Because It's Not Love

by Kitty Parker

  I raised my eye brow. "What do you mean?"

  "The big question is; do you love him?"

  Oh god, I don't wanna answer that.

  No wait, do I really have to answer that?

  Lost for Words

  And then a week later I found myself sulking even deeper...eating ice cream as I started to realize that he was never going to talk to me ever again. My mood could be described by the loud music I was listening too, dull and loud and not making any sense. I never really liked heavy metal song like this...but somehow it was a good partner for my mood now.

  Oh how I wish I would have never met Carson in my life. I was pathetic enough to think about that bastard for another horrible week thinking that he might be off screwing some chick in his room. I frowned at the awful thought, bringing a spoonful of delicious ice cream in my mouth.

  At least I wasn't watching some romance movie or crying…or eating chocolate (I was eating a strawberry flavor ice cream now, one of my guilty pleasures). Somehow since the stupid bet had happened I couldn't stand a glance at chocolate. Okay, that was kind of a lie. I couldn't stand chocolate when he ignored me last week which of course made me mad for no reason and a little part of me wanted to punch him over and over again.

  Oh who was I kidding? There were of course other reasons why I wanted to punch him. I could even write it down now!

  On second thought...huh, there was actually no better thing for me to do! I sighed as I sat down my ice cream, grabbed a piece of paper and a pen. At times like these I wish I kept a diary with me.

  WHY I WANT TO PUNCH CARSON IN THE FACE (AND MANY OTHER SPOT)

  Why the hell is he still avoiding me? Hey, I avoided him for a really fantastic wonderful superb sweet reason. Who the hell would sleep with somebody one night and ignore them the next few days, or in my case: two weeks? And it wasn't even a one-night stand! He's acting like a jerk; I can't help it.

  He was still ignoring me. Can you believe that? I mean sure, I was doing my best to ignore him as well but hello? He's the man here, girls never start first (I think so). Gah, he's unbelievable sometimes.

  I bet by now he broke the bet. I know this might be the most stupid bet on earth but between the two of us (The jackass and I), I bet I could hold the bet longer. I haven't touched any kind of chocolate and I see him every day with whores around him begging on their knees for his pleasure. Seriously, he has been seen around with girls every day at school. I don't know if they actually 'did it'…oh who am I kidding again?

  He's been making out with girls in the hallway, especially with that Amanda chick. Or is it Annabelle? I've been dreaming about red lipstick for days and I shudder every time the picture of her kissing Carson while staring deadly into my blue eyes…sure he's been with many different girls but Amanda…she is like a glue to him. And doesn't she feel angry every time Carson's off with another slut and then back with her again? Oh my god she really is a slut. What the hell does Carson see in her anyway? Stupid red lipstick. This reason is for punching Amanda as well.

  He's still way too good looking. And well. I kinda…oh god, Hold your horses, people! I kind of think I…well, in a funny way I think I…have a little feeling of missing him…..and I want to, uh, I dunno…kiss him again maybe? I'm glad nobody's gonna read this—

  "I've shouted like a thousand times to shut the music down—ooooh what's that?" Nick smirked at me and eyed the now crushed paper in my hand. I shoved the paper underneath my pillow and quickly lied down. My face was so red I was even ashamed of myself.

  "What are you talking about?" I asked casually, trying to act as nonchalant as I could be.

  My brother's smirk became a wide grin. "You don't happen to; by any chance, have a diary do you?"

  "Pfft, of course not." I wasn't lying...well technically. A piece of paper of my feelings wasn't a diary right?

  He just shook his head and gave me this evil look. Oh my god, I bet he would sneak into my room without me here and find this paper. Ugh! Why did I even write this anyway?

  "Oh really?" Nick smirked again.

  I have to burn the paper.

  "Why are you here again?" I asked quickly.

