Right Now

by Marie Hall

  The second I clicked my seat belt back into place, she was back on the road, turning off at the first exit ramp and headed back toward home. My eyes kept straying to her face. An uncomfortable word was lodged in the back of my throat. It was big and full and taking up too much space. All I needed to do was open my mouth, let it come out, and I’d feel fine again. But every time I parted my lips to speak, to make that irritatingly simple and stupid confession, I just couldn’t. I froze up.

  Thirty minutes of silence passed. The tension was so thick I swear I could taste it on the back of my tongue. It was cloying and dark and when she finally pulled back into the tattoo parlor parking lot, it was almost a relief.

  She didn’t look at me when I gripped the car door, and I didn’t have a clue what to do. This had never happened to me before. Should I have just walked off, and never looked back? But I realized with startling clarity I really didn’t want to do that. I wanted another chance.

  Fuck.

  “Zoe, I—”

  “Good-bye, Alex.” Her tiny jaw clamped together and she was still not looking at me. Her words weren’t as sharp as before, not as cutting or piercing as they’d been earlier, but they were resigned and her voice didn’t sparkle. The laughter that’d lit her honey eyes all day was gone then, and I felt terrible.

  Shit, I screwed up bad.

  “Yeah. Okay then,” I said, and I knew they were the wrong words. I knew it, but I didn’t take them back because I was too much of a coward to say the real ones.

  The second I was out of her car, she pulled out, and five seconds after that she was gone, vanished within the Austin traffic. I was still standing in the parking lot, replaying the moment it’d all gone to hell.

  I grabbed my head, then headed to my truck. What the fuck was wrong with me? I liked her. Like really liked her. Zoe made me feel alive when I was around her, God… I probably scared the living crap out of her. That thought made me cold all over.

  Starting the engine, I pulled out in a squeal of tires and headed for home, suddenly depressingly exhausted. I’d planned to go out apartment hunting, but I was tired and felt like the lowest of life forms.

  Halfway to home my phone rang, the same ringtone as before. “Not picking up, so you can just hang the hell up,” I barked at it.

  I knew who it was; I knew what he wanted. The man could go jump off a bridge for all I cared. But the ringing continued on and on, unabated. The longer it lasted, the more my teeth started to grit. The sound of that ringtone was becoming more annoying than the scrape of nails down a chalkboard. Grinding my molars, I yanked the phone out of my pocket and muted it, then tossed it in the seat beside me.

  But the ringing went on and on, because my screen kept lighting up like a Christmas tree at night.

  Everything about that day, all of it, it came to a head. Meeting with Zoe’s parents, getting the third degree, kissing her, drowning in her touch and taste only to have her pull away and unload me in the parking lot like discarded baggage… It was just too damn much.

  I was almost at the house, sitting at a red light.

  I wasn’t thinking; I was just acting. I needed to breathe and the only way to do that was to make it stop. Rolling the window down, I grabbed the phone and I threw it as hard and far as I could into the empty, weed-infested field close to home. Finally I wasn’t able to hear it ring.

  I would cancel the number when I got home. I should have done that a long time ago. Should have made sure they couldn’t reach me anymore. Because really, what was there to say? I hate you. I wish you were dead. And if you are sick, I hope it kills you slowly, you miserable fuck.

  By the time the light turned green, I was only two turns away from my street. I was already beginning to feel better. More human. Like maybe I hadn’t messed things up too bad with her, but of course I should have known nothing good lasts. Not in my life.

  Because what I saw parked in the driveway made the blood in my veins run cold.

  “What the hell!” I hollered the second I was out of the door, slamming it so hard that if we’d had close enough neighbors, they’d have been crowding the windows to catch the fight in progress.

  My mom jumped, her blue eyes growing wide in her pale face. I hadn’t seen my mom in almost a year. Not since Ryan stopped hiding and pretending away what had happened . From the point he had let the mask drop, so had I. And I’d stopped going to the house full of toxic memories. She had lost weight. Like a lot. Her normally bottle-blond hair was now completely silver white and the circles around her eyes were deep and purple.

  “Alex, we need to talk.”

