Always You

by Lizzie Morton

***

  After our hot and heavy make-out session, Jake dropped me home. It’s much later than I originally intended to be out, and I can see my parents are back, meaning I’m in for the third degree. They won’t be happy I’ve left the house without letting them know where I was going, or that I was running so soon after being ill.

  I brace myself for the onslaught as I walk through the front door, but as I move through the house all I get is silence. I know they’re in, as the lights are on. Eventually, I find them sat at the kitchen table waiting quietly, with a glass of wine each.

  ‘Nice of you to let us know where you were.’ Mom says sternly shaking her head.

  ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t think-’

  ‘That we would worry, when you’re still recovering, after being plied with a date rape drug that could have killed you?’ I watch as she clenches and unclenches the wine glass. I’m surprised it doesn’t shatter in her hand with the strength she’s using to grip it.

  ‘I just needed to get out.’ I hope they understand, but they’re not going to let me get away lightly.

  ‘That doesn’t justify not letting us know where you were. What were you thinking running so far when you’ve only just started to recover? Do you understand at all, how hard those drugs hit your system? Running so far could have dehydrated you beyond repair. You could have done yourself even more serious damage.’

  ‘I know. I don’t think I need to apolo… wait how did you know how far I ran?’ It clicks that I haven’t told them anything, so how did they know where I went?

  ‘Jake rang your father.’ I look to him and he nods his confirmation, staying silent. His disappointment in me is evident.

  ‘Of course. So, Jake is suddenly the favorite? Can I just remind you both that a few weeks ago you were warning me off him?’ It’s unreasonable of me to get angry, when I was the one in the wrong, but I hate double standards.

  ‘Calm down, Abby. All I’m saying is it’s funny Jake managed to call and let us know you were safe, when you, our own daughter, neglected to do so.’ She raises her glass and takes a large swig of wine.

  ‘I forgot, ok. When are you guys going to give me some breathing space? I’m ok. I was lucky, nothing happened and I’m fine.’ It feels like days of frustration from being mollycoddled by them are pouring out, but they need to hear it. What happened doesn’t change that I’m an adult and capable of living my own life and making my own decisions. I continue, ‘I need to start living my life again, which I can’t do if you guys are constantly breathing down my neck. I never had to tell you where I was before, so why should I now?’

  ‘I think you owe us a bit more respect than that, Abigail,’ Dad finally speaks up. ‘We get a call late at night, informing us you’re in the hospital, have been drugged, and we’re suddenly meant to bounce back to normal? Be happy and pretend like nothing happened? We’re your parents, we worry, that’s how it works.’

  It’s been years since we’ve had an argument like this, and it doesn’t feel great.

  ‘I know. Do you think I don’t get it?’ A wave of emotion comes over me and my shoulders start to shake uncontrollably. Before I know what’s happening, I’m collapsed on the floor sobbing.

  I haven’t cried since the morning I woke up in Jake’s bed, which is probably a bad thing. Really, I’ve pushed everything to the back of my mind. Today I tried to run away from the feelings that were starting to surface but look where that’s got me. Here with my parents, consumed by the raw emotions of what happened. What could have happened. Luckily, they’re the only people in the world, besides Jake and the girls, who I would let see me like this. They instantly rush from their seats, both collapsing down beside me.

  For what seems like hours, we all sit there on the floor, my parents holding me as I let everything out. I don’t think I’m just crying over what happened at the festival. I’m crying from the emotions of returning to Brooklyn, splitting up with Michael, being around Jake and my friends again. I’m crying over the choices I’m still not ready to make.

  Thirty

  It takes a couple of days after my breakdown for my parents to come around to the idea of me going back to work at Riffs. Eventually they give in when they realize how crazy it’s driving me, being at home alone all day.

  It’s been over a week since I’ve spoken to anyone and walking into the bar, I feel anxious, not knowing what everyone’s reaction will be. I’m certain Sophie and Zoe will be there waiting for me; it wouldn’t be them if they weren’t. They know this is the one place I can’t avoid them or screen their calls.

