Always You

by Lizzie Morton

  ‘There might be a few other odd jobs I need you to do here and there. If we get busy on food, etc. I might need you to jump in and lend a hand, but it’s pretty basic bar stuff and you can cook, right? I mean you can heat things up because that’s all it is really.’

  ‘I can find my way around a kitchen if needed.’ I offer a reassuring smile.

  ‘Great, the last guy made the microwave explode. I mean who doesn’t know how to use one? Also, there was something else I was wondering if you could help with?’

  ‘Shoot…’

  Rubbing the back of his head, he seems uncertain with what he’s about to ask. ‘Well, we’re getting quite a following in the music scene and we could do with some decent images. I know it’d help a lot of the bands out, and it’d be great for us, we need some proper marketing material. We need to start being all professional and shit…’

  I could let him carry on rambling nervously but instead I put him out of his misery, placing my hand on his arm reassuringly, ‘Shaun, it’s fine. Just let me know when you need things doing and we can figure something out.’

  ‘That was easy, Abs, you’re a life saver,’ even though he gives me a playful shove, the expression on his face shows his relief is genuine and that he appreciates the help.

  ‘Obviously. But remember, I’m leaving at the end of the summer no matter what.’

  ‘That’s fine. We just need you over the summer while it’s busy. Plus, it’ll be good getting to spend time with you while you’re back. It’s been forever.’ When he smiles, his eyes crinkle in that friendly way again, and I feel slightly flustered under his gaze. Nobody would blame me as I’m human, and as Shaun has gotten older, he’s also become unbelievably hot. Unlike his brother, Sam, his blond hair is slightly longer and shaggy in that Kurt Cobain sort of way. A flame tattoo peeks out from underneath his shirt collar and a giant Enso sign inks his forearm, the eyebrow piercing finishes his whole grunge rocker look off to a T. Throw in the rugged bar owner gig he’s got working for him, and it’s no wonder most of the women keep gazing over at him longingly and then throwing hacky looks my way thanks to the undivided attention I’m receiving.

  ‘You’re happy then? Being back, I mean.’ There’s concern in his voice and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out why he thinks I might not be happy being home.

  ‘Yes, I’m happy to be home,’ He doesn’t take the hint with my blunt reply, that I don’t want the conversation to go further.

  ‘It’s been a long time since you’ve been back. Six years. A lot of things have changed.’

  ‘I know but it’s fine. I’m fine.’ I shrug, looking around the bar, trying to fake nonchalance. Really my insides are churning from the probing and fear of the direction he’s trying to push the conversation towards.

  ‘Have you seen him?’ His bluntness has me taken aback; most people have avoided any reference to Jake at all costs, knowing it’s a no go.

  I choose my words carefully. ‘I’ve seen him. Not out of choice though.’

  ‘How was it?’

  ‘Shit. How else would it be? We didn’t exactly leave things on good terms.’

  ‘He’s changed a lot you know; he’s grown up.’

  Here we go again with team Jake.

  ‘You could have fooled me, he’s still an asshole. But I get what you’re saying, we’ve all grown up. I’m not the pushover I was before I left. I’m back for the summer and that’s it. I need to stay focused on my career and what’s important, so I can leave without any regrets.’ I’m fully aware it sounds like a speech I’ve rehearsed, but there’s no other way I can convince other people, and myself, that my feelings for Jake are gone.

  ‘Who are you trying to convince here? Me or yourself?’ For a guy that plays the cool card incredibly well, he’s always been intuitive with people, so there’s no fooling him. ‘Don’t forget where you came from. Your friends and family helped you get to where you are, so don’t forget that when you run off and leave us behind for another six years.’

  The sting of his last comment makes my eyes burn, but only because it’s true.

  ‘I won’t, but I have a life outside of New York now. I have a boyfriend and things are great. I’m finally happy and we’ve both moved on. I know he has a girlfriend...’ Looking down at the table I begin playing with a beer mat attempting to hide my face. I don’t trust myself to hide my true feelings about Jake having a girlfriend.