  That seemed to get Nick's mind off of the crushed paper and his face went a little angrier than before. Talk about mood swings. "Your music is killing me. It's making my blood go running out through my beautiful ears." I rolled my eyes at how sarcastic my brother was. "I didn't even know you liked this kind of song…and look at yourself, you look like shit." He walked over toward my table and turned off the music I wasn't even sure I knew the meaning of.

  "Okay, are you here to shut my music down or are you here to insult the way I look?"

  "Just look at yourself, eating ice cream and listening to loud music while writing in your little diary—"

  "It's not a diary!"

  "—you really look like some depressed girl waiting for the man of her dreams. No wait; please don't tell me you're like this because of my best friend?"

  I blushed, damn it I blushed! Blushing just gets your image down or your lying getting even worse. Either way, it was not a good thing to do when your brother mentioned the guy you have been stressing out, trust me.

  Nick laughed out loud, which kind of hurt my feelings since he was laughing at his little sister who seemed to be in major confusion about her love life while she looked like shit. "Oh god this so classic, it's so funny seeing you depressed because of Carson."

  I gave him a fake smile. "Well I'm glad you find this amusing." I grabbed a pillow and threw it at him and thankfully, it hit him right on his stupid face. That was fun; maybe what I needed was a punch bag. I think my brother wouldn't mind, I asked him this but he only answered me with a flash of his wide grin.

  "Nope." He answered with a pop at the end. "Tonight will be an amusing night, the darker the night is it will be my part of amusement."

  "What are you up to now?" I eyed him curiously.

  He smirked at me and threw back the pillow that I hit him. "You don't mind if I have a friend of mine spending a night here do you?"

  "Uh, no. You always have friends here...why are you asking me now?"

  He didn't answer me and just merely gave me a knowing look. I thought hard what he meant as he walked out of my room without closing the door. I stared blankly at thin air trying to figure out what he meant by that.

  Oh god, then hit me. It hit me really bad.

  I rushed out to his room beside mine and walked in without knocking, glaring at him who was standing in the middle of his room with his arms crossed and a sly smile on his face. He knew I was going to come here!

  "I can't believe Carson's going to sleep over here!"

  I couldn't believe this! Why the hell would he sleep at our house? Didn't he have that big mansion of his? Well it wasn't like our house wasn't big enough but come on, why did he want to torture me? Nick rolled his eyes. "He's actually here for a project."

  "SO? You go to his house, just don't let him step inside this house." Really, what was he thinking? Carson I mean, not my brother. Why would he want to do a project here?

  "We've been doing projects in his house lately and we're getting kind of bored so…" He trailed off as he watched me muttering words. I mean really, I wasn't in the mood to talk to Carson right now. Our relationship was getting weirder every day since he left me confused by his action.

  I heard Nick sigh heavily. "Look, he's been in our house a couple of times. It's not really a big deal."

  I glared at him hard. "It is when you find all of this so amusing!"

  Nick laughed again, realizing that seeing me like this was entertaining for him. Well at least somebody was entertained here. "You're right; this is going to be fun. And you could ask the 'love' question to him tonight, right?"

  I groaned loudly and went back to my room, deciding tonight would be the night of a live preview from hell with the devil himself.

  Think, Maggie, think! You're smarter than you think so think of a way to get out of this
place.

  The only thing I could think of was to get away from here.

  * * *

  "Cheer up, Wilson! You know what they say, you can run but you can't hide."

  Like I didn't know that.

  I scowled at my so-called best friend and pretended I didn't hear what she said and just continued driving the car. We were on our way back to my house, YES, my house.

  Talk about running away.

  You're probably wondering why I was in my mom's car with Lisa, driving back to my wonderful suited house with a hideous guy inside it at dinner time. Short story, in the afternoon after I figured out that he was sleeping over there I stole my mother's car keys while she was in the kitchen and after waiting for the right time, I finally escaped. I did quite a good job driving to Lisa's place because I decided that I wanted to get away from my house so what could be a better idea than me sleeping over at Lisa's?

