Always You

by Lizzie Morton

  Instead what I get is a bitter, cold voice which I don’t recognize. ‘You’re not who I thought you were. You’re just a cold hearted, using bitch.’ The line goes dead. My heart knows that’s the last time I’ll hear from Michael.

  ***

  Around four hours later, after multiple cocktails, we’re dancing carelessly around the annual Brooklyn music festival. It was Sophie and Zoe’s solution to cheering me up, after the disaster that was my final conversation with Michael. Their answer to everything is always alcohol and music; for once I don’t disagree. My spirits have lifted as the afternoons gone on. I’ll admit, finally clearing things up between us has made it feel like a weight’s been lifted off my shoulders. At least it’s one part of my life where there isn’t any uncertainty anymore.

  As we dance around, lost in the music, the sun starts to set in the sky and I feel euphoric, like I could do this forever. We’re drawing attention from a lot of guys, a standard reaction when the three of us are out together like this, but as always, we stay in our own little bubble.

  ‘Shaun and Sam are coming,’ Sophie shouts over the music. ‘They should be here soon.’

  ‘Yaaaay!’ I slur, throwing my hands above my head and spinning around. ‘My two favorite guys.’ Maybe I’m heading towards being a little wasted.

  Sophie giggles, ‘If you had to screw one which would it be?’

  ‘Shaun!’ Shouts Zoe. Under normal circumstances I’d pick up on how quick and strong her reaction is, but I’ve drank too much to focus properly.

  ‘Sam is pretty hot,’ I slur back.

  ‘You’re not too bad yourself missy,’ a deep voice chuckles into my ear, pulling me in towards them. I should be embarrassed at being caught out in my honesty, but I’m too far gone. Tomorrow might be a different story.

  ‘Sammmmmyyyy!’ I sing. swinging myself around and nuzzling at his neck. God, he smells good. Does he always smell this good?

  ‘Down, girl,’ he laughs, gently pushing me away. ‘As much as I’m loving the attention, the person who really wants you is here, and he looks like he’s about to come over and rip my balls off.’

  His words take a moment to register, as everything in my mind is rapidly becoming a fuzzy mess. When they do, I instantly see red. Turning my body away from Sam, I narrow my eyes at who I assume is Jake, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult to focus on anything. ‘What are you doing here?’ I snap, swaying slightly and struggling to stay upright.

  ‘Nice to see you too, snarky pants.’ It’s definitely Jake, I’d know his voice anywhere.

  ‘Please leave. No one wants you here.’

  ‘I’m not here to get in an argument. I wanted to tell you something but seeing as you’re wasted, I guess it’s not a good time.’ If I could see his face clearly, I’d bet money on him frowning at the state I’m in.

  ‘Anything you want to say, you can say right now, in front of our friends.’ He steps forward, pulling me towards him. I sway, struggling to keep my balance. I find myself placing my hands on his firm chest to steady myself.

  ‘No, I can’t actually. What I have to say is for your ears only.’ He whispers so only I can hear and despite feeling like I’m losing complete control over every part of my body, he still manages to make me feel like I’m on fire. His proximity is overwhelming, and I push away, stumbling back into Shaun.

  ‘Woah, buddy. I think you’ve had way too much to drink. We need to get you home.’

  ‘I’m fine, really. I just need to lie down.’ Even though we’re in a crowd of thousands of people, I fall to the ground, curling into a ball and closing my eyes. I feel like I’m having an out of body experience and it doesn’t just feel like I’m wasted anymore, something seriously doesn’t feel right. I don’t fall asleep, but I’m incapable of moving my eyes or any part of my body. I will myself to get up, move around, hyperaware of how wrong this all is. It’s like my mind and body are two separate beings and it’s scary as hell.

  ‘Fuck! How much did you guys drink?’ I hear Jake shout at Sophie and Zoe. I can only imagine how angry he looks right now.

  ‘We had a few cocktails and were tipsy. You all know Abby can drink us under the table though, and that was hours ago.’ It’s Zoe speaking now, and she sounds desperate, like I’ve never heard her before. I must look bad.

