My Now & Forever

by HJ Bellus

  When I entered the living room with full plates, Cree was wearing bunny ears and putting together a dollhouse. I really need to make a calendar filled with shots of just him. We all sat in the living room eating our breakfast. Thirty minutes later, Willow woke up with a major hangover look. I was thankful that Cree had rode away my drunkenness last night. Then Greyson, who was oblivious to his make-up, came strolling out into the living room. All of us adults gasped and covered our mouths.

  “Unky Grey!”

  “What, princess?”

  “You is wearing make-up like a girl!”

  “That could have been you,” I whispered into Cree’s ear!

  Greyson rushed into the bathroom and started laughing! He was so well-natured and loveable.

  “Payback sucks, ladies!” is all he yelled.

  “Milly, the bunny left you a great big golden, shiny egg.”

  “He did? Are you sure it’s mine?”

  “Yep, see your name?”

  Annie plopped down into my lap and handed me the egg, with her cute little grin plastered on her face.

  “Annie where did you get this?”

  “My daddy”

  Cree just shook his head at Annie. I popped open the golden egg to find two silver bands nestled in tissue paper. A solid sliver ring my size was in the tissue paper. It had Cree and Annie’s name stamped on it. I slid it onto my finger and picked up the other ring. It was tiny and obviously for Annie. It read, “Princess.”

  “Annie Bug, this one is for you. Look!”

  She gasped and covered her mouth with her hand. Cree and I both giggled at her reaction.

  “It’s beautiful. What does it say?” She asked.

  “Princess. Let me put it on for you!”

  “Milly, these are like those best friend necklaces those big girls have at dance.”

  “Yep. But these are better, because they’re ours!”

  Chapter 25

  Mother’s Day

  Milly,

  I am so hapy that you are my mommy. You are the cheerio to my milk. The sauce to my sgetti and the choklate chip to my kookies. I lov you and want you to come to the Muther’s Day breakfast at school wif me. I lov you.

  You dotter,

  Annie

  “Cree you have to look at what Annie gave me when I picked her up from school today.”

  “That is too funny! Did she write one for me?”

  “It’s for Mother’s Day you dork!”

  “Well…”

  “Would you like to be my date for the breakfast?”

  “You know it!”

  ***

  Annie’s classroom was decorated with all kinds of art projects. The tables had been pushed together and covered with red and pink paper. Annie met us at the door and pinned a rose to my shirt. Cree scooped her up and kissed her. Then he started eyeballing the room for the little boy he knew had a crush on his little Annie.

  We both took a seat at Annie’s table and introduced ourselves to the other moms. Cree was the only father there, but it didn’t bother him in the least. That’s what I loved about him - he threw out the normal and typical parameters of life, lived in his own little bubble and enjoyed the hell out of it. He was also some damn fine arm candy for all the other mothers to ogle over.

  Each student had to introduce their mom. I was getting nervous for Annie because I wasn’t sure how she was going to react. She has never called me the M word. She has referred to me as being in the position of her mom, but never actually used the words. Which was fine with me - I would be her Milly for eternity. When it was her turn, she grabbed me by the hand and marched me right up to the front of the room.

  “This is Milly, and she is my mommy. My mommy has The Shop in town. I like to go there with her because she squirts cream in my mouth and lets me play dress up. My mommy’s favorite food is mac n’ cheese, and she likes it when my daddy cooks bacon. I’ve never had a mommy before Milly. I know she loves me because she smiles a lot at me. This is my mommy.”

  Annie then handed me the little hand print card she made me, and her class applauded her speech. We sat down and the next student tugged their mom up to the front to introduce them. Annie crawled up into my lap and Cree squeezed my hand. He could see the absolute joy and contentment on my face. I didn’t want this moment to end. I wanted to rewind the last three minutes and relive them for the rest of my life.

