Always Been You

by Tracy Luu

“Because I’ve known him long enough and can tell when he’s thinking about something important. Just trust me on this, okay?”

  Before I could open my mouth, Matt was off the couch and striding towards the front door. He opened it and Jacob tentatively walked in.

  My heart painfully constricted and it felt like a sharp pain had flooded my entire body when his sombre eyes sought mine out. Almost as if I had fallen into an icy lake.

  “Jacob, I know you’re my cousin, but this is your only chance to make things right so you better not screw it up if you don’t want to lose it,” said Matt.

  Giving Matt a small smile, Jacob then nodded his head and walked into the room.

  “We’ll leave you two alone then,” said Amy, as she, Nikki, and Katie got up from where they were sitting and followed Matt outside to where Devon and Alex probably were.

  Despite everything the girls’ had already told me, a sort of haze still clouded my brain. Everything leaked out so fast I couldn’t remember what I had wanted to say to him as Jacob slowly made his way towards me and sat on the couch.

  After what seemed like an eternity, but was only a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, Jacob suddenly spoke.

  “Jenna, we really need to talk,” he said. “If you feel up to it, let’s go somewhere else, and I will explain everything.”

  For most of the trip, I was quiet and only stared out the car window, paying no heed to where Jacob was taking me. I was too busy trying to anticipate what the outcome of our conversation would be. I was apprehensive about what he had to tell me, but at the same time, I also felt excited. It would be great if everything turned out right. Sadly, there was also this fear that things between us might go the wrong way.

  At one point during the silent ride, I chanced a look at Jacob and almost had a hard time tearing my eyes away. Even when he looked sad, he was still gorgeous.

  His eyes, which were directed on the road, continued to glisten, even though his face looked reserved. His hair was untamed, probably from constantly running his hand through it or from lack of sleep. Almost every end was sticking up in different directions.

  Letting out a soft sigh as I held back the urge to run my fingers through his soft hair to fix it, I turned my head to stare out the window again and forced back a tear.

  Everything that has happened between us seems so clichéd. Except unlike the movie we saw, I wasn’t repulsed by Jacob like the girl had been. Instead, I found that every moment I spent with him, I fell deeper for Jacob. But sadly, there was also this possibility that I already ruined any chance of having my dream come true when I ran away.

  At that thought, a single tear finally escaped my eye and rolled down my cheek. I didn’t wipe it off. Any kind of movement to my face would draw Jacob to turn his head to look at me, and I didn’t want him to see me cry.

  When we reached the bend, turned the corner, and came to a stop, I blinked back the water surrounding my eyes and glanced around. Jacob had brought me to Jericho Park. The sky was overcast, just like it had been on the day of our senior class picnic. But unlike that day, the saltiness of the air seemed more pungent, the clouds were darker, and there was no existence of sun in the sky. As I got out of his car, ironically, we were also back by the group of trees. The same spot where we had that talk regarding the technicalities of our friendship.

  Not bothering to wait for Jacob, I slowly began walking towards the same huge weeping willow by the pond, and ducking under the feather-veined leaves which had grown a few inches from the last time we were here, I then took a seat on the cool grass, leaned back against the moss-covered trunk, and settled my sight on the rolling waves. Jacob joined me a moment later, and a silence fell between us for a few minutes before I finally spoke.

  “How long, Jacob?” I said.

  “Ever since the tenth grade,” he sighed.

  I turned to face him. “And you never said anything all this time?”

  “When I first saw you at the airport, I remember thinking how pretty you were and wondered since you were Matt’s close friend, would you be mine too?” he smiled to himself. “Once we began hanging around a lot, I then enjoyed being around you so much that I started keeping track of where you were just to catch a glimpse of you when we weren’t together.”

  “Yet you still ended up dating Ivy,” I said. “You can’t be trying to tell me you wanted to go out with me instead of her.”