  I step through the door and two pairs of arms instantly fly around me. I feel like I’m being suffocated by my two best friends.

  ‘Guys, I can’t breathe,’ I barely manage to say.

  ‘Good. You deserve it after scaring the shit out of us like that,’ says Zoe.

  ‘Please don’t ever ignore us for that long again,’ Sophie looks at me sadly. ‘We seriously thought you hated us and were never going to talk to us again after what happened.’ They both have tears in their eyes, and I take a deep breath, sighing on release. I’m not going to be able to avoid this conversation.

  ‘I don’t hate you. And I sure as hell don’t blame you. You weren’t the ones that put that stuff in my drink. You also weren’t the ones that put that drink in my mouth. I had a choice and I made a bad one, one that I won’t make again. I’m sorry if I scared you and I’m sorry for ignoring you. I was feeling pretty ashamed and needed some time to get my head around what happened.’ It feels good to let them know how I’ve been feeling.

  ‘We understand,’ they both say at the same time, nodding their heads in acceptance of my words.

  Smiling I say, ‘How about we make a pact?’ They raise their eyebrows, in anticipation. ‘A pact to be more sensible and not put ourselves in compromising situations like that again. What do you say?’

  ‘Definitely.’ Sophie responds immediately.

  Zoe looks down, her face broken with regret. ‘I never understood why you guys were always getting on my case for getting wasted. I never really understood why it was such a big deal. Seeing you like that, Abby, so helpless…I get it now. Anything could have happened, especially if Jake hadn’t been there and acted so quickly. I promise, no more getting trashed with random guys.’

  ‘Good.’ Relieved, I shepherd the girls to a private table and give them another smile, one that says the conversation is done. It’s time to move on. ‘So, besides all that drama, catch me up to speed?

  ‘There’s not much to catch up on. We’ve all been pretty quiet since what happened. You scared us all into being boring,’ Zoe laughs, fumbling with her hands. I can tell she’s still nervous and scared I’m going to blame her in some way for what happened.

  ‘Well then, maybe I need to catch you guys up to speed.’ I spend the next ten minutes briefly telling them how Jake looked after me while I was out cold. They both sing his praises, commenting on how much he’s changed. Part of me wants to keep what happened with Jake and I outside the park a secret. But I know that’s the last thing my friends would do and it’s unfair to hold the details back from them.

  ‘…there was a slight turn in events.’

  ‘Like a Jake related turn in events?’ Zoe questions with a smile.

  ‘Yes. Did you guys know he and Amanda broke up?’

  ‘He told us at the hospital when we were waiting for news from the doctor. He was tearing his hair out at the fact he might never get the chance to tell you.’ As Zoe speaks Sophie nods, confirming her story.

  ‘We kissed…’

  ‘Took you long enough,’ Zoe sits smirking. ‘Now all you have to do is fuck and maybe you won’t be so uptight all the time.’ Normally I’d bite back, but I love that she’s being normal with me again, so I don’t.

  Sophie laughs and then asks, ‘How was it?’

  ‘Familiar…’

  ‘How was it really?’

  ‘Life changing. If my head wasn’t screwed before over
what to do, it is now.’

  ‘Will you stay?’ Sophie looks with hopeful eyes. I don’t have it in me to give her an outright no, because I’m not really sure of the answer.

  ‘I don’t know. It seems silly to throw everything I’ve worked so hard for just for one kiss. We’ve not even spoken since. It could have just been a one off?’

  ‘No way,’ interrupts Zoe. ‘That guy is completely in love with you and has been since we were seventeen. When are you going to get that into your head?’

  ‘I still don’t get why we broke up in the first place though. Why all those wasted years if he’s always felt the same about me?’

  ‘Maybe there are some things you just don’t need to know. Can you not just accept that despite what’s happened, after all these years, Jake is still here and still in love with you?’ Sophie’s the romantic out of us all, so it’s typical she would answer with this.

