Reason to Believe (White Lace)

by Gina Gordon

“You’ve already got more education than I do. My knowledge comes from experience. And I can tell you that I’ve learned probably more from Cory than he’s learned from me.”

  I smiled at the kid and he blushed. Agreeing to have him intern with me had been the best decision I’d made since becoming vice president. The plans he had for his own future had opened my eyes to the possibilities I had for mine.

  “I love making movies. I got lucky with porn—no pun intended. My best friend’s dad owns White Lace and pretty much after we graduated from high school we both started working there. But I’ve been making movies my entire life. Aliens. Cops and robbers. Re-enactments of Harry Potter.” The group laughed. “Don’t laugh. It was good practice for when I filmed a XXX version.” They laughed again.

  “But it doesn’t matter what you film. Documentaries. Hollywood blockbusters. Porn. We all want the same thing—to evoke emotion. We want someone to feel what we put on-screen.”

  I threaded my fingers through my hair, pulling it back. My forehead was sweaty, the glaring lights at the front of the classroom didn’t help my nervousness.

  “I already know what you’re thinking. Easy. Penis plus vagina plus thrust equals feeling. And yes, that’s true, but I like to think my work has a little more nuance. I don’t like close-up shots of penetration.” With a grin, I thrust my index finger through the hole I’d made with my other hand. “It’s the facial expressions, the noises, the touching, all the stuff that turns people on in real life, that’s what I love filming.”

  “So girl porn?” the kid in the second row shouted out. The girl beside him smacked him with the back of her hand.

  “Not showing close-ups doesn’t make something female-friendly.”

  “Well, I want the close-ups.” He snickered, and I saw a few other male heads bob in agreement.

  “To each his own, which is why White Lace has several different lines, catering to all tastes. I’m lucky that I only have to film what I like. I get to stick to my vision. Which is the whole point of directing. You have a script or an idea for a scene and you need to get your actors to make that vision come alive.”

  If Cory learned nothing from me, I hoped he at least took that to heart.

  “I still get anxiety every time one of my scenes is published online. I still get nervous every time I call ‘action.’ Because it’s natural. I might talk a good game, but I’m just as scared about being criticized. When you work in a creative field, whether it’s film, or writing, or singing, or acting, the same rules apply. You pour a bit of your soul into every project, whether you want to or not. And I know it’s a little hard to believe, considering I film porn for a living, but it’s not. The only difference between a sex scene in a romantic comedy and one in porn is that you see the actual sex in porn. It’s still intimate.”

  That might be a stretch, but I believed it. And so did that journalist.

  “Working in porn, most people think it’s amusing. A lot of people think it’s disgusting. Immoral. Unethical. Dirty. But really, it’s just a business. Stereotypes are a nasty thing, and most of you had pigeonholed me as soon as I walked into the room. But let me tell you, whatever stereotypes you have about me, or this business, get rid of them. They will not serve you well.”

  I looked over at Professor Hughes. She smiled, a tiny twinkle of something in her eye, like she was proud of me.

  “But enough about me. I came here to answer your questions. How about it?”

  A male lifted his hand in the middle of the room and despite my good intentions, my stomach twisted. What would it be this time? Child abuse? Exploitation? Sexually transmitted diseases?

  “How are sites like Pornhub affecting your bottom line? Do you think free online porn is going to bankrupt the industry?”

  Immediately, my eyes found Max, who chuckled and shook his head in the back of the classroom. An insightful question. A real question.

  “It’s definitely changed the game. Actors are making lower wages. Companies are having to cut costs, shoot fewer feature films. But bankrupt? No. It’s about being adaptable. There are still millions of people who prefer to get their porn right from the source, and our online membership has doubled over the last five years.”

  Boom. Nailed it.

  “How do you feel about individual porn stars branching out and creating their own websites, with memberships of their own?”

  “The better a star can brand themselves, the more money everyone makes. Large corporations have to worry about their bottom line. Individuals can go all-in on themselves. They can take chances that companies like White Lace can’t. If it pays off, everyone wins.”

  Question after question was asked, all of them poignant and well thought out. At one point, I looked over at Cory, who just shrugged, flashing me a goofy grin. I couldn’t help but wonder if he had anything to do with the caliber of questions.

  Before I knew it, Professor Hughes was calling time. I had filled an entire hour. But before she sidled me off the podium, I wanted to say one last thing.

  “So hopefully one of you filmed this and will put it on YouTube, because if there is one thing I can say to you, if there is one thing I’ve learned, it has nothing to do with being a director. Be yourself, and that will shine through in your film. It will shine through in everything you do.”

  This time I got applause as I walked away from the podium.

  My chest swelled.

  Professor Hughes held out her hand and I shook it. I had impressed her. That nervous crook to her mouth was now gone and had turned into a full-blown smile.

  I had done it. And I’d stayed true to myself. I had done it, without Grace.

  I wasn’t sure where we were going from here. We still had to see each other, because our best friends were in love. But now that this session was over, we had no reason to interact. And it was for the best. I’d gotten caught up in her promises. Shame on me.

  She’d walked out. Walked away from me, just as I’d feared. At least now I knew where I stood, in exactly the same spot I’d been before we started this game.

