Bolivar

by Caitlin Ricci

  I didn’t really have a plan in going to his house. I didn’t expect him to be there, either. I just wanted a place to crash and think for a while. I needed that. I didn’t know how to be with someone who wasn’t out. I didn’t know if I could be either.

  I’m sorry, Jeffrey texted an hour after I’d left campus.

  I didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t even know if I could without being overly generic. I didn’t want his family to maybe see his texts and figure out what he was hiding from them. It’s fine. I’ll see you when break is over.

  I’m planning to do it someday when the time’s right.

  I hoped that he could. I really did. But I was struggling with this and wondering how I was supposed to date someone that I couldn’t ever be with in public except for when we were away from his family. I didn’t have my family. Part of me had really wanted to get to know his. I hadn’t pictured Christmases around the fire with rainbow tinsel everywhere. Not yet at least. But I was close to getting there, and it sucked that now I had no idea what to think or do.

  But Jeffrey was waiting on a response from me and I had to come up with something. Good luck. It was all I could think to say to him. We’d been going out for months and he’d never once brought up the fact that he wasn’t out to his parents. He was out on campus, and I’d just assumed, of course incorrectly, that he was out at home too. Maybe it shouldn’t have bothered me as much as it did, but I was really struggling with this as the taxi dropped me off at Bolivar’s house.

  He wasn’t home when I let myself in. I didn’t even know if he still lived there. His TV didn’t have any dust on it, but maybe he had a cleaning service come in once a week or something. He could certainly afford it.

  The wind chime I’d made for him was hanging on the deck. I found it there when I was wondering what that awful metal sound had been. Now I felt bad about giving Bolivar such a defective piece of treasure for his collection.

  I ordered pizza and ate it on the couch in front of a movie. He had a big collection, and it would have been nice to watch something with him. I had no idea where he was, though, or if he had any plans to return there ever. Part of me wished I could just hang out there full time and not worry about going back to college at all. It was so peaceful just being alone with only the ocean and the clanking of the wind chime I’d made him to keep me company.

  It was nearly one in the morning when I decided to go to bed. With no class to get up early for I didn’t need to worry so much about what time I did anything or when I was supposed to be somewhere, which I really liked. I slept naked, something I’d never done while Bolivar was around in case he happened to walk in, but I chose to now because I figured he wouldn’t be coming back anytime soon.

  I only had a thin sheet on, since I’d turned up the temp in Bolivar’s house to a comfortable level for myself. He’d always kept the house a bit cooler, but since it was just me I chose how warm I wanted to be. There was snow outside, or more of it, anyway. I fell asleep watching the snow falling outside on the back deck.

  My bed dipped, instantly jostling me awake. I sat up quickly, but someone put an arm around my stomach, stopping me cold.

  “Go back to sleep,” Bolivar mumbled.

  “What are you doing back?” I snapped at him. Never mind what he was doing in my bed?

  “This is my house,” he snapped back at me.

  I reached for the light, but he moved his hand from my stomach to my wrist, halting my movements completely. “Don’t turn on the light.”

  “Are you hurt? What’s going on?”

  He laughed, and the sound was much higher pitched than anything I’d heard him make before. “I’m fine. I’m just... young is all. I guess. I missed you. Can we get some more sleep? It’s only just after four.”

  “Sure.” I lay back down, feeling weird as he curled up behind me. But it was nice in a way too to have Bolivar there against my back. He wasn’t under the sheet with me, so maybe he knew that I was naked. Or maybe he just didn’t care.

  “I’m dating a guy, so don’t get any ideas,” I told him. I was mostly joking anyway.

  “I look like I’m in high school, so I doubt it matters.” He sounded annoyed about it too.

  I snorted and reached for the light again, but just as before he stopped me. “C’mon, it can’t be that bad.”

  “I have zits,” he grumbled, pulling closer to me. “What’s your boyfriend’s name?”

  “Jeffrey.” For some reason that made him laugh.

