Heart's Desire

by Sorcha MacMurrough

  Sinead felt ill. How could he be so unmoved by what had happened? Was it his fault? Was only casual relationships his thing, so that what he was doing was nothing more than just a bit of fun?

  Or was it her fault? Was it just that she was so thin, plain, and unattractive, that he was just testing her response to him. Or worse still, comparing her to Margaret?

  They returned in silence.

  She hovered outside the door but Austin insisted, "Come on, take your coat off."

  She felt ashamed to face him in the light, and the fact that her shirt and cardigan were hanging open made matters worse.

  He glanced away from her curves, and tried to focus his attention on his watch. "Ten minutes until the film starts, so go up and change, and I'll put on some cocoa, and some popcorn."

  Sinead tried to make some excuse about being too tired.

  Austin said softly, "Nonsense. You've already said it's your favorite film. You can't miss it, and you wouldn't be so unkind as to make me watch it all by myself. Go now, and hurry back."

  Chapter Fourteen

  In the safety and security of her own room, Sinead sat in the rocker in her damp, disheveled clothes, and held her head in her hands. The she looked around like a caged tiger, seeking any means of escape. She couldn't face Austin. She couldn't handle this. She had been reduced to a quivering bundle of passions with just one kiss, and she was terrified.

  Why had he kissed her? Had he seen the desire glowing in her eyes, and felt sorry for her? Or was it just the incredible romance of a starry winter's night in the woods?

  Sinead angrily wiped away a few tears as she looked around the gorgeous room in despair. God, once she would have given anything for this to have happened. For the fairy tale of the handsome prince in the magnificent castle to kiss her and carry her off into a land of passion. How quickly a dream could turn into a nightmare, she thought bitterly. Just like last year, when she had gone down to Dubai to live happily after with Luke, only to find him living with someone else.

  That someone was now the woman in Austin's life. Sinead was just being used as a convenient temporary solace.

  But escape would cause even more trouble than her uninhibited response to his lovemaking. How could she go back to Castlemaine General and face Dr. Jameson? Or Dr. Maguire? Or Mike? He wouldn't be slow to put the cause down to a pass at his attractive sister-in-law. That might make things even worse than they already were at the hospital.

  And Maeve, and the baby? The money was the least she could give her sister and Mike after all they had given her.

  A soft knock at the door interrupted Sinead's mental debate. She heard Austin call, "Hurry! It's almost on."

  Her voice sounded strained as she promised she'd be down in a moment. After a few minutes more, Sinead finally concluded that she could do nothing that night without causing a huge scene. Besides, all the snow had made the roads treacherous, especially in the dark.

  No, she would try to keep the peace, so that Austin would have no reason to complain about her to Dr. Jameson. Then she could always pack up in the next couple of days with some sort of excuse, such as Maeve's pregnancy.

  Hastily Sinead stripped off her sodden clothes and hung them on the radiator in the boudoir to dry. She pulled on an attractive but warm sweatshirt and matching bottoms, and thrust her feet into her fluffy white sheep slippers. Very unsexy, but then that was the whole point now. Grimly she hoped that he would get the hint, and leave her alone.

  Sinead entered the room on the right of the stairs, and was astonished at the beauty of it. There was an enormous stone fireplace on one wall, and a huge window on the other. The furniture was all exquisite walnut. There was a cabinet unit which housed the entertainment center, and a beautiful matching suite with three enormous settees and several comfortable arm chairs.

  But the most remarkable thing about the room was the stream running through it. The room started off higher on the left, and she could see the stream under the house cascading downwards through the middle of the room through some clear lucite fitted into the wooden floor.

  "It's just like the pictures of Frank Lloyd Wright's house in America," Sinead marvelled.

  "So you know about Falling Water, do you?"

  "I've seen photos of it in magazines. It looks like a remarkable house."

  "I wanted to emulate it, but of course wooden houses are a bit damp for Ireland, so I made it all stone. As I said, the setting seemed perfect. I went to see the house for myself in the States, and it was like a dream come true. Of course, my taste in furnishings is slightly more ornate, but I think I've captured the essence of warmth, beauty and country living."

  "You certainly have."

  "I'm glad you like it, my dear. Not everyone has our exquisite taste. The stream also runs through the dining room, and into the pool house. I can use it to fill the pool by adjusting a few valves."

  "There's a pool?" Sinead asked, surprised.

  "I'm afraid I'm rather lazy about exercise, but I love to swim. Most of the year an outdoor pool is useless here in Ireland, so my one luxury in life is an indoor heated pool. I couldn't resist having one, especially with the stream so convenient. I must confess I haven't bothered with it at all recently. I've just been too busy at the hospital."

  Sinead was impressed with the way Austin had ordered his life, but wondered if that was a sign of loneliness, just as his kissing had been. She still felt ashamed by their interlude in the woods such a short time ago. He seemed to be completely unembarrassed by what they had done. Nor was he treating her in any way which made her feel degraded.

