Something Like Happy

by Sasha Greene

  Jade looked at him as if he’d just taken a weight off her shoulders. ‘It was. I can’t tell you how much she meant to me.’

  Nick touched her gently on the shoulder again. Part of him longed to reach out and pull her towards him, but he knew if he did then he would splinter into a thousand pieces. ‘You can tell me all about it when you’re ready, but until then, it’s fine.’

  He heard a rumble from the tracks and looked at his watch. ‘Look, I really need to catch this train, I’m going to have to run. Thank your mum again for the dinner, won’t you? And thanks for inviting me.’

  He sped off before she had the chance to reply. He barely made the train, jumping in just as the doors were closing, and sagged into a corner seat. He buried his head in his hands, squeezing his face as if it would somehow put back together all the chaotic pieces of his brain. Depression lies, he told himself. Depression lies. He repeated the words all the way back into town, holding onto the thought like a climber clinging to a rockface when the only alternative is to fall.

  Jade looked at the place where Nick had been just moments before. She had been building herself up so much to telling him that his sudden departure and his revelations made her feel like a yawning hole had opened up at her feet. Relief settled in her heart, while confusion filled her head. He had figured it out, he told her. But how the hell had he done that? No one had mentioned anything. Just a name. And the funeral part. How had he done it?

  The photo. It hit her with blinding clarity. The photo in the hall. The one of the four of them. Someone had taken it for them, during that idyllic summer holiday they’d spent on Arran. That had been a beautiful trip. The weather had been amazing. That had been the last summer before Ruby …

  She tried desperately to push the memories away. Leaving her phone at home by accident when she went on a night out with friends. The missed voicemail messages from her sister. Coming home to find Ruby not in her bed, and her mum not there either. The hospital. Her little sister. The bed. The tubes. The days of waiting. And the agonising decision to switch off her life support when it was clear there was nothing more that anyone could do.

  Jade couldn’t help it; the tears broke open and flowed down her cheeks. She found a wall not far away and leaned against it, hands over her face. The brick at her back felt like a rough caress, grounding her, connecting her back to the real world while she struggled with her thoughts.

  You have to deal with this, especially the guilt, she thought. It’s not going to go away. But somehow, meeting Nick had brought everything back to the surface. You should have never spoken to him, that day on the bridge. Should have stayed out of other people’s business.

  But really, maybe it would be good to talk about it with someone, she thought. Someone who might be able to give her some insight into why Ruby had done what she did. It seemed so incomprehensible. So out of character for her. So … she didn’t really want to say the word even to herself, but so selfish.

  There. It was said now. Yes. Selfish. It had been selfish of her sister to take the easy way out, to disappear while she, Jade, had to carry on without her. To see the impact her death had on their parents. She was angry with her sister, she realised. And guilty about how angry she felt. And angry about how guilty she felt.

  What a fuck up, she thought. What a total pile of shit this is.

  ‘Y’allright, hen?’ A voice nearby startled her into opening her eyes.

  A round middle-aged woman stood a couple of metres away, a concerned look on her kind face.

  Jade sniffed very unattractively, wiping the tears away from her face. God knows what she must look like. ‘Yes … yes. Just having a moment.’

  The woman looked at her for another few seconds. ‘PMT – a killer, eh?’ Obviously satisfied, she started to carry on down the street. ‘Just you wait for the menopause, hen, that’s when the shit really hits the fan.’

  Jade couldn’t help but smile. This city, and its people, were probably the only thing that would save her. She turned, wrapping her arms around herself, and headed for home through the gathering darkness.

  Once back in the warmth of her home, Jade paused in the hallway, to look at the photo which she had barely registered for months. She studied it carefully. They all had their arms around each other, but Ruby had her sunglasses on, hiding her eyes from the camera. Had she been having problems even then? She had been quiet in those last few months, but Jade had just put it down to the stresses of her final year at school and the big decision about what to do afterwards.

  She took a deep breath. It was too late to ask her now. Her sister was gone, and that wouldn’t change. She would talk to Nick, but only when she was ready. And until that time, she was just going to get on with things and savour the feeling of being alive. Of having a good friend. She used to have a lot of friends. Where had they all gone?