  Except…when I got there Lisa was already mad at me. Why? Because when I was on my way there my mom found out that her car was stolen by her daughter and she called Lisa. Let's just say that mom wasn't happy about it.

  Because I was upset as well, I stayed at Lisa's until dinner and went back home. But hey, if I couldn't stay at Lisa's the I might as well bring her with me.

  I promised mom that I'd be home at night because she wouldn't let me escape there and saying on the phone: 'I would've let you stay there but you stole my car and taking it without my permission, not a good thing to do to your mother, did you really think I would be fine with you stealing my car?…'

  Blah blah blah.

  Mom's kind of a drama queen so I know better not to fight her. Why do mothers never understand their children when we really need their support the most? Like running away from a certain asshole?

  I sighed as I saw my driveway and parked the car, spotting another gorgeous sports car sitting silently not that far. Oh god, Carson was already here. I groaned loudly and laid my head on the stirring wheel with my arms around it. This was going to be nightmare.

  "Maggie, you're being such a drama queen right now and I don't like it one bit." Although Lisa's voice was bubbly, I could hear the annoyance in her voice.

  I shook my head. "I know...and I hate it. This isn't me and all I want to do is curl up into a ball and sleep all this shit off."

  "Yeah! Where's the Maggie I know? Where's the Maggie that would never let a guy to be a problem in her life?"

  "She changed, she is now in love and all she can think about is how a guy is now the center of all her life."

  I heard her giggle. "You have a dry sense of humor, you know that?"

  I looked up and sat straight, giving my best friend in the whole wide world a look. "You're supposed to support me, you're the best friend here Lisa!"

  She rolled her eyes and unbuckled her seat belt. "Well whether you like it or not, drama is a part of life and you know I'm always here for you. I'm sorry I said all that stuff, what I really mean is if Carson's sees you all depressed because of him then he'll annoy you till no end, smirking and all that kind of stuff."

  I sighed, she was right. I didn't want Carson to see me like this because of him. It might be true that I was acting weird enough because of him but no way was he going to have the pleasure to know with all his egotistical personality. "You're right, I should just probably get inside that house with my chin held up high because I am fine, I am more than fine, I am terrific!"

  I threw my fist in the air and got out of the car, walking around it and heading toward the front door while Lisa followed suit. Thank god she was here; being a total great best friend she didn't want to leave me dealing with him alone so she decided to crash over at my place. I was more than welcome.

  Well except a little part of me knew that she wanted to see my brother all along but I shrugged it off. At least she was here, right?

  "Ready?"

  I nodded eagerly. "Ready."

  I was so nervous I could pee any second now. I opened the door and stepped inside with Lisa following behind. After she closed the door quietly we stood there in the hallway in silence, listening to our surroundings. It felt like we were in the jungle, trying to listen if any predators were watching us so we could run away for good. I rolled my eyes at the thought. We walked slowly in the hall way and stopped as we heard noises from the kitchen. It seemed that whoever was there in that place...was actually talking about…well me.

  "Shh!" I waved a hand in front of Lisa. Lisa nodded her head and we both pressed our ears on the wall.

  "Can you believe that girl? She tried to steal my car, sometimes I think she's a bit of a lunatic than I am when I was her age." I gasped silently, turning to Lisa. I couldn't believe mom was talking about me being a lunatic!

  "Really mom? Stealing your mother's car is worse than getting pregnant before marriage?"

  I smirked, my brother really knew a good come back. I mentally noted to give him a super tight hug later on. I knew he would always have my back!

  I heard mom gasp. "Well if that didn't happen then you wouldn't be here, now would you cutie pie?"

  I cringed at mom using the word 'cutie pie' and imagined Nick's face going all disgusted. Glancing back I saw Lisa wrinkling her nose and mouthed, 'Cutie pie?'

  I shrugged and turned back to concentrate on the voices that were only separated by a wall. Did they really not hear the car or saw the light of the car coming cross our driveway? They must be so intrigued on talking about me.

