Reason to Believe (White Lace)

by Gina Gordon

  Professor Hughes continued, “We want the students to get a sense of what your real day is like. Don’t shelter them from issues, and wherever possible don’t load them down with fun and creative make-work projects.”

  “Professor, look, I don’t have a program. I was a bad student. I wear jeans to work. In the summer it’s shorts. I have no education. These students are almost my age and have more credentials than I do. I just point the camera at people having sex.”

  “You are more than a director, Mr. Lockwood. Are you not Vice President of White Lace Productions?”

  “I…” Yes, I was, but I still didn’t think of myself as such.

  “Someone saw enough in you to put you in a position of power. In a position to make decisions. A man who is trusted with these things is no hack.”

  I still didn’t know why Hirsh had trusted me enough to take over Max’s position. Maybe he’d had no choice. Actually, that was becoming more apparent every day, as he missed meeting after meeting. His no-show status was seriously affecting my ego. I’d never been the smart one, that was all Max. However, I had taken solace in the fact that I was creative. But Max’s endeavors into the hotel business had proven that he also had vision, creativity. So once again I was struggling with trying to measure up.

  “Mr. Lockwood. There’s one more thing.”

  Of course there was.

  “Every mentor participates in a speakers series sponsored by the program.”

  Just like the terror that had taken over when I’d walked into this office, once again I was struck with fear. “You want me to speak in public?” I was never the center of attention. At least not in a business capacity. I hated doing interviews. I hated accepting awards. I hated anything that took my eye away from the camera.

  Which meant when the time came for me to address the student body, I’d be way out of my league.

  I hated this feeling—insecurity in everything I did. I hadn’t felt like this since I was a kid. Since I’d had to compete for my mother’s attention.

  “You’ll speak one day to my class and the second will be open to the entire program. You’ll give a brief overview of what you do, mostly focusing on your directing experience, and the kids will take it from there. There are always more questions than minutes so I wouldn’t worry about having to fill the time.”

  This professor wanted me to be a legitimate businessman, despite the fact that my business was orgasms and cum shots.

  “So can Cory start next week?” she asked.

  This could be the big break I’d been hoping for. This could be the very thing I needed to prove to Hirsh that I could take this company to the next level. Then maybe he’d actually think I was worth his time and show up to my meetings.

  I nodded. “Yes. I’ll be ready for him next week.”

  She smiled in victory, extending her hand across her desk. “I look forward to your participation.”

  I went back to the office. Back to the stack of merchandise orders I needed to approve, location sites I had to scout, and the never-ending messages from actors wanting something from me. But concentrating on work proved to be difficult, considering my brain only wanted to recount the events of the night before.

  What did it mean that Grace had been masturbating to my video?

  I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. For one, it was fucking hot. Knowing that she wanted me and when unable to have the real thing had gotten creative. But it also made me sad, because the fact was, online there were videos of me having sex with almost forty women. Not at the same time, mind you. But I’d filmed thirty-seven POV scenes before Hirsh had promoted me to creative director of the company.

  Which was exactly why I knew I was never going to get a nice girl. Nice girls like Everly dated men like Max because he was a businessman. At the end of the day it wasn’t his face on camera. It wasn’t his dick inside way too many women.

  Good thing I didn’t have a mother that was expecting me to bring home a nice girl.

  I had wanted to cut my own balls off last night, the blue was so unbearable. I had no idea how I’d done it, but I’d managed to refrain from getting an erection even though the feel of her finger on my neck had had my blood pumping. The scent of her sex, still lingering in the air, had my heart hammering inside my chest. I would have given all four limbs just to throw her on the floor and fuck her until we both couldn’t speak. Couldn’t move.

  But I didn’t.

  Because deep down I knew that her every word and action was calculated to perfection. Grace knew exactly how to bring men to their knees.

  Fuck that action.

  I didn’t have time for another woman who lied.

  My mother, she might have stayed behind, but she was always more interested in her next boyfriend. The day that Ellie Levin showed up at my house and found me eating chips for dinner in front of the television by myself was really the first day of my life.

  The Levins had saved me, had taken me in when I’d needed a family. And I owed them everything.

  Which was why I’d promised myself I’d keep it in my pants until I could figure out how to do this vice president thing. I didn’t need any distractions. And Grace was an especially potent one. And now I had to spend time with her alone, making fucking swag bags?

  I threw my pen on the desk and fisted my hair, pulling it, relishing the small tinge of pain on my scalp.

  “Rough day?”

  I lowered my head, still holding on to my hair, and found Hirsh in the doorway. “Just…thinking about some things.”

  He walked into my office without pause. Not that he needed an invitation. This was his company. He stood in front of the metal chair opposite me, releasing the button on his suit jacket before sitting.

  His salt and pepper hair had more salt than pepper now that Max was gone. His eyes were sunken, black circles lined the lower lids and he had a yellowish color to his skin.

  I knew I wasn’t measuring up. I knew I could never fill Max’s shoes. But I never expected Hirsh to actually age because of my mediocrity.

