Hearts' Desires

by Anke Napp

  “When I was cast for this movie, I felt old and over the hill, I felt I was just a stand in, the second hand replacement for the actor you really wanted for the role. But I didn’t count you in, Alison. Working with you, getting to know you, has changed everything. I feel alive, strong again, hopeful. I feel like a young man falling in love for the first time, falling in love with the most exciting and wonderful woman I’ve ever met. I do love you, Alison.”

  She turned around, her head spinning while looking into his eyes. Those beautiful grey green eyes with the golden sparkles, like gold splinters in a moss covered riverbed. Alison didn’t know whether smile or cry, and ended up doing both - overwhelmed by the situation.

  Vance wrapped his arms around her. “… and I love your smile. Makes you even more beautiful.”

  “Gives me more wrinkles,” Alison murmured, tears still falling over her smile, and dried her face. So much for makeup; heavens, how silly!

  “So what? I don’t care. You are perfect! Wrinkles are life – we are no lifeless puppets or robots.”

  She stretched her hand and slowly traced along his cheek. “I love you, too.” The words came out of her mouth before she had a chance to think about it, or over think it, as she usually did. Vance took her hand and kissed her fingertips. She was so enthralled that it startled her when he let her go and asked: “What do think, should we finish our Champaign before it goes flat?”

  “Oh… I… think I’ve had enough.”

  Vance checked the bottle. “It’s just about half a glass for each of us.”

  Alison couldn’t resist his smile. It was more intoxicating than the alcohol. He gave her the half-filled glass and then reached for the remaining two cakes on the dessert plate.

  “Too delicious to leave behind!”

  They laughed.

  “Too delicious…” He placed the arm around her waist and traced her lips with his finger. “Too beautiful!”

  Maybe it was the effect of the alcohol, or Vance’s gentle irresistible touch – Alison had never felt so light, even airy. He lowered his head, and his lips touched hers. Vance couldn’t suppress a soft groan of pleasure, when he felt her responding and deepened the kiss.

  But the very next moment, her fail-safe kicked in. She freed herself from his embrace.

  “Alison, what’s wrong?”

  “I have to go,” she answered with husky voice, and already she was at the door. “Let‘s just forget this has ever happened!”

  “What?”

  She kept silent, tried with a hasty move to put her hair together, but the hairclip dropped from her shaking hands and she couldn’t see where it had fallen. It didn’t matter – she wasn’t going to look for it now. She turned to the door.

  “Alison! Please, talk to me! If… if I did something wrong, if I moved too fast, I’m sorry.” He reached for her arm, but hastily she twisted away.

  “Please don’t…!”

  She fled out of the room and downstairs. Outside the hotel, she realized how it must look and she forced herself not to run. Her legs felt like rubber suddenly. Fortunately Alison did not run into anyone on her way back to her bungalow. Still shaking, she slammed the door behind her, then dropped on the bed. She felt like crying and screaming, but could do neither. It was as if all her emotions were cut off. With some effort she rose eventually, to swallow a tranquilizer and another ‘feel-good’ pill she rarely used. Then she shuffled back to the bed, sat down and waited for the stuff to kick in. How could I let this happen?

  Vance stood in the hotel room, amidst the shards of his wonderful evening and was stunned. The abrupt change from being happy and within reach of his goal to this was more than he could handle. He couldn’t imagine what had gone wrong so suddenly. It took a while before he pulled himself together enough to blow out the candles and walk down the staircase as well. He felt tired, exhausted and old - again. After standing in the deserted yard for some time, he decided to knock at Alison‘s door.

  “Alison? Please talk to me. Alison!”

  “Go away! Please, go away!” was all he got.

  He stayed there, though, knowing he wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway, and hoping the door would open and he could hold her again. He waited in vain.

  Alison could not sleep either, despite the tranquillizers. When she left her bungalow in the morning, she barricaded herself behind her sunglasses and mental shields. She wanted to close the door on last night as tightly as possible and never open it again. She wouldn’t look back. She wouldn’t repeat her mistake from the past.