  Shaun’s too surprised to notice anything, ‘You know about Amanda?’

  ‘Sophie and Zoe let it slip the other day. I don’t get why it would need to be a secret?’

  ‘I’m sure he would have rather spoken to you about it himself.’

  ‘How would he do that, when it took less than ten minutes for us to be at each other’s throats? It’s not a big deal and I don’t care. Really. Plus, we’re barely gonna see each other, if at all.’

  Shaun looks skeptical, ‘Come on, who are you kidding? Brooklyn isn’t that big a place, especially when you’re trying to avoid someone as much as you are Jake.’

  I hate that he’s right and hate how it makes me feel torn inside. Instead of anger, which I should feel at the reality of bumping into Jake over the summer, all I feel is butterflies of anticipation. It’s too much to compute, especially when he looked like he did. My mind wanders back to how he towered over me in the club piercing me with those dark brown eyes, and how his once boyish figure has filled out with muscles covered in tattoos. I’m getting turned on in the middle of a job interview just thinking about him, and if I carry on blushing like I know I am, Shaun will know where my mind has wandered to.

  If he’s noticed my suddenly flushed appearance, he doesn’t point it out deciding to move away from the topic of Jake. ‘Anyway, are you free to start tomorrow night? It’ll be quiet, but better to get you started and familiar with the place as soon as we can.’

  ‘Sure, that sounds great. I don’t have any plans, apart from those two tagging along with me wherever I go.’ We both laugh, looking over at Sophie and Zoe, who judging by the empty glasses on the table have managed to make their way through at least three drinks and it’s not even 4pm. Perfect.

  Standing, Shaun beckons for me to join him, ‘I better make a move before it gets busy. Let’s aim for you to start at six tomorrow. Get here a bit earlier so you’re ready to start on time.’

  Leaning in playfully, with a smirk on my face, I say, ‘Yes, boss.’ To the outside world it might look like I’m flirting, but Shaun will know otherwise, which is why I push it further, knowing I can get away with it. ‘Whatever you need…’ I whisper this part in his ear as I stand close on my tiptoes.

  ‘Eghem….’

  Turning around quickly, five pairs of eyes stare back at us with a mixture of expressions. Sophie and Zoe are both bright red in the face as they try to hold in laughter at the irony of the situation. Sam and a guy I’ve not met look confused, and then there’s Jake, whose face would look unaffected by the scenario to most, but the storm brewing in his eyes says otherwise. He narrows them, glancing between us as though he’s trying to figure out what exactly was being interrupted.

  ‘So, what’s going on here?’ It’s Sam who asks the question everyone was most likely thinking.

  Under normal circumstances I’d be open about what was going on, however the look of disgust Jake is giving me, has me itching for a fight; especially when those piercing eyes are make feel like crap and I haven’t done anything wrong.

  I opt to reply in an overly sweet tone, fluttering my eyelashes to emphasize I’m joking. ‘I was just letting my boss know that I’m here at his beck and call for the summer.’ I shrug my shoulders and look away innocently.

  Zoe lets out her contained laugh before complaining that she’s thirsty and heading to the bar with a chuckling Sophie following closely behind. My eyes fall on Jake, but he doesn’t say anything or let any of his emotions show. Instead he gives his head a small shake and follows the girls with the other guy I have yet to be int
roduced to.

  ‘Abby, really? You don’t need to be such a bitch whenever he’s around,’ Sam complains. The reason for my little show hasn’t been lost on him.

  ‘I can do whatever I want,’ I snap back.

  ‘It’s not you I’m worried about.’ He doesn’t realize I’ve heard this bit, and it’s annoying hearing another offhand comment referring to Jake, when I’m not entirely sure why people keep making them.

  Seeing that we’re both becoming frustrated, Shaun steps in, ‘Guys there’s no need for this drama. Abby’s only just got back in town, try and have a good time?’ Whatever Sam has left to say, he chooses to hold back. Instead we join the rest of the group at the bar. I make sure I’m as far away from Jake as possible, choosing to introduce myself to the new guy in the group instead.