  ‘I’m not sure.’ They’re both frustrated at my answer. To them it seems like I’m being irrational. I have suffered six years of heartache with no real reason why. I’m not sure I can just forget all that because of one kiss. Jake didn’t just break my heart, he obliterated it. When we kissed, it was the first time it felt like it could start beating for someone again. I could let him in, let him mend the wounds he made, but if I did and he walked away…. there would be no coming back from that. If he broke my heart again, it would be unfixable.

  ***

  6 years earlier

  It’s been five days since I’ve heard from him. Five days since his mom kicked me out of the house. It’s the longest time we’ve spent without speaking in the whole time we’ve known each other. To say it hurts is an understatement.

  I don’t need much, just to know he’s safe and okay. Sometimes my mind goes on a rollercoaster, wondering where he is, if something has happened to him. Anything to explain the silence. Deep down I know that isn’t the explanation for why he hasn’t contacted me. If something had happened to him, someone in our group would know for sure and would have told me.

  Instead I have radio silence, and it hurts like hell. Nothing can dull the ache in my chest, or the churning feeling in my gut that something isn’t right, that something bad is about to happen. As if he’s reading my mind, my cell lights up on my desk, next to the homework I’ve been attempting for the past four hours.

  I take deep breaths in and out, looking at his name on the screen. A feeling of dread crawls over my skin, making it break out in goosebumps. Every part of me screams not to open the message, shouts that ignorance is bliss and to give myself a few more hours pretending everything is fine. But I know I can’t do that. I need to know what’s wrong.

  With every ounce of strength, I have, I click open the message on my cell.

  Jake [We need to talk]

  Me [Ok]

  Jake [I’m outside]

  I hate how readily available I am for him. For all I know these past five days he’s been running around with whoever the hell he likes. Doing things we haven’t done, while I’ve been here moping and waiting for him.

  Even though I want to message back that I’m unavailable, make him think I’m busy without him, I can’t because I need to know what the hell is going on. So instead, I walk down the stairs slowly, feeling slightly numb. It’s a little bit like that feeling when your parents tell you that they have bad news, everything goes into slow motion.

  I feel slightly hopeful that at least I’m finally going to get some answers, instead of constantly wondering what the hell is going on. As I walk out the door, he’s stood at the bottom of the steps that lead up to my house. He looks up as he hears the door click shut behind me, with a sad expression on his face. It’s then that I know this isn’t going to be good.

  Walking down slowly, the only thing that could make this situation worse would be for me to fall on my ass. I watch him shove his hands into his jean pockets, looking down at the ground and kicking it angrily.

  I somehow find my voice and I’m the one to break the awkward silence. ‘So…’

  ‘Sorry I’ve not been in touch. Things have been difficult since the other night. It’s taken some time to get things straight.’ His tone is off, and his voice doesn’t sound the same, but I try not to focus on it.

  ‘Right.’ I nod as if I know what the hell he’s talking about, but really, I have no clue where this conversation is going. All I can feel is that little knot of dread in my gut.

  ‘I don’t really want to drag this out any longer than I have to. So, I guess I’ll just say what I came here to say.’

  I’ve not been able to meet his eyes since I came out the door, but I look up now, hoping that if I catch his eye for even a second, I’ll be able to change his mind. Change what deep down, I know is about to come out of his mouth.

  He won’t look at me. Instead he looks over my shoulder, distant. As he speaks his voice becomes arrogant and cold. ‘I can’t do this anymore, Abby. I’m sorry, it’s just not gonna work out. I’m ending whatever this is.’

  Tears burn at my eyes, and I will them not to fall, not to shed the last bit of dignity I have. I don’t want him to see how much I care, how much I love him, when everything he said was clearly a lie. ‘Was it me? Did I do something wrong?’ I ask with a shaky voice.

  I don’t expect the answer I get and the harshness of it shatters my heart into a thousand pieces. ‘Nah you didn’t do anything. I guess you’re just not The One for me. I met someone else and we’ve been seeing each other these past few days. She’s given me things you wouldn’t, you know what I mean. So yeah, that’s it, I’d better get going, I have practice with the guys. Thanks, Abby, it’s been fun.’