  I shouldn’t take it out on my mom—I knew that. She wasn’t the one who did it, and yet her silence had been a wound too. Shaking my head, I tried to brush past her, but she was quicker than her frail looks made her seem.

  Standing fully erect, she jumped in my path and pushed at my chest. “Alex, please listen to me. We need to talk.”

  “No, the hell we do,” I growled, balling my fists to my thighs, because right then I wanted to roar and scream and act like an animal. Seeing her hurt brought back all the years I’d had to hide and pretend and shrug the crap off that was killing Ryan and me.

  Suddenly the door was flung open, and Liliana’s large doe eyes were pleading with me. Her brows were pinched tight and she was staring between me and Mom. “I tried calling you,” she bit out.

  I wanted to kick myself in the nuts. “That was you?”

  “Alex, please listen to me.” Mom was tugging on my shirt, trying to manhandle me, force me to look down at her. But I was stronger than I used to be.

  Snarling, I yanked my shirt out of her grasp and stepped around her, intending to head into the house and lock myself up until she left.

  Liliana was biting her lip, and Ryan was nowhere to be seen. He had been going to Doc Alvarez for a while now, but I can’t imagine that seeing a physical reminder of the man who’d victimized him was good for him.

  “Where’s Ryan?” I asked her.

  Again Lili glanced at my mom. Then it dawned on me that when I’d pulled up, Ryan’s green sedan had been gone.

  “He left,” Lili whispered. “But Javi’s here.”

  And I knew exactly what she was telling me. Please don’t drag this drama into the house. The boy didn’t need it and she was right—she was fucking right. I nodded at her and she gently closed the door. Which meant I didn’t have a choice; the only thing I could do was turn around and face a woman I could no longer trust.

  “Five minutes, then you’re gone.” I crossed my arms over my chest. “What do you want?”

  “Why haven’t you called me back?” Her voice cracked and I turned my head.

  Gazing out at the empty lot of weeds in front of the house, I just shook. I would not let her tears and sobs make me break. I would not feel sorry for her. She’d made her bed, she could lie in it for all I cared.

  “You’ve got four now.”

  “Alex, please. We used to be able to talk—you used to love me. What happened? Ever since h…he.” She stuttered and I knew who she was talking about.

  “His name’s Ryan, Mom. You remember?” I snarled. “The boy your husband raped.”

  Her eyes grew wide and my fury burned brighter.

  “Stop it!” She screamed, clamping her hands to her ears. “Will you just stop? Please?”

  “What, does the truth bother you? You want me to go back to lying and pretending? Because I’m done. That shit is done, you hear me? No more, Mom. I can’t.”

  She bent over and grabbed her waist and fat tears were winding out from the corners of her eyes and the ice was thawing. I didn’t want it to. I didn’t want to move into her. Didn’t want to wrap my arms around her and pull her trembling, tiny form into my body while I gently patted her back, shushing her and whispering I’m sorry over and over again. But I did.

  Her hands were hanging on to my back, and no matter how much I hated him and couldn’t quite forgive her, she’s my mom. Will be till the d
ay I die.

  “Dammit, Mom. Stop crying.”

  She gasped for breath, shuddering violently against me, and then she nodded. I heard words, but they were not making sense. Her words were too garbled and full of hurt and I was cringing because I never wanted to do this to her.

  But seeing her, it brought it all back. The way she made me pretend I’d never told her the truth, that the sick bastard hadn’t done what I’d seen him do.

  “I tried so hard.” She finally whispered something I could understand. “I tried, Alex, do you understand? I kept him away from you. Didn’t you know that? I never let him near you, not alone.”

  I pushed her gently back, then forced her chin up so that she could do nothing but stare into my eyes. I shook my head. “You could have left him. You should have. Why did you stay? Why did you not tell the cops? Why, Mom?”

  Her jaw trembled and she looked so tiny and fragile, and I hated myself for hating her the way I did.

  “Mom…” My voice broke, shattering as the thoughts pervaded my mind, ripping through my brain like slivers of red-hot shrapnel. “Why?”

  After a heartbeat she lowered her eyes, her long lashes fanning her pale cheeks. “You wouldn’t understand.”

