

  He shrugged. ‘Why would he?’

  What about me?

  ‘What about Rebel?’ she asked instead.

  ‘Dad wanted to sell him, but Mum wasn’t having any of it.’

  Toni wondered if Cal knew. ‘I guess if he really clashes with your dad, he might not want to come back. I can’t imagine ever wanting to go back to live with my mother.’

  ‘Yeah, well, from what I hear she’s a genuine head case,’ Sam laughed.

  Toni was shocked, but found herself laughing too.

  ‘But Dad’s OK, really he is,’ Sam went on. ‘He’s just been through a rough patch, that’s all.’ He moved closer to Toni and she found herself leaning against him. She looked up and was drawn to his mouth. It was so like Cal’s.

  ‘You know, if you are missing my little brother,’ he whispered, ‘you can always come out with me instead.’

  Toni saw the glint in his eyes and pulled back, stood up and threw her half-drunk cup of coffee on the ground. She felt a little dizzy and wondered how much brandy he had given her. Glancing around, she saw the fireworks had finished and the crowd was beginning to break up. ‘My friend will be worrying about me.’

  Sam stood up and stretched. ‘Your loss. You know where I am if you change your mind.’

  Toni walked a
way quickly, disgusted with herself. For having the brandy and being so naïve. For nearly kissing him. When she pulled her phone out of her pocket, she realised it had been on silent all the time. She had missed three texts from Lauren.

  ‘Where r u?’???? The first one said.

  ‘Am waiting by the burger van. Where r u???????’