  Annie had just accepted me into her life as her mom. The feeling of being someone’s mom was so overwhelming and gratifying at the same time, I wanted to scream with joy. Annie wasn’t genetically mine - I didn’t get to carry her in my womb for nine months and give birth to her, but she was mine. She had planted a seed in my heart that I would carry with me now and forever. She was mine.

  Then it happened like it always happened when the M words was being used. My mind reeled back to my own mother and remembered how easily she let me go and never came back for me. How cruel must one person be to leave their own flesh and blood in a corner to rot? She left me not worrying where I would get my next meal or if I would live. She left me in a cockroach infested trailer with cocaine pipes scattered everywhere. She left me in a trailer with no food or running water. She left me bruised and scared.

  She did all this when I was only five, the same age as my sweet Annie. She was a cold, heartless bitch. It wasn’t me it was her and her cruel heartless soul. It wasn’t my fault she left. I couldn’t have done anything to stop her from choosing my dad. It was her to blame, not me. She lost my trust and my love.

  I had to let her memory go. I had to let the sensation of her kicking my stomach go. I had to let the word abortion go. I had to let my fears go. I had to let my mommy go, so I wouldn’t think of her angry face the day she pushed me down, every time someone says the word “mommy.”

  I’m letting her go, so I can be a mom. My mom couldn’t make me bleed anymore. Her power over me had run dry. Annie fixed my bleed with her carefree and gentle love. I felt a tug on my hand that pulled me from my thoughts.

  “Mommy, we have to get in line for our food.”

  With those sweet words, there was no longer an M word in my vocabulary.

  ***

  I woke up to Annie and Cree’s faces smiling brightly at me.

  “Happy Mother’s Day,” they sang in unison, setting a platter of food in front of me.

  “Annie, you already gave me my gift silly girl. But thanks for this beautiful breakfast!”

  “Yep! Daddy cooked you bacon, and I poured the juice and washed them strawberries.”

  “Well, let’s dig in!”

  There was only one platter of food, but we all ate off of it together. Cree tried to snag the last strip of bacon, so I growled at him, then gave him an old fashioned titty-twister!

  “Mommy, I have one more present for you!”

  Annie handed me the Sunday edition of the local newspaper, I was clueless. I never read the paper, or read much of anything for that fact. I smiled and tried to cover up my confusion. Cree whispered in my ear to open it!

  I opened the paper to find letters written by students from Grace Elementary to their parents. My eyes immediately searched for Annie’s name.

  To My Mommy,

  Roses are red

  Violets are blue

  I sure do lov you!

  You are my favorit mommy. I love you to moon and back. Thank you for tacking me to dance class and giving me kisses. I’m gunna make daddy make you bacun for breakfast. I luv you.

  Your Dautter,

  Annie Bug

  Kindergarten Student

  Grace Elementary

  Ms. Fallon James

  “Oh Annie, you complete my world!”

  Cree started a wrestling match with me. And of course, Annie had to rescue me from her daddy.

  “I have to go check water. You ladies enjoy your morning. I should be back in a couple of hours.”

  Cree kissed each of us and then left. Annie and I spent the morning huddled up in the bed watch
ing cartoons. Lacey and Willow joined our cartoon party. All of us girls enjoyed the best lazy Sunday morning in the history of Sunday mornings.

  We knew the guys would be working until late afternoon, so we decided to go down to the lake to enjoy our routine Sunday picnic. Willow claimed that she already packed all the food. We hopped into Betsy and drove down the dirt road. Annie sat on my lap and helped me steer since we were driving out on the farm. We blasted our theme song, “Girls Just Want to Have Fun,” and drove down the dirt road to our favorite family spot.

  My eyes instantly spotted the large canoe on the lake with a huge bouquet of brightly colored balloons floating easily in the air above it. Cree was standing on the dock with his go-to large bouquet of wildflowers. That sneaky little pirate!

  “Surprise, Mommy!”

  It was a surprise! We spent the afternoon floating around in the canoe, eating and playing UNO. Lacey had her camera and snapped several shots of us. That night I went to bed my with heart overflowing.

