Brick Shithouse

by Bijou Hunter

  CAP

  Hanging up from the call with Audrey, I focus my attention on the patrons of the Kitsch Kitchenette. My large frame looms over a reggae-humming white boy sitting in a beanbag chair while typing on his tablet. No doubt he believes he’s writing the next great American novel. Undoubtedly, the world waits with bated breath for the mind vomit from a douche wearing a Freddy Kruger sweater.

  “Leaving town?” Lottie asks from behind the coffee counter.

  Keanu’s girlfriend of a year manages the White Horse “lukewarm spot”—as my dad calls it—where hipsters hang out to be seen not caring if they’re seen. I admit the place is full of pompous fucks, but Bianca Bella came up with the idea, and a few other local chefs jumped at the chance to offer up weird little meal ideas that wouldn’t fit in a typical restaurant. So Cricket picked an empty storefront, got it organized, and handed the management responsibilities over to a young Indonesian immigrant with ever-changing hair colors and a degree in business. Keanu took one look at the shaggy-haired pixie and drooled himself into a state of dehydration. After a few months of relentless stalking, she agreed to a date with the boss’s best friend. Once she got a taste of Keanu Slater, Lottie was a lost cause.

  “Tomorrow,” I tell her before walking around the counter to get away from the humming douche. “Audrey needs me to drive up and remind her of the hunk she’s missing. Plus, I’ll pack her up and drive her down here.”

  “It’s cool you’re finally into someone besides Bianca Bella.”

  Frowning, I wish Keanu kept his big mouth closed. “BB was a crush I had when I was a kid.”

  “And you’re not a kid anymore,” she says, finishing my thought. “I just meant that people get in their heads what their ideal person is and sometimes they can’t find someone real who fits that ideal. I’m glad you have.”

  “Yeah, Audrey’s something special,” I mumble, smiling at the memory of her sweet pout. “I can’t wait until she lets loose with me. I doubt I’ll be able to walk when she’s finished.”

  “TMI, Cap,” she says and steps away.

  “I mean, lets loose with her love.”

  Lottie gives me an unimpressed side-eye. “Oh, sure.”

  Grinning at her expression, I imagine Audrey behind the counter soon. She’ll get plenty of tips from the hipster twats looking to make nice with the hot brunette. It’ll kill me not to kill them, but Audrey needs to make money in the beginning.

  If I’m the only one with cash in their pocket, she’ll worry I’m in charge of everything—just like her parents are in Ellsberg.

  So I’ll let the hipster twats add to her bank account.

  “Your bro is here,” Lottie says, glancing up from her tablet.

  I assume she means Chipper, but I spot Keanu climbing off his Harley.

  Four years older than me and eight inches shorter, Keanu and I have always made an odd pairing. His aunt Ruby is my mom’s best friend. His stepfather, Dayton Rutgers, is the VP of the Serrated Brotherhood Motorcycle Club in nearby Hickory Creek Township, while my father's never been a fan of the biker gang. On paper, we don’t scream best buds, but I’ve always found his chill demeanor to be addictive. Other kids bored me, and I never made friends outside of my family and Keanu. I’m a big believer in quality over quantity.

  Keanu enters the Kitchenette and gives a dismissive head nod to Lottie. I frown at their cold vibe but say nothing as I follow him outside.

  “Are you two on the out?”

  Keanu shakes his head. “There’s a regular customer who leaves her huge tips. Now it’s not as if Lottie leads him on. She just doesn’t tell him about me,” Keanu says and gives me a sly grin. “It sounds fucked up to tease a loser, but Lottie’s always saving up the money to send to her family back in Bandung. It’s important to her that they have a good life since she does here.”

  Keanu stops talking long enough to level a steely glare at someone eyeballing him as they drive by. Old timers around these parts sometimes go nativist when they spot a non-white. If it bothers Keanu, he never mentions his concerns. He just likes to give them a dark stare and make them lock their doors.

  “This guy,” Keanu continues when the sedan is out of sight, “writes lame poems to Lottie. Sometimes, she and I get drunk and read them to each other. Most of them involve comparing her pussy to flowers. You should come over sometime, drink up and recite a few.”

