Two Lovers

by Edie Bryant

  I felt guilt about that, too. But I couldn’t control my feelings. I tried so hard to make it work with him, so hard to convince myself this was what a normal relationship was supposed to be like.

  But, I believed he was right. I thought, even when relationships get comfortable, they had some passion. I’d always been comfortable with Sara, after all. I could tell that girl anything. She’d been my best friend and confidant that year we’d been together. She had known every damn thing about me. And yet, I’d still loved her so deeply.

  I was going to tell myself that this was for the best. That I would one day find someone I was passionate about. That Brandon would also be able to find that. And that both of our happy endings were still coming… once we got past how shitty this all was.

  And, from now on, I wasn’t going to settle. I wasn't going to be with just anyone because I couldn’t handle being alone. I was going to be better, do better, find someone I was absolutely crazy about.

  It’d happened once already, right? I think that meant it had to happen again. Maybe not for a long time, but, eventually, I’d meet the right person. I just knew it.

  I no longer wanted to spend my night watching crappy reality shows long into the night. Nothing sounded fun anymore. My whole life had been flipped upside down again, and I just wanted to escape it.

  Even though it was only like seven, I decided I’d take a hot bath and go to bed. Sleep was the only way I was going to be able to truly escape my problems, even temporarily. It was the only way to get a reprieve from all my guilt.

  4

  Sara

  On Friday, I had successfully managed to avoid looking suspicious to Lauren for the rest of the day. I didn't think there was any question in her mind that everything wasn’t completely normal between us.

  Not that it had been hard to do, obviously she thought I was a total stranger, so why would I have any reason to feel weird toward her?

  And, after I’d had a weekend to decompress, I was convinced I’d be able to convince her for the rest of the week, too.

  I was no longer bothered by the fact that she had a fiancé. I'd acknowledged it, I’d accepted it, she and I were never going to be together. Which was fine.

  More than fine, it was great. Because I didn’t move back here to reconnect with my ex, who I’d assumed had moved out of our college town long ago. No, I had moved here to advance my career. And to stay single while I explored myself for the first time in my adult life.

  And I couldn’t wait to do those two things.

  When I got into work, I gave Lauren a cordial hello, and we got started training again. I was proud of myself. Not only was I completely focused on my training for the day, I kept things very business-like with Lauren.

  I wasn’t even very affected by her today. I wasn’t obsessing about how I felt about her or the fact that she was taken. I obviously couldn’t shut down every single feeling, but I did the best that I could.

  When the power to stare at her became a little too strong, I’d compensate by focusing on something else in the office. It could be anything. I stared out the window sometimes and tried to watch the clouds slowly move across the blue sky. Or sometimes it was as simple as focusing on the ridges in the stapler on her desk. Literally anything that kept me from getting too distracted by her. And it was working.

  As six o'clock approached, I knew I’d made it through the day home-free. And I was starting to get convinced that I’d easily be able to keep this up over the next few weeks until she left.

  “So, I take it you got a better position somewhere else?” I asked Lauren casually, as we got ready to leave. We had finished up with training for the day and were just waiting the ten or so minutes until we could clock out. And while I was committed to not making casual conversation with her during work hours, it was a little awkward now that we had nothing to do and we still weren’t talking.

  “Oh, I got a better position, but not elsewhere.” She smiled. “I’m actually just being transferred into a higher position in the company. So, you know, it should be good. I’m actually really glad I don’t have to leave this company, it’s a great one to work for. You’ll like it a lot.”

  Oh, shit.

  She wasn’t not leaving?! Well, that ruined my entire fucking plan! Holy shit, I should have asked this question a long time ago!

  “Is something wrong?” Lauren asked, looking very curiously at me.

  Fucking fantastic, now I was doing that wear my heart on my sleeve thing.

  “No, I’m fine.” I forced a smile. “I’m sure I’ll like it here, too. It seems like a very great company,” I said distractedly.

  I couldn’t focus. I didn’t know what to do. Thank god the day was pretty much over, because I didn’t know how to keep my composure after this.

  Okay, it’s fine, I told myself, you’ll go home tonight and figure out a new plan.

  I had no idea what the new plan would be, though. I had no idea what could possibly get me out of the fact that I’d been lying to her. Fuck, what was that moment going to be like? When she finally realized who I was and what I’d done? Eventually, my name was going to get thrown out there, and she was going to realize.

  Or, hey, maybe not! Maybe she didn’t remember me like I remembered her at all. I might be a blip in her memory. Just because I’d thought of her so much over the years didn’t mean she’d thought of me. She had a fiancé, for crying out loud. Obviously she had moved on and was very much in love with another person.

  We had just a couple minutes to go until we could leave, and I was counting down the seconds. But right when we were packing up our stuff and about to head out, we were interrupted by the receptionist.

  “Hey, Lauren, here is all the paperwork on your trainee. It has her ID badge and everything.” She handed her a manila envelope.

  “Awesome, thanks, Katie,” she said, as she took it from her.

  It didn’t take long for me to process what she had said. That manila envelope had my… ID badge. And my ID badge had… my name.