  Chapter 26

  Stray Dog

  Monday Morning

  I woke up with a cheesy-ass smile still plastered to my face from the best Mother’s Day ever. I turned to see Cree still sleeping. I started raining kisses up and down his back to wake him.

  “Baby! I have to go to The Shop early this morning. I have a delivery truck coming!”

  He rolled over and grabbed my hips, pulling me up onto him. He suggestively started thrusting his hips up, making me giggle.

  “Stop! I have to shower and go!”

  “MMM…me too, I need to shower and go right inside of you.”

  “You are so dirty!”

  “You love me,” he said with a wink.

  “Listen to your Captain and get your ass in my shower matey, so I can fuck you!’”

  ***

  Now I really did have a shit-eating grin plastered on my face while driving into town. The sun was barely peeking over the horizon and I realized that everything in my life was perfect. I remembered my Poppy’s words, “Every day is a new beginning.” The words rang so true on my journey to finding my place in the world. My heart was overfilled with love, and my mind was content for the first time in my life. I had done it. I had found my peace.

  I pulled into the alley to see that I beat the delivery guy. I reached for my phone to shoot Cree a dirty text while I was waiting. It was our favorite game to play. Cree even started sending me pictures, which made me freaking drool. I searched all over in my purse, checked my pant pockets and even looked under my seats, but I couldn’t find my phone. I must have left it in the bathroom when Cree was distracting me this morning.

  CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!

  I jumped straight up and grabbed my chest. I turned my head towards the sound and screamed. A flash from the past stood before me. It was the man who left scars on my already shattered heart. It was Aaron. He was standing inches away from me, the only protection I had was a glass window. Aaron had never hit me during our marriage, but he knew how to use his words to make me bleed. He stood at the driver’s side window, pounding on it with his fists.

  My body instantly started shaking at the sight of him. His hair was greasy and long, and he wore a soiled grey t-shirt. His face was broken out in a red rash and the look of hatred in his eyes was undeniable. The sight of him made vomit rise up in the back of my throat. I was frozen with fear and anxiety. Why in the hell was he here? Before I could make a move Aaron swung open the door.

  “What? You don’t have anything to say, you rotten little cunt?”

  He grabbed my face with his right hand and started shaking it. I couldn’t move - I was still frozen with fear and complete shock. He was here for one reason and one reason only…to hurt me, and I knew from the look on his face, he was going to.

  “Are you having fun spending all of my mom’s money, you little bitch?”

  He let go of my face and slapped me hard. I jerked away and tried to scramble out the other side of my truck. I made it to the backdoor of The Shop before Aaron grabbed me around the waist and slung me to the ground like his piece of trash. My head bounced off the brick wall and everything started to blur. He reached down and ripped off my shirt, and started pounding his fist into my face. I tried to cover my face with my arms and kick my legs to fight back. My actions of defense only fueled his rage. He jumped on top of me and grabbed both of my wrists. I pushed back, trying with everything inside of me to fight him. I heard the sound of my bone breaking and then instantly felt a rush of searing pain bolt through my body.

  “You fucking ruined my life! You ruined me…you took my money! I lost it all because of you. I lost the firm. You are going to write me a fucking check right now, before I smear your goddamn brains all over this alley.”

  “I’m not scared of you anymore. You can break my bones, but that’s it Aaron. You no longer hold any power over me.”

  I am not going to give in to him. He cannot hurt me or hold me hostage anymore. My heart is not his to break.

  I spit up into his face.

  “I’m not fucking around, Amelia. You have about ten seconds to save your life.”

  I spit up into his face again and kneed him hard in the balls. Aaron was so far gone. The Bastard I knew had morphed into this savage beast before me. He lost it at that moment, and went into a wild rage of beating the shit out of me. I started screaming as loud as I could, someone had to save me or I was going to die. Aaron shoved my shirt in my mouth, to turn off the noise. The last thing I remember was Aaron slamming a pipe towards my head, and then it all stopped. He slumped over and fell to the side of me. Lacey stood behind him with a baseball bat. I let out a sigh of relief and let my mind shut off. Everything went black.