  “What if he tries something with her?” I ask, thinking about my plan for Audrey to flirt her way into extra tips.

  “He won’t. The guy’s stalking like six women around White Horse. He likes the idea of wooing them. If any of those women showed the least bit of interest, he’d stop showing up to their work. I know because one woman got dumped by her boyfriend and decided to slum it with the stalking weasel. He told her that he was moving to Qatar, even though they live two blocks from each other and were bound to see each other around town.”

  “Didn’t Chandler on ‘Friends’ tell Janice he was moving to Qatar?”

  “How the hell would I know?”

  “Shit, I need to check, or that question will bug me all day,” I mumble, pulling out my phone to go a quick search. “No, he said Yemen.”

  “Glad you got that nagging question settled. I still think you’re a lame butt munch to watch generic crap like ‘Friends.’”

  Despite his bitching, I sense—because I can read the fucker like I can the guy in the mirror—he knows “Friends” better than I do.

  “I’m driving to Ellsberg to see Audrey tomorrow. You need to keep an eye on my usual haunts while I’m out of town. Chipper and Cricket are busy with their newest offspring, and I don’t trust them not to forget.”

  “Shit’s moving fast with this Kentucky chick.”

  “She’s my Lottie. When I saw her, I had one of those reactions like a horny cartoon with my eyes popping out and steam shooting from my ears. Real mature feelings for sure, but she’s getting nervous about moving here. I need to show up in her hometown and steal her away from her old life.”

  “You said she’s a handful. Is that code for psycho bitch? If yes, how will you steal her away without her kicking your giant ass?”

  “No, psycho bitch is too strong a description. She’s Cricket without Chipper.”

  “An insecure troublemaker with no backup, huh? Sounds like the perfect clusterfuck for a man like you.”

  “Exactly. See how you just fucking understand the shit in my head.”

  “It’s a gift.”

  “You be sure to remember this happy fucking feeling when Audrey starts working at the Kitchenette and Lottie gets to complaining about the insecure troublemaker.”

  “Don’t mess up my love life, asshole,” Keanu growls, glaring fearlessly at me.

  “No promises. To keep Audrey in White Horse, I’m willing to take a few casualties.”

  “If you scare off Lottie, I will cut you, Blunderbore Bitch.”

  Smirking at how he always reaches for an insult of the Beanstalk variety; I cross my arms and glower down at him. “You know blades don’t kill giants.”

  “I’ll shoot you then,” he says, fighting laughter. “Or hit you with a stolen semi?”

  “That last one might hurt.”

  Keanu shakes his head. “How long will you be in Kentucky?”

  “A few days at the most. I don’t like leaving town for long periods. Enemies might be tempted to view Chipper and Cricket as whipped. Neither of them has killed anyone in a while. People get dangerous ideas when I’m not around to scare them.”

  “Your dad is here.”

  “Sure, the man is terrifying, and he can still bust asses,” I say and then add because I know Dad isn’t around to bust my particular ass, “In a fight, he also might fall and break a hip.”

  “Well, tickle me fucking pink. If you mess up shit with Lottie and me, I think I’ll just send Hayes a bottle of Vitamin D. Oh, and a message stating you’re worried about his osteoporosis, and I thought this would help.”

 
; “Well played, Short Round.”

  “Fuck you with the Eiffel Tower.”

  “Kinky,” I say, patting the top of his head and making a run for my Harley.

  The fast little fucker manages to nail me in the ass with his foot before I get to the curb. I spin around to grab him and maybe pound him a little before he retreats into the hipster paradise.

  Except Keanu moves like a cat and has already put too much distance between us. I glare at where his smiling face appears from inside the restaurant. He waves at me, looking just like the little kid I first met. His hand then shifts into a fist before a triumphant middle finger appears loud and proud for my benefit.

  8 - AUDREY

  I actually wake up with a smile on my face, knowing I’ll see Cap today. I still can’t believe he was willing to drop everything to see me. Men don’t do shit like that for women who mean nothing to them.