  Vance stepped into her direction, leaving her no time to hide.

  “Alison,” he started, but was cut off.

  “Vance, leave it alone. I thank you for the wonderful dinner invitation. Everything else,” She took a deep breath, “- does not exist.”

  “I just wanted to say, I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t want to push you. We can take our time. All the time you need.”

  “I made a mistake. That’s all.”

  “A mistake?” he repeated.

  “I drank too much. I know I shouldn’t do that, because I can’t handle it – but I did. Okay. It was my fault. Look, we are reasonable adults. We can look at things with sufficient emotional distance. You just lost your wife, Vance.”

  “I have lost Carolyn years ago! I just failed to realize it! And I’m not going to make the same mistake twice; not paying attention to what my heart says; what I want and what I don’t! Alison! I love you! And I know exactly what I’m saying!”

  “Vance, don’t make a scene in front of everyone!” She turned away and marched off. Vance looked after her, while the pain in him slowly gave way to anger. He had struggled with this new approach the whole night long. He thought to have reached a small space of firm ground amidst a stormy sea again – and just now, she kicked him back into the waves! Suddenly, he couldn’t stand it one more second!

  Seeing him climbing in Max’ Rover, Jake hurried towards him.

  “Vance? Hey, what’s up, where are you going?”

  “Out!” Vance slammed the door. “I need to get away for a few hours!”

  “What happened, man? You’ll tell your old buddy Jake, hey?”

  “I thought everything was perfect!” Vance answered after a moment, pushing both hands against the steering wheel in frustration. “Everything went fine! She said she loves me, Jake! And from one moment to the other – woosh! All gone! Now it was an error, a “mistake”! Sorry I made you believe you meant something to me! Shit happens!”

  “She’s a tough woman,” Jake tried to mitigate. “Maybe she needs…”

  “Whatever she needs; it is obviously NOT me! Perhaps she’s right indeed; maybe I am only looking for atonement for my failure with Carolyn!” He turned the key.

  “Wait! Vance! When will you come back? What shall I tell Alison?”

  “I don’t give a damn!”Vance drove out of the yard at top speed.

  Jake sighed and shook his head. Life was an unfair old bitch!

  Alison observed the work of her assistant. Nora Mendez did certainly a good job directing the scene with some extras as farm workers and Thabo. The crew worked as efficient as usual.

  Nonetheless, Alison shouted at one point: “This was totally amateurish! Repeat that! Yes! You two, why are you standing around like two poles? What are we paying you for?! … Calvin, what do you think you’re doing with that spotlight?! It’s sensitive equipment!”

  “Sorry, Alison, just tried to compensate for the-“

  “Just be careful with it!” She still shouted, and Max shot a worried look in her direction. He had known her for some years, had seen her in different demanding situations. But he had never seen her like that. She acted like a volcano ready to erupt, and she gave off negative energy in almost visible waves. The dream-evening Vance had prepared had obviously turned out to be a nightmare! And he had lent him his Rover for an ‘urgent matter’… Max felt a knot forming inside his stomach.

  Nora looked devastated
. “I’m sorry,” she said, her voice shaking, close to tears seeing Alison’s obvious anger. “I will repeat the scene, of course.”

  Now Alison waved her off apologetically and shook her head. “I am sorry for interrupting. I have… I am…” She sighed. “There was no reason for it. Please… continue!”

  While the crew and actors took up their work again and some curious looks drifted in Allison’s direction, she scanned the area searching for Vance. He was nowhere to be seen. None of his scenes were on the schedule today, but he had been around on the set even when it wasn’t his turn. ‘To make sure my work matches with the other’s performances’, as he had said; or just to learn or give others some advice. In any case, it was unusual for him not to be here! Alison didn’t know if she should be grateful for that or not. For a moment, there was relief, but the next second, she felt even more tortured not to see him… The door to the past just wouldn’t stay closed!

