Treading Water (Forgotten Soldier Book 2)

by Jessie G

  “I can hear you thinking,” Shane murmured against his mouth. “What’s really going on, Julian?”

  “The last few weeks have been a lot to take in, you know?” Julian rolled his eyes at his own idiocy and corrected, “Of course, you know. You’ve been with me every step of the way. The thing is…well, I mean this thing between us…we were never going to get here, were we?”

  The thought had breezed through his mind before, a murmur of caution that he easily pushed away. Where it came from now, Julian wasn’t sure. He truly hadn’t been thinking about it, but like the topic of his parents, he was relieved to have it out in the open.

  Shane rose on his elbows so they were looking at each other and frowned thoughtfully. Julian was just grateful he didn’t go further. The weight of his warm body was comforting and knowing he wasn’t pulling away was reassuring. “Perhaps not.”

  Why did the right answer have to hurt so much? “Sometimes I get lost in the ‘if only’ game. If only Sean had been on the sub instead of the aircraft carrier. If only he’d been assigned a different shift or taken a different route to wherever he was going. If only the pilot did this or the air traffic controller did that. If only, if only…Sean wouldn’t have gotten hurt, he wouldn’t be in a wheelchair, and he wouldn’t be struggling.”

  “Julian…” Shane sounded as pained and helpless as he felt.

  “Then I think, if all those things hadn’t happened, we wouldn’t be in this bed together.” Julian closed his eyes, ashamed by those selfish thoughts. “That’s fucked up, isn’t it?”

  Shane remained silent, though he still didn’t roll away and Julian could feel his scrutiny. Had he just screwed up? He was too afraid to open his eyes to find out.

  Being strong for Sean meant relying heavily on each other. The ride to the hospital every morning was like a team building meeting. They discussed the plan of action for the day, what their unified answer would be, how they would support Sean, and boosted each other up. The way back was more of a venting session where they said all the things they didn’t want to say in front of Sean. All that made Shane his confidant, the person he could say just about anything to and he hoped he did the same in return.

  But were they there as lovers? Julian honestly didn’t know.

  “Eighteen years ago, I met this loud-mouthed, arrogant, scrawny-assed little prick who didn’t seem like anyone I’d ever be able to rely on. He turned out to be the only man I trusted to have my back.” Shane spoke with affection and amusement, and Julian could easily picture it. Back then, Sean had the balls, just not the muscle to back it up. Didn’t stop him from standing toe-to-toe with the biggest bullies and Julian couldn’t begin to imagine how that bravado must have appeared to someone as serious as Shane. “We’ve shared more than one foxhole in hell together and every time—every single time—he would tell me a Julian story. Do you know why?”

  That was easy. Why did Sean do anything? “Because he knew it would annoy you.”

  “He was always trying to annoy me, but no, that’s not why.” Shane hesitated before admitting, “I would ask.”

  Julian’s eyes snapped open at that. “About me?”

  “Yes, about you,” Shane admitted ruefully. “I can’t tell you how many times I told him he was wrong about what we could be. At first, he ignored me and would always find a way to sneak you into conversation. I guess it became a game—he’d bring you up, I’d shut him down. Then he stopped and I tried to convince myself that I was relieved. Only, I wasn’t. I needed to know what was happening with you. And that bastard would gloat every time I asked…except when we both needed you.”

  “When you both…I don’t understand, Shane.” With a sigh of defeat, Shane rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. Julian felt the loss immediately and quickly reversed their positions, straddling Shane’s bigger body and placing himself so that his face was all Shane could see. “Please tell me.”

  Strong hands immediately gripped his ass, squeezing as Shane shifted him until their dicks were slotted together. If it were anyone else, Julian would think he was being distracted, but he knew Shane’s words came easier when they were touching. “You don’t need me to tell you what it’s like in the trenches, do you?”