  My smile eventually fades as I eat breakfast and begin obsessing over what he’ll find when he arrives. I decide the house is messy, though not horribly so considering six people live here. Dressing in my raggediest clothes, I start cleaning with the hope that staying busy will keep me from stressing myself out before Cap even arrives.

  An hour later, Colton watches me wipe down the counters and purposely eats his English muffin without a plate. The crumbs drop to the floor I just cleaned. My dark eyes find his and narrow menacingly. He only smiles and takes another bite.

  “Why?” I mutter.

  “You didn’t clean the house for my girlfriend.”

  “Which one?”

  “Does it matter?”

  “What would I care what your girlfriends think?”

  “Exactly my thought about your boyfriend,” he says and chews his food with his mouth open.

  I reach for a kitchen knife before deciding that killing him might be a step too far. Instead, I grab a wooden spoon and rush the messy jerk. He sidesteps my first attack, though I get lucky with a punch to his right ribs. Colton swipes my feet, sending me flat on my ass.

  “Don’t mess with the bear, baby girl,” he says, popping me on the head with the spoon he seized.

  I stare up at him with the fire of a million pissed women roaring inside me. “One day, I will make your male vagina bleed.”

  Colton only grins and tosses the spoon in the sink. I watch him walk away before returning to my feet. Lily remains silent in the living room. I know she heard our battle, but she won’t interfere. Violence isn’t her thing. She’s a lover, not a fighter.

  An image of my soon-to-be lover entering the house sends me into a panic. My stomach cramps and I realize my hands are shaking. Giving up on cleaning the house, I hurry upstairs for a shower. Only when I reach the bathroom do I realize I’m crying.

  Sitting on my bed, I rock back and forward in the way Mom did when she held me as a baby. Lacking my mom’s soothing power, I can’t shake my panic.

  My family could embarrass me. Cap could embarrass me. I’ll most likely embarrass myself. Then Cap will dump me, and my family will make fun of me, and I’ll cry like a dumbshit.

  Lily didn’t cry when she broke it off with Jay. She remained mature about losing the man she planned to marry while I’m a sobbing mess over a guy I barely know but who already owns my heart.

  “You’re okay,” Lily says, entering my room and climbing behind me on the bed. Her delicate fingers begin massaging my shoulders. “Whatever is bothering you will pass.”

  “Have you ever had one of those dreams where you’re driving, and the car just keeps going faster and faster until you can’t control it and end up crashing?” When Lily nods, I admit in a whisper, “Cap is going to realize I’m a loser and dump me.”

  “You’re not a loser.”

  “He helps runs his family’s business, and he’s so confident. I have a part-time job and no big plans. Why didn’t I improve myself years ago? Now I’m nothing special.”

  “Where’s all this negativity coming from?”

  “Did we just meet? I’m always negative.”

  “Not always. You were happy last night when Cap said he’d drop everything to visit you.”

  I wipe my eyes and remember that excitement. “Yeah, I was happy. I just worry that whatever magic happened in White Horse won’t happen here. What if he sees me in a new light and decides I’m not good enough?”

  “Then he’s an asshole,” she says, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. “If that man comes here and mistreats you, we’ll have Pop kick his ass.”

  “I’m not sure he could take Cap.”

  “Oh, I don’t know. Pop might not be a young man anymore, but he’s plenty strong, and he cheats in fights.”

  “Cap cheats too, I think. He doesn’t believe in losing.”

  “Well, if Pop can’t take him, then Colton can help. It’s not like the knucklehead has anything else to do.”

  I smile at my sister’s word choices. Despite her sounding like a grandma, I keep my mouth shut and avoid hurting her feelings. Lily’s never been a bad sister, but we never had a lot in common. I grew up feeling like an annoyance to her. I always followed around her and Rando while they were always trying to ditch me.

  “What’s happening?” Rando asks, standing at my doorway.

  “Audrey’s nervous about Cap’s visit.”

  “Nervous?”

  “Yeah, I’m freaking out a little.”