  I extend my arm, encouraging him to shake my hand, ‘Hey, I’m Abby.’

  He takes my extended hand, smiling as he replies, ‘Zach…’ He gives me a look. The sort of look you only give people you know well. It’s as if he already really knows me, but I’m not sure how that’s possible when we’ve never met. ‘It’s nice to finally meet you, Abby.’

  Giving him a confused look, I ask, ‘Finally?’ Rather than answering Zach shrugs and turns to order a drink. I hardly know the guy yet, so I don’t feel comfortable probing any further. Instead I make a mental note to chase it up later.

  Settling at a table when we all have our drinks, some of the tension lingering from earlier disappears as everyone chills out. I don’t doubt that this is mainly because Jake chose to stay at the bar with Zach. When the others appear to be preoccupied with conversation, I hiss in Sophie’s ear, ‘Who’s that other guy?’ And why does he claim to know me?’

  ‘It’s Jake’s best friend. They’ve been in the band together for a few years,’ she replies quietly, but not quietly enough as Zoe jumps in, finishing the explanation, ‘He’s so sexy.’

  ‘You think anything with a penis is sexy,’ laughs Sophie.

  ‘Are you calling me a slut?’

  ‘You call yourself a slut, all the time. You know I’m joking.’

  ‘Whatever…’ grumbles Zoe. Although she knows Sophie is only messing with her for a reaction, it seems to be affecting her more than it normally would. They continue bickering between themselves and I shut off. My eyes trail, involuntarily, to where Jake is stood at the bar. The tension he was carrying earlier seems to have gone, as he laughs at something Zach says.

  Just being in the same room with him is stirring up feelings I don’t want to acknowledge. It’s crazy that after six years of nothing between us, everything is coming back so quick and intense. But it was always this way with us, and the emotions after we broke up were like nothing I’d ever experienced before. First there was a long period of pining, where I would sit in my room crying for hours. Then there was the stage where I would attempt to use every social gathering as an opportunity to see him, in a last ditched attempt to change his mind. All of it was in vain of course because nothing changed. When we broke up, the Jake I knew disappeared overnight, leaving me questioning whether anything between us had been real, or a figment of my imagination. For at least a year I was a shell of myself, and I scared the hell out of my parents and friends. Finally, when it all got too much and the opportunity arose, I ran away and didn’t look back.

  It’s been dropped into conversations that he’s grown up and changed, but it feels like there’s more to the story and I’m missing a piece of the puzzle. I can’t help that everything still feels so raw, but what I can do is avoid creating unnecessary drama for the group. They appear to be even closer than in high school; something Sophie and Zoe have neglected to tell me.

  Shaun’s bar seems to be the group’s main hangout, and if I’m going to work here, I really need to get my shit together. Jake and I need to at least be amicable around each other and make life easier for everyone else. Tomorrow’s a new day and all that.

  ‘Right guys, I better get back to work,’ Shaun stands, bringing me out of my train of thought and back to reality. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow, new employee,’ he rubs my shoulder playfully, and winks before walking away. I glance over to the bar where Jake is still standing. A wave of anger flashes through his eyes as he watches Shaun rub my shoulder. It’s subtle and I wonder if anyone else will have noticed.

  ‘You’re playing with fire…’ Sam murmurs, eyes narrowed.

  I roll my own, ‘He’s a big boy. He needs to grow a pair.’

  ‘Let’s not do another round tonight. We never let this get between us before so why now?’ He has genuine concern on his face, but it doesn’t stop my need to fight my corner.

  ‘Jake was non-existent before and refused to be in the same room as me. That obviously won’t be the case now, as he keeps being very much existent.’

  ‘We’ll get through it. What time does the slave driver have you starting tomorrow? We could catch up over coffee before?’ The warm cheeky smile he flashes, wins me over, and my anger from the past few minutes’ fades.

  ‘No can do tomorrow, or the next few days. I have a lot on, but I can do Friday?’

  ‘Great, you’ve got my cell. Drop me a line later in the week and we’ll sort something.’