  In and out, in and out, in and out went the sharp needle above my eyebrow. The cool string was gliding through my skin. Metal tearing through my flesh…pinching piercing pain. Warm blood dripping down into my ear while the needle keeps hooking my skin and poking through it. Blood. Bleeding.

  I open my eyes to find Lacey standing above me. She is spinning. The room is spinning. I close my eyes to try this again. The room is still spinning, and now I feel tears spill from my eyes.

  “Close your eyes Milly. You are safe.”

  “Where am I?” I whisper. Shooting pain strikes my cut lips when I try to talk.

  “The hospital. You are okay Milly. The police have the Bastard.”

  “Cree…where?”

  “I don’t know Milly. I am sure he is on his way.”

  I give into the dark again. The darkness is comforting and warm. I have no worries or concerns in the darkness. I can’t feel. I swirl around in the black cloud for what seems like endless hours feeling nothing, but wanting to escape it. I can now hear Willow’s voice whispering in the room. I don’t want Willow or Lacey, I want Cree. Where is he?

  “Where is he?” I whisper.

  “Are you in pain Milly?” asked Willow.

  “Where is he?”

  No answer came from my two best friends. My vision was way too blurry to read their facial expressions.

  “Where the fuck is he? He doesn’t want me now, does he?”

  A demon entered my body at the thought of Cree turning his back on me now. I sat straight up and ripped the IVs from my arm, screaming. Screaming like I had never screamed before. Screaming desperately for my life back, that I needed it back now. Lacey grabbed me and held me tight. I continued to scream into her shoulder.

  “Milly stop! He went to the police station.” Willow finally admitted.

  I didn’t care. I continued to scream and cry. I needed Cree here now. I needed to know that he still wanted me, after I had been marked with my past. Lacey finally laid me down on the bed, still holding me and then called for the nurse. She held me as the nurse put my IVs back in. I couldn’t let go of Lacey. I needed to hold onto a piece of my new life. I knew she would never leave my side and deep down, I knew Cree would never leave me. I needed to calm my thoughts and remember Cree’s love.
<
br />   The door opened to my room. All of our heads turned to the door. It was Cree. He was sweaty and looked like he had just beaten the shit out of someone. He was wearing his work clothes and his netted trucker hat. My eyes locked on his hands and then focused onto his bloody knuckles. Lacey climbed out of the bed and I sat up. Cree walked over to me and I instantly parted my legs for him. I wrapped my one good arm around his neck and the other one with the cast lay at my side. I buried my face into his chest and continued to cry and scream. I needed to get all the hatred and anger out of me. I have made a vow to not let my past haunt me anymore. I needed to get it out.

  Cree lifted my face up to his. I had no idea how bad my face looked, but going off how it felt, I am pretty sure I looked like I just had the shit beat out of me. He started to lightly kiss my face around the bruises and stitches. I rubbed my fingers over his blood crusted knuckles and I instantly knew what he had been doing.

  “He won’t hurt you again, Milly.”

  I had no idea how to respond to this. The tears started to spill from my eyes and I buried my face back into his strong chest. The safest place on Earth, nestled in Cree’s arms, and I had no intentions of moving.

  “I love you, Milly. I’ll always protect you with everything I have. Don’t be mad at me for going to the jail. My buddy from high school, Tommy is the jailor. He let me in his cell and I beat the fucking shit out of him. Tommy told me there is a warrant out for his arrest. He embezzled money from his business partner back in Sacramento. He is facing serious charges that will put him away for years. You’ve nothing to worry about. I have you.”

  “Take me home. I don’t want to be here.”

  “You want to go to your apartment?”

  “No, I said take me home. My home is on your farm - it’s the only place I belong. Now take me home.”