  “You’re right, I wanted to go out with her,” he said, as colour began flooding his cheeks. “At that time, I only liked you as a friend. It wasn’t until you started avoiding me when finally realised I liked you more than that. Seriously, what kind of an idiot doesn’t know he has feelings for someone until after she stops speaking to him?”

  “You tell me,” I grinned in spite of myself.

  “I just did,” he grinned back, but his smile quickly faded from his face. “That’s why I never said anything and kept my feelings about you to myself. I already lost our friendship once before. But when I started seeing Amber, I honestly was afraid you were going to stop talking to me again. I couldn’t believe my luck when you stayed, yet I still feel guilty for going out with someone else instead of you.”

  “To tell you the truth, I stayed because I was over my crush on you, and we were just friends.”

  “What I’m about to tell you might make you change your mind about being my friend.” His hands that had been hanging relaxed between his knees were now clasped together tightly, as if he were about to face something difficult.

  “It can’t be that bad,” I said.

  “It is when I only went out with Amber to test how I really felt about you,” he said with shame. “I know it sounds bad of me for doing this, but I really needed to know how I truly felt before pursuing something with the one I really want. I wanted to make sure it wasn’t just an infatuation. Once Amber and I had that fight over you during Devon’s birthday, I knew right away I still wanted you.”

  “Then why didn’t you break it off with Amber that night if you wanted to be with me?”

  “I did break it off with her that night, but it was after I had dropped her off at her house,” he sighed. “I didn’t tell you because I was scared you might reject me, thinking you were some kind of rebound. And I couldn’t bear that, Jenna. After those excruciating months where we didn’t speak, there was no way I could even last a day without hearing your laugh or seeing your smile. That’s why I pretended I was still seeing her when you came over. I wanted to confess everything to you before I left for Australia, so I knew what was waiting for me when I came home…”

  “And you didn’t because I started seeing Ethan,” I said, watching as Jacob yanked a blade of grass from the ground and twirled it between his fingers.

  “Yes. I knew you were hanging out with him, but I didn’t know you were dating him until I accidentally overheard you telling Nikki about it. So, I backed off again, just like I had done when you went out with Riley. Just so you know, it wasn’t because I didn’t care. It was because I do care. I always want to see you happy. And since you looked so happy talking about Ethan, I decided to let you go. That’s why I left a bit earlier. I figured maybe the trip could help me forget about my feelings for you. If I knew that Ethan is such an ass, I would’ve missed the trip altogether just so I could fight for you until you were mine.”

  I swallowed the lump in my throat as I stared at Jacob, daring not to breathe for the fear of missing anything else.

  “While I was in Australia, no matter how hard I tried to block out my feelings for you, I couldn’t,” he continued. “You were all I thought about the whole time I was away. Even though I couldn’t have you, I didn’t want to lose you in my life again. Therefore, I accepted it and came home looking forward to becoming a true friend to you. And who knows, maybe even a best friend. Why else do you think I got you to pick me and my family up and not Matt?”

  “Because you knew I can’t say no to your mom?”

  “Yes, that too, but I also did i
t because your face was the first thing I really wanted to see once I got back from the trip. But then the next day when you told me you had ended it with Ethan, it felt like I was given one last chance to make it right. It was hard to hide how ecstatic I was feeling. I was even tempted to grab you and kiss you right in front of everyone in the gym. I only restrained myself from doing so only because I thought you probably needed a break after getting out of a relationship. Then an opportunity arose for me when we had gone bowling. That’s why I made that bet. I was hoping you would lose so I could finally kiss you. I was completely disappointed when you beat me.”

  “It’s not my fault I’m naturally gifted, and you’re not,” I teased.

  “Funny,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Anyway, after I had suggested that kiss, I began regretting it and was afraid you might feel awkward around me again. I was happy to see you okay with it. And since I don’t want to ever hide anything from you again, I had better come clean with something else.”

  “What is it?” I asked hesitantly.