  ‘Wait…’ It’s Sophie speaking this time, and she sounds as concerned as the rest of the group. ‘There were some guys that bought us drinks about half an hour ago.’

  ‘God damnit!’ Jake shouts again. ‘How many times do we have to tell you to stop taking drinks off guys? This is why. How long did it have to be until your fucking blasé attitude caught up with you and you had a near miss? Now look at Abby. What would you do if we weren’t here?’

  Zoe whimpers and I picture how scared she must look and how guilty she must feel. I want to shout at Jake that it’s not her fault. That I willingly took the drinks, knowing what the risks were, but I’m incapable of doing anything.

  ‘Look at the state of her.’ Jake continues. He’s so angry and in no way ready to slow down his relentless telling off for our reckless behavior. ‘She’s like a rag doll. Anybody could do whatever they want to her. Do you get it now?’

  ‘Come on, man,’ intervenes Sam. ‘This isn’t helping things right now. We need to get Abby out of here and seen to quick. Do you need help moving her?’

  ‘No, I got it.’ Jake’s voice snaps somewhere in the distance, and then a giant set of arms lift me in the air, pulling me up against a firm, warm chest. It feels like I’m floating, and it feels like heaven. Then everything goes black.

  Twenty-Eight

  I feel hot, really hot. It takes a while for me to figure out why and then I understand it’s the sun glaring on my face. My head is pounding. No, that’s an understatement. I feel like I’ve been hit by a freight train. I don’t have a clue where I am or how I got here. It hurts too much to even try and open my eyes.

  Wherever I am, the bed feels like a big fluffy cloud and I want to stay here forever. Alarm bells start to ring as it registers this can’t be my bed. My bed at my parents’ house is firm. Where the hell am I?

  The last thing I remember was Zoe handing me a drink which a group of guys we don’t know gave her, at the festival. Everything after that’s a blur. Dread creeps in. I’ve totally screwed up. I really don’t want to open my eyes and find out how badly.

  Finally, I dare to open them slowly, looking around the strange, unknown room that I’m in. It’s quite a modern room that has a lofty feel, with its exposed brick walls. It’s clean. Doesn’t seem like the den of a serial killer. Then I notice a guitar in the corner, praying it means what I think it does.

  ‘Morning, sleepy head.’ I startle, looking over at Jake, who is sat in a snuggle chair by the window, on the opposite side of the room.

  My throat feels raw as I croak out, ‘What happened?’

  Standing up, he walks over, settling down beside me on the bed. He brushes some hair out of my eyes and trails his hand down my clammy face, finally resting it at the crease of my neck, squeezing my shoulder gently; reassuringly.

  ‘Shhh. Don’t talk, just listen. You need to save your energy.’ I nod, waiting for him to continue.

  ‘Your drink was spiked.’ Terror washes over me and I’m afraid to hear what he has to say next. I don’t want to find out the potentially awful things that may have happened. He must see my eyes widen in horror, as he begins stroking my hair soothingly to calm me down. ‘Don’t worry, nothing happened to you. I’m assuming that me and the guys arrived just in time. The guys who gave you the drinks must have left when they saw us. When we realized what had happened to you, we tried to find them, but we couldn’t.’ He growls the last part, and visibly becomes angry as his jaw clenches.

  I grab the hand that isn’t stroking my hair, squeezing it with the little strength I have, to remind him that I’m here and fine. It seems to work as he calms and continues talking.

  ‘When we realized som
ething was really wrong, we took you to the hospital and they did tests to check you were ok and find out what was in your system. They discharged you when they were happy with your vitals, but we found out that your parents were in the Hamptons, and we couldn’t get into your house. The girls wanted to take you, but I didn’t really trust them after this. Sam and Shaun were needed at the bar, so I brought you here. Plus, I didn’t want to let you out of my sight…’

  He looks down and swallows. I can see tears in his eyes. I can see how much this has affected him. ‘Abby, if anything had happened to you…if I hadn’t got there in time…’

  My eyes begin welling with tears too and finally I find the courage to ask, ‘How long have I been here?’

