Brick Shithouse

by Bijou Hunter

  Now grinning, Poet hands her Magnus before corralling the mini-twins to their booth next to mine.

  “You’re in love,” my niece Minnow says with disdain. “I don’t support more babies in the family.”

  Her brother, Murphy, sits next to her and shakes his head in unison with hers. “Two is too many already.”

  “We’re not having a baby. Though when we’re ready, we’ll be sure to run the idea by you two first, okay?”

  “Seems fair,” Murphy says and hands Minnow a menu.

  Cricket sits across from me in my booth. Bouncing her son, she turns so baby Magnus can eyeball baby Sierra. The babies reach for each other with their tiny slobber-covered hands and swap spit. I cock an eyebrow at the gross display of baby affection and realize I’m not ready for a kid. Twenty-four hours of drool and shit diapers—not to mention the fucking crying—isn’t something I crave. Waking up next to a naked Audrey every morning is my only goal for the foreseeable future.

  “Tell me about the angel seducer,” Cricket says after ordering breakfast and sticking her drooling son on her breast. “Is she horrible because I originally thought she was when Mom called me?”

  I look at Mom who shrugs. “I said nice stuff, but you know how negative Cricket can be.”

  My sister frowns at our mom and then at me. I lean forward and whisper loudly, “Mom and Dad are fighting.”

  “Don’t worry,” Cricket says and pats my hand. “If they split up, you can live with Poet and me.”

  “No,” her husband says with his mouth full of the toast he stole from Chipper’s plate. “He’s too big. No space.”

  “Ignore him. My sexy baby is territorial. You should see how he acts when Bianca Bella wags her dick around.”

  “Mom,” Murphy admonishes. “Girls don’t have dicks.”

  “Sure, they do. The world is a big freaky place. Now stop bugging me while I’m bugging your uncle.”

  I enjoy a minor break from Cricket’s inquisition when the waitress brings our food. Digging into my eggs, I hope my sister will be too busy breastfeeding and eating to ask personal questions.

  “Is Audrey tall?”

  “No.”

  “How’s that going to work?”

  “I’ll pick her up when we do it against walls.”

  Chipper snorts. “Yeah, holding a chick up the entire time ain’t fun, angel-bro.”

  “And getting dropped ain’t fun either,” Tatum adds while Mesa braids her mother’s hair with what I assume are syrup-covered fingers.

  Cricket and Chipper high-five in honor of his poor sex move. I catch Mom and Dad smirking, but they’re too busy subtly fighting to join in with the antics.

  “Why are they pissed at each other?” I whisper to Cricket.

  “Well,” she says loudly, “Mom thinks Dad works too hard and Dad thinks Mom works too soft. They did agree how we children need to get off our pampered asses and do more to help Daddy Dickish.”

  “That’s not why we’re fighting,” Mom mutters.

  “Oh, sorry. I just assume everything revolves around me, and I know how you’re often disappointed in Chip and Angelic Loverboy.”

  “We are not fighting,” Dad says before Mom can spill the beans.

  “I think it’s about sex,” Chipper whispers so loudly that the windows shake from the sheer volume of his words.

  “Do you think Mom can’t lube it up or Dad can’t get it up?” Cricket instantly inquires.

  “Why not both?” I ask.

  Our parents glare at us in unison. As usual, our bad behavior has brought them closer together. I don’t expect a thank-you basket for our efforts, though. Dad doesn’t believe in sending baskets to anyone except old ladies while Mom doesn’t believe in sending them to anyone. So, sadly, no fruit or candy baskets await me.

  “Huh, I guess I could order one for myself,” I mumble while cutting my ham.

  “Two days with a woman in your life and you’re already losing your mind,” Cricket says, shaking her head. “Senility hits the Hayes men real quick, doesn’t it?”

  “Cricket, shut up,” Dad growls.

  “No,” she says without missing a beat. “How old is Audrey?”

  “Around twenty-one.”

  “That was my age when Poet filled me with his seed.”

  Tatum perks up and says, “I was twenty-one when filled with seed too.”