  “No.” Julian never thought about his time in active service. At least not voluntarily. Sometimes the memories snuck into his dreams, and as much as he wished otherwise, they’d woken up Shane a couple of times. Thankfully, he understood without having to ask, so Julian never had to go into detail. He could just bask in the comfort of Shane’s embrace and know he was safe again.

  “We were barely in our twenties when Sean gave me his letter. We’d been dodging enemy fire all day, listening to the bombs going off in the distance, and the screams…god, the screams of our brothers, of our enemies—they blurred together, you know?” Julian could only nod. He prayed every night that he could forget. “Then the sun set and, just for a moment, it was so quiet. We were huddled behind a crumbling wall waiting for the next attack when he reached into his utility belt and came out with this crumpled envelope. Just in case, he said.” The faraway look was filled with sadness and Julian wished there was something he could do to erase that memory for Shane. “I was honored and so pissed.”

  Julian understood that too. He could picture Shane arguing that they were going to get out of there together, whole, and alive. But he also knew that Shane would have taken that letter and held it safe.

  “He asked if I wanted him to hold my letter. Man, the look on his face when I told him I didn’t have one was…you’d have thought I told him I kicked puppies in my spare time.” Shane shook his head and laughed. “Right there with the enemy reloading, he dug out his little spiral notebook and a pen and told me to start writing. Only, I didn’t have anyone to write to. So, I wrote you a letter.”

  “Me?” Julian’s brain was scrambling to catch up. Sean left the day after he graduated, so Julian had been worrying about him since he was fourteen. Barely in their twenties meant he would have been sixteen, maybe seventeen when Sean and Shane were fighting for their lives, when they were exchanging letters to him, and he just couldn’t…

  “Sean said you would care if something happened to me.”

  “I would,” Julian promised, though he barely knew of Shane back then. Sean had been talking about him since boot camp, but those early mentions weren’t complimentary.

  First, Shane was that stick-in-the-mud, that rule-follower, and other nicknames that all meant he refused to take part in whatever antics Sean was trying to talk him into. The transition from complaining to bragging about Shane’s accomplishment was just the span of time between letters. Through it all, Julian could feel their friendship growing and was happy his cousin wasn’t alone. Of course, he would have cared if something happened to Sean’s friend. It wasn’t until later that those mentions became something more.

  Until the idea of Shane became something more.

  “I won’t show you the letter,” Shane warned unnecessarily.

  It was enough to know that he had always been Shane’s just in case recipient and so grateful to have never received either of their letters. “I have you. That’s so much better.”

  That quick frown softened and Shane nodded in agreement. “And we have Sean, so there’s no more need for letters like that.”

  “Unless you get shipped out again.” The words escaped unbidden, a whispered fear that he knew was Shane’s biggest hope. Not to get away from him or them, but because the Navy had been his life and he was too close to his twenty to accept an early retirement.

  Shane didn’t immediately agree and seemed to be weighing his answer. Finally, he said, “Do you know what Sean planned to do when he retired?”

  “He said he was going to come to Key West and buy a charter boat.” At least, that’s what Sean said every time he spent his leave on the island.

  “Did you know he took on a partner?” Shane gave him a pointed look and then tightened his hold when Julian tried to
scramble back. “You were absolutely right when you said if only all those things hadn’t happened, we wouldn’t be in this bed together. The circumstances might be out of our control, but I was always coming to Key West and after being with you, I can only believe that we would have found ourselves together.”

  “You do?” Julian couldn’t have been more shocked if Shane had gotten down on one knee and declared his intentions. “You believe that?”

  “Yes, I believe that.” That firm, no-nonsense tone was the antithesis of romantic and the most endearing thing Julian had ever heard. “I’m sorry this happened to Sean and I know it’s hard to reconcile the good with the bad, but I’m not sorry for us.”

  Julian lurched forward, taking those words with his mouth and grinding himself against Shane. It was graceless and primal, but he needed it to know this wasn’t just wishful thinking. Shane responded instantly, flipping him onto his back and settling between his legs. There was a mad grab for the lube and an even quicker prep before his legs were up over broad shoulders, and then every empty inch of him was filled with Shane Parker.

