Because It's Not Love

by Kitty Parker

  I decided that he might not want me anymore, well what more explanation could top that? With a heavy sigh and a heavy heart I showered quickly and got into a pair of his shirt and a sweat pant. My hair was in a ponytail and I looked at my reflection, I looked so weird in these big clothes. Although it was much better than wearing a blue sparkly dress in the morning.

  "Come on." He said quickly as he grabbed his car keys from the table and stalked out. God what was wrong with him? Ugh, stupid boy. I took a last bite of my apple and threw it away before following him outside to his oh so cool car. I decided to steal a pair of his big flip flops and wore them while I held the bag of my dress and my high heels shoes. I climbed inside his car and the journey to my house was…so awkward.

  Oh how I wanted to jump out and leave him alone, obviously he was having a bad mood. It was like there was a big thunder cloud above his head. I quickly unbuckled my seat belt when we finally arrived at my house I stormed out of his car only to find him following my steps behind. Oh so he was going to follow me? I ignored him too and walked inside my house passing the kitchen even though my mom called my name. I went straight inside my room and slammed the door hoping for him to hear how I could too be mad!

  Even though I didn't know why the hell I was quite angry too.

  Okay, maybe I knew a little why he was pissing me off. Maybe big. Well why wouldn't I be angry too? We kissed so beautifully last night. Like seriously, that was the first time I felt kissing a person so emotionally.

  Oh god, it was worse.

  It was like I was throwing myself at him. I really did want him to have sex with me last night but he said no. Well he didn't exactly say no but he did push me away a bit. I kind of feel rejected…maybe because every time he wanted sex I gave him all of everything! Why do guys have an upper hand about relationship? Just because of one stupid guy I was going crazy. He could make me do things I have never done and he could change my emotions so easily from happy to sad, angry and crushed. He could be so annoying sometimes but so lovable at times.

  Wait, lovable? As in…Love?

  My eyes went wide and my cheeks went red when I heard the door of my room opening. I turned around in case it was Carson…but it was somebody else.

  My brother.

  "Hey, we need to talk."

  Do I Dare

  "Hey, we need to talk."

  I blinked my eyes at the sight of Nick for a while before I sighed heavily and sat on my bed. He closed the door behind him and walked carefully toward me as he avoided any eye contact. I wouldn't blame him, I was also trying to not look into his eyes that just looked like my own one and this really felt weird. He grabbed a chair from my desk and sat in front of me, not too near though. I glanced up and finally met his gaze silently.

  "So…"

  This was so awkward! My brother and I never had a serious talk like this. We would only joke around and make fun of each other and not discussing on the events of both of us screwing each others best friends. Meh...

  He played with his watch, a habit he usually do when he gets nervous. He then leaned on the chair he was sitting on. "I'm just going to start from the start."

  I nodded and insisted for him to continue. He sighed and looked away. "Well, uh, I slept with Lisa on Friday night—"

  "On Friday night?"

  "—and you slept with Carson since god forbid when."

  I cleared my throat of how guilty I felt. "Do we really have to talk about this?"

  "Look, I hate it when we have big serious conversation as much as you do but I also hate it when we avoid this talk which eventually turns out that we won't talk with each other ever again. How am I supposed to annoy and tease you if we never talk again?"

  I smacked him with a pillow near me and glared at him. He was such a typical annoying big brother who just love to irritate his younger sister. "That is not helping."

  "Look at it this way, the sooner we discuss this the faster this will end."

  I sighed and crossed my arm. "Fine."

  "Fine."

  Silence embraced us. I glanced toward the clock and then back at Nick who was still looking at me. I frowned and gave him a look.

  "Well go on, start first." He demanded with a look of 'Hello I'm older than you so you have to do as I say.' I rolled my eyes at him.

  "Nu-uh, I saw you with Lisa last night."

  "You slept with Carson long before I slept with Lisa."

  "But you're the older one here!"

  "Well for your information last night I didn't spend the night with Lisa, I came home waiting for you and worrying about you."