  “Seed,” Ridge says and hands his mom his toast because he thinks it’s gross. Since wasting food is wrong, it’s her job to eat the toast.

  Tatum immediately takes the slice from her precious son, kisses his forehead, and then hands the bread to Chipper who flings it toward the trash can.

  “You missed,” Poet tells Chipper.

  “I’ll pick it up on the way out.”

  “I ought to make you eat it,” Dad growls.

  “Like you could,” Chipper growls back.

  Before Dad can make good on his threat, Chipper lifts Dad’s youngest grandchild to remind everyone of her current slobber location.

  “Using a baby as a shield,” Dad grumbles. “Pathetic.”

  “You pulled that move all the time with Mom when Cappy was a baby.”

  “What’s your point?” Dad says and returns to his meal.

  Cricket smiles at our parents before laser-focusing her gaze on me. “Did she dump you?”

  “She’s moving here this week to be with me.”

  “I know. Mom told me.”

  “Then why ask?”

  “I wanted to see the momentary pained expression on your angelic face when you thought about her ditching you. So precious.”

  Ignoring Cricket’s crap, I smile. “Audrey’s a sassy broad. Tough too. She wears brass knuckles. The first day, she hit me with them a few times. If I were a lesser man, it would have fucking hurt.”

  “A violent woman. Hmm, I don’t know how I feel about that.”

  “You beat up a man the night we met,” Poet says.

  “What’s your point?”

  “That I like violent women.”

  “You saying sexy shit like that is why we have three kids,” Cricket coos, and I wonder if she’ll climb over the booth and hump him before God, the family, and our poor waitress. Instead, she turns to face me. “I want to like Audrey because I know how it feels to meet a man’s family and worry they won’t approve. On the other hand, you’re my baby brother, and no woman will ever be good enough. I think I’ll need to rough up this chick and put her in her place. Will that be a problem?”

  “Not at all,” I say and grin. “If you think you can take her.”

  Cricket shares my smile while effortlessly switching boobs for Magnus. I can’t imagine Audrey ever acting so casually with a kid. She’s tightly fucking wound, almost freakishly so.

  I don’t know if being the baby is different in the Johansson household than the pampering goodness I enjoy. Or possibly Audrey gets swallowed up in Ellsberg. I can’t imagine living here will be any easier with my big-mouthed siblings, parents, and in-laws. Hell, even the kids are snarky ballbusters. For the first time, I genuinely worry Audrey might not thrive in the town I call home.

  AUDREY

  Laundry preoccupies me for nearly an hour after arriving home. I get mine done along with muddy shit Colton dumped in the washer. I assume he’s been out in the woods with the dogs recently, but who knows? My brother is very skilled at getting dirty.

  Once I’ve washed, dried, and folded tons of clothes, I return to my room. I keep waiting for my parents to appear to provide my talking-to but upstairs remains quiet. Rando wanders by my open door, never looking inside.

  Bored and lonely, I think of Cap. I imagine him riding around town on his massive Harley or hanging out in the bunker-style office. He probably had breakfast with his family this morning. I know they have a routine. Soon, that’ll be my routine too.

  I hate thinking of leaving my room and the comfortable feeling of knowing my parents are just downstairs. This life is all I’ve known. It’s b
oring for sure yet also comforting. I can’t imagine living somewhere else, and those doubts dig into my head like a tick on a dog’s ass.

  Needing reassurance, I dial Cap’s number and hope he picks up. If he sends my call to voicemail, my confidence will end up in the crapper, and I need to be fiercely committed if I plan to stand up to Pop AND Mom soon. Those two are pros at tag-teaming us kids. I can’t hesitate when confronting their parenting firewall or they’ll talk me into never moving out.

  Rather than ignore my call, Cap answers by saying, “I thought you’d call earlier.”

  “I only got home a few hours ago.”

  “Figured you’d call me when you got up. I guess you didn’t miss me at all, huh?”

  Grinning, I shake my head. “Not even a little.”

  “I missed you, though. Does that mean this relationship is lopsided in favor of you?”

  “I wish,” I mutter and roll back onto the bed. “Are you doing something with your voice? I don’t remember it sounding so deep.”

