As Long As You Love Me (Love Me Series Book 4)

by Jaime Russell

  “That right there! You go from being sweet and loving to a grizzly bear in a matter of seconds. My emotions are all over the place which is worse for us right now. This is new to all of us and it’s going to take patience for us to figure it out but I don’t think patience and Jensen belong in the same sentence. When I would dream of you, you would ride up on your white horse and ask me to marry you so we could live as a family. But since you found out that I was pregnant with your child when I’m giving birth, you were angry for the first hour and then you tell me what I am going to do without a discussion. I can’t live like this Jensen. I’m so tired of you telling me what I should do. It’s great in sex but in life it sucks.”

  “I don’t understand.” I say as I sit on the bed watching her move gingerly around the room. “What changed?”

  “You left me crying. I heard you turning the door knob but never came in. If you don’t talk to me like partners, how are we going to work out?” Sarah stops and leans against the dresser trying to catch her breath. Do I help her to the bed so she can lay down to rest? She is being more active than what she should be.

  “Let me help you to the bed. You shouldn't be up and moving around as much as you are.” Sarah lets me pick her up and carry her to the bed. I gently lay her down and prop up her feet. “I don’t know how to do this without being demanding. I was laid back with Michelle but she left me because I wasn't giving her enough love and attention but I was working a lot of hours to work my way up the ladder at work. Michelle had her cousin Robin, the man she was cheating on me with, and her parents to help her through it all but I don’t know how to do us.”

  “Jensen, we need to learn about each other. We are going to fight and argue but we don’t walk away when the other one is hurting.”

  “I'm hurting and you are leaving.” I whisper to her.

  “I have to take time to be with Ella on my own and get my hormones under control. I want us to be a family but we need to figure out where we go from here. I hate change and my anxiety is bad right now. I need my comfort zone right now. I didn't mean to disrespect you when it came to moving out of your family home. I shouldn’t have asked that of you.” Before I could respond, I hear a knock on the doorway and I see our brown-haired friend standing there with a concerned look on her face.

  “Reagan.” I say flatly.

  “Sorry to interrupt but your mom sent me up to check on you two.” Reagan walks in and sits on the bed with Sarah.

  “As you can see we are fine.”

  “Oh yeah. Sarah is crying, wincing in pain, and you are doing that brooding frustration of running your hands through your hair to almost pulling it out. What the fuck happened?” Reagan makes me smile because she doesn't mince words.

  “I want to go home.” Sarah whimpers. I see her pain pills on the night stand and I decide to get her a granola bar to eat so she can take the pill.

  “If you need some time away with Ella, then I have to respect it. What about the kids?”

  “They can visit her whenever they want and so can you. I'm not taking you from her.”

  “Yes, you are but hey whatever makes you happy.” I walk out of the room. I hear Reagan trying to reassure her that things will be okay. I feel like a total tool right now but I can’t do this and I get an idea in my head. My cell phone is in my room but I don’t dare go in there right now. I come downstairs to see Jonathan and Jana on the couch with the baby and I'm incredibly not okay with this scene. They are too young to be sitting that close together and playing with a baby.

  “Can I hold Ella?” I try to choke back the tears.

  “Sure daddy. Are you okay?” I nod and take Ella outside on the front porch swing.

  “So, your mommy is going to be taking you to her house for a little bit. I bet you are going to love it there. I want you to know that I promise to make sure to be there every day so you don’t forget this handsome face. Jana and Bennett will be staying over on weekends. Gram Gram, and grandma will be there every other day. Please be good for mommy as she isn't feeling the greatest right now. Daddy made some comments to mommy that were not very nice and now I need to fix them. I think I know how to, but it’s going to take a while. I hope you know that this has nothing to do with you, I promise.” I kiss her as she stares up at me. Being a father is one of God’s greatest gifts and as a father it is my responsibility to teach Bennett how to treat a woman and teach Jana and now Ella how a man should treat them. I fucked up things with my one true love as she stands in the doorway watching me. “You ready to go?” Sarah nods. Jonathan comes out first with Jana and Bennett behind him. They are making plans for the weekend.