  “What?”

  “Jack, now Jeffrey? There are dozens of other letters in the alphabet to date from. What’s next? Jim. Then James?”

  I elbowed him in the ribs to get him to shut up. “Hey, he’s a nice guy. Lay off.” But maybe it was weird all the same that I kept going for guys that had nearly the same names.

  “Do you love him?”

  My answer was easy and I was glad that I could be honest about it. “No. But he is a nice guy and I do have fun with him.” I sighed then. If he wasn’t willing to come out I wasn’t sure how much more fun we would actually be able to have.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Would you ever date a guy who wasn’t out?”

  Bolivar let go of me to be able to sit up in the bed. I sat up next to him, pulling the sheet around my waist. Even though the room was dark I didn’t want him to see me naked. “As a dragon, I’ve never had to worry about that. It seems to be an entirely human issue.”

  I was afraid of that.

  “But, if it was me, and this is just me, I like being able to go out with the people I care about. So no, I would not date someone who I could not be open with, and who could not be open with me. But that’s me, and not you. Is he out with you on campus?”

  I nodded. “Yeah. He is. And that’s something. Right? I guess I’m just confused and a bit hurt since we hold hands all the time when we’re going around to our classes. And we kiss in front of people too. But then, out of nowhere, he calls me his friend when we’re in front of his parents.” I sighed deeply and wished dating was a whole lot less complicated.

  “Most of your life is on campus, though, so stay with him and enjoy what you have while you’re there. Maybe he’ll come out on his own at some point, and maybe he won’t. You can’t force someone to come out and you can’t pressure them to, either. Do you see yourself staying with him for a long time?”

  I got what Bolivar was saying, and I knew where he was going with his question, too. “I don’t. I can’t picture us being together for even a year honestly. And I feel terrible about that. But he just doesn’t give me that craziness that I’ve been looking for. So maybe just being together on campus will be fine, since I’m not in this for the long haul anyway.”

  “Or you could cut him loose and stop wasting his time when you’re just looking to have fun.”

  Bolivar sounded pissed, and when he rolled away from me I knew that he was for sure.

  “What’s wrong?” I demanded. He didn’t get to be mad at me for having a social life, or for dating who I wanted to, or how I wanted to.

  He shook his head. The sun was starting to come up, just a little though, and I could see that he was smaller than he’d been the last time I’d seen him. He’d shrunk, and his hair was longer, and he looked almost frail. “Bolivar?”

  “It’s nothing. Maybe I’m feeling my own mortality now that I’m human and no longer looking forward to another thousand years on this planet. But, for me, I’d hate to spend time with someone who didn’t want something long term with me. And that is just me. It may be that he doesn’t want something more than that, too. You two could just be having fun together. But if he wants something more than that, something like Jack did, and you’re just there knowing that you’re going to cut him off eventually? Then that’s just cruel. Talk to him and see what he’s thinking too. I’m going to head back down to the Keys again. I only stopped here on my way back from yelling at Imrel some more.”

>   I knew he was right, but I also wished that he would stay. I missed him. “Why were you with Imrel?”

  “Because he wants to start moving his territory lower now that I’m no longer a dragon. We’re negotiating for me to leave Maine to him. I’d still have my house, of course, but I dislike the idea of that idiot being in my territory, even just the northern most tip of it. I guess it doesn’t matter much anymore though, considering that he’s going to be a dragon for another three hundred years or so and I’m only going to be alive for another seventy at best. But old habits die hard. So, I’ll see you another time. And talk to Jeffrey before you break his heart.”

  He moved to leave but I grabbed the sheet and then his hand as I got off the bed. “Stay with me.”

  I was surprised by his snort, as if spending time with me was the last thing he would want to do. “See you later. Send me a text sometime. Let me know what you decide to do about Jacob.”

  “Jeffrey,” I grumbled.

  “Stay warm,” he called back to me, and then he was gone. I sat there on my bed and then, right after he got into a taxi, I went back to sleep.

