Always Been You

by Tracy Luu

  “W…what are you trying to say, Jacob?”

  “I have always wanted you, Jenna Chow,” he said softly, his brown eyes smouldering with emotion as his hand cupped my face. “And like you, this time it’s more than just a crush. But even though it’s still too early to love you too, I’ve also come to realise it has always been you for me and will always be you.”

  His kiss was warm, gentle, and surprisingly hesitant, but so achingly good, I wasn’t sure if this was a dream. Except when he pressed me closer, let out a soft moan, and I felt his fingers lightly skim my waist, I forced myself to pull away.

  “Jenna, what’s wrong?” he whispered. “Please, say something.”

  I knew he wanted me to tell him I wanted him too. All I needed to do was utter those four words…

  “Sorry, Jacob…I can’t.”

  Averting my gaze as Jacob released his hold on me, I then spun around, and without a backward glance, sprinted down the street, the tears streaming down my face.

  Chapter 15

  Explanation

  Days later, I was still an emotional mess. I wouldn’t talk to anyone during school, especially Jacob, who kept trying to talk to me. Every time I saw him, I always made sure I was with someone when he came near. I knew the right thing for me to do was to explain why I had acted the way I did, but I couldn’t. I was still going through too many mixed feelings about what had happened between us. What made it worse was Jacob had poured his heart out to me, and I stupidly rejected him.

  On Saturday the weather outside seemed to reflect my mood; cold, dreary, and wet. I was hiding up in my room with the bed covers over my head. But as I began to cry for what felt like the hundredth time in a span of one week, someone barged in. I guess they finally had enough of me sulking around at school. One of them roughly jerked my blanket back, and I saw Nikki, Katie, and Amy each holding their sleeping bags and backpacks in their arms.

  “I guess you probably already know none of us are going anywhere until we get this thing between you and Jacob resolved,” said Amy.

  “I don’t really feel like talking,” I muttered to her.

  “Then we’re just going to have to keep questioning you until you do,” she sighed. “Honestly, Jen, what’s going on? You both have been so tight-lipped, we’re all getting worried. Seriously, how much sleep have you gotten this week?”

  “Enough I guess,” I said. But as I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror, I understood why Amy was concerned. My face was pale, the colour was gone from my cheeks, and I had bags under my eyes, like I hadn’t slept in weeks.

  “Jenna, please tell us, what did Jacob do?” pleaded Nikki.

  I winced at the sound of his name and my vision became blurry at the thought of what I almost had. Angrily, I wiped the tears away. “He tried to get together with me. And before you ask why I’m not happy, it’s because I also ran away.”

  “Why did you do that?” asked Katie.

  “Does any of this have to do with what happened on Sunday?” asked Amy.

  “Yes,” I whispered.

  “Then I guess I should explain a few things first before we get to why you needed to run from what could have made you happy.” She turned to face the girls. “On Sunday, Jenna and I had gone to watch Matt, Jacob, and Adam’s rugby game with some of their friends. Everything was going great until Adam’s cousin, Jack, came up and started flirting with her.”

  “What happened next?” asked Nikki.

  “Jacob announced that Jenna was his girlfriend,” sighed Amy.

  “Jacob said Jenna’s his girlfriend even though she isn’t?” cried Katie.

  “Yeah,” Amy sighed again. “Matt and I knew something bad was about to happen once Jack started making lewd comments to Jenna. But before we got a chance to intervene, Jacob punched Jack in the face. Then somehow Jenna and Adam managed to stop the fight from getting any worse. I’m still shocked Jenna did something so crazy like that.”

  “What did you do?” Nikki asked me.

  “She stood in front of Jacob when he was about to punch Jack again,” said Amy.

  “You did what?” Nikki and Katie yelled at me.

  “Yes, it was dumb of me,” I groaned, my voice sounding muffled as I buried my face in my pillow.

  “Even though I also agree it was stupid, it actually worked,” said Amy. “Jacob calmed down so quickly you wouldn’t have even suspected he was seething. I could understand why he wanted to protect her. Matt and I wanted to punch Jack too, especially after when he said wanted to sleep with Jen.”

  “What a creep!” yelled Katie.

  “Anyway, Jenna then started yelling and left with Jacob running after her,” Amy added. “I don’t know what happened after that, and I still haven’t found out since she hasn’t been speaking to anyone…even me.”

  “Is that why Jacob’s been brooding and ignoring everyone this whole week?” asked Nikki.

  “I noticed it too,” said Katie. “I thought he was just in one of his moods. But every time Jacob approached you, Jen, you’d ignore him, and he’d walk away looking really depressed about something.”

  “Maybe it’s because he feels guilty for interfering,” said Nikki.

  “I don’t really know the full details, but, Jenna, Jacob did ask me if I knew why you’ve been avoiding him,” said Amy. “He’s completely confused and nags Matt and I at least three times a day to tell him if he’s done anything wrong. Also, the fact that you have a lot of close male friends doesn’t help either.”

  “What’s that got to do with anything?” I blurted.

  “You must know by now that Jacob’s the jealous type. We all do.”

  “But he shouldn’t be.”