  Rando says nothing before walking away. I smile at her exit and then turn to Lily.

  “Have you ever had your heart broken?”

  “No.”

  “What about with Jay?”

  “I never managed to love him as much as I wanted,” she says, settling down next to me on the bed. “When I knew things were over, I only felt relieved.”

  “I think I could love Cap more than I’ve loved anyone. That’s a lot of power to give to a person I barely know.”

  “Trust yourself. Pop said you have a good gut instinct, and he doesn’t say that about everyone.”

  “He also says I have no common sense.”

  “You’re like him that way. You run toward things and mouth off before thinking.”

  “And crash and burn a lot,” I mumble, thinking of how my big mouth drove away the twins.

  “I can think of plenty of things worse than being like Pop.”

  I use my shirt to dry my face. Taking a deep breath, I level out my shoulders and steady my nerves.

  “If Cap dumps me, I will fall apart completely and be a useless piece of shit for at least a year. You should prepare to witness that dramafest.”

  “Though I believe you’re strong than that, if you need to fall apart for a while, no one will hold it against you.”

  “Colton will.”

  “Not if you cry. It’s why he rarely pulls any shenanigans with me. I always cry, and he backs off.”

  “I’ll give that a try sometime.”

  Rando enters the room and hands me a sangria-flavored wine cooler. “Drink this and calm down.”

  “I don’t think I should.”

  “I’m drinking one, and I’m not even freaking out,” she says and reveals a half-empty bottle in her other hand. “I can drink that one too if you want.”

  “No, I’m good.”

  Rando walks out of the room without saying anything else. Lily frowns at our sister and shakes her head. “Should she be drinking before noon?”

  “What difference does it make? Does she still have a job?”

  “I think she works part-time at the animal shelter.”

  “You think?” I ask, shocked that she doesn’t know everyone’s comings and goings.

  “I don’t know what she does. When I ask Mom, she says to ask Rando, which means she doesn’t know either.”

  “Whatever Rando’s job might be,” I say and gulp a mouthful of wine cooler, “the girl was right about the booze. I’m much calmer now.” When an offended Lily clears her throat loudly, I smile. “You helped more, of course. I have great big sisters.”

>   Properly credited for her greatness, Lily smiles and gives me a tender hug. Her delicate way always annoyed me a little. Why was she so damn prim and proper when she grew up roughnecking like the rest of us? Despite my occasional irritation with Lily, I can’t deny she gives nice hugs, great massages, and solid pep talks. In fact, I’m positively calm by the time Cap arrives.

  CAP

  I wake up with a woody the size of one of the big bastards in the family’s backyard. I’m surprised I can move with such a hard-on, but what did I expect? My dick knows Audrey will be near it soon.

  After a half hour of struggling with my monster, I head to the shower and get ready for my trip. Mom and Dad ditched me earlier, having gone to breakfast. They’re gone by the time I arrive at the Waffle House. My siblings aren’t around either, so I eat alone.

  Last night, I hooked up a trailer to my shiny black truck, so I can transport Audrey’s Harley and other assorted crap. She’ll no doubt drive her beloved El Camino to White Horse.

  In a thousand ways, Kentucky and Tennessee aren’t so different, but my heart knows I’m not home as soon as I pass the state border. Ideally, my girl would live in White Horse. We’d move slow or fast based on our feelings rather than our zip codes. I’m not the first one in the family to make a long-distance relationship work. Like with Cricket and Poet, the solution is to force the other person to move to White Horse. No way—in any universe—can Kentucky and West Virginia successfully compete with Tennessee.

  I’ll make sure my pouty, brunette pipsqueak is happy in White Horse. Whatever she needs, I’ll provide. Even bend over backward if need be. Anything to make her smile.

  The odd thing is I can’t explain why Audrey’s beauty is better or her smile is brighter than other women’s. She possesses the same qualities as a million of other divas, but none of them register on my radar.

  Audrey’s special, so I’ll do whatever necessary to make her happy. Even if it means moving my ass to this Tennessee wannabe state.