  Her words were so low I barely even heard them; I had to strain to make them out. “Then make me understand.”

  Her nostrils flared before she finally extricated her chin from my grasp. “Come to the barbeque. Please.”

  Just like that, the ice was back. “No.” The word was implacable, sharp and cutting, and she winced.

  “Please.”

  I stepped out of her arms. “He gonna be there?”

  “Alex, please.” The tears trembled in her voice again.

  I shook my head. “Go home, Mom. I’m not going to this gathering. Just go home. Go be with the one you chose.”

  The look that flashed across her face was one of pure devastation. Like I’d actually hurt her, but how was that possible? Because I wasn’t lying, she had chosen that ass wipe over us. As a kid I hadn’t understood, as a teen I’d grown to resent it, as a man… I hated her for it.

  “That’s not fair, Alex. You don’t understand. You don’t—”

  “Yeah, well, I don’t care either. How’d you get here anyway?” Scratching the back of my head, I looked around for her car. But apart from the normal ones I always saw, there was nothing.

  “Did you walk?”

  She shook her head, wiping up a tear with the pad of her thumb. “No, I knew if I parked where you could see me you wouldn’t stop to talk to me.”

  I started heading for the door.

  “You need to understand one thing, Alex. I love you. I do, and so does he. He only wants a chance.”

  “No.” I shook my head, grasping the knob. I felt her leaving, sensed her presence walking away. Something inside of me, maybe the little six-year-old me, wanted to tell her it would be okay, that I loved her too. But I couldn’t. Words—the real kind, the ones that actually mean something and weren’t just a way of getting what I wanted—have never come easy to me, the only time they have is when I was with Ryan. “Mom.”

  I turned just as she did. She was standing at the corner of the house.

  “Yeah?” Her eyes shined with hope.

  “Don’t come back.”

  I didn’t wait to see the light die in her eyes or the tears that were certain to be back. Instead I walked inside the house and tried to lock it away.

  But you can only lock things away for so long, eventually the closet gets too full and when it does, everything comes tumbling out.

  ~*~

  Zoe

  The Austin fair was in town. Jamie was trying her damnedest to convince me to go. But the last thing I wanted was to drown my sorrows with deep-fried Oreo cookies.

  “Listen, I’m just telling you, you totally overreacted.” Jamie twirled around, staring at her ass in the full-length mirror before wrinkling her nose and slipping the long white cotton skirt down her legs and stepping out of it. She walked back to her closet for the third time.

  Huffing a piece of hair out of my mouth, I rolled my eyes. “I did not overreact. He was using me. Plain and simple.”

  Shoving the same hangers aside as last time, Jamie growled. “Did you enjoy it?”

  “What?” I crossed my arms, plopped down onto the corner of her bed, and picked at a loose white thread on her bedspread.

  “The mini-o he gave you.” She rolled her eyes at me. “The kiss, you idiot. Of course. Did you like it?”

  I knew where she was going with this. So I said nothing, jutting out my lower jaw petulantly.

  “Yeah, your silence speaks volumes. And how long have you told me you wanted to make out with Alex Donovan? How many years did I have to hear you sing his praises? The size of his jewels. I swear, if I had a nickel for every time you said you wanted to make babies with him, I’d be a rich girl.”

  “That was in high school, J. It’s not the same.”

  Planting a hand on her hips, she speared me with a droll look. It might have been funny considering she was only wearing a lacy yellow bra and matching underwear, except for the fact that Jamie had a wicked mean look. It was all in the way she curled her nose and upper lip at the same time. Small as she was, she could be totally terrifying when she wanted to be.

  “You’re such a freaking liar. That’s why you ran off, that’s why you totally overreacted.” She rolled her eyes. “And that’s why you’re going to call him and apologize.”

  “A, I will not call first. B, no way will I apologize. He totally admitted it, Jamie. Flat-out admitted it.”

  “No.” She held up a finger. “The way you put it, he didn’t deny it. That’s very different than admitting he was using you. And so what if he was? I mean seriously. You’re young, act young.” She threw up her hands. “Stop being the Frost Queen. Just stop. Not everybody is gonna screw you the way Ryko did, all right? So just stop waiting for it to happen.”