  "Come now, have a seat and I'll switch these off," he said, turning down the lights. "I wanted to see your reaction to the room. You're the first person who's been here to see it. But now we've already missed the first few minutes of the film. So have a seat and drink your cocoa before it's stone cold."

  Sinead grew rather nervous when he turned the overhead lights off, draping the room in darkness, but Austin sat unthreateningly in a armchair, and so she sat on the settee in front of the TV, and reached for the hot drink he'd made her. He'd brought down some blankets, but the open fire was so warm, she just wrapped a blanket around her for comfort. She sipped her cocoa and munched the popcorn absently, forcing herself to watch the film and not dwell on the huge masculine presence two feet away from her. She could feel him look at her occasionally, and once or twice he made an intelligent comment about the film, but she did whatever she could to discourage his conversation. She knew how easily he could slip in under her defenses.

  Sinead had to admit that she enjoyed the film, but regretted not having had the foresight to bring down a box of tissues. She couldn't figure out if she was shedding a few tears over the sad ending in the film, or over her own life.

  She must have rubbed her eyes once too often, for she heard Austin's deep voice ask gently, "Is it something you'd like to talk about?"

  "No, of course not. Old films are meant to be sentimental, aren't they?"

  "True, but I can't help getting the feeling that you're upset. I'm sorry if I've been the cause of it."

  Sinead weighed his words carefully, and decided that he was not apologising for what they had done together, but whether or not she now felt remorse about it. It was one of those things, she tried to explain to herself philosophically, and she couldn't blame him for her desires.

  "You haven't upset me. I just feel a bit tense, that's all. I'm not complaining, it's just that I had looked forward to a vacation. And I miss my family," she added, testing his response to any hint of Mike waiting for her in the background.

  Sinead saw him stiffen and rise from the chair. She felt bereft now that he had turned his back on her. Perhaps that lay behind his coolness after their passionate embraces in the woods. He had Margaret, and assumed she had Mike. She was tempted to mention her true circumstances, but once again drew back from the revelation. It was much safer for her that way.

  "I miss my sister, who's having a baby.
We're very protective of one another. I, well, I was in an accident last year, and she helped get me through it all."

  "An accident? Was it bad?" Austin asked, turning sharply to look at her.

  Sinead shrugged, but suddenly just longed to say it straight out, even if it shocked him. "My husband was driving. He was suicidal, over another woman. He also has a problem with drugs. I guess he thought he was in an eternal love triangle, just like in the film. He crashed the car. I survived."

  "Crashed it?" he repeated, his lips barely moving.

  She nodded. "On purpose, yes."

  She heard Austin's sharp intake of breath. He sat down by her on the sofa.

  "My God, how could he? Sinead, what you must have suffered!"

  Sinead got up from the settee before he could take her hand. "It was a long physical recovery. As for the mental scars, well, I try not to think about it. But sometimes things, people, from the past, dredge it all up again. I've just had a couple of unpleasant reminders recently, but I'm trying to cope. I want to put it behind me. Still, it's left me with a pretty sour opinion of the world generally. Maeve and, um, her husband and the baby on the way help keep me going."

  Austin looked at Sinead thoughtfully for a few minutes as she tidied the room. She could see him frown and glance at her speculatively once or twice. Finally she could bear the silence no longer, and said quietly, "Time for your injection, and then I'm off to bed."

  Austin obediently followed her into the kitchen and accepted his shot meekly. She loaded up the dishwasher and still he said nothing.

  At last she broke the silence. "We've both had a long day, and I for one am exhausted. So, if there's nothing more you want tonight, Mr. Riordan..."

  Austin snapped, "Stop it, Sinead! Just stop it! I won't have you retreating from me into polite formalities. You have no need to fear me. I'm not about to devour you, and I don't see the point of all this pretence. If you are afraid of anything, it's yourself, not me. What happened between us was a magical moment I'll treasure forever. You've been hurt in the past, it's true. But I'm me, Austin, not any other man in your life. I promise you, hand on heart, that I would never hurt you if I could possibly help it."

  "Sometimes we get hurt in spite of everyone's best efforts," Sinead pointed out sadly.

  "And sometimes we hurt ourselves more than others ever could, through guilt, fears, suspicions, which should all be put to rest with a little risk-taking, a little honesty. I know it's hard, but can you at least try to trust me? Can you accept that I deserve to be given a chance, not condemned without a trial?"

  She bit her lip for a moment, then nodded.

  "Good. So now the question is, Sinead, can you trust yourself, allow yourself to act on your instincts and try to be happy in spite of everything? Did you and I hurt each other out in the snow tonight?"

  Sinead looked at him directly for the first time, her eyes compelled to meet his and acknowledge the truth. She shook her head gently.

  "Have either you or I hurt any one else, or been disloyal?" he challenged.

  There she had to bow her head as she thought of Luke.