  "Well you shouldn't have worried about me; I can take care of myself."

  He snorted at me. God, I thought we were supposed to finish this quickly. "Oh yeah? Coming home in the morning wearing guys clothes is taking care of yourself? I didn't even know you liked Kyle all over again that much."

  "Well for your information, I went to Carson's place last night."

  I shut my mouth and closed my eyes, I wasn't helping myself very much was I? What was wrong with my damn mouth? The awkwardness around us became thicker and thicker by the second. The only thing that was clearly heard in our ears was the ticking sound of the clock on the ceiling. I opened my eyes and glanced back at Nick...but his expression was unreadable.

  This really had to end. Being the one that (technically, I think) started all this first, I should probably start apologizing now.

  "Look, I'm sorry for everything okay." I sighed. "I'm sorry that I slept with one of your closest friend and kept it a secret. I'm sorry that I had to hide behind your back, I'm sorry."

  Nick looked at me seriously. "Why did you hide it away from me?"

  Oh god, I was reveling everything now to my dear brother. "We're going to talk about it now so I'm not going to lie anymore. After I slept with him, we had a thing called friends for benefits," I heard Nick snort and ignored him. I continued on. "It was weird and unrealistic, not to mention foolish. It went on like that until I realized I was…well am…kind of falling for him."

  "You like Carson?"

  I shrugged and gave him a weak laugh. "Well I don't know, maybe."

  He smiled and nodded at me. "Go on."

  "And then out of nowhere the bet started, the bet that I was telling you yesterday. And well…that's about it I guess. Yesterday night I didn't want to see you yet because you were, well, you kind of called me a slut," I saw him opening his mouth but I waved him off. "I know you didn't mean it and I forgive you, I really do. It's just hurts...you know? My own brother saying those kind of things to me."

  Nick sighed and leaned closer to me. "Oh Maggie, you don't know how sorry I am."

  "It's okay, really."

  He shook his head. "It's not. I'm terribly sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I was just...caught off guard and said whatever that flashed through my head."

  I nodded silently. "So, what's up with you and Lisa?"

  He grinned at me and leaned forward casting a look of pure glee on his face. I had to raise my eyebrow. "Something happened, something good."

  And then it hit me, they were in love. They must be! I could tell by the glint in his eyes when I mentioned her name and the way his smile grew bigger as he thought of something. They had sex because they actually had feelings for each other, unlike me. I felt sick at the pit of my stomach.

  I looked away, why was it really happening? When everything seemed so complicated and bizarre between Carson and I...my best friend was already ahead of me with my own brother. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for her, for my brother and of course for both of them altogether. Nick might break a lot of women hearts but now as I observed him again with a giant grin on his face I conclude that he liked Lisa...a lot.

  Knowing Lisa quite long I know she felt the same. She had to. I remember on sophomore year when she told me that she hated and would never have feelings for the paper boy that came to her house every morning…but then I found them holding hands one day at the pa
rk. He was in fact the boy who took her virginity.

  I laughed at that time; it was funny how every time Lisa was caught she ended up liking the guy so much. Although the paper boy moved away and was never heard of again I knew there would be something more with Nick. It was funnier to think that they were head over heels since Friday…or maybe I didn't know how long they liked each other.

  "Well, congratulation then."

  Nick frowned at last from his nonstop grinning. "Huh?"

  I tilted my head and smiled. "It looks like you're going to have a steady girlfriend after all."

  He looked at me vacantly and I thought he wasn't going to move anymore until he returned my smile gradually. We stared at each other, getting these weird thoughts about Lisa being my sister-in-law. I giggled to myself and sighed, crashing myself on my bed as I stared at the white ceiling.

  "Carson's not as bad as you think you know."

  Oh god I thought our conversation was over! I groaned and covered my face with a pillow. "I'm not in the mood."

  "Hey that's not fair, we talked about me till the end, right? I'm thankful that you're giving me your blessings, shouldn't I be giving mine to you too?"

  I snorted. "Blessings for what? To let me sleep with your best friend anytime I want to?"