  “You probably thought I accidentally stumbled upon you and Aaron at Katie’s, right? Well, I didn’t. I was actually spying on Aaron once I saw the way he was looking at you in Katie’s kitchen. I needed to be close enough to him to hear what he might say to you. And without him, or even you knowing, the rest of that night I followed Aaron everywhere he went to see if he was planning on asking you out. When I overheard you giving him directions to your house, I became jealous. I didn’t want to lose you to someone else.”

  “At that time, I did only think of you as a friend,” I said.

  “I figured that must’ve been it since you did accept a date with him,” Jacob said, sounding bitter. “I was so upset about it that during that same weekend, I chose to stay in when the guys had invited me to watch a movie. I needed to think thoroughly about a lot of things. When I was in my room, I knew I shouldn’t have treated you so coldly and regretted doing it. I still do. I should have helped you rather than push you farther away. I just didn’t want you to be with him. I was greedy, Jenna. I was even ready to fight for you if you and Aaron became a couple. That’s why whenever you hung out with everyone I always made sure I was there. I wanted to be with you as much as I could.”

  “I’m glad you didn’t punch Aaron like you did Jack, but if you wanted to fight for me, then why did you walk away from us at the movies that night?”

  “I was still afraid of what you would say to me if I did ask you out,” he sighed. “I really am sorry I was such an ass to you. It just wasn’t fair that he was allowed to date you, yet I couldn’t because it might jeopardise our friendship if you said no to me. But when I was about to make it up to you the first time I was a prick, Halloween happened.”

  “So the real reason you chose me to help you is because…”

  “Besides knowing you’re the only one I really trusted, I figured it was also a perfect way to prove to you that I wasn’t going anywhere and that I didn’t want any other girl,” he said, shifting closer. “True, I agreed to let you dress me up as a Spice Girl because I felt bad for treating you the way I did, but I also did it because I wanted to see how comfortable I am around you. That reminds me. How did you convince your dad to lend you those implants?”

  “I really didn’t have to do much convincing on my part. I only got your name out when he agreed to lend me those things.”

  “How come?”

  “Let’s just say my dad likes you just as much as your mom likes me.”

  “Are you telling me that we both have parents’ approval if we do decide to date?”

  “Do you not remember what my mom said to you?”

  “I already know your mom wants me to date you. I just didn’t know your dad feels the same way. You’re his only daughter.”

  “Well you don’t need to worry about that.”

  “To continue with my story,” he grinned. “Um, where was I?”

  “I think we’re up to Christmas,” I said.

  “Ah, yes, our first kiss. Remind me I owe those two idiots a huge favour.”

  “Why do you owe them a favour?”

  “If it wasn’t for Matt and Alex, I wouldn’t have been able to kiss you,” he explained. “It was sheer luck that I didn’t have to make a lame excuse to convince you. I was even happier with the way you responded back. And that’s where your necklace comes in. It’s with the intention of trying to let you know I was interested, and for you to have something from me that would be close to you always.”

  “Amy figured out the same thing,” I said.

  “She is definitely way too clever,” he sighed. “But I am glad you’re still wearing it, even after what happened between us.”

  “Why would you say that?”

  “I thought you would have given it back to me since you were so angry at me.”

  My eyes began to prickle with tears, and I quickly looked away.

  “I really am sorry for hurting you when I ran away,” I whispered.

  Jacob placed his hand on my shoulder, but he didn’t try to turn me around to face him. He just left his hand there, periodically squeezing my shoulder lightly as I composed myself. Once I wiped the tear that escaped my eye, and swallowed to rid the lump lodged in my throat, I turned back to Jacob and the lump came back when he grabbed my hand and smiled.

  “Like I said, Jenna, I can never hate you,” he said. “Anyway, after that Valentine’s came, and I really wanted to share it with you. Not as a friend, but with someone that I was deeply interested in. I just got lucky again that I was able to accompany you after dealing with that jackass.”

  “You want me to also remind you to say thanks to Ethan for making it so you could spend Valentine’s with me?”