  He meant to say something like more and harder. What came out was, “What if you have to leave?”

  Shane pulled back slowly, his rapt gaze focused on their joining. Then those eyes lifted, pinned him in place, and Shane slammed forward, taking his breath and his heart in one smooth stroke. “Then for the first time in my career, I’ll know I have a home to come back to.”

  How big could one heart grow before it exploded? If Shane kept saying shit like that, Julian feared he was going to find out.

  “Do you promise?” Julian whimpered when Shane pulled back again, this stroke even slower than the first. “That you’ll come back.”

  Caught on the tip of Shane’s cock, Julian held his breath as they stared at one another. Glacial blue swirled with more emotion than Julian could ever hope for when Shane whispered, “I promise I won’t send you a letter.”

  Another earth-shattering thrust and the need for words was gone. Their bodies came together desperately and the accompanying kiss was just as harsh. It was an affirmation, a claiming, and Julian couldn’t have asked for more. There was still so much they didn’t know about each other and words they still hadn’t shared. The battle for Sean’s recovery was just beginning, as were they, but he finally had what he always longed for.

  A real family.

  Extraction Point

  Chapter 13

  September 3, 2016 - Shane

  “Donated?” Shane walked around the Toyota Sienna and tried not to sound as skeptical as he felt. “Someone is just giving Sean this van?”

  “Not someone,” Micah corrected. “A dealership in Miami that specializes in converting minivans for handicap accessibility. Once they learned about Sean, they were happy to help.”

  “I see.” The van was necessary, no question about it, but he wasn’t sure how Sean would feel about taking charity. “We were pricing vans already.”

  “Okay,” Micah said slowly. “But Sean is being discharged today. Are you planning to drive back to Key West in your Silverado? It’s a regular cab, right? Two-door, bench seat…what’re you gonna do with the wheelchair and luggage?”

  “No, of course not. Julian already reserved a rental van and I was going to follow in my truck.” They hadn’t expected Micah and Garrison to drive up, or to bring them a van, or…shit, any of it.

  Lately, it felt like they were stuck on loop. Every day they got ready, grabbed something at a drive-thru, and then spent the entire day with Sean. As they were meant to do, there was no question about that. Only, the long days of watching him struggle through physical therapy, break down after counseling, and commiserate with the other patients left them both feeling helpless and guilty. Helpless because there was so little they could do other than be supportive and encouraging, and guilty because they knew they could step away to take a breath and clear their heads—something Sean couldn’t do.

  Which made it sound like Sean wasn’t progressing when that couldn’t be further from the truth. He was in prime physical health before the accident and was learning to make use of the upper body strength he already had. Thanks to the efforts of a thick-skinned occupational therapist, Sean was learning adaptive life skills—from mobility hacks to personal hygiene to cooking, cleaning, and even shopping. Though Sean scoffed often, he paid close attention and became the star pupil. He was vain enough to wear the crown, but just as quick to point out that it was easy when you already knew what you were doing. Still, no matter how many times the therapist called his bluff and told him he could skip a session, Sean was the first one through the door.

  That determination wasn’t a surprise. Sean would need to know he could fend for himself and after attending the classes with him, Julian asked Owen to modify a section of his kitchen so that Sean could work comfortably—and that only added to Shane’s guilt. The changes Julian agreed to weren’t simple or surface, and went beyond the physical changes to his home. Alternately, Shane hadn’t made any changes.

  Well, unless he counted the whole relationship thing and an impulsive outing that he was actively trying not to think about. They’d been coasting since then, with Julian content to let him set the pace. That was a relief in the beginning, but as the days turned into weeks with literally zero pressure from his first boyfriend, Shane began to wonder if Julian wasn’t just waiting for him to change his mind. Despite Sean’s belief that his cousin jumped blindly, Shane saw Julian as someone who hoped for the best while expecting the worst.