  "But I've got to admit, she is acting quite strange these days."

  Oh my god, the picture of Carson having dinner with mom and Nick was such a blur to me. I felt shivers going down my spine and all I could feel was how long I had heard his masculine voice in days. Sure I hear him at school sometimes, talking to Nick from afar or when he was just passing by the hallway. But this, how his voice was so thick and utterly delicious by the sound of it separated just by a wall made my stomach do some things I never thought they could do. Just by that sentence I could feel my knees weakening and my palm became sweaty again. I didn't know if a voice could sound so yummy.

  Nick stifled a chuckle. "I heard that she was trying to avoid a certain somebody."

  I gasped in audible. I couldn't believe Nick was saying all of this...he wasn't going to get a tight hug after all. Good god I could imagine Carson lifting his lips and nodding in agreement with a huge smirk on his face. Why did I ever think to have sex with him again?

  "Ooh, do I know who?" I heard mom asking the boys curiously.

  "Mom, I think you already know all along."

  There was silence before mom decided to speak up again. "I don't know, I haven't seen Maggie with anyone else...though there is a guy she has mentioned a while ago. But she never tells me his name."

  Why were they talking behind my back again? Then I heard Lisa whispering beside me. "I can't believe you're just letting them talk about you like that, this has to stop."

  "Shut up, Lisa. I wanna hear—OUCH!"

  I thought she was my best friend! Best friends do not push their best friend into a group of tigers in the jungle, who knew they might tackle you? And that king tiger sitting at the head of the table—wait, what? He was sitting at the head of the table?

  Like I said, blushing just gave it all away.

  It took all of my courage to face my mom; surprised to see me all of a sudden. Nick was grinning at me and trying so hard not to laugh his ass off. Then finally, there was the tiger king himself; he didn't even seem nervous just by one bit. In fact, he was quite smiling at me. Wait, a smile?

  "Hey…everybody. Uh, here's your key mom." I put it on the counter beside me and felt my cheeks burning harder every second. I wish dad was here, he could've at least lightened the mood around here, especially in this situation.

  "And I'm going to my room now." I felt clumsy all of a sudden.

  Mom raised her eyebrow. "Wait, you're not going to have dinner?"

  "Nah, I'm full, ate at Lisa's." And by that I turned around and
headed toward the stairs.

  Behind me I could hear Lisa stepping into the scene. "Hey Mrs. Wilson, I hope you don't mind me staying here for the night. Oh hey Nick, hey Car—ow!" I grabbed her by the arm and pulled her up stairs to my bedroom. Ugh, so much about dignity when you just humiliated yourself back there.

  "Lisa I can't believe you just did that!" I groaned loudly when we were finally in my room. I paced around the room and then headed to my closet, changing into my pajamas. I threw Lisa some clothes to use for sleeping 'cause we always borrow each others clothes when we sleepover.

  "Oh don't be such a baby."

  "But—"

  "If I didn't do that, imagine the things they could say about you."

  I pouted and decided to forget it ever happened.

  We stayed in my room doing everything we could think off; gossiping, painting our nails in different colors, reading magazines, trying on some clothes I had in my closet but never wore, singing and dancing all together. I made excuses to not go out of my room in case I bumped into him out in the hallway and Lisa…well she kind of got tired for telling me that I was acting like a drama queen so she gave up and stayed with me here. We were here all night and my mom even checked on us later on, bringing us some snacks and drinks when she realized I wouldn't be coming out from here until Carson leaves this house.

  We finally called it a night around one o'clock and turned off the lights, settling on my bed. The clock was ticking away and I found myself staring at the ceiling. I hate insomnia. It would never do you good because you'd get all sleepy the next day. I was the one fidgeting now on my bed, turning from left to right and vice versa. Every time I couldn't sleep it was usually because I had a lot of things in my mind. True, true. I placed a hand underneath my pillow and felt something rough and crushed…oh god, I didn't burn that paper yet did I? What if my brother already read it when I was gone?