  With a little clanking noise, the sunglasses, she had turned over and over in her hands, broke apart. Alison sighed and more desperate anger spread in her. This scene, these extras, EVERYTHING was full of flaws; she could not see anything else. Including herself! She pressed her lips together and fought against a nearly overwhelming urge to cry. The next takes of the scene just swooshed past her. She did not pay attention. She already had a hard time staying calm!

  It was hot in the blazing midday sun. However, Vance drove so fast – way over the speed limit – that he didn’t notice it. The road was empty. One lonely grey-black band of asphalt. He sped on. Alison’s face accompanied him. And her scent, her voice – everything… But no - he was mad at her now, and even more at himself for having fallen for her. There were dozens of women in Hollywood, weren’t there?! And plenty of them would be more than happy to land in his bed – be it because of money, fame, or his rugged good looks! But no, he had to pick this ‘Iceberg’! Vance squinted. The asphalt was spiraling in front of him.

  Shit! A car horn blared! Vance reacted just fast enough to avoid the approaching car. However, the abrupt movement made the Rover spin out. He lost control completely and landed on the bushes growing in the ditch. The sudden burst of Adrenalin catapulted him into a hyper-awake state. He trembled all over, gasped for air and felt very sick.

  What were you thinking? he wondered while finally leaning back into the seat. Killing yourself?!

  He checked the damage to the car and discovered one wheel was stuck in the mud, still soft from the last heavy rain. Normally, this ditch would not have posed a problem for a 4x4. Nonetheless, the angle of the car and the tight space of the ditch foiled Vance’s attempts to get back on the asphalt. He climbed up to the road, hoping for a passing car he could wave down. But he had chosen a desolate road in the middle of nowhere for his escape. It took a while before another car showed up – and despite his shouting and waving, it did not stop. Probably tourists who had been warned not to stop for anyone in case it was a trap for a nice little hold up!

  Frustrated, Vance sat down. He was getting hungry, and the half empty bottle of warm water he had found below the driver’s seat was not enough to ease his thirst. Moreover, he hadn’t taken any cigarettes with him!

  Now that’s really a bad sign, he mocked himself, so pissed off, you forget your smokes! He fought against the image of Alison in his mind with growing annoyance. Unfortunately there was nothing to distract him, only some springboks in the distance; clear chiseled shapes against the sun. Suddenly, he wished to be back in L.A., at rush hour time, or in Vegas, surrounded by people, noise, music and colors competing for his attention! But here, he was alone with his regrets and anger… He had thought about starting all over and doing everything right this time. But well, you just can’t reboot life with a happiness patch! Who had said that? He didn’t remember anymore. And it didn’t matter. It was just true.

  Now even the springboks had gone! Not even a grasshopper or a flie was there to provide some distraction – even nature seemed to conspire against him! The others would be worried by now. He pretended not to care if Alison was mad – but the rest of their crew… A guilty conscience began to annoy him on top of all.

  When the filming was done and the crew gathered in the catering tent, Alison stayed by the camera equipment and checked the filters. It was not necessary; she really waited there because she wanted to see Vance showing up, even if she never would have admitted that. However, he was nowhere to be seen, and the longer Alison stayed there, the more she forgot her pretend-checking and openly observed the path from the bungalows to the catering tables and back again. No sign of Vance. She didn’t exactly know how she would react IF he showed up. But that question slowly began to lose importance in comparison to her rising worries.

  “Alison? Don’t you want to eat something?”

  Max. Heavens, why did everyone constantly have to fuss over her?! She wanted to be left alone! Carefully, she set her mind before she turned around. “I don’t feel very well. Perhaps a little indigestion, nothing serious, Max.”

  He did not look very convinced. Alison threw all her willpower in a little smile. “Nothing to worry about.” Then she stepped away from the camera crane towards the bungalows.

  “Ally, if—“

  Her strength was not sufficient. “Max, you’re not my father!” she hissed forestalling any other comment and walked faster. Under no circumstances did she want him to ask about last night! She felt exposed enough. Who besides Max knew about this? Jake Bertoni for sure, he was Vance’s closest friend… Gossip traveled very fast; she would bet the whole crew knew about it by now. She was a laughing stock, for sure! A disaster! And where was Vance? She closed the door of her bungalow and turned the key twice, resolved not to open for anyone.