  Most of the time they talked about Sean. Again, that was right under the circumstances. And while they seemed to be coasting along okay, they only had two notable conversations about what was going on between them. He was no expert, but he knew they needed more than that—he just didn’t know how to get them started until last night. As it turned out, it wasn’t as scary as he feared. Which made total sense. Julian was easy to talk to, smart and empathetic, and he had just been waiting for an opening. They both fell asleep more secure in each other and Shane woke up determined to be the partner Julian deserved.

  Unfortunately, he wasn’t sure how or if it was even possible. As things stood, he had to report to base in just a few days, which would put the brunt of Sean’s needs directly on Julian’s shoulders. Shane thought, if he could at least be there at night and on his off days, then he could share the responsibility to the extent his job allowed. Of course, Julian hadn’t asked and Shane knew that was more of his non-pressure approach to their relationship.

  Before they got involved, it would have been no brainer. However, it was too soon to consider living together as a couple, even if they’d been doing exactly that in a little hotel room for weeks. As nice—and strange—as it was, it only complicated things further and it didn’t help that he was starting to dread going back to base. Nearly twenty years of believing that’s where he belonged had been swept away by the overwhelming feeling that he supposed to stay with Julian and Sean.

  Reconciling that hadn’t been as easy as opening the closet door, so Shane had kept it all to himself. Something he knew he wouldn’t be able to maintain for long. Sean and Julian needed him now, and they needed him for the long haul, whereas the Navy was ready to say goodbye. There was no logical reason to ship him back out for a short tour, medical clearance or not, and that pipe dream became more elusive with each passing week that he ignored doctor’s orders to help Sean. Watching it all slip from his grasp should have caused something other than quiet acceptance, but it was actually kind of a relief.

  “Hello? Shane? Anyone home?” Garrison waved a hand in front of his face. “Did you hear anything we said? You don’t have to buy a van because you have a brand new one right here.”

  Shane blinked at the two men staring at him as if he’d lost his mind. All those swirling thoughts needed an outlet and it wasn’t the couple standing before him. Julian and Sean deserved to hear it, and having preached communication, he had to step up before he lost them
both.

  Shaking himself out of his thoughts, he looked at the van again. It was exactly what they needed, but they didn’t want to take more from the foundation than they absolutely had to and there was no doubt that the renovations done to Julian’s cottage had cost a pretty penny. “Are you sure Jared didn’t pay for this?”

  “Cross my heart.” Micah backed it up with action, then admitted, “Would he have? Yeah, he’s crazy like that, but Aiden was adamant that he could find a company to donate. It only took one phone call and I understand he’s been gloating ever since.”

  That sounded exactly like Aiden and Jared. “Okay, but what about the registration and insurance?”

  “Jared did take care of that, at least temporarily. Once you’re settled, he’ll transfer ownership to whoever Sean wants.” When Shane huffed, Garrison rolled his eyes. “Come on, man, we all know you would have rejected it if you’d known in advance.”

  “Rejected what?” Julian came to stand beside him and Shane looked at his watch. Sean would be ready to go in an hour, which mean Julian was expecting a ride to the rental car company. “Hey, guys, what are you doing here?”

  “We brought you a present!” Micah beamed and did his best Vanna White impression as he gestured toward the van parked at the curb. “Surprise!”

  “Oh, shit.” That about summed it up perfectly. Julian glanced from the van to him to Micah and back around in a dumbfounded loop. “What’s going on, Shane?”

  “Apparently, Aiden got some dealership in Miami to donate this to Sean.”

  “Donate?” The matching skepticism soothed him more than he would admit. “For real? Or did Jared buy it?”

  Micah glanced at Garrison. “Do you feel like you just had this conversation?”

  “Yeah, and I hate repeating myself.” Garrison tossed the key fob at him and Shane snatched it up without thinking. “Congrats, Sean owns a van and one of you gets to drive it. Can we skip ahead to the part where we show you how this bad boy works?”