  ‘Perfect. Anyway, I better get going I have an early morning shoot and need my sleep unlike you party animals.’ Zoe and Sophie are clearly unhappy I’m leaving, but I never get wasted before work. It’s a rule I’ve stuck with all these years, and the reason I’ve done so well for myself. Some might call me boring, but I say professional. Eventually I manage to say goodbye and stand from the table offering everyone a small wave as I make to leave the bar quickly and avoid Jake and Zach.

  Keeping my head down as I pass through the door, I miss the look Jake gives me over his shoulder. The look that lasts a moment too long for someone who is meant to hate me.

  Eight

  6 years earlier

  Standing behind me, he’s so close I can feel every part of his body, even the rise and fall of his chest. Our moments alone are made of this, small intimate gestures, and whispers.

  ‘Relax, Abby,’ he murmurs into my ear. ‘Just swing, don’t over think it.’

  Turning slightly, I look up into his eyes, feeling like there’s more to what he’s saying.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Take the plunge and swing, what have you got to lose?’ Trusting what he’s saying, I forget about making an absolute idiot of myself, pulling back the hockey stick. With Jake’s arms still wrapped around me, guiding me, I swing. We watch as the puck flies through the air, sailing into the makeshift goal he made.

  If only I had the courage to take the plunge with him.

  ***

  Present Day

  Things seem to be drama free and I settle into a day to day routine, beginning to feel myself and adjusting back to New York life. Days go quickly; it’s what draws people in, making you never want to leave the hustle and bustle, the franticness of everyday life. I’m no exception.

  Already I’ve found myself becoming distant with Michael. Between juggling photography jobs I’ve picked up and my nights being filled working at Riffs, there’s been no time to snatch even a few minutes for a quick call. It’s the one thing he feared; that I’d come back to Brooklyn and forget about him. I guess his fears weren’t without reason. I haven’t forgotten that things were strained when we ended our conversation the night I first arrived and leaving it much longer to clear the air will only create a bigger void between us.

  Honestly? Space is what we need. Time to breathe, get my head straight and make sure we’re on the same page before we move on to the next chapter of our lives. I’m determined to make this summer a good thing and gain some clarity.

  It’s already Friday, which marks the end of my first week back home. Despite Fridays being busy, I’ve managed to bag a day shift rather than what are becoming my regular evening ones. As I’m working the rest of the weekend, the sting feels a little less having the night o
ff. It’s also my first night without any plans, and the rest is needed, although I’m not sure how long my night will remain free.

  Just as I clock out of my shift, Shaun walks over. ‘Hey, sexy lady, what’re you up to tonight?’

  ‘If you’re coming on to me, be prepared for the mob to arrive soon…’

  ‘You know I don’t mix work and pleasure,’ I’m victim to another of his winks and I realize it’s his signature move. Shaun is a winker. I chuckle to myself and he stares at me like I’m losing it.

  ‘You mean you don’t mix the help with pleasure. I’m pretty sure taking home customers is still classed as work.’ It’s not unknown that he regularly takes women from the bar to his apartment upstairs. Really, who would blame him when women throw themselves at him so openly?

  ‘Touché. Can’t get much past you, can we now?’

  ‘What can I say? I have a player radar that never fails.’ It’s a shame the same can’t be said for recognizing when a guy is about to break your heart into a million pieces.

  ‘Anyway, back to what we were saying before you decided to start calling me out on my promiscuous ways. What are you doing tonight?’

  ‘Hoping to get some chill time, but I doubt Zoe will let that happen.’

  ‘Good, she shouldn’t. I know the last thing you want to do is be in work on your night off, but we have a big band playing tonight, they’re great. I thought you could drop by as everyone will be here, and we can properly celebrate you being home.’ Giving me puppy dog eyes, I can see how eager he is for me to say yes, but alarm bells are ringing in my head. This isn’t a good idea if the whole group is going to be there, that also means Jake.

  Despite the internal battle I’m having, I find myself reluctantly saying yes to Shaun’s invite, and as I leave work, there’s a heavy feeling in my stomach knowing I’ve committed myself to a night full of potential drama.

  ***