  He doesn’t say anything else, doesn’t touch me, doesn’t even look at me. All he does is walk away without a backward glance. I watch the guy I gave my heart to, the one that knew all my innermost thoughts and fears, the one who I was willing to give every part of me to, walk away to another girl. All because she could give him what he wanted faster, carefree and without any strings attached.

  My chest begins to tighten and I’m struggling to catch my breath, as the reality of everything he said sets in. Crumbling down onto the steps, I sit there for what feels like hours, silently crying and shaking, watching where Jake walked away. But it wasn’t Jake who came today, it was a cold stranger that spoke to me and discarded my heart so easily.

  It’s dark and freezing when my mom comes rushing out, down the steps, frantically asking what’s wrong and shouting that I’m going to make myself sick. If I thought I’d broken before, I was wrong, because then I really do. Every emotion I’ve held in comes pouring out as I sob in her arms. I don’t know how to make it stop.

  She says that everything will be alright, and it will get better.

  But I don’t know if it will, because Jake has broken my heart, ripped it out and shattered it into tiny pieces. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to put it back together again.

  Thirty-One

  My first shift back at the bar is hard going, even though I know Shaun has gotten extra staff in to break me back in steadily. After the long run I took a few days ago, my body feels broken and the exertion of being on my feet again for so long is hard. The toll the drugs have taken on my body is hard to accept. It’s difficult to get my head around how something so small, could have the lasting effect it has and do the damage it’s done.

  Even though it’s tiring, it’s nice to be around my friends again and I regret avoiding them for so long. Once the initial awkwardness is out of the way and they’re reassured that I’m not a complete wreck, they began to treat me like normal. That normality and positivity is what I need to bring me back around. I want to get on with my life, my lesson has been learnt.

  Shaun and Sam spend most of the shift cracking jokes and staying close by my side. I keep telling them I’m fine and they don’t need to watch over me like I might break, but they refuse to budge. My shift is close to ending and I’m relieved when Shaun gives me a break from th
e front of house, giving me the task of restocking the bar before it gets busy.

  I’m struggling to reach some of the stock on a higher shelf, huffing and puffing unattractively, when a voice from behind me asks, ‘Need a hand?’

  I instantly recognize Jake’s voice, but it doesn’t change the fact he’s scared the shit out of me, sneaking into the stock room without making his presence known. Before my body has a chance to catch up with my brain, I instinctively flip around, elbowing him hard in the gut. Bending over in agony, he spends the next few minutes coughing and spluttering.

  ‘Oh my god! Jake, are you ok?’ He offers a pained grunt in response, unable to speak, so I wait a few minutes for him to finally catch his breath back.

  ‘Thanks for that,’ he finally mumbles, trying to stand up straight, but wincing in pain.

  ‘Well, seriously. What on earth? Who sneaks up like that on someone, alone in a storeroom? What did you expect?’

  ‘I thought you heard me come in.’ He says sheepishly, realizing his error.

  ‘Obviously not, or I would have turned around and at least said hi. You know, like most normal people do.’ Placing my hands on my hips, I throw him a stern look, there’s no way I’m backing down. Hell, he’s lucky I didn’t have the pepper spray Dad gave me to hand.

  ‘Now that we’ve cleared up that you can look after yourself, do you need a hand?’

  ‘I could do,’ I smile sweetly. Really, I’m exhausted and if I can get out of doing this last task by batting my eyelashes a little then I will.

  Looking up at the shelves above me, he asks, ‘Which ones do you need down?’

  I begin pointing to the different beers I need off the shelves, telling him exactly how many to put in the crate I’ve set on the floor. I wind up taking full advantage by getting him to help with the rest of the stock, despite it being within easy reach. I hope he hasn’t noticed that he’s doing my job for me, as I sit on the floor, admiring his muscles flexing beneath his t-shirt, each time he reaches for handfuls of bottles.