  “That’s because you were distracted by my good looks. Poor Pipsqueak was literally blinded by my beauty,” he says, chuckling so deeply I can feel it in my gut.

  “How come you never get blinded by my beauty?”

  “What makes you think I’m not? You don’t know me when I’m not around you. I could be a whole other guy when you’re not around to make me horny and stupid.”

  Giggling, I hate the sound of my silly laugh. He just makes me feel dumb in the best way.

  “Are you having second thoughts about moving here yet?” he asks, always knowing where my head’s at.

  “Yes.”

  “I’ll survive alone if you need more time.”

  “But driving back and forth sucks.”

  “Has your father warmed up to the idea?”

  “No, and Mom will soon be his backup.”

  “Would it help if I came up there and won over your parents?”

  “No, but you could help me pack, and we could make out in my bedroom.”

  “When do you want me there?” he says immediately.

  “How soon can you make it?”

  “If I leave now, three hours probably.”

  Stunned by his answer, I don’t respond right away. “I didn’t really mean today.”

  “Why not? There’s a hotel near your house. I already checked. I keep an extra pair of clothes in my Harley. I can head out as soon as we hang up.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Audrey, play it straight with me. No games or sarcasm or saying yes when you mean no. Just be square and answer me. Do you want me to drive up and see you?”

  I look around my room, feeling homesick. I don’t want to leave this place, but I miss Cap already and wish he were next to me.

  “Yes.”

  “I’ll be there by dinner.”

  “No, wait,” I stammer. “Can you drive up tomorrow?”

  “Why tomorrow?”

  “I need time to prove to my parents that moving is my decision and I’m not your puppet.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “A hundred percent.”

  “Tomorrow then.”

  Sighing, I can already feel him next to me. “Tomorrow. Let me check on my parents and then I’ll call you back in a bit.”

  Hanging up, I’m bitch-slapped by how much I crave him. I miss the way I feel when he’s in the same room. That Audrey is so much more EVERYTHING than the Audrey, who sits unsure after hanging up. I really like that Audrey. She doesn’t worry so much about what others think or do. She’s an all-around more relaxed version of me. Yeah, I want to hang with THAT chick and not the one I am in Ellsberg.

  Heading downstairs, I find Pop and Mom in the kitchen. They stop whispering at the island and stare at me with matching disapproving dark-eyed gazes. I grab a handful of grapes from the fridge and start eating them out of my palm.

  “Cap is driving up to see me tomorrow. I’m excited for Mom to meet him.”

  “The guy is pushing too hard,” Mom says and looks to Pop. “Don’t you think he’s pushing too hard?”

  “Yeah, he's an asshole.”

  Popping another grape into my mouth, I mumble, “Gram said you were such an asshole to Mom that you lost her for a while and only got her back by being less of an asshole. You've been married for like ever, right? It’s possible Cap can decrease his assholeness like you did, Pop.”

  “When did Gram tell you that?”

  “Years ago while sloppy drunk on peach schnapps.”

  “I wasn’t an asshole. Immature maybe.”

  “And Cap is around the same age as when you won Mom’s heart. Immature isn’t a deal breaker especially considering how immature I am.”

  “You are very young,” Mom sighs.

  “And it’s time for me to get my own place and learn to take care of bills and my laundry and other crap.”

  “You already do your laundry.”

  “Because I want to. When I live on my own, I’ll do it because I have to.”

  “I think you’re too young.”

  “You were younger than me when you married Pop. And when you had Lily and Rando. Geez, you did a lot by the time you were my age.”

  Pop narrows his gaze until he’s glaring at me through slits. “Stop complimenting your mom as a way to distract her.”

  “She isn’t distracting me.”

  “Well, she’s distracting me then,” Pop says and exhales roughly. “Your mom did accomplish a lot by your age. I mean, what the fuck is the holdup, Audrey?”

  “My soft upbringing made me soft. You should have been tougher on me, Pop. The blame really lies with you.”

  Mom fights a smile while giving Pop the side-eye. “You wanted Audrey to date Hayes’s kid. This was your plan, and it worked. Why don’t we settle down and see what happens?”