  “How are things going?” he asked, tapping his hand on the arm of the chair.

  “Great,” I lied. “Just going over the merchandise orders. Lacey’s mold gets launched in a couple of weeks so I’m just double-checking that we have enough units going out to all of the stores.”

  Max had had a little trouble trying to get Lacey’s mold off the ground. A little trouble as in it had to be remolded because she’d been adamant that it was someone else’s vagina.

  “Good, good. I know you’ll take care of everything.” He wiped his palms on his dress pants, obviously feeling the awkwardness between us just as I was.

  I had no idea why things were awkward. And considering Hirsh was the one who’d taught me about masturbation when I was twelve, there was definitely something off.

  “I heard we have a new intern.” His words were an octave higher than usual, like he was surprised he’d thought of something to talk about. “From an accredited film program, no less. How did you swing that one?”

  Damn Barbara! I hadn’t even confirmed it yet and she was already blabbing.

  “I didn’t. He arranged it all himself.” He’d weaseled his way in, and I hadn’t been able to say no.

  This experience was either going to end with me being a huge joke or prove that I was more than simply the boy with too much imagination to sit still.

  “I just met with his professor and she’s gotten approval from the dean. Cory starts next week.”

  “I like that you’re taking an interest even though I know you’re swamped.”

  I might be able to fake it here, in front of Hirsh, but a classroom full of students was a totally different animal. And I needed help in the worst way. I had zero skills in public speaking. I had zero fashion sense, and a pathetic wardrobe that looked more like a near-homeless burger-flipper than a vice president.

  For all intents and purposes, I was more like the student than the mentor.

 
The only option was to jump right in, and hopefully I’d come out the other side in one piece.

  Chapter 5

  Grace

  I had downloaded number thirty-four.

  And I’d had the best solo orgasm of my life.

  Seriously, I was a perv. Who got off seeing a man they had a crush on with other women?

  I shook my head, walking into the high-rise office building downtown at Yonge and Adelaide. What had possessed me to take this meeting? I’d had to use public transportation because there was no way I was braving the drive into the center of the city in the middle of a weekday.

  I loathed public transportation and I had grown accustomed to having a personal driver who took me wherever I needed to go.

  My heels clicked on the tile as I walked up to security. An attractive man greeted me and it didn’t go unnoticed the way he sized me up as I walked toward the security desk.

  “I have an appointment with Collette Ellery.”

  She had recently taken over as CEO of Elle Cosmetics and was looking to reorganize the company. Apparently one of the clients I’d worked for over the summer had recommended me.

  Word of mouth was working in my favor, which was good for business and my bank account. However, I needed more of it considering it had been weeks since I’d finished my last contract job and I didn’t have anything else lined up.

  The security guard picked up a binder, flicked over a few pages, then laid it in front of me. “Fill this out, please.”

  I felt his eyes on me while I scribbled my name, the date and time, and when I looked up, he immediately averted them to one of the small televisions behind the desk. I clipped on the visitor badge and headed to the elevator. I pressed 18 then settled against the back wall.

  There had been a time when Jade would have flirted with Mr. Security Guard, leaving him a throbbing pile of goo upon her exit. I had learned from the best after all.

  When I first laid eyes on Sadie Spencer, I had been waiting for a classmate at a trendy bar downtown. She was with a John. I had been sitting beside them and eavesdropped on their conversation, somewhat in awe of her confidence. I had accidentally caught her eye and from that moment on she knew I was listening. Just before she left with her date she slipped across the wood, toward me, her bar napkin, on which she’d scribbled:

  It’s harder than it looks. Call me if you’re interested.

  She’d signed her note Stella—her escort name.

  I had immediately dismissed it. But then my world had come crashing down.

  The second semester of my first year of university, my parents had told me they’d lost all of their money in bad investments, which meant my tuition check for my second year was going to bounce. Not to mention the mortgage payments if they didn’t figure out a way to fix their finances, and quick. I’d known working at Gap wasn’t going to solve my problem. I’d needed a way to make a lot of money, quickly, not only for my tuition, but my parents needed help, and I couldn’t leave them hanging. Not if there was something I could do.

  So I’d called Sadie.

  I had lied and told my parents I’d gotten financial aid and a part-time job as a receptionist at a veterinary clinic. It had worked for a while, until they found out where the money really came from and had kicked me out of the house. Everly’s grandmother had been kind enough to take me in, which helped a lot, since all of the money I made from that point on was earmarked for school and building my nest egg.

  I had known that becoming an escort would make the road ahead much more difficult. I was prepared for judgment. But I couldn’t deny that I’d lost a little part of myself every time I had slept with a client.

  And now that I was done, I had no idea how to get those parts back.

  —

  When I stepped out of the elevator, I was directed by the receptionist to have a seat in the waiting area.