  ‘Four days.’ I gasp at how much time I’ve lost and how dangerous the situation I’d been in was. ‘The doctors said, whatever it was that they gave you was the strongest around. You were lucky we got to you when we did. Before they could do whatever they intended using something so strong. I don’t want to scare you, Abby, but I need to. What the fuck were you thinking taking drinks off people you don’t know?’

  It hurts how angry and frustrated he is, but what hurts more is how disappointed he looks in me. Right now, there isn’t much I can do or say to change that, it will just take time. ‘Jake, I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.’

  I finally let the tears that have been building fall and before I know it Jake’s arms are wrapped around me tightly, as I sob and whimper into his chest.

  If my head wasn’t screwed before, it certainly is now.

  Twenty-Nine

  Since the incident at the festival, I haven’t been capable of much. Mom and Dad have stuck to my side like glue, both taking time off work so they can keep an eye on me. I tried to tell them I’d be fine, but they were having none of it. I know they feel guilty that they weren’t here for me when it happened. Stuck in the Hamptons and unable to cancel, they left everything to Jake until I was ready to come home. It irked them – relying so heavily on him. It still does.

  Since then, I’ve been subject to hundreds of lectures about how they expect more of me, that I should be more responsible, that I was lucky Jake and the guys were there to help me. Things I know already, but with the guilt consuming me, I sit back and take each and every one, which always finishes with them telling me they love me and are just happy to have me home safe.

  Being out cold for almost five days, the stress on my system and lack of nutrition is obvious. I look like a shadow of myself. My cheeks are sunken, I have dark circles under my eyes and even my hair is brittle, compared to its normal full and glossy self. Whatever those guys gave me, has wreaked havoc on my system and it’s going to take a long time for my body to recover.

  Exhaustion doesn’t even begin to cover how I’m feeling. I’ve had messages from Shaun and Sam telling me not to worry about my shifts at the bar, that I can take as long as I need. Zoe and Sophie just keep ringing and crying.

  But I’m not ready to see anyone yet. What nobody knows about, apart from Jake, who witnessed them during my unconscious days, are the nightmares. The insecurities that have crept into my mind, imagining what could have happened. No one can take away that feeling of helplessness. The memory of feeling and hearing the world around you, but not being able to do anything. It was like being dead, but alive. I’m not ready to speak to anyone about it yet. I won’t admit out loud the reason my recovery is taking so long and I’m still so ill is because I never fully rest. I lay awake at night, terrified to go to sleep and terrified where my mind will wander.

  I just need time.

  ***

  It’s been almost two weeks since the festival. I’ve avoided everyone like the plague. They get it, as I asked Jake to let them know I needed time and space, and I would get in touch when I was ready. But now, as time is passing by, I’m becoming restless and major cabin fever is creeping in. Nothing is helping to settle my mind.

  Glancing out the window from my bed, where I’ve been sat watching some random Netflix boxset on my laptop, I notice the weather outside looks stormy and unsettled. One of my favorite things to do when I’m feeling out of sorts is to run in the rain. There’s something calming about the feeling of the water on your skin; nature feeling raw and close, like your emotions.

  Deciding it’s exactly what I need to clear my head, I throw on my running gear and trainers, pulling my hair back into a ponytail. Luckily, Mom and Dad chose today to finally go back to work, so I have no one to answer to. I know they’d put up a huge protest at me going out on my own, so soon after what happened.

  I put my headphones in and quickly leave the house. Setting a rock playlist going, my feet instinctively hit the pavement in a rhythm. I’ve no idea where I’m going, all I know is I want to run; run until I’m too tired to think anymore.

  I sprint along the sidewalks and make my way over Brooklyn Bridge, feeling euphoric from the running high I haven’t felt in a long time. The further I go the harder my body wants to push. I’ve never run this far ever, but I don’t care. I make my way into Manhattan; I push even harder.

  At some point the weather worsens and the rain starts pounding against the roads, drenching me to the bone. As it’s still the height of summer, it’s red hot so the water is refreshing and a welcome relief.