  "Like I said, Carson's not as bad as you think."

  I sat up and looked at my brother with disbelieve. "You do realize he's a man with big sexual needs with no feelings?"

  Nick rolled his eyes. "Okay, he might be a little like that—"

  "A little? Don't you mean a lot?"

  "And yet you sleep with him."

  I looked up at the ceiling as if I was trying to come across to whoever ruled this world. "I ask the same question myself."

  Nick sighed and I gazed back at him. "Look, I know I hate his ways with women but in a funny way and not to mention amusing, I think he changed."

  I snorted again at my brother's sense of humor. "You think he changed?"

  "Yeah, don't you think so?"

  I nodded sarcastically. "Sure, yeah."

  He stood up and stared at me warily with a devious smirk on his face. "Just think about it, he hasn't slept with anyone or hung out with any girl this couple of days."

  "Well duh, he's taking the bet seriously."

  "Stop thinking about the bet, it's kind of a stupid bet and you know it. And didn't you spend the night at his place yesterday?" I felt a tingling feeling and blushed softly while I nodded. "See? I know that Carson doesn't like to have sex in his personal space and you're the only one who has."

  I stared angrily at my brother and stood up as well, finally knowing where this was going. "You're not saying he changed because of me, are you?"

  "Well-"

  "Please don't continue. We all know that that is not possible." I smirked at him afterward. "And by the way, I didn't have sex with him last night; we just stayed on his bed and sleep. See? Sleep." I explained smugly at him.

  Okay, I didn't mention the part where I actually lost my virginity in his room but my brother didn't have to know that. I thought what I said was right so this would end quickly...but my brother's eyes went big and it seemed like he was so stunned his eyes could fall out any minute now. "You and Carson slept like...fully asleep on the same bed without having sex?"

  I nodded and stared at him oddly, what the hell was the big deal? Wasn't that supposed to be a good thing?

  "Holly shit, Maggie! He's in love with you!"

  I rolled my eyes. "He's not in lo—WHAT?"

  Suddenly I felt my heart beat sped up uncontrollably and my palms become sweatier even more. I watched Nick who was as taken aback as I was and I felt dizzy, I must look pale. What was wrong with me? Carson couldn't (or wouldn't) love any girl, especially me. So why the hell was I getting anxious just by the thought of it? Oh dear god. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "Carson is not in love with me."

  Even my voice didn't sound so confident.

  "Oh my god, this is big shit," I heard Nick murmur.

  "This isn't even shit! Why are you making this a big deal? We didn't have sex because he was…uh…keeping the bet! Yeah, the bet!" I winced at how ridiculous it sounded.

  Nick thought the same, unfortunately. My brother gave me a look. "Please forget that stupid bet; this is Carson we're talking about. He never says no to sex with a girl in a same room as him and you were in his bedroom where you guys didn't even have sex…did he..." Nick made a face. "…hug you to sleep?"

  I didn't know why I was having this kind of conversation with Nick but I found myself shrugging nonchalantly. Of course, whatever I did made Nick wild again. "No fucking way!"

  I rolled my eyes. "Look, it isn't a big deal. Stop acting like a woman and get out of my room."

  "But he's in love with you, I just know it. I can even feel it 'cause he's my best friend and I am never wrong about him." Nick crossed his arms. Okay, this just got out of hand.

  "You sound like Lisa." I said dryly and pushed him away leading him to my dearest door awaiting for him.

  Nick gave me a grin past his shoulder. "Why thank you."

  "And it's not a good thing, well for me anyway. You guys are already in love it makes me sick." I opened the door and waited for him to go but he simply turned around and stared at me seriously. I felt uneasy; I hate it when I feel nervous because of my brother. I feel like such a little sister…which I am, but you know what I mean.

  "Think about it, ask him if you want."

  I sighed and leaned on my door glancing at the stairs. Ask him? No way, he might have even heard us the whole time. Oh the thought of it made me even sicker. "No, and don't say anything to him. Please."