  In the morning I ate some ice cream for breakfast. It was nearly eleven when I got up anyway. I had a text from Jeffrey waiting for me when I got out of the shower.

  Hi. Miss you.

  I frowned at my phone and wondered what to say. Was I with him because I wanted to be? Because dating in general was fun even though I wasn’t all that excited about him? It was almost Christmas, and I didn’t want to be the jerk that broke up with his boyfriend near Christmas, so I definitely didn’t want to do that. Still, leading him on felt weird and wrong. I hated that talking to Bolivar had made me second-guess this. I’d been perfectly fine just having fun hanging out with Jeffrey until it wasn’t fun to be around him anymore. But now I wasn’t nearly so sure.

  It took me over two hours to decide to respond back to him, and even then I wasn’t sure what to say to him. I kind of missed him. But I missed Bolivar more. I wished that he’d taken me to the Keys with him. Or that he’d stayed and made some lobster rolls with me at least before he’d left me here in Maine in the snow and the cold.

  How’s things? I asked him. I should have come up with something better to say, especially since I was dating him. But I couldn’t think of anything.

  Are you happy? His text took less than five minutes.

  I wasn’t sure where he was going with his question, and, worse yet, I wasn’t even sure that I cared. I don’t want to be in a secret relationship. There, I’d been honest with him. It sucked, and I was sure that I was hurting him and I didn’t want to do that, but I didn’t want to pretend, either. If this continued, which I was sure that it wouldn’t, did that mean that we would never hang out at his parents’ house? Would I never meet them at all? Or, if I did, would I always only be referred to as his friend and nothing more?

  It took him almost an hour to get back to me. I figured he was upset. Or just needed some time to think things through. I think we’re over then, because I’m not going to be able to change this anytime soon.

  I didn’t know what to say. He didn’t even want to argue? Or stand up for himself with his parents? He just seemed to be giving up. Our relationship hadn’t meant a lot to me, but I thought it had to him. Apparently not. Okay, I texted back. I didn’t want to argue with him either.

  My next text was to Bolivar. I was done talking to Jeffrey. I was mad at him for giving up so easily. And I was mad at me for caring so much when I’d been willing to break up with him too but wanted to wait until after Christmas to do so. Jeffrey and I broke up, I texted Bolivar.

  Why? Bolivar texted back, almost immediately.

  Turns out we didn’t care about each other very much. At least my ice cream was good, even as my mood soured and crashed out.

  Want me to come back? If you’re upset and need a friend I can be back on a plane and be there in a few hours.

  I loved his offer, but I knew it was selfish of me to want him to come back. He didn’t want to be in Maine with me. I knew that, too. I wanted him with me, but I didn’t want to put myself and what I wanted over his desires. I’m fine. Just a breakup. No big deal.

  Okay. Text me if you need me.

  I will. I knew I wouldn’t, though. I wouldn’t text him, and I wouldn’t need him.

  When I got back to campus, Jeffrey didn’t text me. I knew he was back because I’d seen him around, but he didn’t say anything to me. And when I went to the next crafting group meeting, no one else ever showed up. They’d moved it and abandoned me. All because I didn’t want to be with someone who had to remain in the closet. It wasn’t fair, and I was hurt, but I tried not to let it bother me.

  To get my mind off Jeffrey and how I suddenly had no friends, I thought about Bolivar. He would have never abandoned me. I was sure of it. No matter what, he would always be there for me. If I needed him he would take care of me. And he would never hide who he was or that we had a connection. With my mind made up, and with a few days left still before classes started up again, I went to the airport, purchased an insanely expensive ticket to get me down to the Keys within a few hours, and then sat back to wait on my plane south.

  I’m coming to the Keys, I texted Bolivar. I figured he would want a heads up.

  Why?

  I rolled my eyes. I didn’t need his permission for this or anything else. The truth was that I had no friends and I was lonely and I wanted to be around someone who wasn’t a complete jerk, but I didn’t want him to feel pity for me. Maine sucks, I simply texted back to him.