  She had pushed them away one by one, she realised, tired of their efforts to drag her out of herself and cheer her up. But Nick didn’t do that. He was just – well – funny. He had a great sense of humour. He was good for her, she thought, as she slowly climbed the stairs to her room. Long may it continue.

  Chapter 7

  Jade waited at the bottom of the station steps, sheltering under the railway bridge. There couldn’t be more difference between the glorious sunshine of two weeks ago and today’s weather. The steady drizzle seemed to find its way into everything. She had gone back to wearing Ruby’s old red coat again, glad of its big comfy hood. The colour didn’t really suit her, but she didn’t care. She pushed her hands deeper into the soft wool pockets. When she was being fanciful, she pretended it was a hug from her sister. Sometimes it helped.

  Jade was telling herself off at this very moment, too. Nick knew how to find his way to Sunnyside by now. She could be inside enjoying a brew with Lily. So why was she freezing her arse off in the rain just to meet him?

  Because you’ve fallen for him. Jade shifted from one foot to the other, and back again. If she was completely honest with herself, she had. But not in a romantic way, just in an admiring way. That was it. She was full of admiration for him and how he was dealing with his issues. Anyway, Nick had missed the yoga class this morning, even though he had said he would be there. She didn’t mind helping him out, but dating someone unreliable was a big no-no.

  ‘Hi.’ It was as if she had conjured him out of her thoughts; there he stood, in the bright blue jacket she had seen him in the first time they had met. She had been so busy with her thoughts that she hadn’t noticed the rumble of the train above her.

  ‘Hey.’ She couldn’t have cared what the weather was doing now. ‘How’s your week been?’

  Nick shrugged. ‘Not bad. The usual.’ He fell into step beside her. ‘I’m so sorry for not turning up this morning. Work’s been pretty bad, and I didn’t sleep well last night. I totally overslept.’

  What could she say to that? She pushed her irritation away. Telling him off for something he clearly already felt bad about wouldn’t help either of them.

  ‘Anyway.’ He touched her on the arm. ‘I’m dying to know what the next thing on the list is. And actually, I’m dying to know about the whole list. I mean, I don’t even know how long it is. The suspense is killing me!’

  Jade couldn’t help laughing at his melodramatic tone, which she was sure was put on for effect. ‘Isn’t it nice to get a surprise each week? Just think of it like a game.’

  ‘Oh – come on.’ Nick put a hand to his heart and looked towards the heavens. ‘So cruel.’

  ‘If I give you the list, then you might not be bothered to see me again. Or Lily. Or Archie. And we all know that he would pine away if he didn’t see you regularly.’ Jade tried to keep her voice light, but her words did hold a very real fear for her; if Nick had the list, then he had absolutely no reason to keep seeing her. And she knew that, in spite of all the issues he was having, he made her world just that little bit brighter. She didn’t want to do without him.

  ‘Ridiculous,’ N
ick scoffed. ‘I couldn’t do without my little Weegies.’

  ‘You’d better not let Archie hear you lumping him in with all the Glasgow people,’ Jade warned him. ‘He always insists he comes from Milngavie.’

  ‘Meh.’ Nick seemed unimpressed with this statement. ‘At least tell me what the next thing is on the list. What is our quest for today, fair lady?’

  Jade couldn’t help her irritation melting away. Nick in a good mood was just … well, great.

  ‘It’s very simple. You have to hug someone.’

  Nick stopped walking and turned towards her. ‘Is that it?’ His face showed his surprise. ‘That’s on your happy list?’

  ‘Not just any hug.’ Jade defended herself. ‘Not just a passing thing. A proper hug. Really wrap your arms around someone. You’d be surprised at how good it feels. Besides, hugging is supposed to release that happy drug in your brain. I’ve forgotten its name.’

  Nick was silent for a bit, as they tramped round puddles on the pavement.

  ‘Am I allowed to hug you, or does it have to be someone else?’