  My grandmother comes out carrying the diaper bag and my mom helps Reagan with Sarah as I cradle Ella. My dad stands in the doorway looking like someone just kicked his puppy. My heart breaks even more. I stand up once Sarah is situated into the SUV. I hand Ella over to Reagan and walk to the passenger side to see Sarah.

  “I’m sorry for not knowing how to do this and I’ll try to make it up to you. I love you and I want us to be a family all of us together.” I plead with her.

  “I need to do this right now Jensen. My anxiety is bad and I need comfort. I know that you love us but you scare me. I'm not afraid that you will beat me up but it’s just not my heart on the line here. I now have three kids to worry about and that is a total shock to the system. Come here.” I lean into the car. Sarah kisses me and whispers I love you. Reagan clears her throat so they can head out.

  “Please take care of my girls for me.”

  “I will and the offer to come over whenever is still open. Our home is your home.” Reagan backs her vehicle out of the driveway and I hear the kids and my family crying. I turn and my family walks away from me but my mom.

  “We’ll fix this together as a family. Don’t give up.”

  “I’ll try not to lose hope but half of my heart just left.” I kiss my mom of her temple and walk into the house and up to my room but not before grabbing the Jack Daniels. I'm going to drown my misery.

  Me:

  Do you think that we could meet for lunch tomorrow?

  We need to talk.

  I don’t wait for an answer before passing out. My thoughts are of Sarah needing me with Ella.

  I cry the entire way home and Jonathan talks to Ella about teaching her how to shoot on Call of Duty. Reagan looks at me from the corner of her eye.

  “Just say it already!” I snap.

  “I don’t understand what is going on with you. I get a text that you are staying there and that you loved it but now you are coming back home.”

  “I asked him if he was going to sell his house and we find a new one. He went all brooding, grunting responses then left me crying. Then he doesn’t even speak to me and when I try to talk to him it’s always his way. He was so angry in the elevator when he found out the baby was his and I never toldhim. How the fuck was I supposed to tell him when he left me laying naked on the bed.”

  “Calm down and watch what you say, Jonathan is here.”

  “Aunt Sarah, is it true that you named Ella because she was born in an elevator?” I bust out in a big laugh that hurts but I can’t stop laughing.

  “Yes. It was a joke at first but the more we said Ella, we liked it.”

  “I can’t wait to tell my friends that story.”

  “Your mother has been over to the house since you gave birth and tried to rearrange things.”

  “Ugh! Did you know that she forced a DNA test on me? She doesn’t want Jensen to be a part of the baby’s life until it comes back. Jensen’s mom Holly; invited my parents to dinner since they were now family and my mother brushed her off. I don’t know what happened between my dad and Jensen’s dad Stanley but they came in laughing. Reagan, I need a girls’ night now.”

  Reagan calls Abby and Nicarra to bring sweets and alcohol. We finally pull into the back of the store and Max is standing there with his arms over his chest. Uh oh, big brother mode is on. He kisses Reagan as he helps her
out and comes over to me. Max opens my door and I crash into his arms. I cry and mumble about my heart wants Jensen but I’m scared and I hate how I handle things.

  “Sarah, calm down. We will talk about all of it when you don’t have snot running out of your nose and you can speak English.” So, I do the next best thing and wipe my nose on his favorite t-shirt. “You are disgusting.”

  “Don’t be such a jerk next time.” I laugh but he helps me up the thousand stairs. We open the door to see my parents standing there.

  “It’s about damn time. Why were you over there to begin with? We don’t know if that man is the father.”

  “Mom, I love you but I’ve only slept with one man and it was Jensen. I fell asleep, had dinner with them and then spent the time watching movies with the kids while Ella slept. It made sense for us to sleep over. I’m here now so you got your wish. Can I please take her to the nursery so I can change her and feed her?” Reagan starts to follow me since she has the car seat with Ella in it. I walk into the nursery and stop.