  I eventually find myself at Central Park. I must have been running for a couple of hours, but it feels like I’ve only been going a few minutes. Slowing my pace, I meander round the park, relishing in how quiet and peaceful it is, despite it being the middle of the afternoon at the busiest time of year. When I reach the one place I always come to when I need to think, I sit on the ground to rest, looking up at the statue of Peter Pan, the boy who never grew up. Wouldn’t it be great to be a child without any worries or huge decisions to make?

  Without thinking, my fingers send a message from my cell to Jake. [I need you. At my favorite place.]

  I don’t overthink, I just do. And then wait.

  It was never really a question of if he would come. Deep down I knew he would. So, it doesn’t come as a surprise, when a while later, I hear his voice in the distance, shouting my name. I don’t turn even though I hear him. I’m not ready to see him yet. The fact he still knows where I would be after all this time sends fireworks through my body.

  He stalks over, yanking me up from the ground and pressing his body into mine, wrapping his arms tightly around me. ‘What the hell are you doing? You’re going to make yourself even sicker.’ I don’t get a chance to answer as he grabs my hand, dragging me away. Before long I find myself in the passenger seat of his car.

  The heat our bodies are giving out, against the cool of the rain, makes the windows steam, but Jake doesn’t do anything to rectify it. He’s in no rush to go anywhere and instead it acts as a barrier between us and the rest of the world. I turn towards him with my breath coming in little pants. I’m not sure whether it’s from the rush to his car, or just being so close and alone with him.

  Finally, I manage to find my voice, ‘Thanks for coming to get me. How did you know where I was?’

  He doesn’t humor me, just says, ‘Like you really need to ask that.’

  We sit in silence for a while, simply staring at the front window of the car. The tension building is unbearable and eventually I can’t stand it anymore, I have to break it. ‘Michael and I broke up. Officially. That’s why I was so irresponsible the night of the festival. I know it’s not an excuse, but I was just feeling…. I don’t know, like I needed to be free. I needed to let go of everything and I guess I let a bit too much of my reasoning go.’

  ‘Zoe and Sophie told me when we were at the hospital,’ he responds bluntly, still looking at the windscreen.

  ‘I’m so sorry I put you through that.’ I mean it and put everything I can into those words, wishing he could feel it.

  ‘It’s ok. I was angrier it happened to you, than I was actually at you.’

  ‘Really? Thank you though. For everything. I don�
�t know what would have happened if you hadn’t been there. Then for everything you did afterwards.’

  It comes out of nowhere. Suddenly he’s cupping my face with both hands, forcing me to face him, as he rubs my skin gently with his thumbs. ‘I broke up with Amanda the week after 4th July. That’s why I was so distant and that’s what I wanted to tell you the night I invited you to see the band, but you had other things you wanted to talk about. I haven’t had a chance since to tell you.’ He trails off, searching my eyes with his, for something, anything. There’s nothing more to say. Every reason we had, to fight what’s between us is gone. So, I don’t.

  Instead, I climb over the central control of his car, straddling his lap with my thighs. He looks taken aback, but soon recovers, grabbing hold of my thighs and rubbing his hands up and down them. Tilting his head back against the headrest he lets out a deep sigh, what seems like one of relief.

  The sight of him looking so content makes me needy and I lick my lips in anticipation. Not wanting to wait for him to start something, I begin peppering kisses along his neck. Small kisses soon turn into more as I suck down, biting gently and beginning to lose control.

  Jake groans in response and his hips buck up into mine. I can feel how turned on he is and pull back for a second, finding myself looking into those beautiful brown eyes. His hands tangle into my hair, and he pulls my face towards his. After what feels like an eternity our lips come crashing together.

  The first couple of kisses are clumsy and needy, our want for each other overwhelming everything. But when he slides his tongue into my mouth, I’m in heaven and my heart pounds in my chest like it did six years ago, only for him. All I can focus on right now is being with Jake and feeling everything we’ve denied ourselves all this time.

  For those few minutes that I’m in his car and sheltered from reality, while the rain hammers down, I lose myself in Jake and his kisses; nothing else matters, for now.