  She should have expected the question, really, but it still took her by surprise. A hug? With him? Did she even want to do that? Wouldn’t it be overstepping the bounds of their friendship?

  Friends hug all the time, she reminded herself. Yes, but not when one of them had a secret crush on the other one. There, she had admitted it. She had a crush on him, which was a total disaster. Which is why hugging him would be a very bad idea.

  ‘Earth to Jade. Earth to Jade.’ Nick made crackly radio noises.

  Jade blinked, realising she was just about to walk right past the entrance to Sunnyside. She turned to him. ‘I think you should hug someone else. Lily maybe. Or Archie. I bet he doesn’t get many hugs.’

  Nick looked at her, his face clearly sceptical. ‘Okay.’

  ‘Oh! Am I glad to see you!’ Sandra greeted Nick with a fist pumped in the air as they entered the building. ‘We’ve got two people off sick today, and I’ve barely got enough helpers. Jade, I think you’re going to have to let Lily walk by herself today. I need you to push Jim.’

  They had just got everyone on the minibus when the sky opened. The rain lashed the windows, and Keith drove carefully, windscreen wipers frantic. Nick couldn’t believe that anyone would want to go out in this weather. ‘Are we going to change our plans?’ he asked. Jade was sitting right beside him in the front of the minibus this time, sandwiched between him and Keith. He tried to ignore the fact that both her shoulder and thigh was touching his, and the unexpected effect that it was having on him. Thank goodness he had his rucksack on his knees.

  ‘I don’t think so.’ It was Jade who replied. Keith was too busy peering into the road ahead.

  He could smell the faint scent of her perfume, something delicate that he couldn’t define. It suited her though. Nick focused determinedly on the road in front of him. ‘A picnic? On a day like this? Are you crazy?’

  ‘It’s just a passing shower. The weather is supposed to clear up soon.’ A stray piece of damp hair was clinging to Jade’s cheek, and Nick had to clench his hands together to stop himself from smoothing it away. If she had refused a hug from him earlier, she was bound to go apeshit about him doing something like that. This was turning out to be so more complicated than he had imagined. If it weren’t for Archie, and the fact that he knew the old man was lonely, he would just walk away from the whole situation. But Jade was right. A promise was a promise. And he wasn’t the type to let people down.

  ‘I brought my camping tarpaulin, we can sit on that if the grass is damp.’ Nick had seen the forecast and had been determined to be prepared.

  ‘That was thoughtful of you.’ Jade shifted slightly next to him, and Nick tried desperately to think of anything else.

  The rain was still coming down by the time they drove through the entrance to the park. Nick was relieved when they stopped outside what was obviously a cafe. He pulled his hood up. ‘You stay here. I’ll give you a shout when it’s time to run for it.’ But Jade stubbornly got out right behind him.

  They managed fairly well with a few umbrellas and waterproof jackets thrown over the wheelchairs, but by the time they were all through the door they were all partially soaked to some degree. The smell of fresh coffee was heavenly.

  ‘What a day.’ Lily pushed back her hood. ‘I think I need a cuppa first after all that.’

  While the group was all seated, conversation turned to the next trip they were doing. Everyone was very excited about the matinee visit, although there was some quite intense discussion about the quality of what they were seeing and whether a musical counted as real theatre.

  ‘Who pays for these trips?’ Nick turned to Jade, who was sitting on his left.

  ‘Well, mostly people pay for the costs themselves.’ Jade fiddled with one of her braids. ‘But this time we put a bit of money in to help with the theatre tickets. And the minibus gets paid out of the grant too.’

  ‘A grant?’ Nick frowned, not quite understanding.

  Jade nodded. ‘Yeah. A charity grant. We got one to cover just the basic costs. Sandra’s pretty good at sorting these things out.’

  Nick stored this piece of information away for future reference. He had thought that charities only gave their money to life-threatening things, but seemingly not. Interesting.

  By the time they had finished their tea the rain had stopped and everything was sparkling in the bright sunshine. Nick wheeled Archie out into the fresh damp air. It smelled amazing.