  No, it doesn’t, but go ahead and lie. I’ll be here when you get to the resort. Are you taking classes this semester still, or are you skipping this semester to spend time partying?

  I was pretty sure telling him I wasn’t going to college right then would get me in trouble and I didn’t want him pissed at me, but it would have been so easy to say that. I was so tempted to do that too. I didn’t really like going to college, but it was important to him. At least, I thought it was. Do I have to?

  We’ll talk when you get here.

  Well, that wasn’t a complete no, but it wasn’t that promising, either. I figured I’d see what he had to say when I got down there. I didn’t want a lecture from him, and I wasn’t looking for one either, but maybe some motivation would be good.

  When I got to the resort I already felt better about leaving Maine to spend some time down there. Gorgeous guys were everywhere, but there was one guy with blond hair streaked with blue who was watching me as soon as I walked in. I was flattered, despite that he seemed a little young to be there—until I realized that he was Bolivar.

  “You weren’t kidding about how young you look,” I grumbled as I came over to him.

  He shrugged and leaned against the wall. Sure, he looked like he was barely eighteen, but he looked good, too. I tried not to look at him long though, even though he was in just a pair of trunks that hung low on his hips and showed off the deep lines on his stomach.

  “So, what are you doing down here? Are you looking for an excuse not to go back to college?” He didn’t sound upset, which was a good thing at least, but he hardly sounded encouraging either.

  “My friends left me,” I mumbled.

  He just rolled his eyes. Then he turned and headed down the hallway to the elevators. I followed him without being asked to, and I tried my best to keep my gaze above his butt. He was even better looking from behind, and I loved that his hair was not just streaked with blue, but different shades of it as well. Some strands were as light as the sky while others were deep like the ocean off his deck in Maine.

  Once we were in his hotel room I sat down on his bed without being invited to, but he didn’t say anything, so maybe that was okay. All he did was pour himself some water and turn to look at me. After a minute or two, I figured out he was waiting for me to explain what had happened.

  “All of my friends were really Jeffrey’s friends. I mea
n, I only ever made friends with the people in the crafting group I was in, so I guess that was to be expected that they would leave me as soon as he and I broke up. But it still hurt.” I shrugged. I didn’t want it to hurt at all. I wanted to just be down there to have fun and maybe get laid, but I couldn’t ignore the fact that I’d left Maine because I was upset and wanting to get away to somewhere familiar. Well, not really somewhere. I’d mostly just wanted to be with him. “Can I stay here with you for a few days? I won’t get in your way. I’ll rent my own room and—”

  “It’s fine.”

  He spoke gruffly, and I wondered if I’d pissed him off for real this time. Then he sighed and sat down beside me. It was still so hard to remember that he was centuries older than me when he didn’t look it at all right then. He looked like some cute teenage guy sitting beside me. I would have hit on him in an instant if I saw him at a bar. But then he met my gaze as he took my hand, and I knew that he wasn’t some human teenage guy. It wasn’t like there was anything really different about his eyes. It was the way he looked at me. The deepness, the sadness, the way he seemed to know exactly what I was going through, like he’d done this all a hundred different times in a hundred different ways and I was just going through something that everyone my age did.

  “When do your classes start up again?”

  “Three days.” I didn’t have much time here at all.

  He nodded, and I had no idea why he was still holding my hand, but I was glad that he was.

  “You can stay here, and do whatever you want while you’re here of course, but you have to go back to class. I’m only financing your life for the next twenty years, and I’m happy to do that and send you wherever you want to go. But you need to have a backup plan when I cut you off. Do you understand?”

  “I do.” And I was grateful to him for doing that for me.

  “Good.” He let go of my hand, and instead touched my knee. “Now, while you’re here, do you want to go swimming? I rented the heated pool for an hour-long slot this afternoon. It’s indoors and private, so no one will be judging you on whether or not you can swim.”