  “I know he shouldn’t, but we can’t tell him not to be, even Matt,” she said. “Matt also doesn’t want you to be upset with Jacob either. Not when this could be the chance for you and Jacob to finally get together once everything is settled.”

  “Maybe all of you are wrong about us,” I said.

  “I don’t think she is,” said Katie. “When I saw the way how you and Jacob were back in the tenth grade, I already knew you would be good for each other.”

  “Same here,” added Nikki.

  “For me, it was right when you, Matt, and I had gone to pick Jacob up at the airport,” said Amy. “I noticed right away this spark when you both had said ‘Hi’. Matt had seen it too. That’s why he’s always offering to get you two together. But before we could do anything about it, Jacob went out with Ivy, and you started seeing Riley.”

  “Well, I just found out Riley still loves me,” I whispered.

  “When?” asked Nikki.

  “At the picnic,” I said. “He wanted to try again, but he already suspected my feelings for Jacob.”

  “I never knew he was that perceptive of things,” said Nikki.

  “There’s also Aaron who’s still waiting for the opportunity to move in,” said Katie.

  “But didn’t Aaron tell you we were only going to remain friends?” I asked her.

  “Yes, he did, but he also told me that if Jacob takes too long to admit his feelings for you, then there’s no way he’s standing back,” she said. “He’s even given a time frame of when he’ll act.”

  “He told me the same thing, but he didn’t say exactly when,” I said.

  “So when is it?” asked Nikki.

  “Ironically, he was planning on doing something yesterday,” said Katie. “When Jenna didn’t answer his call, he called me. He sounded really disappointed when I told him my speculations of what may have happened between Jen and Jacob. But you know what? If Jacob hadn’t gotten his butt in gear and admit his feelings for her, I would’ve done whatever I could to get her and Aaron together. I mean, the guy had what, almost a year to do something?”

  “No wonder you’re so confused,” Nikki said sadly.

  “Yeah, well, I also know something else that makes everything even more confusing,” I said. “Like finding out Jacob was also interested in
me during tenth grade too.”

  “Wait, wait,” gasped Katie. “You mean the moron had more than a year to tell you how he felt?”

  “When did he tell you this?” asked Nikki.

  “The day we were looking for Matt’s gift,” I said. “Some girls were following us and the topic came up.”

  “And you two didn’t do anything then?” asked Amy.

  “No, because I thought we had agreed that we were just friends until recently,” I said.

  “Jacob’s definitely an idiot,” mumbled Katie.

  “I think now’s a good time to tell us what really happened on Sunday,” said Amy.

  “Then I should start before that,” I sighed. “Remember a few weeks ago when I went over to Jacob’s to work on my history paper?”

  “What about it?” asked Katie.

  “Something…happened that night,” I whispered, staring at the floor.

  “I thought so,” said Amy.

  “So tell us what happened,” urged Katie and Nikki.

  “I asked Jacob to show me his room,” I said.

  “I’ve never seen his room before either,” admitted Amy. “I guess he felt it was too private since the door was always closed.”

  “You should know that it’s very neat in comparison to Matt’s,” I grinned.

  “I’m sure most people’s bedrooms are better than Matt’s,” Amy murmured disgustedly.

  “Anyway, I only asked him to show it to me since his sister was the one who suggested it, but when he did, I was wondering why he was trying to hide his room from me given that I’ve already seen it before—”

  “How often have you been over at his house?” Nikki cut in.

  “Ever since we became friends, I guess quite a few,” I said.

  “Guys, we can talk about how close Jenna is to his mom later,” said Amy.

  “You’re close to his mom too?” gasped Nikki.

  “Uh…yeah?”

  “Wow! What else have you been holding out on us?”

  “Nikki!”

  “Sorry.”

  I grinned. “Anyway, I was looking around his room when I saw this picture of me. He had taken it secretly during the time we all went to watch the fireworks in the summer. It only caught my eye because of the beautiful frame it was in.”

  “What happened next?” asked Katie.

  “Well, to cut the story short, I was laughing at something he said when he tackled me onto his bed,” I said softly.

  “What?” the girls screamed in unison.

  “He tackled me onto his bed,” I repeated with a sigh. “And he kissed me.”

  “What happened after he kissed you?” asked Katie.

  “I kissed him back.” I sighed again.

  “Did you…?” Amy asked cautiously.

  “I pulled away before it went further and left,” I said.

  “You left because you were afraid it might not be real for him,” said Amy. “That’s why you left. You didn’t want to know if it isn’t.”

  “Is that why you two looked so uncomfortable when we were at the fair?” asked Nikki.

  “That’s why we went on the Ferris wheel,” I said. “I really thought we were going to confess how we both feel about each other, but instead it was to tell me that he didn’t want to give me the wrong idea. I won’t deny feeling disappointed after hearing him say that, but I also didn’t tell him I actually liked him either. I just told him we were still friends when he had asked if we still were.”

  “And now we’re up to the fight you two had on Sunday,” said Amy.

  “When I stormed off, I didn’t want to have anything to do with him, but he’s just as stubborn as me,” I said. “Once he caught up, I then started yelling again, and everything just came out.”

  “What happened after that?” asked Nikki.