  Eventually, a bucket of bolts truck appeared on Vance’s lonely road, struggling along rattling and huffing. The driver, a colored guy in blue coveralls, stopped when he saw him and jumped out.

  “Hey, what happened? Are you injured?”

  “No. I was watching some animals and didn’t pay attention to the road.”

  “Yes…yes…yes.” The man muttered something about ‘stupid tourists’, while he searched for a rope. Thankfully, he had all sorts of useful stuff on the bed of his truck. They attached the rope to the Rover’s grill and the trailer hitch of the truck, and Vance was filled in on the latest mishaps and joys of his helper’s life. He had lost his job recently; his granddaughter turned 6 today… Vance was not in the mood to listen to other people’s problems. And the damned car just did not want to move, despite all the shoving and pulling until his body was covered in sweat, and his shoes and pants soaked with mud. At least, he had found a way to work off his anger!

  “Don’t you want to move, you damned piece of junk?! – Just move a BIT! A tiny, little bit UP!” Vance hadn’t realized he was growling in his native tongue Afrikaans.

  Only when the truck driver addressed him with a surprised “Hey, you’re from around here?!” he looked up from behind the car.

  “Yes. No… not exactly.” Being reminded of this other personal raw point he slipped a bit further down in into his moody pit. “I’m Canadian. – Just pull again! We have to get this thing moving!”

  Again, the engine of the poor truck howled. Vance gathered his resentments against his parents, his agent, Alison and everything else that was not right with his life, and put his last bit of energy into the task. Right when he was ready to give up, the Rover finally moved. Then it sat back on the road and seemed to grin into the two men’s faces.

  With an exhausted groan, Vance fell down next to it. He was too tired even to pay attention to his anger. “Thank you,” he managed gasping for air.

  “No big deal, my friend,” said his rescuer, stretching his back. “Couldn’t leave you down there!”

  Suddenly, Vance remembered the birthday party the other man had mentioned. Because of him the guy would be late! He dug in his pockets and found a crumbled bill. He shoved the money into his helper’s big, work worn hands.


  “Buy your granddaughter something pretty for her birthday!”

  “Jesus Christ, that’s a hundred US Dollars! I can’t…”

  “Take it. I don’t have much use of it, anyway.”

  A dozen heartfelt thank you’s answered him. The man got downright misty eyed over his generosity. When his good Samaritan finally left, Vance trudged to his Rover and felt more alone than ever.

  It was late at night. Some lonely clouds illuminated by silvery moonlight floated across the sky and covered the stars now and then. The hum of various air condition-systems were the only sign of human activity at this hour. Alison stood at the window and stared outside, a little dizzy from the tranquillizers she had taken, but unable to sleep nonetheless. She could see Vance’s bungalow from her window. And the windows were still dark. He was not back – from wherever he had gone to in Max’ Rover. Alison began to feel really sick. All her worries and sorrows and regrets seemed to weave themselves into a rope that was going to strangle her slowly.

  If something happened to him… I know I will never forgive myself!

  After a while, she went to the mini fridge and helped herself to one of the small bottles of wine offered in the bungalow. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea; after all, booze had gotten her into this ‘situation’! But at the moment, Alison only wanted to knock herself out, to shut down the thoughts spinning around in her mind somehow. Jake drank; she knew, and lots of her colleagues and friends in the business did as well. Some managed to keep everything more or less under control; others made sojourns in a rehab clinic regularly. Well… Welcome to the club!

  She opened the bottle of wine and started to drain it.

  Lauren Bastian fumed at the turn of events as she imagined them. Of course, she had known about Vance’s planned romantic dinner with Alison. One of the crew had told her, who heard it from Jake Bertoni. She had considered it distasteful, to say the least. It had been bad enough to deal with the idea that a man like Vance was bowing and scraping for a boring old Puritan like Alison, but now on top of it that old bitch had apparently told him to hit the road!