  Nick went silent for a while before he nodded slowly. "Okay. But you might want to know that whatever comes between the two of you, you guys have my blessing." He then snickered and easily walked away.

  I watched his back as he went down the stairs. "I'm not even going to think about it!"

  * * *

  I couldn't stop thinking about it.

  Oh sweet torture from god, this was killing me.

  I really couldn't stop myself from thinking about it since the day Nick left my room and that was like 5 days ago. I knew the whole inception thing was real! Nick might have done it when I was in deep sleep this entire time, stupid brother and the way of how he controlled my mind.

  I mean like really, did he actually have feelings for me? Was he really feeling the L word towards me? Did I really change his bad ways around women and did I really have control of his 'manhood' these days? My brain was about to pop out because of many stupid unworthy questions.

  I rolled my eyes; I was so going to kill Nick when I see him later. I dropped my head in my hands and screamed silently, cursing everything that has happened to me this couple of days. Just thinking about one guy that might not worth your time could really do you good…or perhaps in this reality, could do you so bad.

  "What's up, sexy?"

  I cringed at Lisa's nickname for me and looked up to see a large grin on her face. I looked at the person beside her and followed down to their hands that were tangled together tightly like a big fat bow. I groaned inwardly and dropped my head in my hands again. I heard Nick chuckle under his breath. "What got in to you?"

  I shrugged and shook my head. Why was this happening so fast? It was just like a two weeks ago and not exactly months since I lost my virginity and now my brother was dating my best friend. Really, I should've known something like this would happen.

  After the talk we had in my room I called Lisa afterward. We talked a few minutes until she hung up on me and before I knew it, she was on my doorstep. We talked and she apologized, we hugged and she cried, I laughed and she smacked me. It was fine really, the closest people around me dating.

  It was Friday already and in this loud cafeteria I felt like I wasn't really alive. People were laughing and chattering while I was stuck here with my brother and best friend ogling at each other when I was thinking
about one certain guy. I avoided him all day long while he…well he did the same. In fact, he was kind of a jackass. Like before when I was on my way to the cafeteria, there I saw him sucking on a girl's icky red lipstick lips against the lockers. Really? Who would wear bright red lipstick to school? Stupid whore.

  I knew he saw me 'cause he looked up then and smirked arrogantly before sticking down his tongue down her throat again. I glared at the couple. Although the girl was kissing him back...and I thought kissing somebody should've been with eyes closed and really enjoying it (well that was exactly what I did with Carson, but whatever) but the girl merely opened her eyes and looked at me. Oh just by the look in her eyes it was like screaming 'ha-ha, I won Carson'. They do make a really good couple.

  And then I recognized her as the girl who Carson kissed ages ago in the cafeteria. My stomach went weird and I turned around, muttering to myself how stupid I was getting into this situation. He probably broke his bet by now; well it was stupid after all. So why the question of him loving me was was making me so curios?

  I groaned again and sat up straight, I wasn't going to let one guy do this to me. This was why I hate friends for benefits.

  "What's wrong?" Lisa caught my hand and looked at me with concern; I shook my head and turned to Nick who was actually grinning from ear to ear. That bastard.

  "What did I tell you?" He asked oh so confidently.

  I glared at him hard. "Why? Why are you doing this to me?"

  Lisa looked at us both curiously. "What's going on?"

  "I told her that Carson loves her but she won't believe me so I told her to ask him herself."

  Lisa turned to me and stared at me carefully. "Well, did you?"

  "Did I what?"

  "Ask him."

  I looked at her weirdly and stood up, giving her a look of 'What the hell were you thinking?'. "Of course not! That would probably happen when the end of the world has come."

  She laughed and sat me down again. She looked at me briefly before looking across the room where Carson was sitting with his gang of whores and stupid jocks. Nick was supposed to be sitting with them but he decided to sit with Lisa. See? Nick could be quite a gentleman sometimes. Lisa finally looked back at me and smiled softly. "You know, you're too enchanted on thinking if he loves you or not."