  She had red lips and a sweet little smile. Today, my lips were the same shade, but sweet could never be used to describe anything about me. But I knew there was a man out there who was willing to look past Jade and move toward a future with Grace. I wanted a suit-wearing, college graduate that would blend into the crowd and give me my picket fence and 2.5 children. I wanted someone who would give me normal, and that included sex. No kink. No sharing. Just your regular boring-missionary-with-the-lights-off sex.

  “Ms. Nolan?”

  I looked up, remembering I was here for a meeting and not to contemplate the sad state of my life.

  Collette wore Lane Bryant women’s wear and most likely colored her red hair from a box. Despite being in her early thirties, she looked far beyond her years. All she had to do was ask and I’d be happy to give her some fashion tips. If she was going to be the CEO of a cosmetics company, she needed to step up her game.

  Soft music played from a clock radio on a shelf behind her desk when I stepped into her corner office. I swiped my hands behind my butt and thighs, smoothing down my skirt before I sat on the black, fabric chair across from her.

  Her office was just as thrifty as her hair and clothing. An old, weathered coatrack sat by the door with an equally weathered trench coat hanging on it. The windows were covered in an inch of dirt and grime, which matched the color of the couch that sat behind me.

  “Ms. Nolan, I’ll cut right to the chase.” She settled into her black leather chair and placed her hands on her desk. “Your services are exactly what I’m looking for.”

  I had expected small talk. I had expected getting-to-know-you questions and frivolous banter. Instead, Collette Ellery wasted zero time letting me know why I was here.

  I liked that.

  “You came highly recommended,” she said. “Ken Wilson told me that you’re only interested in short-term contracts, but I was hoping that you’d consider working for me for an extended period of time.”

  I definitely wasn’t expecting that kind of offer.

  Ken had already done more than enough to help me. And now that he’d recommended me to Colette, it seemed I was indebted to him even more.

  “But…”

  Of course there was a but. There was always a but.

  “You’re also right out of school and I was hoping for someone a little more seasoned, but I am in a desperate situation.” She sat back; the white silk blouse she wore under her black suit jacket gaped open, and I saw much too much cleavage. “I want to change the direction of this company and I want as little resistance as possible.”

  A long-term contract was not what I was looking for. Contracts that lasted only a few weeks enabled me to satisfy my craving to meet new people, but also meant I didn’t stay in one place long enough for my history to come up in conversation. Plus, no one wanted to befriend the consultant hired to review their job specifications.

  Still, with no other contracts in place, I couldn’t afford to be picky.

  “I know you’re a consultant, but honestly…” She leaned forward, her red hair falling over one eye. “I need someone on my side.”

  “I’ll admit, I’m intrigued.”

  I had always been fascinated with meeting new people, figuring out their backstories and discovering what made them tick. Which made my decision to specialize in organizational behavior a given.

  “You’d still be a consultant, but instead of just completing a review and making recommendations, I’d like you to stay on and help with implementation and change management.”

  It meant I’d get to stick around and see my recommendations in action. To see if they actually worked, and have the ability to tweak them if necessary, based on the best interests of the company.

  “My mother built this company from the ground up, making face cream in our basement. It’s not enough anymore though. I have a vision, of course, but with senior executives who haven’t changed the way they do business since 1985, I’m having trouble convincing them to support my ideas. They are loyal to my mother and to the company, but not to me, so I expect a couple to jump ship now that I’ve taken over, but w
e can no longer operate like the Internet and social media don’t exist.”

  She was right. The company had virtually zero presence online.

  “I totally understand. Change is tough, trying to get people to change even more so.”

  Lucky for her, I had the special skill of figuring out people’s innermost wants, and using them to my advantage.

  “How did you get into this?” she asked, leaning forward on her desk. She was doing her best to look interested in my work, but I could tell she was more interested in me than what I studied.

  “I wanted to take something in school that I could use in the real world. No sociology or anthropology for me.” I smiled. “So I took business. I started off in human resources, but organizational behavior was much more fascinating. I’m good at reading people. Figuring out their motives. Everyone just wants to be heard.”

  She eyed me, not in envy, which was the usual look I got from other women, but in curiosity. However, there was still one burning question that hadn’t been addressed.

  “Why me?”

  She didn’t even hesitate when she responded, “You’re highly recommended. You’re young, so I assume you’re familiar with the current market, and…you’re cheap.” She was honest. I admired that. “I’m hoping you’ll at least consider my offer.”

  In all honesty, there was nothing to think about. I didn’t have any jobs lined up. Not one. Which made this my best offer. But I wasn’t going to jump at it. Desperation never worked for anyone.

  “Let me give it some thought.”

  I stood, extending my hand, and let Collette know that I’d like to take a couple of days to consider her offer. She was agreeable, and even gave me her personal cell number before I walked out of her office and took the elevator down to the lobby.

  I made my way home, and as soon as I walked in the door of my apartment, I was greeted by my newest friends—Cynders and Princess. I bent down, their purrs doing something to my chest, easing my tension, limiting the negative thoughts about failure that had all of a sudden taken front and center in my brain.