  Alone. With no expectations.

  And from where I was standing, it was the safest place to be.

  Chapter 21

  Grace

  Sirens played in the background, like a soundtrack to my entrance into the hospital.

  Just like the lights of the siren sitting in front of the emergency room entrance, my head spun. I had gotten into my car and driven here in a fog. Knowing where I needed to go, but unable to remember exactly how I’d gotten here.

  I didn’t usually answer my phone when random numbers showed on the display, but it felt off. In my gut, I’d known something was wrong.

  And I had been right.

  I raced inside, my head and heart battling with each other. I felt awful leaving Ben. But knowing Sadie was in the hospital, that she had been the victim of an attack by a client, there was nowhere else I could be.

  I had shot him a quick text the first chance I got when I’d hit a red light, but it was vague. Sadie would want me to be discreet. I knew I was going to have to make up for this in a big way given everything I’d learned about Ben over the last few weeks, and I couldn’t imagine what might be going on in his head when all he had to go on was the sight of me walking away and the flimsy excuse I had sent in a text.

  The nurse was on the phone when I approached the glass, but despite her not paying attention, I couldn’t help my friend’s name from spewing out my mouth. “Sadie Spencer.” I might have even barged my way to the front of a line that wasn’t really a line, but I didn’t care. My friend was hurt and I had to get to her.

  With an annoyed look, the nurse directed me to the end of the hallway. Although I should have known where Sadie was being held because of the two police officers standing in the doorway.

  When I walked to her room, I nodded to one of the officers then slipped inside. Six beds, three on each side, were spaced out around the large room. Blue sheets hung from the ceiling, making it
so that each bed had its own private space.

  I walked over to the second bed, and when I stepped around the curtain, I gasped. I couldn’t help it. Tears stung my eyes and my heart, which was already racing much too fast than was healthy.

  Sadie’s face was swollen, her right eye pink and bloody. Her upper lip cut and crusted over with blood. White bandages held her face together in several spots. Her arm was in a sling and her left leg was in a cast.

  “Sadie.” Her name fell from my lips in a whisper.

  She was heavily medicated, hooked up to several monitors, and when I walked in, a doctor was looking over her chart.

  He gave me the details. Her nose had been broken. She had several contusions on her face, arms, and legs. Her wrist was sprained and her left ankle was broken. She had weeks of recovery ahead of her.

  “Miss?” One of the police officers made their way to our section of the hospital room.

  Oh, shit! Suddenly my clothes were too tight and much too confining, as I started to sweat with nervousness.

  “I’m Officer Higgins. The hospital called in a potential assault. Your friend is refusing a sex kit.”

  “I…” Fuck. What should I say?

  “Do you know who might have done this to her?” he asked.

  I shook my head. Technically that was the truth. She hadn’t spoken to me yet. But it didn’t matter if I knew, because even if she identified her attacker, there was no way she could report it to the police.

  “Does she have a husband? Anyone she might be dating?”

  “You’ll have to wait until she’s conscious and ask her.” I didn’t know what to do. What to say. I felt like the cop could tell that Sadie was an escort, that I had been an escort, just by looking at us.

  Which was completely ridiculous. If anything, I was just covering up for an abusive boyfriend or husband. Not the fact that my friend engaged in illegal activities.

  “Is there any way you can come back tomorrow? She’s been through a lot and she’s still in a lot of pain and on a lot of medication.”

  The police officer handed over his card. “Please have her call when she’s coherent. I’ll come by and take her statement.”

  I already knew what her statement was going to be—“I don’t remember.” She’d be too afraid of what would happen to her if they found out she was an escort. Whoever did this to her was probably going to get away with it.

  Fuck. This was bad.

  “Please let Ms. Spencer know that we will do everything we can to bring the person to justice.”

  I nodded as he walked away, stealing a glance at Sadie, who was thankfully still out cold.

  I pulled a chair closer to the bed and sat down, resting my hand beside her. With a heavy, unaware sigh, she snuggled deeper into the mattress.

  Two beds down a daughter fought with her elderly mother about being a drama queen. Apparently it was their third trip to emergency in five weeks. In the bed across from us, a middle-aged couple sat with a doctor, who explained that the husband had had a mild heart attack. The wife sobbed into her hands uncontrollably as the husband patted her back. A shrill wail sounded from down the hall, a child screaming at the top of his lungs. Given that Sadie was exhausted and fragile, I was glad the kid wasn’t in her room.

  I sat with her for a few hours as she nodded in and out of consciousness. I had wanted to call Everly and tell her about the situation, but Sadie had made me promise that I wouldn’t tell a soul. I understood her decision. Right now she was feeling ashamed. Victimized.

  I thought back to how close I had come to being Scott’s plaything. Why had I been lucky? Why had I been able to turn the tables and stop him from taking his sick actions any further?

  “Grace.” I recognized Sadie’s voice. It was familiar yet different. The same soft sound, but an unfamiliar uncertainty to her timbre.

  I looked up and she was watching me. When I asked, “Who did this to you?” all she did was look away.

  The action was worse than any response she could have given me. She wouldn’t look me in the eye. That action alone told me she was broken, not just on the outside. And it, in turn, broke my heart.