  “Jacob finally confessed he liked me,” I said, holding my pillow tighter to my body. “He then said he wanted to pursue a relationship with me, and he kissed me. But instead of answering him, I pushed him away since I got cold feet and left.”

  “If he told you he wanted to be with you, why are you avoiding him?” asked Katie, looking confused.

  “I’m still scared,” I said. “There’s a part of me that’s still uneasy when it comes to Jacob. Even after I finally found out he wants me too, how do I know if this time he’s telling me the truth?”

  “I think he is,” Amy smiled.

  She pulled me in and tried to comfort me, but I shook her arm off my shoulders and threw my pillow across the room. It made a loud thump and fell to the floor.

  “No, I…I don’t want to believe it, Amy!” I cried. “I’ve been denying his attentions and lingering looks for so long, I’m not sure if I can deal with this kind of disappointment when I find out everything that’s been happening are all lies! Seriously, how would any of you feel if you found out the guy you’ve always wanted finally admits he likes you back, but then turns it around by saying ‘Sorry, Jenna, I really was only kidding with you’? H…how do I know that’s not what he’s going to tell me next?”

  “I’m sure if you talked to Ja—”

  “No, Nikki! Not when there’s a high probability he will tell me that everything he said to me is a mistake. He already thinks kissing me on his bed was a mistake. It really hurt to hear it, but I wasn’t going to let it ruin me. Now after finding out that he’s actually interested, how do I know my dream to be with him won’t come crashing down on me? I…I don’t want to b…believe it’s finally happening after all these years.”

  “Jenna, I don’t think Jacob’s that cruel just so he could purposely hurt you,” said Amy.

  “It’s just too hard to believe it,” I sobbed unrestrainedly against my knees.

  “I guess you found out what the roses mean then,” whispered Nikki.

  “H…he said a fully opened rose m…meant the giver is very much in love with the recipient,” I said, choking back tears. “The white p…part of the rose represents his loyalty to me while the red inside s…symbolises his heart.”

  “He loves you?” whispered Katie.

  “He didn’t say that, but he did tell me that even though it was too early to love me, he realised I was always the one for him, and that I will always be his.”

  “That’s so romantic,” sniffed Nikki.

  “So, Jen, what are you going to do?” asked Katie.

  “I’m sure she already knows,” said Amy. “You still want to be with him, even after all of this, don’t you, Jen?”

  “Even if I do, I lost my chance when I ran away,” I said.

  “Not when you mean this much to him,” said Nikki.

  “Easy for you to say,” I said, hanging my head down in shame. “You guys didn’t see his expression when I didn’t answer him. I think I broke his heart.”

  “You didn’t,” said Amy. “If you did, he wouldn’t be hounding Matt and me constantly on how you’ve been doing. Right now his main concern is losing you. Jacob wants you so bad you can see it in his eyes. Even during this whole ordeal, you haven’t seen the way he looks at you when he thinks nobody can see him.”

  “But if you aren’t ready to fully let him in yet, he’ll still want to be your friend and will probably even wait for you until you’re ready,” said Katie.

  “Thanks guys,” I sniffed, pulling them all into a much needed hug.

  “Now, why don’t you rest up?” smiled Amy.

  I returned her smile and quickly lay on my bed. Then burying myself back under the covers and closing my eyes, the sounds of their soft voices began fading in the background as I drifted off to sleep.

  Chapter 16

  Confessions

  The next afternoon, the girls did their best to distract me, keeping my mind off Jacob by gossiping about how they did in their exams, when Amy’s phone suddenly rang. We could tell by the look on her face it wasn’t a happy call.

  “That was Matt,” she said. “He knows we came over here last night.”

  “How does he
know that?” I asked.

  “Because the guys went over to Jacob’s to do the same,” said Katie.

  “Our intention was to try and fix things between you and Jacob,” added Nikki. “We didn’t like seeing you guys unhappy and decided to do something about it.”

  “But the difference is that Jacob’s shutting them out,” sighed Amy. “The only thing the guys managed to get out of him was Jacob saying he’ll only talk to you, Jen. They’re coming over to see if maybe seeing you will cheer him up. They only know the gist of what happened between you two from what Matt was able to tell them, so I told them it’d be okay.”

  I didn’t know what to expect and was quite nervous. My stomach felt like it was in knots, knowing I would be seeing Jacob again in just ten minutes. To occupy my mind while we waited for the guys, I went over what I wanted to say. I even tried steeling myself from my emotions and took deep breaths. However, once the doorbell rang, I jumped and flicked an uncertain glance at the girls when Matt walked in.

  “Hey, Jen,” he said, taking a seat beside me. “How’ve you been doing?”

  “I’m fine, I guess,” I said, a little more sullenly than I planned.

  “Well, I guess you know why I’m here and also who I’ve brought along with me.”

  “I don’t know if I can talk to him,” I whispered.

  “Jen, I don’t think it’s as bad as you think,” said Matt.

  “How do you know? You’re not Jacob. You can’t read his mind.”

  “No, I can’t, but I think you should at least hear what he has to say.”

  “How would you know what it might be when Amy just told me that Jacob hadn’t said anything to any of you?”