  “That one’s definitely out of the question, unless I can pound him in the face.”

  “As much as I hate him, I can’t release you on him either. And that puppy dog look of yours isn’t going to change my mind either.”

  “Darn,” he grumbled playfully.

  “Now back to what we were talking about,” I grinned. “Is that why you made that excuse about me redeeming my win from our bet?”

  “Of course,” he grinned back. “When I gave you the roses, I was afraid you might look at me differently. I didn’t want to ruin what I’ve managed between us so far. That’s why I didn’t sign my name on the letter. I had to work at this really carefully, Jenna. You mean too much to me. And without even knowing it, you became my best friend too. But then just when I was getting enough courage to finally ask you out, something else happened.”

  “Hannah and her group,” I whispered.

  “Yes,” he sighed, idly playing with my fingers. “Once I heard you telling me about those vicious lies they’ve been spreading about you because we’re friends, I was afraid it would get worse because I wanted you. It wouldn’t have been fair for you to have to deal with all that shit. Therefore, I backed off once more.”

  “And now we’re up to that weird conversation while shopping for Matt’s gift,” I said.

  “We are, but what you don’t know is that I was actually glad that those annoying girls had followed us.”

  “Why would you be happy with that?”

  “Because I got to hold you,’ he sighed happily. “I just remembered there’s another thing I need you to remind me.”

  “What’s that?”

  “I need to apologise for the way how I acted to Aaron that night.”

  “Then I guess I should tell you that you probably will get a chance to tell Aaron yourself.”

  “Oh? And when exactly will I get a chance to tell him?” asked Jacob.

  “Well, according to him, it’s when he becomes a guest at our wedding,” I smirked.

  “A…anyway,” he stuttered, his cheeks flaming red, “after you told me you and Aaron were going to be just friends, I was thinking of asking you out right there, but then Amber showed up.”

  “At least you finally got to tell her how you really felt about her,
” I grinned back.

  “I know,” he said. “But let’s not ruin the moment and talk about her, alright?”

  “No problem.”

  “So things were going smoothly until I showed you my room—”

  “And you tripped me,” I interrupted.

  “I only tripped you because you were laughing at me,” he grumbled. “But when I saw our position while I was tickling you, I couldn’t help it and had to kiss you. When you kissed back, I thought I had died and was in heaven until you pulled away. After I saw your expression, I thought I did something I shouldn’t have done and didn’t know what to do at that point. That’s why I chose to pretend our kiss didn’t happen when we went on the Ferris wheel. I even hoped we would still be friends and thought you were thinking along the same line.”

  “And now we’re up to Sunday,” I said.

  “Yes,” he sighed, rubbing his thumb against my knuckles. “Jenna, you have every right to be mad at me. I shouldn’t have overreacted the way I did. Except once I heard you tell me that you weren’t mine to begin with, it hit me hard. I didn’t want to watch my only chance slipping away because I was too chicken to tell you my real feelings. That’s why I went after you. I was so scared. I thought I lost you forever. I didn’t want to lose you over something stupid that I did. Once I heard your side, I then did what I could do to make things right between us. I already was planning on kissing you, even before I confessed everything to you. I didn’t care about the consequences of my actions. It felt right and I honestly believed that was what you wanted too. That night, I even spilt to my mom for probably an hour about how much I liked you. But, Jenna, if I did something wrong to hurt you, I really am sorry.”

  “You’ve done nothing wrong since I should be the one apologising,” I said, redirecting my eyes to the waves lapping against the shore. “I just feel so bad for walking away after you told me how you felt.”

  “Please don’t blame yourself for that, Jenna,” he said. “It doesn’t even bother me. I was afraid I was the one pressuring you too fast into a relationship with me and figured that’s why you left. I want to be with you, but if you aren’t ready yet, I’m willing to wait until you are. That’s why I’ve been trying to talk to you all week. I meant every word when I said I want to be with you.”