  She looked like a nightmare come true. My own nightmare. One I no longer had to worry about…or so I had thought. Scott had made his threat perfectly clear the night of the retirement party. We were never safe. No one was ever safe. Escort or not. There were always going to be people who wanted to hurt others, and sometimes you drew the short end of the stick.

  Sadie had drawn that stick tonight.

  “Please talk to me.”

  She didn’t even shake her head in response.

  “All right.” I reached out, pulling up the blanket. When I squeezed her hand, she cringed, tensing up and pulling away immediately.

  My friend was scared and in pain. And I didn’t know what I could do for her.

  The nurse had come in to check on Sadie. It looked like she wouldn’t be discharged till the morning, which didn’t bother me. I had called in to work on Monday after the retirement party, and once again this morning, thinking that some distance would be the best for everyone. Marta had called me, but I didn’t answer. Eventually I would have to face her, and Colette, but not today.

  When Sadie faded out again, I picked up my phone. Still no message from Ben. I didn’t blame him. No doubt he was pissed at me for leaving him high and dry.

  He’d said so himself, he had issues with people not following through on their promises. I had promised I would be there for him, and with one glance at my cellphone, I’d hightailed it out of the classroom. But surely he had to give me a pass once he found out the circumstances? Although, I wasn’t sure I could tell him. This was Sadie’s nightmare. Her story to tell. And I would keep her secret.

  I wanted to call him. I wanted to find out how the second talk had gone. I Googled some keywords, hoping that I might find a new video online. When I found one, my stomach clenched in nervousness. But after a minute of watching, I had no reason to be worried. He was amazing. Charming. Charismatic. Honest. He was Ben, and he’d done it all without me there. As it should be. He was a grown man who needed to figure out his own way in the world. Even if it was in porn. A small part of me had liked that he’d needed me to be there for him. But now a bigger part knew that he’d probably done so well in spite of me.

  The nurse came to check on Sadie once again. After several hours of sitting here, my own coherence was waning. I needed to find some coffee. I gathered my phone and purse and put on my coat and placed a kiss on Sadie’s head.

  Her tiny voice croaked behind me as I started to walk away. “Please don’t leave me alone.”

  My heart seized. Sadie was the least fragile woman I’d ever met. The first time I laid eyes on her I was in awe, wowed at her brazenness, her confidence, her subtle manipulation and overt sexuality.

  She had taught me everything I knew about being an escort. I couldn’t have survived it without her. I couldn’t have done it without her.

  She had been there the first time I’d gone all the way with a client. She’d held my hand while I’d sobbed uncontrollably. She’d whispered words of encouragement, telling me about her own experiences to make everything seem better. She had been there for me when I’d needed her.

  And there was no way I was leaving her now.

  I turned and smiled, settling in my seat for the night, realizing that the red hair matted and frizzy against the pillow was the only fiery thing left of my friend right now.

  The next morning Sadie was discharged and I drove us home. I settled her into bed and immediately called Everly. I wasn’t sure how to handle this. I couldn’t stop my body from shaking. Every little noise had me tensing in fear. Although I hadn’t been the one who’d been attacked, I couldn’t help but feel like it could have been me in that bed. It would have been so easy for it to be me in that hospital.

  Instead I’d had someone to intervene on my behalf. I’d had someone on my side. It had been less than twenty-four hour
s since I’d last seen him at the front of the classroom waiting to give his talk, but I missed him. Not to mention, I’d put together a special night for us, even bought him a gift. I hoped I still had the opportunity to go through with my plans. If he ever wanted to talk to me again.

  I had to try.

  The next thing I did was call work. I’d left a voicemail for Colette, explaining that my friend had been injured and that I needed to take some time off to take care of her. Distance from work was my best friend right now. Distance was the only thing keeping me from learning the truth about my future at Elle Cosmetics. And I wasn’t quite ready to learn what that future held.

  Sadie was not pleased when Everly showed up at our apartment that evening, but she was our friend. We’d lived together. If anyone was going to understand, it was her.

  I drove north on the highway to Ben’s house, knowing that he’d be home, taking RR2 to the barely visible driveway on the right. The gray November sky did nothing to invite me up to the porch, but I went anyway. The hydrangeas along the front of the house were long since dead. I knocked, then rang the doorbell when I heard a little movement from inside.

  Then the door swung open, and I knew immediately that my appearance was too little, too late.

  Ben didn’t even say hello. He barely looked me in the eye. My heart was already broken for Sadie, but seeing the look in his eyes right now shattered those broken pieces. I knew my heart would never be the same again.

  He was wearing nothing but black basketball shorts, his torso and feet bare, that tanned surfer skin making my mouth water.

  “What are you doing here?” He didn’t look happy to see me, and his greeting confirmed it.

  “I needed to see you, and…” A bitter wind whipped behind me and I shivered.

  I watched his nipples tighten and gooseflesh break out across his skin. I wished my appearance had been the one to elicit that reaction.

  “It’s cold.” He ran a hand across his beautiful hair with a sigh and took one step back, allowing me entry.

  Thank you, Mother Nature.