  He took her by the shoulders and forced her to stare back up at him. "I'm sorry, but maybe it's better to be disloyal to another person than to yourself. You can't pretend to be something you're not forever, you know. You're exceptionally passionate. Taking refuge in a loveless but secure relationship is not the answer to your problem. I may not be any solution either, Sinead, God knows, but by feeling guilty over something perfectly natural, you're only hurting yourself."

  Sinead stared at his mouth in fascination, longing to stretch up and kiss him as he had kissed her before. But the ghost of the past stood between them, and she couldn't admit to the truth. That she desired him more than anything in the world at that moment and would give anything to feel the sweet sensations again that he had filled her with just a short time before.

  "Austin, I'm sorry you're concerned," Sinead said stiffly. "It just happened. I'm not upset any more. You have your life, and I have mine. The others in our lives might be hurt by our relationship. I'm your nurse. We're not friends, or lovers. Nor shall we ever be. At the end of these two weeks, I'll go back to my world. This is your world, which I'm not a part of."

  "Are you so happy in your own world that you want nothing to do with me?"

  "Yes! Of course!" Sinead ground out, feeling her strength draining away.

  "Liar!" Austin mocked.

  Before Sinead could flee up the stairs, he set out to prove she wasn't telling the truth. He pulled her to him firmly, his mouth swooping over hers in a blistering kiss.

  "Tell me! Tell me the truth for once," he demanded, as his teeth nibbled her earlobe, and he traced molten kisses down her neck and shoulder. "Tell me you want me!"

  "Austin, Austin, I can't," Sinead whimpered as he held her even tighter, until she was convinced she would stop breathing all together.

  "Tell me, Sinead, tell me with your voice, what your eyes, mouth, whole body tells me when I hold you to me. Tell me!"

  Sinead began to caress him with all the pent up yearnings she had denied for so long, but panicked as his hands began to move purposefully under her sweatshirt. "Please, Austin, we can't do this. It's not right. There must be another woman in your life, and you're just amusing yourself with me..."

  Austin released her abruptly and pounded his fist against the door. Sinead did not wait for any further discussion, but fled up the stairs to the safety of her room and bolted the door. "So much for trust," she could hear him say bitterly as she ran.

  Then she remembered the adjoining bathroom with horror, and raced to bolt her side of the door, only to find that there was no lock. There was one on his side of the door, and one to hers on his side. She bolted his clumsily with trembling fingers and then sat on the edge of the tub for a moment. All was silent in the house and so she decided to quickly wash her face and brush her teeth before Austin came up.

  Then Sinead unlocked his door and scurried into her own bedroom. She poked the fire before slipping between the sheets, still in her tracksuit. She shivered with cold, fear, and desire, hardly able to subdue her overwrought feelings. How could she possibly feel this way about a man she hardly knew?

  She lay awake tossing and turning, playing a film of the day over and over again in her head. The harder she tried, the more difficult it was to explain. But then feelings weren't logical. One fell in love for a dozen different reasons. The day and evening had been so perfect in every way, but maybe that was it. Maybe it was too lovely, too perfect, and like a delicate flower, would fall apart if she grasped it firmly.

  Sinead struggled to fall asleep. She tried to block him out of her mind entirely, but there she failed miserably as well. Sinead heard Austin's footsteps creak on the stairs and shuffle softly across the landing. She held her breath. The steps paused at her door for a few maddening minutes, then whispered across the wooden floor back towards his room.

  She sighed raggedly, trying to force the tension to leave her body. No matter how she looked at it, Austin was right. She was far too frightened of herself. The more she struggled, the more she hurt herself.

  Once again she scolded herself for being so stupid as to have agreed to come all the way out into the middle of nowhere with a man she'd found irresistible from the moment his lips had touched hers in the Jaguar. She had to escape, and would wait for her chance.

  Eventually Sinead managed to doze fitfully, her dreams full of dark-haired, mysterious figures with piercing gray eyes.

  Chapter Fifteen

  After the turbulent night she had spent, Sinead could hardly describe herself as looking forward to a new day. She steeled herself for a battle of wills with Austin as she walked into the kitchen early the next morning. Avoiding his sharp glance, she helped herself to a cup of coffee from the machine and gulped it thirstily before helping herself to some cereal.

  Austin sat at the table reading the paper, but apart from a quiet good morning and the us
ual polite inquiries concerning the comfort of her room, he said nothing.

  Again she took him through his routine with the syringe, and gave him his injection. Austin made no move to touch her, and she began to relax again.

  She busied herself getting things ready for his breakfast, and drank another cup of coffee while his bacon and eggs cooked, filling the kitchen with a mouth-watering aroma which finally made him look up.

  "I thought we agreed I'd do breakfasts."

  "No bother, really. You can do it tomorrow. I can't remember the last time I cooked breakfast for anyone, including myself."

  She saw a rather unreadable expression come into his eyes, but he hastily looked down at the paper again and read her the headlines while she buttered toast and laid out everything on a plate for him.