  Yanking on a blue-jean skirt, she nailed me with another glower before pulling it on.

  “Now, you’re coming to the fair with me, and I don’t want to hear boo about it.” Tugging on the top I’d accidentally sat on, she pulled it out from under my butt and put it on. Then she twirled her hair into a tight ponytail.

  “No, I’m really not, Jamie. I don’t want to be the third wheel.”

  Sighing, she nodded. “Fine. But tomorrow, you and me. No take backs, got it?”

  “I never agreed to that.”

  “Zoe, I will kick your ass if you sass me one more time. Now say yes like a good little girl, or I’ll tell Angel that we’re staying in tonight.”

  Chuckling and muttering under my breath, I nodded. “Fine. Whatever. Since when did you become such a bitch?”

  “The day I agreed to be the Frost Queen’s roommate.” She smirked. “Now go away, you’re seriously killing my happy.”

  Scooping up Xian, I stuck out my tongue. “I hate you.”

  “Back ’atcha, kiddo.”

  The second I stepped out of the room, she slammed the door. That was Jamie, some days she just didn’t take bullshit, not even from her best friend, but I loved her for it.

  Back in my room, I gave Xi one last tickle behind her ear before letting her drop back to the floor. Then I plopped down onto the bed spread-eagle, staring up at the ceiling fan as it went around and around, hypnotized by its constant rotation.

  Was she right?

  Had I overreacted?

  I didn’t honestly think so, even now. I loved Jamie and I knew she was coming from a good place, but she didn’t know what I knew. That I liked him too much. That I couldn’t just use him for an occasional booty call. My heart would come out a mangled, mashed-up thing with Alex; I knew that. Being around him when all he wanted to do was be a man-whore wasn’t good for my sanity.

  I couldn’t play with Alex… because I wanted him too much.

  Chapter 7

  Alex

  Next morning found us al
l in our customary places around the kitchen table. Javi was sitting cross-legged on the rug in front of the TV with a bowl of cereal in his lap. Lili was on Ryan’s lap and he was feeding them both breakfast from the same plate. It was all so disgustingly domestic that with a loud sigh I shoved my half-eaten bowl of oatmeal aside.

  “Alex, seriously, it’s not that big of a deal.” Lili’s voice was soft, her hypnotic green eyes gentle in her face.

  Last night had been rough. I’d barely been able to sleep due to reliving mom’s surprise visit and the hurt that had flashed across her face when I’d told her never to come back. Between that and Zoe’s brush-off, my brain hadn’t been able to shut down long enough for me to relax.

  “Yeah, dude, I’m fine.” Ryan shrugged.

  They thought my mood was only about Mom. I hadn’t had a chance to tell them anything about Zoe. Not that it mattered—she wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

  “You were gone, man,” I finally said. “And she was outside. What do you mean it wasn’t a big deal? She came to our house.” A shudder rippled through me as I recalled what he used to do whenever anybody or anything reminded him of his dark past with my father.

  It’d been hell to try to keep Ryan alive these past few years. And that’s what it felt like I’d been doing—trying to keep him alive. Two years ago I’d almost failed. If Lili hadn’t been here, if she hadn’t found him slumped over in the bathtub with his wrists slit, he wouldn’t be here now. Thinking about it made me angry—at him; at Mom; but most especially at John, aka sperm donor.

  “Look.” Ryan rubbed Lili’s outer thigh while his other fingers traced her kneecap. “It’s not what you think. Dr. Alvarez told me when something happens that makes me have a freak-out to go for a run. I took the car far away and that’s what I did. It’s all good, man.”

  Lili toyed with the edges of my cousin’s now-longer hair. It was strange sometimes to see Ryan now. In the beginning, when he and Lili had first met, I could never have imagined how far they’d come. How far Ryan would come. I could still vividly remember the guy who drank himself into oblivion and vomited all over the bathroom from the nightmares that would wake him from a dead sleep. He’d always been on edge, cold, most times unlikeable. But now he was calm, peaceful even.