  ‘Some of the people who don’t want to walk so far are going to just go round the gardens here,’ Jade said, wrapping her handbag around the handle of Jim’s wheelchair. ‘But some of us are going to go for a walk around the park if you want to come.’ They said goodbye to Lily, who was going to the gardens, and set off.

  The park was great. It felt like they were out in the countryside. Vast old trees spanned their branches high above their heads, and they had to steer around occasional puddles on the path. The rain-soaked grass in the sunshine sparkled like a million diamonds. The group stopped frequently to look at a particular tree, or a flower, or to watch a squirrel bouncing past. To his delight, they even came across a group of highland cows in an open field. When Nick checked his watch and saw that two hours had passed, he couldn’t believe it.

  He mentioned this to Jade, who suddenly looked panicked. ‘Shit, I was supposed to be keeping track of time! They’ll all be wondering where we’ve got to. We have to go.’

  She turned Jim’s wheelchair and set off determinedly. The sunshine had disappeared by now, and Nick zipped his jacket up before he set off after her. The other three helpers turned their wheelchairs and set off behind him.

  When Nick caught up with Jade he could see that she was tiring, but she determinedly set her mouth and carried on. At the top of a small slope she stopped for a minute to rest her arms, and waved the others past them. ‘You go on ahead. We won’t be long.’

  Nick refused to leave her and stopped just beside her. Archie was uncharacteristically quiet.

  Suddenly a few fat drops of rain fell on them. Everyone looked upwards. A massive grey cloud lay directly above them.

  Jade swore again and grabbed the handles of Jim’s wheelchair. ‘Sandra is going to kill me.’

  They hurried on, Jade almost running now, and Nick stretched his long legs to match her pace. He was so busy trying to keep up with her that he forgot to look at the path in front of them. A big bump shook the wheelchair, and Archie went flying, crying out in pain as he hit the floor and then lay still.

  Jade came running back towards them, shock and worry written on her face. ‘What happened?’

  Nick felt his own face flush with shame. He pointed to the ridge in the path where a tree root had pushed up the tarmac.

  ‘What are we going to do?’ Jade put a hand on Archie’s shoulder, who groaned at her touch. He had fallen face down on the grass, and lay with one arm twisted under him.

&nb
sp; Nick realised he had to think quickly; the rain was now coming down more steadily, and time was critical. ‘You take Jim back to the rest of the group. No point in keeping him out here to get cold and wet. I’ll stay with Archie and call an ambulance. They’ll be here sooner than you think.’

  Jade looked at him, as if not sure whether this was really a good idea, but then she nodded. The look of trust in her eyes only enhanced his feeling of guilt. ‘Text me when you have any news.’ She hurried off.

  Nick knelt down beside Archie. He would call for an ambulance, but first he had to find out how badly Archie was hurt. He touched him gently on the shoulder, calling his name, and was relieved when the old man opened his eyes.

  Nick opened his first aid kit and took out a foil blanket. Not only would this keep off the rain, but it might also keep in some heat. He placed it gently over Archie, then touched him on the shoulder again. ‘Can you tell me what hurts?’

  Archie seemed more with it now and smiled weakly up at him. ‘Everything, lad. But then, when you get to my age, that’s normal.’

  Nick took a breath of relief. If Archie was cracking jokes, then things couldn’t be that bad.

  A few more minutes of exploration determined that Archie’s left arm was the only thing that was really in trouble. Nick called the ambulance, who said they would do their best, but since it wasn’t life-threatening then it wouldn’t be immediately. Nick managed to get Archie to a sitting position on one foil blanket, with another wrapped around his shoulders, but it wasn’t an ideal situation, not with the rain coming down all around them.

  Then, inspiration struck him as he noticed a close-growing group of trees less than twenty metres away. He touched Archie briefly on the shoulder. ‘I’ll be back in a couple of minutes. Don’t go anywhere.’

  The old man let out a cackle of laughter, cradling his arm to his chest.

  Nick pulled his tarp out of his rucksack as he walked towards the trees. He had brought it to sit on, but it would be just as easy to rig up a shelter for them both to sit under. In less than two minutes he had everything sorted and came running back to Archie.