  “Sorry, I was going to tell you.” Reagan whispers.

  “Where is my stuff?” I walk around to an empty room with a bed in it and dressers from my parent’s house. The fairies are gone too.

  “The nursery stuff is in your room. Your father and I made the decision to move in here to help you with Ella. I tried to talk to you about it but you didn’t answer my text messages.”

  “Did you even ask Reagan and Max? It’s their apartment.”

  “Max wouldn’t mind, we’re all family. Let’s go to see your room and the baby’s nursery. I had to move a few things.” I walk in to see all my work stuff is gone and the room is cramped because it looks like they just threw things in here. My heart is breaking but I’m not going to let it show.

  “Where is my design table and sketches?” I ask calmly while I look at my mother imagining ripping her head off. “Oh, Max put them in the gaming room, whatever that is.”

  “Aunt Sarah, that is awesome! Now I can teach Ella to game and you can teach me to sketch.” Jonathan hugs me. This kid knows how to make an unpleasant situation better.

  I look to Max and we have a silent conversation about getting my parents away from me.

  “Mr. and Mrs. Edwards, why don’t we let Sarah get Ella settled. I’m going to order some food from Applebee’s and go pick it up.”

  My mother started to protest but Max laid on that charm that got us in trouble as teenagers. I mouth thank you to him. I turn to Reagan who is rocking Ella in her arms.

  “She likes you.”

  “How are you holding up? This is a shock to all of us.”

  “I can’t believe they did all of this in a day while we were all at work or school. How they got in here blows my mind.”

  “My mom knew that Jensen was going to be using the couch in there to sleep so she must have taken my key. What is wrong with her? Look at this mess. Where am I supposed to put my daughter?” As I look around the room I see Ella’s dresser and changing table next to my bed while the bassinet and crib are near the wall and blocked by the rocking chair. I sit on my bed and cry.

  “Max and Jonathan will help rearrange this room.” Reagan says as she sits next to me. “I don’t know that history but I hope that them being here will be a blessing instead of a curse.”

  “I would love to be close to my parents. I want them to have an active role in Ella’s life but I can’t handle them doing whatever they want without even consulting me. I really thought them being in Miami with me would be a wonderful thing. We shall see how it goes.” Ella starts to get fussy so I ask Reagan to keep an eye on her so I can fix a bottle. I go out to the kitchen to grab some of the spring water and mix the formula.

  “What are you doing?” I jump as my mother comes behind me.

  “Ella needs to be fed.”

  “You’re not breastfeeding?” My mother feigns a look of shock on her face.

  “With the surgery, the pills that I need to take for the antibiotic and pain pills so it wouldn’t be good to put it into Ella.”

  “Can’t you stop taking the pills?”

  “No. I can’t move around without the pain pills and the antibiotic because of the surgery so I don’t get an infection.” I bought one of those bottle warmers so I place the bottle in there. I’m counting down the seconds to get away from her.

  “We need to talk about things when Ella is asleep and you’re not so emotional.” “Mom, I had a baby four days ago, so we’ll talk in a few months then.” I chuckle at the joke but she doesn’t and I shrug.

  “Be serious for once.”

  “Mom, what do we need to talk about?”

  “It has to do with that man and his family plus moving out.”

  “Okay. We’ll do it tomorrow. I need to spend time with my daughter for a while then I need to get some sleep while she is sleeping. I love you mom but you need to dial back the control.” With those parting words, I walk to my room. I see Max and Jonathan moving things around so I can have some room.

  “Thanks guys.” Max kisses me on the temple and tells me that he will run interference for me and my parents tonight. I thanked him. Reagan lets me sit down in the rocking chair that Joan had refinished and painted to match the room. She told me that she rocked Shawn, Nicarra’s boys, and even Jonathan in it. She was going to give it to Cash but Sally had the one from their parents. I’m so blessed to be surrounded by amazing people. I gave Ella her bottle.