  “Her compliments tricked you!” Pop cries, shocked by my successful tactic. “She’s playing you.”

  “No, she just put the situation into context. We think of her as a child, but she isn’t. You and I were already together by her age.”

  “This isn’t what I wanted when I brought her down to White Horse,” Pop says, pacing a circle around the island. “I thought they’d date casually for a few years and then he’d build a house here and run shit from afar.”

  “There’s no way he’d leave White Horse,” I say.

  “You barely know him.”

  “He loves his town and his family and his job. He belongs there.”

  “And you love it here.”

  Shrugging, I suck a grape into my mouth. “I can take it or leave it.”

  Mom frowns. “I thought you liked your life.”

  “I’m bored here. I don’t want to go to school. I can’t date any of the bikers, and the other men around here would shit themselves in Pop’s presence. Remember how weird Jay was around Pop? He acted worse around Colton.”

  “Your brother bullied him.”

  “Exactly! Normal men can’t deal with this family. Now a man like Cap wouldn’t worry about Colton. He’d just squish him under his giant foot.”

  Pop nods. “Hayes’s kid is big enough to do it, and Colt could use a decent beatdown.”

  “I don’t want anyone messing with my boy,” Mom grumbles, forever protective of her only son.

  “He’s got to take his lumps like everyone else in the Reapers. Can’t have him going soft if he wants to lead the club one day.”

  “Going soft?” I snort. “He’s already soft. If Pop screwed me up, Colt is all on Mom.”

  “Hey!”

  “It’s true,” Pop says, now focused on my brother rather than me.

  Nodding, I pile on just a bit more. “I did his laundry today, and I bet he won’t even thank me. I guess that means I baby him too. I say we gang up on him tonight and kick his ass. I’ll get my brass knuckles, and Rando can bring her plastic bat.”

  Smirking, Pop shakes his head. “That stupid bat.”

  “It hurts like hell,”
I say, frowning at his grin. “Has she ever hit you with it?”

  “Of course not.”

  “Then don’t mock the fucking bat. She popped me in the shoulder with it once, and I thought my arm would fall off.”

  “Why would she hit you?” Mom asks, assuming I did something to cause the attack. As usual, her guess isn’t wrong.

  “I tried to steal the last cupcake that she’d already put dibs on. Big mistake. She whipped out that bat so fast that I didn’t have time to react. So, yeah, never underestimate the bat.”

  As if summoned by our plotting against him, Colton Johansson—looking the spitting image of our father—stumbles from his bedroom. His blond hair reminds me of a starfish, and I can smell old booze on him from across the living room. My parents watch him emerge from his room, and he stops to acknowledge their gazes.

  “What?” he asks, pulling up the boxers barely hanging from his hips.

  I stop chewing on my grapes long enough to throw him an ounce of info. “We’re thinking about kicking your ass.”

  “Like you could.”

  Colton shuffles back into his bedroom and shuts the door. I glance at my parents and sigh. “You heard him, Pop. He challenged you. Walking away isn’t even an option now.”

  “Huh, beating the crap out of him might not be such a bad idea,” Pop says to Mom who shakes her head. “What? It couldn’t hurt. My pop smacked me around when I got too big for my britches.”

  “No smacking.”

  “You’re babying him, Mom,” I say with a mouth full of grapes.

  “Stop stirring up trouble, Audrey.”

  “No.”

  “I’m not fooled by how you’re distracting us from your move.”

  Pop points his finger at me. “I’ll tell you what. Tomorrow, you take Hayes Junior to Kirk’s Whiskey, and I’ll tell your brother to give Cap the business. Then your boyfriend can prove his mettle by smacking around your brother.”

  “No smacking,” Mom says from the sink.

  Pop waits until her back is turned to us before whispering to me, “Mild slapping then.”

  Winking at my father, I’ll miss these moments once I move south to White Horse. No more Pop and me plotting to cause trouble. Usually, we target Uncle Tucker, but occasionally, we go after club guys who piss off Pop. Without me here, who will help him dole out his ass-whooping lessons?