  Fuck, fuck, fuck!

  Okay, breathe, maybe she will just hand it to me. Maybe she’ll never see it.

  I thought there was a possibility that if she just heard my first name in passing, she might not realize who I was. But if she read my full and last name on my fucking ID badge, there was no way that wouldn’t spark a memory for her.

  To my dismay, she didn’t just hand it to me. She dumped the contents out on to her desk and then started getting them in order.

  Once she pulled out the ID badge, she started laughing.

  “Wow, okay, so I only just realized that I’d been training you for two days and I never managed to get your name!” she said, before reading it. “So, nice to meet you…. Sara.”

  She froze.

  “…Sara?” she repeated, this time as a question.

  “Yes?” I said nervously.

  “You’re not… but this can’t…” Her jaw dropped. “You’re Sara,” she said, in final realization.

  “Yes…” I said quietly.

  “But you look so different, you look nothing like… but you are.”

  “I am,” I acknowledged.

  She shook her head in disbelief. “But you knew who I was. Right? You must have, because you understand perfectly my surprise right now, so… you knew?”

  “I knew,” I admitted. “I may look different, but… you really don’t.”

  She clasped her hand to her mouth. “Two days… two days, and you never said anything?”

  I just stared at her in horror. Holy shit, why did I do this? I thought by avoiding telling her my name, I’d avoid a mortifying situation, but, fuck, this was so much more mortifying. It would have been so much less awkward if I had just fucking admitted to her who I was the very first day.

  Now she knew that, for days, I’d known who she was but said nothing. For fucking days?! I sounded like a crazy person.

  “Why didn’t you say anything?” she asked, her tone clearly accus
atory.

  “I… I don’t know,” I admitted.

  “You just let me continue to have no idea who you were? Why? I… I don’t understand, Sara. Why wouldn’t you just say something?”

  I took in a deep gulp of air. “Because… I don’t know! I walked into the office, I saw it was you, and I froze! I felt so awkward. So when you didn’t realize who I was, I just… pussied out. I got nervous.”

  “But why would you be nervous? I don’t understand. What did you think I was going to do to you? You expected, what, that I’d see you were my ex, and I’d try to go get you fired or something? Like, I know I was dramatic in college, but you don’t really think that little of me, do you?”

  “No…” I said, anxiously.

  That wasn’t the point I was trying to convey at all. What she was describing had never even popped into my head as a possibility. I’d never thought she’d try to get me fired.

  I’d been nervous because… well, honestly, I’d been nervous because I had been thinking about her just moments before I had walked into her office. I’d been nervous because I had been fantasizing about her and had been missing her for the last several years.

  I felt too much for her. That’s why it scared me. Even after all these years, seeing her sent chills down my spine. That was the real reason that I’d frozen.

  But I couldn’t very well say that to her. As humiliating as this whole situation had been, the worst of it would definitely be having to tell my ex-girlfriend, who was now engaged, that I still thought about her.

  “Sara, I would have kept things professional. I’d never do anything to jeopardize your career and… just, wow. You think so little of me.” She gave a sarcastic laugh and shook her head.

  Nothing could be further from the truth. I thought so, so much of her.

  But how could I say that without sounding weird?

  “I’ve got to go,” Lauren said suddenly, looking at the clock. “See you tomorrow.”

  Oh my god, I couldn’t let her leave like that! I couldn’t allow her to walk away thinking I hated her and I’d lied to protect myself. I guess I did lie to protect myself, but not in the way she thought!

  I wanted to yell out for her to stop, to wait and listen to me, but in the end, I couldn’t. I let her walk out the door because I was just too scared. Just like I’d been too scared and I couldn’t tell her the truth to begin with.

  Fuck, how could I have let this get so out of hand?

  5

  Lauren

  Congratulations, universe. Just when I’d thought my life couldn’t get any worse, you do it. You add insult to injury.

  I wasn’t exactly angry at Sara, though I probably should have been. Mostly, the emotions I was feeling now were sadness and hurt. And I already was feeling pretty sad before getting into all this.

  I felt worse this morning when I woke up than I had the night before.

  The weight of what I’d done to Brandon had hit me, and I was starting to really question where I was going in life. If I was ever going to be with someone I loved deeply again… if I was going to be alone forever.

  And the fucking ironic part was that when I’d thought of all this, I’d thought back to Sara. I’d thought of Sara over and over again. I’d dreamt about what it would be like to meet her again, of how it would be start a relationship again as adults.

  Because I wasn’t the kid I’d used to be. I wasn’t nearly as immature as I had been back then. I wouldn’t allow jealousy to ruin my relationships, not again. Especially not if it was with Sara…

  I knew it was silly because this was all wishful thinking. I was never going to run into her again, or so I’d thought. It was all a moot point.

  Then to find out that not only was I going to see her again, but I already had! I was fucking training her the whole time!

  I guess it was a little bit my fault that I hadn’t recognized her. As much as I’d thought about her, you’d think I would. But my, she’s fucking grown. She’d been so skinny when I’d met her… and I’d always thought she was beautiful, but now? Just, wow, she was so fucking hot. She had curves in all the right places and her style accentuated her body so well. She was sexy as fuck.