  “Hello, little one. You’ve met a lot of people so I bet you are confused on things. One thing that you’ll never have to be worried about is not being loved, because there are so many people who will be in your life.” I look at Ella’s perfect fingers and I cry with tears of joy. I know I did something right in this life. As I put her down in the bassinet that I had as a child since she fell asleep after I burped her, I slide the bassinet next to my bed so I can watch her sleep. As I drift off to sleep, my thoughts are invaded by the eyes of a hurt man.

  I wake up with a slight headache and look at my phone to see if Sarah text me but Michelle agreed to meet with me. I get up to shower and get ready. I run down the stairs to see my mom and grandmother sitting there talking but when I walk into the room they go quiet.

  “Oh, please continue talking about me. Don’t mind me at all.” I sarcastically say.

  “Fine. I think you’re being an ass. You treat Sarah like crap and expect her to stay. Then you forget that you have two kids here that are confused and you go to your room drink and pass out. “My mother states without looking at me.

  “She left me.”

  “Did you ask her to stay?” My grandmother asks and I try to remember the conversation.

  “I can’t remember.” I hang my head and turn my back to them to drink my cup of coffee. “I will be back later before the kids get home. I have a meeting.” I drive to the diner to meet up with Michelle. I made sure to point out that Robin would not be a good thing right now. I pull in and grab a parking spot. I go in and look around to see if Michelle is here before me. I decide to take a booth in the back away from everyone but I let her know where I am sitting. I send a text to Sarah to check on Ella and tell her that I miss her. I look up to see Michelle and an older man standing there. I stand up to greet them.

  “You must Jensen.” The man shakes my hand a bit tighter than needed.

  “That I am, and you are?”

  “Judge Darren Michaels.” The light bulb went off in my head that this is Michelle’s husband.

  “Do I need to call a lawyer?” I nervously chuckle.

  “Depends on why you wanted to meet my wife, to intimidate her into not seeing her children.”

  “Darren, I told you that Jensen and I are having a sit down with the kids this weekend. He wants me in their life but I am confused why you asked me here.” I motion for them to sit down.

  “Michelle, I need your help in understanding who I am and what went wrong with us.”

  “Girl problems already.” Michelle laughs a
nd I nod.

  “I told her that we were going to get married and be a family. Then she wants me to sell the house and look for something new to build a new life in a new house for our new family. I made the mistake of walking out of the house while she laid in bed crying.” I then proceeded to tell her everything. I left out the part of the kids wanting Sarah to be their mom while Michelle is mother. The waitress came and took our orders as I continue talking while Darren and Michelle listen to my story. I know Darren is still leery of me by the daggers he is throwing at me. Michelle is listening and writing things down as I talk.

  “Jensen what I’m going to say will be hard for you to digest but you need to hear me.” Michelle takes a deep sigh and with shaky hands picks up the napkin. I see her beautiful eyes that I used to love looking into for so many years were glistening with tears that needed to be shed. “Jensen, we never loved each other like I love Darren and you love Sarah. We were doing what was expected of us because I got pregnant with the twins. You put work and the kids before me and when I made the decision to leave, it was a hard one but I needed to find myself.” I listen to her words and they hurt a little but she is telling the truth. I never felt this way about Michelle.

  “Michelle, I’m so sorry that I took you for granted. We let our problems get in the way of you and the kids. If I could take it back, I would have made time for you to see the kids.”

  “I don’t think I was ready for the kids until we had our son. When I got to see his first step, it made me realize that I missed all of that with Jana and Bennett. I really do hope that we can build a relationship.” Michelle’s voice sounds hopeful.

  “Remember my love; the first meeting is going to be rough on them and especially you. Be prepared for the hatred and disappointment.” Darren spoke up in a soft soothing tone. “Now as for you, I only know what I heard from Michelle and Robin.” I roll my eyes. “I don’t take stock in what Robin has to say but I did listen to her. Jensen, you seem like a great guy and are willing to admit when you are wrong. I think you need to sell that house and start fresh with the new family. You should see if from Sarah’s point of view. This is the home you made with another woman. It was bought for you and Michelle.”