  Even before I’d found out who she was, I’d honestly been eyeing her. I couldn’t help it, she was an undeniably attractive woman. I’d never seriously considered her because I’d assumed she was straight, but I thought she’d be nice eye-candy for the next few weeks.

  As it turned out, she wasn’t straight at all! And I should know, considering I already fucking dated her.

  I don’t know why this hurt me so badly. It really shouldn’t, right? Like, I hadn’t seen this girl in years. What did I care that she’d hid who she truly was from me?

  I did care, though, so damn much. Especially because I'd been thinking about her so often lately. I hated to say it, but I cared what she thought about me, a lot.

  And as it turned out, her opinion of me was very, very low. She didn’t even feel comfortable telling me who she was, like I was going to somehow find a way to make life a living hell for my ex.

  I know I hadn’t been exactly a great girlfriend back then. I’d had my flaws, and she’d had her reasons to leave me. I knew that. I still knew it.

  But even with all those flaws, I’d still thought that she’d loved me. Still believed that she’d looked at me in a mostly positive light. Maybe that was naïve. I don’t know. I’d just imagined it was one of those situations where she’d been like, yeah, I loved her, but there were some flaws I couldn't live with.

  That was how I’d always liked to imagine it. In my mind, she’d transferred schools because it had just been too hard for her to see me every day when we couldn’t be together. But now I was seeing everything in a whole new light.

  She still thought I was trash and, fuck, maybe I was. I hadn’t just ruined the relationship I’d had with Sara, I’d very recently ruined the one I had with Brandon, too. I’d ruined every relationship I’d ever had.

  And when each one of those relationship failed, my mind went back to Sara. It always did. She was my dream girl, my relationship fantasy. I think, when things went bad, it made me feel good to think about her. Like, at least I’d had one solid relationship, with her.

  But here was the reminder that it hadn’t been that solid at all. That I was the same piece of shit I always was, and, even after all these years, I had literally nothing to show for myself. I couldn’t make one fucking relationship work.

  I didn’t know what to do with myself when I got home. It was funny because yesterday, when I had come home to a dark house, I had been elated. Because it had meant Brandon was gone, and I could spend time by myself.

  Now, when I got home to a dark house, I was completely deflated. Because it meant Brandon was gone, and I had to spend time by myself. And maybe this was how it would always be, since I couldn’t seem to make a relationship last.

  I didn’t want to binge watch TV like I had last night. It just wasn’t appealing to me anymore. Nothing that I normally wanted to do was appealing to me.

  So, oddly enough, I decided to take a bath. I was a shower kind of person, usually. But I know a lot of people say hot baths really relax them, and that’s what I needed right now, to feel truly relaxed. And hopefully it’d also make me a bit sleepy, because all I wanted to do right now was go to bed and forget all about how shit my life had become.

  I did everything in the bath properly. I had some Epsom salts there from a long time ago, and I poured those in along with some bubble bath and turned the water to a comfortable heat. I let myself sink into the deep tub and imagined that I was far, far away from here. I did my best to disappear.

  But it didn’t work. The quieter the house was, the louder my mind became. Even sticking my head underwater could not quiet what was going on in my head. I was switching between obsessing about Brandon to obsessing about Sara.

  Mostly Sara, though. What I thought about Brandon was mostly about how shitty I was to him. But, wi
th Sara… there was so much more to obsess about. Like how my fantasy was now only ever going to be that… just a fantasy. I was never going to even be able to rely on that fantasy to make me feel better. Not now that I knew how Sara really felt about me. Not now that I knew literally everyone I’d ever dated really did think I was a piece of shit.

  Still, though, it didn’t help. I soaked in that bath all goddamn night. I wasn’t hungry, so I never was tempted to get up and eat. I just kept refilling the bath with hot water every time it started cooling off. Occasionally, I needed to empty out some water to make room for more hot water, which I did, along with adding some bubble bath. It never became relaxing, but it was warm, and I just couldn’t will myself to get out and do something.

  Eventually I got tired enough to roll into bed. I got out of the bath hesitantly, dried myself with my largest towel, got into my favorite pajamas, and sank into bed. By that time, I was too tired to allow my mind to drift to Brandon or Sara. It only drifted into nothingness, just like I wanted it to.

  6

  Sara

  I went into work the next day determined to set things straight with Lauren. I’d frozen in embarrassment before, but now that I'd had the time to think, I'd worked out exactly what I was going to do and say. I absolutely wouldn’t freeze this time.

  And I wouldn’t let her think something that wasn’t true, either. I didn’t want her to believe that I hated her. Even if I had to admit the exact opposite, that I still loved her and how that embarrassed me.

  I didn’t exactly have nerves of steel going into the office, though. I was anxious as hell. But, it didn’t matter, because I was goddamn determined to be honest and open with her.

  When I walked into her office, she was looking down and dejected behind her desk. Just seeing she was obviously still upset made me feel like a total piece of shit.

  “Hey…” I said slowly, as I walked into the room.